Ten Years Ago

There are days in my life when I wonder how I got to exactly where I am. It’s not like when I’ve been zoned out while driving for a half hour and can’t figure out how I’m still alive; it’s more curiosity about what steps I skipped that landed me in certain situations where I don’t want to be. I’ve been told time and time again that if I do things the right way and don’t take shortcuts, it’ll pay off. Well, I’m calling bullshit on all that.

It’s Freshman Orientation day, and I’m standing in front of the school, looking up at this daunting, aged building as if it’s going to swallow me whole at some point in the next four years. I have this unsettled feeling of unease, at least partly because I’m not sure I made the right life decision, which sucks since it’s the first life decision I’ve been able to make for myself.

“Scarlett. You okay, babe? You look lost in that head of yours again, but um, I’m going to head over to my dorm and check things out. Are you going to be cool for a bit?”

“I’m fine, Teak. I’m going to check into my dorm too,” I tell him.

Overbearing boyfriend? Check.

“I’m so glad we did this together because I honestly think we’re going to have the best four years ever.” Teak kisses me on the cheek and jogs off toward the men’s dormitory, hooting into the distance. No one else is really making noises or shouting with excitement, but I think Teak has this idea of what college is supposed to be like, and he can only visualize the fraternity part of the experience.

A Stalker-like boyfriend, who wants to share every single college experience together? Check.

The moment I’m alone, a sense of freedom overwhelms me, and for the first time in my life, I know I’m in control, even if it’s only self-control.

My story is one of a girl who was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth. However, as soon as I learned what money could do to a person, I spit the damn spoon out and refused to follow in the footsteps of a man who only sees life in dollar signs. So here I am, the only person who would likely turn down a full ride at college in exchange for freedom. If I let Dad pay, it would only be an extension plan for his ownership of me, and there was no way I could feed into that any longer. I want to start my story at the beginning—my beginning, which means rejecting what looks easy and never turning back. In other words, having a smothering boyfriend at the beginning of my story is not going to work out too well. For him. I’ll deal with that shortly, though.

I use my paper map to search for the location of my dorm, finding it on the other side of the grassy quad. At least the dorms aren’t co-ed, which is pretty much the only thing working in my favor for this fresh-start thing I’m attempting. I realize I’ve done this to myself. Despite the fact that I’m not the—I want to be near you, next to you, taste you, breathe you in, and sniff your butt—demented part of the relationship I’m in, I haven’t taken the necessary move to break free from it. I was set to take off in my own direction to college … alone, but Teak insisted on going to the same university. Almost as soon as I (stupidly) told him I was going to Hartford University, he “luckily” got in too, and here we are … together, forever at last, or whatever it is he’s chanting in his head right now.

“Scarlett!” I hear from behind. “Babe, wait up.”

I turn and readjust the bags on my shoulder. “Did you forget something?” I ask him. I’m honestly not sure I could sound less interested if I tried, yet he doesn’t seem to pick up on this. He hasn’t picked up on it since I lost interest in him when I found out he was going to this school too.

“I just want to see where you’re living. Gotta check the place out and make sure it’s good enough for my woman,” he says with a wink that looks more like a twitch. Maybe it is a twitch. It would explain some things.

The caveman-type boyfriend who beats on his chest while claiming his woman? Check.

“Teak, I’m fine, really, but thank you.” I keep walking, but he follows.

“Is something wrong?” he asks. “You sound kind of cold. I can warm you up, babe.”

I sound kind of cold. Do I look cold? Because it’s a hundred degrees and 80 percent humidity. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just you.

A boyfriend who keeps using pickup lines a year after being a relationship with the same woman? Check.

“Oh my God,” I say through gritted teeth. I squeeze my hands into the sides of my head. “No, I just want to find my own way right now, okay? That’s all.”

“Oh,” he says with cynical laughter. Because clearly, I sound like I’m joking, as far as he’s concerned. “Ooh, I have an idea. Later, we choose a place to meet up and then pretend like we’re strangers. It will look like a typical Freshman instalove hookup, and everyone will think we’re like the hottest couple on campus for the rest of the year. Plus, that could be sexy and fun to pretend like we’re just meeting, right?” He pulls my hair behind my back and wraps his arm around my neck. “God, you’re so cute.” He just keeps talking and talking and talking, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I can’t live without you. I need you, I want you, give me more.

The guy who feels like a relationship needs to be spiced up after only a year … at nineteen years old? Check. I can’t imagine what our future would look like in ten years.

I let out a loud huff of air. “No, Teak. I want to go find my dorm.” Is it just me, or am I just saying the same thing but in different ways, over and over?

“Well, now I really want to come. It sounds like you’re avoiding me or hiding something. What’s going on with you, Scarlett? You’re making me nervous.” I’m making him nervous because I want to locate my dorm on my own, and he feels the need to follow me rather than find his own dorm.

Insecure and jealous for no reason? Check.

“Do you hear yourself?” I ask him. “You sound nuts.”

“I sound nuts because I want to make sure you’re taken care of?”

“Yeah, I don’t need to be taken care of,” I tell him. My face is getting hot, and I just want this conversation to end. I want this whole thing with Teak to end. All of it. He needs to go away. Now.

“Scarlett,” he chuckles. “Every woman needs to be taken care of. Don’t you realize how lucky you are to already have a man who wants to protect you and make sure you’re safe?”

