When I got to the office on Wednesday, Louie was in my office.
“You’re sitting in my chair,” I said.
“And you’re engaged. I saw it on Facebook. Is it true?”
I stifled a groan. This was for Maya.
“Yes, it’s true,” I said.
Louie looked surprised. “I didn’t even know you were dating. You have no life.”
I raised my eyebrows at him.
“I mean, you spend more time working than anything else,” he said. “I didn’t even realize you had a girlfriend.”
I ignored his stupid comment, trying to curb the irritation that often accompanied any interaction with Louie.
“We kept it private,” I said. “Personal reason.” It was what Maya was telling everyone, too. “Now that we’re engaged, we thought it safe to make it public.”
Louie grinned and finally stood up from my chair. He walked over to me and clapped me on the back.
“Well, congratulations, buddy. I creeped her Facebook profile. Maya’s hot.”
“Isn’t that a privacy violation?” I asked.
Louie shrugged. “If it’s on the net it’s on the net, dude. What am I supposed to do? It’s right there to be looked at. It’s kind of like a naked woman. You’re not going to undress her, but if she’s already naked, you’re going to ogle.”
“That’s a fucked up analogy,” I said.
Louie laughed. “I guess it is. But you get what I’m saying, right?”
I nodded. I understood what he meant. And I realized how easy it was for Tyler to keep tabs on Maya. I doubted it was as straightforward as reading something on Facebook; I was sure he put more into it, but he had been quiet since the engagement had been announced so it must have been working. I was relieved for a change that the information was out there. It had been a good call to put it on Facebook.
“I have to go,” Louie said, glancing at his wristwatch. “Got a client coming in ten minutes. Congrats again.”
He left my office, and I sat down behind my desk. I was engaged as far as everyone knew, so the story had worked. Perfect. I thought about what Louie had said about Facebook and opened it. I saw the notification of the status change, and I clicked on Maya’s profile. I hadn’t looked at it since college since I’d been trying to forget she existed at all.
Louie was right, she looked hot in her profile picture. There was one thing wrong with the status update and notification: it wasn’t real. A part of me wished it was. I had meant to propose to her before everything in my life had fallen apart. Where would we have been now if I’d gotten married to her instead of breaking up?
***
That evening, I got a call from Kina. Again. Was this ever going to stop? It was as if because I had said yes to one thing, they assumed I was okay with everything now, and they could keep right on going.
As if the awkwardness last night hadn’t been enough of a sign that nothing was okay.
“Who is it?” Maya asked when I rolled my eyes at my phone. We sat together in the living room, me on the couch and Maya with her feet tucked under her in the armchair.
“Kina,” I said.
Maya frowned. “So answer it.”
Right. That was the right thing to do, after all. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to my sister, though. Chances were she was going to invite us somewhere after I’d had such a good day. Maya and I were spending time together, work was going well and Tyler hadn’t made a peep since Maya had come to stay with me. I didn’t want something to ruin that for me.
I pressed the phone to my ear.
“Do you have a minute?” Kina asked.
I wanted to say no. “Yeah, sure.”
“Great. The Sharks are having a get-together tomorrow night, an appreciation event.”
“What’s that?” I interrupted. It sounded stupid.
“It’s an event where we’re pulling everyone together who makes it happen for the team and appreciate them. It’s not a difficult concept, Kyle.”
I sighed. “All right.”
“We’re putting on the event, and it would be great if you and Maya joined us. It’s a formal event, and we’re doing it down with dinners, speeches and everything.”
I shook my head even before she’d finished explaining.
“Look, it’s a little short notice. I don’t think we’ll be able to make it. Sorry.”
Kina hesitated. “You keep making a big thing of this.”
I shook my head. “Like I said, it’s short notice.”
We ended the conversation, because there was nothing else to say. Was I being a dick? Probably. But I was sick and tired of forcing a smile and being polite when I wanted to be angry and bitter. I was tired of agreeing to family events or football events, because I had an obligation. I wanted them to leave me alone.
“What was that?” Maya asked.
“An appreciation event for the Sharks and everyone who makes it happen for them. Tomorrow night.”
“You declined,” she said.
I nodded, looking up at her.
“I don’t understand,” she shook her head.
“It was short notice,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say. My excuse was pathetic; I was aware of that.
“But we’re not doing anything tomorrow night. Are you doing something?”
I shook my head. I thought about lying, but what good would that have done?
Maya was silent long enough that I knew she thought it all over carefully. That was always dangerous with a woman: they found loopholes and reasons that men never thought about.
