Chapter 12

Allison

I sipped my coffee and sat curled up on the sofa as Sierra spoke to her father on the phone in the next room. It was all I could do to butt out and let her have her usual Sunday morning chat. It was the one time out of each week that he allowed her to call, and only because he had nothing else better to do. The calls never lasted more than five minutes anyway, so it wasn’t like she was going to take up too much of his time, but I made sure she did it, so that he couldn’t say I was keeping her from him.

Sierra walked in and placed my phone on the table and then turned to go to her room.

“Not so fast, honey pie. How’d the call go?” I couldn’t just let her go off to her room without gauging her mood. She’d had too many issues with her dad to do that, and I wanted to know what he’d said to her.

“He said ‘no.’”

“Said no? What did you ask him?”

“About the stupid career day. He said ‘no,’ he can’t come.” She looked at the floor, closing her fists in anger as her little chest heaved.

“I’m sure he has a good reason he can’t make it, honey. You know your dad works.” I wanted to rip my own tongue out and stomp on it for making excuses for the asshole and do the same to him just because he was an asshole.

“No, he said he had other things to do, and that the school thing was your job.”

I ground my teeth so hard my jaw popped. Far be it for him to take on more responsibility, just because it’s something I usually dealt with.

“I’ll tell you what, I can go if you want. I have a new job, and I work for one of the biggest advertising agencies in the city.” I was finally proud of my job and thankful I could help my daughter out.

“No. All the other kids are talking about their daddies coming. I don’t want to be the only kid there with a mommy and no daddy.”

“I’m sure you’re not the only one who won’t have their father, Sierra.”

“I don’t want to go! Can’t I just stay home that day?” She gave me a pleading look as tears filled her eyes.

“Sierra, I can’t let you do that, honey. You’re only allowed to miss so many days, and what would happen if you got sick again like you did last year?”

“I’ll go to school sick, Mama. Please don’t make me go.”

“You’re going. That’s final.”

“But it’s your fault he doesn’t like me! And it’s your fault that he won’t go! If I had a daddy who liked me, then I’d be like the other kids instead of being a loser.”

She stormed to her room and slammed the door, leaving my heart bleeding on the floor between us.

I picked up the phone, dialed Doug, and headed into the kitchen where my voice wouldn’t carry so much. He must have thought I was Sierra calling back. “Hey, honey, I can’t talk right now.”

“I’m not your fucking honey, you dick. Why can’t you ever do one simple thing for your daughter?”

“Jesus, it’s you. Look bitch, you’re the one who wanted to run off and be a fucking mother all on your own. So now you get to reap the whirlwind.”

“All of the other kid’s fathers are going to be there, and for some reason, she wants to show you off.” I took a deep breath as tears of anger filled my eyes. “Fuck, Doug. She thinks you don’t like her.”

“That’s because you fill her head with a bunch of bullshit about me.”

“No, it’s because of the shit that comes out of your mouth.”

“I don’t have time for this. Don’t call me bitching.”

I could hear Cindy in the background threatening me as the phone went dead.

“Fuck!” I started for Sierra’s room, but there was a knock at the door. Great fucking timing.

I threw the door open to find Katrina on the other side. She took a step back, and her eyes widened.

“Yikes, you look pissed off.” She came in and as usual, dropped her purse by the door and beelined for my coffee pot.

I followed her to the kitchen. “Yeah. My ex-husband has a fucking way of putting me in a shitty mood. And now he’s making our daughter feel like shit, too.”

She was dressed in her waitress uniform, minus the apron, and had not yet put her hair in its standard bun and hairnet. “What the hell has that asshole done now?”

“Same as always, but now, she’s finally starting to understand the meaning of his words and how much he hates me. It seems that Doug and Cindy like to talk about me, and since they always say she’s so much like her mother—”

“Man, that Cindy’s a bitch. Sierra can’t think they mean that stuff about her?” Katrina’s expression was filled with horror.

“Yeah, she does. And to top it off, the dick won’t even go to her fucking Career Day. Apparently, it’s the day all the kids show off their dads.” I let out a long sigh. “Why did I have to get us stuck with him? Why couldn’t she have had a good father; one who loved us both?” I kept my voice low, not wanting it to carry to her tender ears.

“You mean like David?”

I looked away from where she poured her cup of coffee. It had crossed my mind a time or two that I’d have been better off, but Katrina had told me her theories before. “Don’t start.”

She gave me an innocent look, placing her hand on her chest. “What? I’m just saying, she could be his.”

