2014 – Santana
I curl against the man I adore, my fingers running up and down his heavily bandaged chest. I’ve been sitting with him for three hours now, at least, that’s how long I think it’s been since he came out of surgery. The doctor said he’s critical, but stable. The next twenty-four hours will tell. Hell, if he wakes up will be a big enough sign of things to come.
I’m tucked into him, tubes and wires gently resting on me. The doctors tried to move me; I told them there was no way in hell I was moving and that they’d have to carry me out. They adjusted things around me and this is where I’ve been sitting since. I still haven’t cried. Ash and Krypt came in, and Ash told me just how bad it is that I haven’t cried.
I know.
But he needs me to be strong.
Ash told me Pippa is at Maddox’s house, with four of the guys standing guard. Indi is with her, but apparently she fell asleep and has been that way ever since. I’m glad she’s getting rest. I’m just glad she’s with me. Things have been so hard; I can’t lose the man I love when I just got my sister back. I won’t trade one for the other.
Ever.
He has to make it.
I close my eyes, breathing him in. I’ve been praying for him to wake, hell, to move. He hasn’t. He’s been steadily breathing, though. I figure that has to count for something. Mack has been in and out; the poor man looks exhausted even after our sleep. None of us will get the rest we need until Maddox wakes.
Mack told me the club has been informed of Rhyder’s death. They’re preparing a funeral now for him and the other men lost. My heart aches at the very thought. Poor Rhyder. He didn’t deserve that. Non of them did. Maddox will be devastated when he’s forced to wake and attend a funeral. I can’t change it though, I can only hold strong for him.
It’s all for him.
“Chante?”
I turn my face to see Mack standing by the bed, a coffee and bagel in his hand.
“You need to eat.”
He’s right. I do...but I don’t want to.
“Please,” he says.
If it wasn’t for the fact that his eyes are so exhausted and broken, I would have refused. Instead, he helps me slide out from my spot beside Maddox and sits me down on a nearby chair. I sip the coffee, barely tasting it.
“You should go and rest.”
He shakes his head. “Can’t leave you or him alone, not now.”
“There are other guys, Mack. They can watch the door.”
His eyes grow hard. “I said no, end of discussion.”
“Mack...” My voice is soft, and at the sound of it, his eyes soften.
“Can’t leave him, Santana. You know that.”
I nod because I do know that. There’s no way I’m leaving him, and I shouldn’t expect anything different from Mack.
“Eat,” he says, pointing to my bagel.
I lift it, taking a small bite and struggling to chew it. I manage, though. Half way through, I can’t push anymore down. I place it on the tray and continue to sip my coffee. A nurse enters, her eyes travelling over Mack and I. She smiles, and goes over to Maddox, checking his vitals. Satisfied with his progress, she leaves.
“How long until he wakes up?” I whisper to Mack.
“The doctor said it could be any minute, or it could be days.”
“Do you think he will?”
“Yeah,” he responds, his voice hard. “He fuckin’ will.”
I nod, swallowing back my emotions as I stare at the lifeless body in the bed.
“You should go catch a shower,” Mack says. “Get some fresh clothes and come back. I’ll stay with him.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to leave his side...but I do need to shower and freshen up.
“Can anyone take me?”
He lifts out his cell. “I’ll call Tyke.”
“No,” I say quickly. “He’s probably sleeping. Call someone else.”
He nods and calls another club member. When he arrives, I stare at Maddox, then to Mack. “Please, call me if anything changes.”
“You know I will.”
I hug Mack and then...hesitantly...I leave.
~*~*~*~
Pippa is awake and sitting at the table with Ash and Indi when I come in. I smile at them, allowing hugs all round before taking a few steps back.
“How’s Maddox?” Ash asks.
“Nothing has changed,” I answer, tucking Pippa into my side.
“I’m sorry, honey.”
I can offer nothing more than a grateful smile.
“Mack sent me home to shower and change, I won’t be here long,” I turn to Pippa. “Are you okay?”
She smiles up at me, looking better than I’ve seen her since she’s been back. She’s clean, her hair soft. Her eyes are bright and her cheeks pink. It’s going to take a long time to take the dullness from her locks, and put some flesh on her bones, but at least she’s home and she’s safe.
God answered one of my prayers.
“I’m fine,” she says in a small voice. “Ash is really nice and Indi said she’d stay over, we’re going to watch movies.”
I give the girls a grateful look, and they both smile warmly at me.
“We’re going to have a great time,” Indi announces.
