It is what it is
“Get the fuck out!” Romero said, smiling, “Is that you, Billings?”
Brandon extended his arms out to the sides. “In the flesh.”
“What?” Angel added, “No way!”
Brandon laughed. As surprised as everyone else, Eric couldn’t believe how different Brandon looked.
Angel reached out, shook his hand, and patted his shoulder. They all did the same except for Romero, who feigned punching him in the stomach.
“Did you just get back?” Angel asked.
“Last week, actually.”
Alex went back to leaning on his truck. “You wanna beer, man?”
“Yeah, I’ll take one.”
Alex swatted Romero on the arm. “Go grab one from the ice chest.”
Romero made a face. “Why me?”
“Because I asked you to.” Alex turned back to Brandon. “So how was it?”
Brandon smiled. “I can’t complain. I mean, it was hard at first. Boot camp’s brutal, but you get used to it and,” he said, looking away for a second, “anything was better than being home.”
“What’s this?” Romero pointed at Brandon’s upper arm, after handing him the beer. “You got a tattoo?”
Brandon turned his arm to them when he saw the interest in everyone. It was the US Marine embeltooloo?lem, the one with the eagle sitting on a globe with an anchor going through the globe. The detail was impressive, and by the look on Brandon’s face, there was no doubt he was proud.
“That’s cool.” Romero studied it closely. “You know I’m thinking of getting a tattoo. Did it hurt?”
The guys chuckled. “What are you gonna get, Romero? A picture of your cat, Flea?”
Romero looked at Alex, disgusted. “Its Fee Fee, and he’s not my cat, he’s my uncle’s.” He brought his attention back to Brandon. “I was thinking of getting a gun right here.” He lifted his shirt, exposing his abdomen. He stuck his hand in his pants. “So it looks like I’m packin’.”
They all busted up, including Brandon.
“That’d be the only thing you’d be packin’,” Alex said.
Romero looked at all of them, obviously failing to see the humor. Without commenting on their laughing, he looked back at Brandon. “So does it hurt?”
The girls had come over to pet the dog. He was cute, just a pup. Instead of bending over and petting the dog like Sarah and Valerie, Sofia came over and leaned against Eric, slipping her hand in his. Brandon glanced at them, then brought his attention back to Romero. “Nah, it doesn’t hurt too much. The vibrating needle kinda numbs it.”
“Damn, Brandon,” Romero said, looking at his arm, “looks like they worked you out pretty good.”
Brandon chuckled. “Yeah, I thought I was used to getting worked out, but I got back home and,” he looked at Sofia, “got worked out pretty hard here, right, Sof?”
Sof?
Sofia smiled. Eric held her hand a little tighter. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but he wasn’t jumping to any conclusions like he knew her brothers would. They all stared at Sofia. Brandon saw the looks on their faces. “I knew she was on the track team, but damn. I didn’t know how fast she was.”
Eric glanced at Sofia. In very unlike Sofia fashion, she blushed. She hadn’t mentioned Brandon was even back in town, much less that she’d been running with him. Eric didn’t want to make too much of it, but he had to wonder if had anything to do with her behavior this week.
“So you raced?” Romero asked. Before either could respond, he added, “Did you beat ‘im, Sof?”
Sofia and Brandon exchanged glances. It was just a glance, but it held the weight of an elephant. It turned Eric’s stomach. The carefree afternoon he’d been having up until then took a nose dive.
“I almost beat him,” Sofia answered.
Brandon smiled. “Don’t worry, Sof, You’ll get me next time.”
Eric squeezed her hand. The hidden message in Brandon’s eyes wasn’t missed. Sofia didn’t respond. Much to Eric’s annoyance, Romero went back to asking about the tattoo. As if one tattoo made Brandon an expert on the subject. Eric wanted to hear more about Brandon and Sofia running. If he didn’t now, he’d sure as hell make sure he did later. Unfortunately, later would have to wait. The guys had planned a night out, bowling.
After chatting for a while longer, Brandon finally said he had to take off, but not before turning to Sofia one last time. “You gtim heonna be out there tomorrow morning?”
Eric felt her tense up. “No. I only run during the week.”
“Alright, then I’ll see you out there Monday morning.”, he said, and Sofia shrugged in response.
To top it off, Angel insisted that since Eric had had such a long drive, there was no sense in taking two cars—they should all go in his. The only moment he would’ve had alone with Sofia before tonight was the drive to bowling alley. Now that was shot, too. He wouldn’t even be able to take advantage of the ride home.