Oh my God. Am I the only one who can hear this utter craziness right now? I knew he was way more into me than I’ve been into him over the past year, but he’s taking things too far right now. College was supposed to be our forced breakup, and that obviously didn’t work out as I hoped. Originally, I figured if I just waited out senior year, I wouldn’t have to hurt him. Then he got into this school, and procrastination took over. Handling a situation “tomorrow” was my typical way of handling things, but not anymore. I clearly let things go past the point of a sane return. In fact, not only do I not want to spend every second of my life with Teak, I just want to be alone, maybe even forever. Who knows? I might want to be a cat lady. Those cute little pets do not have testosterone-laced attitudes, or say things like: ‘Every woman needs to be taken care of.’ Just, no.

When a boyfriend begins to act and sound like my father, and I realize … oh shit? Check.

“Um, I can’t do this,” I tell him.

“You can’t do what, baby-girl?” He asks, placing a kiss on my neck, and I feel like I’m about to lose it. “Want to go test out our new bed?”

I shove him off of me. “Space. I need space.” Our bed? What?

“Are you okay?”

“No, Teak. I’m not okay. I mean, yes, I am okay, so I don’t need to be taken care of.” I place my hand on his shoulder that’s well over a foot above my head. “I’m a big girl. I got this.”

He’s looking at me like I’m adorable. What the hell is wrong with him? Does he understand what I’m saying? Maybe he’s too tall, and the words can’t make it up to his ears so they are just entering his dick. That would make all the sense in the world.

“I love you, though. Why are you acting like this?” he asks.

A boyfriend who speaks straight from the heart of his dick? Check.

“I’m not acting like anything. This is the beginning of my life, Teak. My life.”

“Okay? Do you want help carrying your bags or something?”

I groan because he is dense. Stupid can be cute for a little while, but right now, stupid is putting things way too nicely. It’s not cute anymore.  It’s just really, really annoying. “Look, my mother stayed home for the last eighteen years, watching me. Just watching me. She cleaned, cooked, did the errands, and got an allowance from my dad every week while she probably worked harder to keep the house in one piece and me alive than my father has ever worked. She was a ‘kept woman,’ as my dad would tell her, and she’s miserable. Like, she daydreams about soap operas coming to life kind of miserable. Do you know how sad that is, Teak?” Of course, she’ll never admit it because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, but that is not who I am or who I want to be.

“I’m confused. So, you don’t want to be a wife and a mother?” he questions.

“No, Teak, I do, but I can have it all, and I’ll make sure I get it all. Me. I will do that myself. I don’t want to be someone’s possession. I don’t want to be controlled or taken care of when I can do things on my own.”

“You know, some men take care of a woman because it makes them feel good. It makes them happy,” he says, clearly confused. I know he cares about me, but he has a self-absorbed, obsessively controlling, jealous streak, and I’ve had just about enough of it.

“I’m glad for those men, and if you’re one of them, I’m sure there is a woman out there who would just love to be taken care of like that, but I’m not her.”

“So, what, you want to be a dude or something?” His eyes, nose, and mouth contort with unfathomable confusion.

A boyfriend who can’t take the comment: “It’s not me, it’s you,” the right way, then questions my choice of sexuality? Check.

“No, Teak, I want to be a woman who isn’t under someone’s control. I’m at college where I should be allowed to “find myself” and work toward a career so that, if and when, I get married and have kids, I’m equally able to contribute. That’s what I want. I don’t see what’s so weird or confusing about wanting this normal kind of life?”

“Okay, well, I’m obviously not following whatever is going through your head right now, so I guess I’ll just let you be until you’re feeling more like yourself.”

“That sounds good,” I tell him. No, no it doesn’t sound good. I don’t want to see him again. I don’t want to try to avoid looking at that mole under his eyebrow anymore and wonder why I can still see it even though he has black eyebrows. Plus, that scar on his forehead looks like a heart, and that creeps me out too. I know my thoughts are mean, and he can’t control the features of his face, but I don’t want to look at him. I’m done. Every single girl in our high school wanted him, and yet, he wanted me. I thought I was lucky for like a month, but now, no. I don’t want to be wanted by him anymore.

He kisses me and holds me tightly against his body, making an embarrassingly public display of affection. I try to push away, but he doesn’t release me until I use force. I feel like I’m being suffocated. “Teak, relax. I’m just going to my dorm.” I point behind me to the tall building that’s less than a hundred feet from his dorm.

“I’ll miss you,” he says.

That’s it. It happens.

Something snaps in my head. Like, there’s literally a snapping sound. I thought that was a figure of speech, but there is definite snapage.

I scream. I scream extremely loud—loud enough that campus security is running toward us.

“What are you doing? Are you okay?” Teak asks. “Scarlett?” I feel his hands pawing at me, but I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me.

“Stop, stop, stop, stop!” I shout.

“Oh my God, are you having a nervous breakdown or something? I’ll call 9-1-1. Hang in there, babe.”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Is this man hurting you, miss?” a security guard asks.

“No, no, I just need some air,” I tell them.

“You’re outside,” the guard says.

“I need more air.” There isn’t enough air on this freaking planet right now to keep me from suffocating as long as Teak is within my sight.

The guard grabs Teak by the arm and pulls him away. “I’ll call you, babe.” I’m changing my phone number. “I love you!” I love me more. “You’re going to be okay. I’ll take care of you, I promise.” I won’t be okay until I’m far away from here. From him. From control. From anyone who thinks they know how I feel. From anyone like Dad.

With the coast clear of Teak and the security guards, I run toward the street. There’s a city bus pulling up, and I don’t know where the hell it’s going, but I’m out of here. I toss my cell phone into the grass before stepping off the curb and climbing onto the bus that will take me to where I’m meant to be.