“You know, I’m technically a part of the team,” Maya said. “What if I wanted to go?”
I pulled up my shoulders. “Didn’t they send you an invite?” I was picking a fight. I knew that, but I couldn’t help it. I had dug myself into a hole, and I could only make it worse unless I was willing to apologize, which I wasn’t because I was entitled to my feelings.
“I believe that was what Kina just did,” she said, and she was right.
There was nothing I could say to that. So I stayed silent. Maya shook her head,
“I don’t know what your problem is, but this is ridiculous,” she said. “Are you going to keep being an asshole like this?”
“What?” This was escalating, but I didn’t want it to. I hated when people called me an asshole— even if it might be true.
“You’re ruining this for everyone,” Maya said. “I don’t know what your issue is, but you’ve been weird about Jacob and Kina and everything they try to do. I’ve tried to pull it apart, to see it from your side, but I don’t get it. They don’t seem to have done anything but be good to you, even if you throw it back in their faces every time. What is going on, Kyle?”
I shook my head. “You don’t know the half of what’s going on my life.” I was getting angrier. “It’s easy for you to sit there, looking in from the outside and preaching to me about how I should act, but you don’t know what my life is like now.”
“And whose fault is that?” Maya asked. She was right. “You dumped me before I could be there for you with whatever it was that was so terrible in your life. And you haven’t let me in since. We might be living in the same house, we might be pretending that everything is fine, but that’s all we ever did.”
“You asked me to pretend,” I said.
“Yes, pretend to be my fiancé. But the rest of it? I didn’t want you to pretend to be someone else or to hide who you really are.”
I shook my head. This was spiraling out of control. She punched me with her words, backing me into a corner, but I couldn’t fight back, because she was right.
“What’s going on?” Maya asked. “What the hell is your problem?”
I kept shaking my head. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
“Why not? You can’t keep pushing me away forever.”
“Yes, I can,” I said. “We’re not really engaged. We’re not even dating. I don’t owe you anything.”
Maya recoiled. I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth, but it was too late. They were out there and damned if I was going to apologize. I was right, wasn’t I? This was bullshit. I didn’t have to explain myself, to defend myself. If I wanted to be the way I was, that was my choice.
“You’re right,” Maya said, and her voice was soft and low. I knew that voice; I had heard it many times in our relationship before. It was the voice of a woman who was done arguing. It should have made me feel victorious, but I knew better. I knew that when Maya stopped trying, there were worse things to come.
Maya stood up from the armchair.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
She shot me a deadly stare. “We’re not really engaged, so I don’t owe you anything,” she said coldly and left the room. A moment later, the door to the spare bedroom closed.
I hoped she would come back out so I could talk to her, so we could fix this. I’d fucked up; I knew that. I said shit I shouldn’t have. It was true we weren’t really engaged, but it had been wrong to use that as any kind of leverage. I should have spoken to her about what was going on or politely told her that I preferred to keep it to myself. Instead, I had said the one thing I shouldn’t have.
When she didn’t emerge from the bedroom, I realized I had to go to her. I had to apologize. It wasn’t my strong suit, but this was Maya. I cared about her and felt like shit for what I’d said.
I knocked on her door.
“What?” she asked.
“Can I come in? I want to talk.”
“It’s your apartment,” she said, and she sounded distant and switched off. I opened the door, expecting to see Maya on her bed crying or something. Wasn’t that why she had escaped into the bedroom?
But, instead of being a damsel in distress, Maya was packing her bag. She didn’t look liked she had cried at all.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m leaving,” she said. She looked up at me, and her brown eyes were flat, her face expressionless.
“What? You can’t.”
Maya shook her head. “In light of your last comment, we both know you have no right to say that to me.”
“No, wait, I mean, I don’t want you to go. Can’t we talk about this?”
Maya sighed, zipping up her bag.
“That’s what I was trying to do,” she said. “I think it’s better if I go. We need some space.”
She hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and pushed passed me, walking through my apartment to the front door. I trailed behind her, panic grabbing me by the throat.
“Don’t go, Maya,” I pleaded.
Maya didn’t respond, and she didn’t stay. She opened the door and left, walking right out into the night. I wanted to call her back, to run after her, to do something to prevent her from leaving. But I knew Maya. I had dated her long enough to know that when she walked away it was because she wanted to be left alone, not because she was dramatic and wanted me to run after her, begging. I used to love that about her. Now, I knew it meant she wanted to get away from me.
And I hated that.
I stood in the doorway for the longest time before I finally closed it and turned around to face the empty apartment. Well, shit. I was alone again.