Alex and Valerie must’ve taken a detour along the way, because they’d all been at the bowling alley over twenty minutes, and they still weren’t there. Those two did that a lot. With Angel and Sarah off to buy drinks, and Romero showing off his bowling skills, Eric took advantage of the moment.
“So how come you hadn’t mentioned Brandon being back?”
Sofia lifted a shoulder. “I dunno. I forgot. I only ran with him a couple of times.”
“You forgot?” Eric didn’t want to be pissed. He didn’t want to ruin the weekend before it even started. But he knew if he ever forgot to mention something like that to her, she’d go postal on him. He knew he could trust Sofie. He just couldn’t shake the bad vibe he got when she exchanged glances with Brandon.
“It was in the morning and only for a few minutes. By the end of the day it had totally slipped my mind.”
That made sense to him. Still, he squeezed her hand. “Anything else you forget to tell me?”
She shook her head immediately. Eric leaned his forehead against hers. “Look Sof, if you forgot to tell me because you thought I’d be mad, that’s not cool. Remember just like I’m always reminding you that I’ve never given you any reason to doubt me, you’ve never given me reason, either.” He lifted her chin. “I’m okay with you taking a jog with a friend, it’s when you start keeping it from me that makes me wonder why, okay?”
“Okay,” She stared into his eyes.
He stared back. “Promise me you won’t keep things from me no matter how mad you think I’ll be.”
“I promise,” she said, then squeezed him tight, “I love you so much.”
They kissed until someone cleared his voice loudly. Angel stood behind them with a frown. She was still his little sister. “Will you two knock it off?”
Sofia laughed. “If you can keep your hands off Sarah for even five minutes, I will.”
Ignoring her, Angel turned to Romero. “So do we get to play or are we watching you all night?”
Eric turned back to Sofia, who leaned into him. He’d let the bad vibe go for now and hope that’s all it was. But he’d be damned if he was letting his guard down. The thing about knowing Sofia so long is he knew her better than most boyfriends knew their girlfriends. That’s what made him a little nervous. In all the years he’d known her, she’d never ceased to amaze him or surprise him, and yet he knew her like the back of his hand.
If her brothers so much as suspected even halfcteris of the things they’d done when they were younger, stuff usually suggested by Sofia, Eric had no doubt they’d blow a fuse, even now. Eric expected to be able to trust her. He knew she loved him as much as he loved her, and that she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. But if there was one thing he’d learned over the years, with Sofia you just never knew what to expect. Very little, if anything, ever made Sofia blush, so her blushing was a red flag.
***
It is what it is, but sometimes it’s not.
What you get is what you see.
You get only what you think it is.
Always been that way. And will always be.
Sofia read the damn poem she found buried under other stuff she’d pinned over it. After all these years, she still didn’t get it. When Brandon emailed it to her back in high school, she read and reread it. As much as she loved to write, she didn’t get poetry. All poetry seemed to go over her head, and Brandon’s was no exeption. It made her feel stupid. If she wasn’t deep enough to get it, how could she possibly write it?
She wanted so bad to tell him she understood, but she didn’t. Finally, she ‘fessed up and told him she liked it, but didn’t get it. She remembered that conversation and Brandon laughing. “I thought for sure you of all people would get it.”
Sofia stared at him, feeling even stupider. “Me? Why?”
Brandon looked down at his notebook on the desk. “I guess because you can relate to me… at least I think you can.”
What did that mean? Good God, she felt dumber with each sentence he spoke. “I think I can relate to you. I’ve just never been good about deciphering hidden messages in poems.”
He finally lifted his eyes away from the notebook and their eyes locked. “There’s no hidden message, Sof.” The bell rang and Sofia realized she was holding her breath. She let her breath out slowly and they both stood and grabbed their books. Brandon smiled at her. “It’s right there, Sof. The words say it all.”
Sofia pinned the poem back on her tack board, frowning at all the useless junk she had tacked on over the years. She’d clean it off eventually.
Even though the weekend was over, Sofia still couldn’t get over the disaster she’d dodged that past Friday. As sneaky as she’d been through the years because her brothers had forced her to, one thing she’d never been good at doing was lying to Eric. He knew her too well. If he had probed even just a little more, she might have spilled her guts and begged him to forgive her.