I love them in that moment, more than I ever thought I could. They’re worried about their men, no doubt wanting to hold them for days on end, yet here they are supporting me. I let go of Pippa and hug them again, forcing my tears back.
“It’s okay,” Ash says, even though I haven’t said a word. “Our men are home, safe. Yours isn’t. We’re going to take care of Pippa until he is.”
My nostrils burn and my throat constricts. Not now, Santana. Not now. I pull back, nodding because it’s all I can do.
“Shower,” Ash says softly. “I’ll get you some clothes.”
I nod, turning and rushing off up the stairs. I skid to a stop when I reach Maddox’s room. With shaky legs, I enter. I sit on the bed, pulling a shirt into my hands that had been tossed onto the dark covers. I breathe it in, and the burning in my nose increases until I’m sure I can’t hold back my tears.
Not now. Come on.
I swallow until my throat hurts, and drop the shirt. He’s going to be okay, he is. I can’t lose him now. I force myself to my feet and into the bathroom. My clothes come off without any clear acknowledgment of the act. I’m not thinking, not even really in the moment. My body is slowly going numb from the pain swirling in my chest.
Over the next half an hour, I wash, shave, clean and scrub any parts of my body that need it. Then I get out, dry and brush my hair, and then pull on the clothes Ash left on my bed – a pair of jeans and a turtle neck sweater. When I’m done, I make my way back downstairs.
That’s when my phone rings.
The sound is surprising, and it takes me a moment to realize it’s mine. I rush down stairs as fast as my sore leg will take me, but Ash has already answered it. She’s saying something I can’t hear, she nods, and then she hangs up. Turning to me, she whispers, “He’s awake.”
~*~*~*~
Driving to the hospital has never taken so long. The walk down the halls seems to go on and on; even at the fastest pace I can manage. By the time I reach Maddox’s room, I’m shaking. I hesitate at the door, my hand hovering over the handle. I close my eyes when I feel the hand curling around my shoulder.
“It’s okay,” Ash whispers. “Go on.”
I take a deep breath and push the door open. The first thing I see is Mack’s back and a whole lot of nurses and a doctor. I take a shaky step in, my hand going out to rest on Mack’s shoulder. He turns, staring down at me with a smile. I don’t take long to focus on it; instead I let my eyes travel past him to the blue eyes set on me.
Something inside me breaks as I take in the face of the man I love. His eyes, God, so perfect, are bloodshot. His cheeks seem slightly sunken and his lips are paler than usual. He looks beaten, broken and sore. I shove past the nurses in my way, ignoring their protests. I reach Maddox and my hand curls around his. There is so much inside me, so much hurt and emotion, yet none of it comes out.
“Hey,” he croaks.
“Hey,” I whisper, my voice too shaky.
“Miss,” the doctor says, “can you step back.”
“No,” I growl, so low it has him stepping back.
I turn back to Maddox, lowering my face and pressing my forehead to his. A gesture that means so much to us. It means more than a kiss. More than a hug. It’s our love. His breath comes in short bursts against my cheek, and I breathe him in. Even in the hospital, I can still smell a slight amount of him coming through.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“No,” he croaks. “Fuckin’...no.”
His big hand lifts, curling around my cheek and he holds my forehead to his. His arm shakes and I know how hard it is for him to keep his hand up, but he does. My big, beautiful, strong man.
“I understand you’re relieved,” the doctor begins. “But we need to check him. Please, miss.”
I pull back slightly and Maddox nods, weak and short. I press a kiss to his cracking lips, feeling that familiar burn in my nose. I step back, my entire body breaking out in shakes that weren’t there before.
It happens. There and then.
Everything I’ve held in, all the strength I’ve shown, it all crumbles. My entire body begins to shake and a heart-wrenching sob rips from my throat, causing everyone to turn and stare at me. Maddox’s eyes fill with a pain I’ve never seen coming from him, and it only makes it worse. I back up towards the door.
God.
Why now.
“Sweetheart.”
A soft voice. Mack’s...I think.
“Come on, let’s get you some fresh air.”
I shake my head. “I c-c-c-can’t leave him.”
My voice comes out broken and pathetic. Tears are streaming down my face.
“Let’s just-”
“I can’t leave him!” I scream. “Don’t you fucking dare take me away.”
The doctor looks at me, stepping away from Maddox.
“How about we give them a minute,” he suggests to the nurses. “His vitals are good. We’ll return in an hour.”
Before I know it, the room has cleared. Maddox is still watching me, his face breaking my heart even more. Mack looks to his brother, then back to me and says, “I’m going to get coffee.”
Then he’s gone.
And we’re alone.