– Kyle
I was counting the days until I could see Maya again, much like the way I used to feel when I’d first met her and finally worked up the courage to talk to her. But this was different, I reminded myself, to calm my nerves. This was Maya, the one girl I had always loved and the girl I shouldn’t have lost. Maybe now I would have the chance to make it right.
When I came home from work on Thursday, my phone rang. I fished for the cordless receiver between the couch pillows and picked up the call before the machine kicked in.
“Yeah?”
“Kyle, you’re home,” Kina said, sounding surprised. “I’m so glad I caught you.”
I couldn’t say the same. If I hadn’t known it was Kina, I would have let the machine take the call then erased her message. But I was talking to her now, and I couldn’t be rude and hang up.
“I just got in,” I said. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to invite you to dinner tonight,” she said.
“Will Jacob be there?”
Kina sighed. “Jacob is my husband, Kyle. Of course, he’s going to be here, but you can’t use that as an excuse not to come.”
I sat down heavily on the couch. “I’m not so sure, sis. I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
“Please, Kyle. I really want you to come. I barely get to see you anymore; you’re always running from us. Just one dinner, please. You didn’t even speak to Jacob after training the other day.”
She was right, and I felt bad about it. After I had run into Maya, I had spent another ten minutes watching the men train before I hadn’t been able to take anymore. I hadn’t been able to stand there, watching them do the one thing I loved and wasn’t able to do. I left before the end of training, without saying goodbye.
“I’m making sticky chicken wings— the way Mom used to. If you’re going to say no to me, then come for the food, at least. You know you want to.”
I sighed. She was really twisting my arm. The sticky chicken wings were something my mom used to make whenever Kina and I had achieved anything in our lives. She had attached good memories to the food, turning it into soul food. Kina had practiced making the sticky chicken wings until she had gotten it right.
“Fine,” I said. “But if anything goes wrong, if I feel like I’m out of place, I’m going to leave.”
“I don’t think that will happen. You’re my brother, and Jacob is your best friend.”
“Was,” I corrected.
“Whatever, Kyle. I know you have a hang-up about what happened, but Jacob really wants to see you. So do I. Please, join us.” I couldn’t argue with that. Kina was my sister, after all.
“What time do you want me to come?” I asked.
“Be here at seven,” she said. “And you don’t have to bring anything. Just your sunny personality.”
I wasn’t sure if the last part of her sentence was a sarcastic quip, but she ended the call before I could respond. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was one night, I told myself. I could grit my teeth and smile through it, right? I had done it for a couple of months before they had gotten engaged, after all. I just had to do that again for a short while.
Jacob and Kina lived in an obscenely large house. I didn’t like going to their home, because it reminded me of what I could have had…but didn’t.
The house was a large, modern structure, surrounded by a garden that stretched in all directions. The lawn was immaculate, and there was a sparkling pool in the back. Kina had hired a landscaper to turn the garden into a dream, and if I hadn’t been so bitter about everything, I would have admitted it was beautiful.
***
I parked in front of one of the garages and walked to the front door. Jacob opened it for me and extended his hand. I took his hand, shaking it, but the atmosphere around us was tense and awkward. This was why I hadn’t wanted to see him. I didn’t want to have to explain why I’d left before the end of practice, before speaking to him. I hoped to God he wouldn’t ask.
“Kyle, hi,” Kina said, coming from the kitchen. She had an apron tied around her waist and she looked at home in the big house, like the queen of her castle. I stepped forward and hugged her. It was awkward, but we both pretended it wasn’t.
“Morgan is at Mom’s,” Kina said. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Right. Morgan. I hadn’t been a part of Kina’s life for such a long time that I had almost forgotten she’d had a child. That probably made me a terrible brother and an even worse uncle, but it was impossible for me to play “happy family” in their perfect life when mine was anything but.
“Of course not. I’m sure Mom is enjoying herself.” I rocked back and forth on my heels, not knowing what to say. Awkward silences stretched between us.
“So, what happened to you on Monday?” Kina asked. “Jacob said you left early.”
She gestured with her head toward the kitchen, and I followed her. She took the sticky chicken wings out of the oven, turning them around before putting them back in.
“I had a work emergency,” I lied.
Jacob walked over with a beer in each hand. He offered one to me, and I gladly took it. If I needed anything tonight, it was alcohol.
“That’s a pity,” Jacob said, and I wasn’t sure if he believed me or not. “You’re welcome to come to practice anytime, you know.”
I sipped my beer, relishing the icy liquid that ran down my throat.
“I don’t know. Work is really busy at the moment. I’ll have to see when I get a chance again.”