She hadn’t gone running in the back walkway of her house since the day they kissed, hadn’t even seen Brandon again until Friday. The only thing Eric had asked her since then was if her running at the beach now instead of her usual place had anything to do with Brandon. Of course, she denied it. She told him it was because the days were so beautiful, and he knew how much she loved the beach, especially in the summer. He hadn’tr. 8"> < brought Brandon up since.
Brandon would be leaving first thing Saturday morning. At least that’s what she heard him tell Alex. The fact it relieved her also gnawed at her. Not a day had gone by since the kiss that she hadn’t thought of it. At first she kept wondering what would have happened if she had let it go on. She knew the moment she left his place she wouldn’t be stepping foot in that walkway again, afraid of what might happen—what he might say. Mostly, she was afraid he might ask her again if she wanted to.
After seeing Eric in Los Angeles, then again this past weekend, the answer to Brandon’s question was clear. Absolutely not, and she wouldn’t hesitate to scream it in his face if he ever asked her again. But the fact still remained—she let him kiss her—hold her, and it riddled her with guilt. Why hadn’t she told him to stop when he gave her the chance?
She lay down on her bed, certain she was in for another night of tossing and turning. Eric had been so sweet when she spoke to him earlier on the phone. The guilt weighed heavier and heavier with every conversation.
*
Even though he was staying with his mom during the summer, they hadn’t really talked a whole lot since he’d been there. His mom was an RN and worked different shifts every week. She worked at two different hospitals and was gone a lot. When she wasn’t gone, she was sleeping since her shifts were usually night shifts.
The few conversations they’d had were as generic as all the conversations he remembered having with her. Work, school, his internship… she asked him about Sofia but he made it pretty clear that was not a subject he would elaborate on, so she hadn’t asked since. Why should he share the most precious thing in his life with her? He didn’t feel she deserved it.
Most of the meals he’d had so far consisted of him slapping a grilled cheese, or throwing cup of noodles in the microwave and eating it alone in front of the television or in the spare bedroom—the room his mother told him was his for the summer, and for as long as he ever needed it. So when he got home Monday night, he was surprised to see the small kitchen table set up and her making dinner.
She smiled when he walked in. “Hey, I hope you like roast! I was in the mood to cook a real dinner.”
Eric glanced around. She’d made mashed potatoes and even had a bowl of fresh baked rolls. He wasn’t sure how he felt about having to sit through an entire meal with her.
“Can you grab that salad and put in on the table for me?” His mom was already putting two plates of dinner together. “Is juice okay or you want milk?”
“Juice is fine.” He placed the salad on the table and walked over to pull out the glasses from the cupboard. “You want juice also?”
“Yes, please.”
Eric poured two glasses and brought them over to the table. With everything set, they sat down to eat. He made a few comments about the quality of the food, especially the dinner rolls which she’d made from scratch. She must’ve had the day off to have time for all this. Eric felt bad now; he’d been this close to passing and heading straight to his room.
After a few more minutes of their usual generic conversation, his mom put her fork down and placed her nd his room.
Growing up, he never dwelled on the fact that he didn’t have a mother. He remembered asking his dad when he was a kid where his mother was, but only out of curiosity. It wasn’t until he was ten that his dad tried to explain to him about his mom having “issues” and her reasons for not sticking around, but he always assured him that she loved him.
“I’m sorry,” she continued, “that I didn’t feel strong enough or mature enough to handle a child. I’m just so glad that your father has been there for you and obviously has done an excellent job of raising you. But I want you to know, I’ve always loved you.”
A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away. Eric didn’t know what to say—didn’t even understand why hearing her say she loved him moved him so strongly now. He’d never in all of his twenty years, needed her love, never even thought about it, but hearing her say it did something to him. Still, he was without words.
She dabbed her eyes and nose with a napkin and smiled weakly. “I only hope you’ll continue to give me the opportunity to make up for some of the time we lost.”
Eric nodded. “I will.”
It was all he could think of to say. They ate the rest of their dinner in silence. When they finished, he helped her clear the table. After placing the butter back in the fridge, he glanced at her at the sink, getting ready to wash the dishes. Without even thinking about it, something made him walk over and hug her. It took her by surprise, but she hugged him back.
“Thanks for dinner, Mom.”
He’d never called her that—never called her anything. He’d always just answered her questions or spoke to her without any reference to her name or what she was to him. The only time he referred to her as his mom was when he spoke to Sofia about her. It felt good.
She smiled, the tears welling in her eyes again. “You’re welcome, son.”