“There’s no way. I’ve done the math, and it worked out perfectly that she’s Doug’s.”

“No, you’re not taking into consideration that due dates aren’t always accurate. You had sex with him just two weeks before you think you conceived Sierra. So, what if you were already pregnant when you hooked up with Doug the Dick?”

“It’s a longshot. I would have known, though. Do you think I haven’t fantasized about how much better it would be? Trust me, I have. But she’s Doug’s, like it or not.”

I’d laid in bed with that fantasy since the moment I found out I was pregnant, which is why I took my due date and did the math a hundred times. I’d bled for days after I’d had sex with David, so I knew I’d had my period.

“I’d hoped that Doug would be the kind of father that would be a knight in shining armor for his daughter, but instead, he’d turned out to be the evil villain for both of us. He’d always been short-tempered, but once we were married, after he’d insisted on doing the right thing by me and the baby, it got worse. He was scared to death of being a father, and he never truly bonded with Sierra. He never changed a diaper, never watched her alone, and he didn’t do any of the usual bath or story time bonding that most fathers did. When the abuse and his tirades got too much to take, and I saw that he was starting to have his fits in front of our daughter, I knew it was time to leave. I had to get out of there and take Sierra to a place where she could feel safe and loved, a quiet, peaceful place.

“The day I left and went to my parents’ house, he showed up, and my father sent Doug away. If it hadn’t been for them, I don’t know how violent he would have been. It was the first time he’d made actual verbal threats. And so, I kept her from him until the courts made me give him visits. He told me it was all about hurting me, and all but admitted he didn’t know what to do with her.”

Katrina shook her head. “You should do a paternity test. I’m surprised he’s never done one, as much as he despises being a father.”

“No way! He likes having something to brag about. Like the thought that his mighty seed was so manly, he produced a kid.”

“How was dinner with baby daddy?” She shimmied her shoulders and made a lewd gesture with her tongue. The girl was totally nuts, which was why she was my best friend.

“Stop calling him that. She’s Doug’s, and you know it.”

The idea that Sierra could be David’s only made my heart hurt more about David leaving me. If he hadn’t gone into the Air Force, I never would have leaned on Doug for comfort. I’d been determined I’d never let Doug lure me back, and then as soon as I’d gone to him after David left, he’d knocked me up to ensure I couldn’t get away. He’d made me his prisoner, but he’d also given me the greatest gift in return. It was the only decent thing he’d done for me.

“Fine,” Katrina said. “I’ll lay off, but I’ve spoken my piece, and you know my theory.” She gave me a wink. “So, did you get a kiss?”

“A kiss? No. He’s my boss now, silly. He’s not interested in me that way. I mean, yeah, things got a little close there at the end of the night, but only because he was concerned for me. He thought Doug might have beaten me. I guess I can see why he might think that. My parents didn’t even have anything pleasant to say about Doug.”

“I bet he’d avenge you if Doug had and whipped that fucker’s ass. That would be so romantic.” She had a dreamy look in her eyes.

“Except the fact that I’d be a battered wife. I think I’d rather him not have to come to my rescue.” I chuckled half-heartedly. “Look, I know you just want the best for me, but if this is as good as it gets, I’m happy. I have a great new job, and Sierra will be fine once this whole Career Day shit is behind us. I’ll go talk about business, bore the entire class, embarrass my daughter, and she’ll be fine.”

“I’ve always liked your positive outlook on things. It’s refreshing. I still hope you get laid and that he’s secretly lusting after you; still hungry after all these years of longing. Think of the passion.” She fanned herself and sucked down the rest of her coffee.

After a little more small talk, she left for her shift at the diner.

I went to my room to get things ready for the week and to make sure I had what I needed to dress professionally. It had been a long time since I had a job where I could wear something that my apron wouldn’t hide. I found two skirts and three dresses that might work, but I’d have to go shopping after my first payday. The only two blouses I had to match the skirts were a bit worn.

Sierra came out of her room with her bear and crawled up on my bed. “What’s for lunch?”

I could tell she was still hurting from earlier, and her red-rimmed eyes were a clear indication that she’d been crying.

“How about I make your favorite macaroni and cheese casserole?”

She gave a little shrug and got down to head to the door. I stepped in front of her and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, honey. You know, you may not have a dad who can make a lot of time for you, but you’ve got a mama who would do anything for you. I love you to the moon and back.” I squeezed her tight and let her go, but without a word, she went to the kitchen.

I had no idea how I was going to make it better.