Jacob and Kina both nodded as if they’d agreed not to say anything if I declined an invitation. I knew Kina wanted to fight with me about it, but she knew that if she did, I would walk out. She was caught in a catch twenty-two.
“So, I have news,” I said. I desperately wanted to make conversation to get rid of the awkward silences. I wouldn’t be able to get through tonight if this was how it was going to be.
“Oh?”
“Do you remember Maya?”
Kina nodded, “I always loved her. She was really good for you.”
I cleared my throat. Kina had been unhappy with me for breaking up with Maya, and I guess she had a reason. Maya had been great in every way.
“Well, I ran into her again the other day. I took her out on a date.”
“That’s wonderful!” Kina cried. “She used to be a part of our family, just the way Jacob was,” Kina said.
I nodded. It was interesting that both Jacob and Maya had been in our lives thanks to me. It struck me that neither of them was in my life now, and that was because of me, too. It made me feel like a jerk, and maybe I was. But I wasn’t going to apologize for my feelings, or what I had gone through back in college, or for what I was going through now.
“So, tell me about it. What was it like seeing her again?” Of course, Kina wanted all the gossip, and soon the awkwardness disappeared.
I told her about the girl I liked the way I used to do when we were kids. It felt like old times, but with it came a pang of sadness. I didn’t know if things could ever go back to the way they were.
“Well, I’m really happy for you,” Jacob said. He stood with his hip against the counter, listening to our conversation in silence. He hadn’t once pushed for me to speak to him. I was glad, because I really didn’t want to.
“You know, I saw her a couple of weeks ago,” Kina said after I told her everything.
“Oh, you didn’t mention it,” I said.
“We haven’t exactly been talking a lot, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Kina said, and there was a bite in her voice. “Anyway, I saw her at a charity event Jacob and I attended, but I didn’t know what to say. Things didn’t end very well between the two of you.”
Kina was right about that. In fact, things had ended horribly. It had been my fault; I had pushed Maya away, because I hadn’t known how to deal with the difficulties that had come with being rejected from a pro football career. I hadn’t only broken up with her— I had effectively erased her from my family. She’d acted strong, as if she’d understand where I was coming from and even agreed that it was best for us to go our separate ways. But I know it was an act or something she wanted to believe but didn’t. I understood now how much it must have hurt.
“So, does this mean that you’re together again?” Kina asked.
I shook my head. “It’s still early. I definitely want to see her more and get to know her again. Then we’ll see where it leads.”
I didn’t add that I hoped it would mean we’d be back together or that I wanted her in my life again. I didn’t want Kina to tell me how I had fucked up when I had broken up with Maya in the first place.
I glanced at Jacob, who was silently watching me. There had been a time when we’d been on the same team, and I’d always known exactly what he was thinking, but now, we stood on opposing sides in a way, almost facing off.
“When are you seeing her again?” Kina asked.
“Tomorrow, actually.”
Kina looked up at me, smiling. “Well, that’s a good sign.”
I shrugged, “We’ll have to see. Like I said, it’s early, and I don’t want to screw things up. I ran into her at the training center when I went to watch practice. She is on the Sharks Cheerleading Squad now.”
“Oh, well there you go,” Jacob said, speaking up for the first time. “It’s a good thing you decided to go then. Maybe you should swing by sometime soon; you could even go on a night that Maya trains there again.”
“I’ll have to see,” I said.
“It will be fun. This time, you can stay until the end, and we can have a beer with the guys afterward. You know a few of them; they went so school with us.”
I was irritated. Jacob was pushing for me to spend more time at his practice, which was the last place I wanted to go. I didn’t want to see the men training; I didn’t want to be reminded that they were playing professional football while I was a boring accountant. I didn’t want to have to plaster a smile on my face and pretend to enjoy it.
“I’ll have to see how it goes,” I said pointedly. Jacob and Kina glanced at each other, no doubt silently communicating, gossiping about me, which pissed me off even more.
The rest of the night was strained again, awkward, like we hadn’t had the small period of grace in the kitchen. Dinner was delicious, though overshadowed by the animosity between us.
The chicken wings that were supposed to be a sign of happiness didn’t taste like happiness at all. When I finally left, I was tired and agitated. The night had been a bust in my book, but at least they would leave me alone for a while.
As I drove home, I felt conflicted. I didn’t like spending time with Jacob, and by extension, I avoided Kina. Yet I missed my sister, and I missed spending time with people I loved.
I hated being alone all the time. I had no idea how to bring the two together so that I wasn’t reminded of all the things that hurt while still spending time with my friends and family.
Until I figured that out, I would carry on the way I was now. At least I had Maya to keep me company. That, for now, was enough.