The rest of the day is a complete write off. I can’t concentrate for shit. All I can see is Chance allowing her nephew to pull her away from me, and her going willingly, despite my pleas for her to stay.
I stand under the shower spray, letting it pound against my skin as I press my head against the cold tiles. Frustration clenches my fists and I have to fight to keep myself under control. Closing my eyes, I focus on the water as it splashes against my skin, and rolls down my body in streams. Eventually, my fists uncurl and I press my flat palms to the cold tiles above my head.
I’m losing her. If I haven’t already.
I normally let myself into her house, but after today, I don’t think that’s the best way to proceed. I’ve left my duffle in the car, somehow knowing I won’t be staying tonight. Swallowing down the overwhelming sense of trepidation, I knock on the solid timber door.
Vivian answers with a frown, “Why’d you knock?” she asks, confused.
Forcing a smile, I shrug, “Chance isn’t very happy with me, thought it would be best if I knocked.”
Vivian’s face drops, sadness and concern filling her eyes. “Oh, I see,” she licks her lips, “I’ll just go get her then,” she begins to turn away then thinks twice, “Come wait inside, you will always be welcome here, Carter, even if things between you and Chance don’t work out.”
I nod, “Thank you,” I tell her as I make my way to the lounge room and take a seat on one of the couches.
A few minutes feels like hours as I wait for Chance to come speak to me. She must have turned her phone off earlier, because all of my calls have gone to voicemail since she left the gym earlier today.
Squeezing my hands together between my knees, I watch my knuckles turn white, and then I hear her voice. It’s soft, and broken, affirming everything I feared.
“Hey,” she says, keeping her distance from me she stands behind the recliner that belonged to her father.
When our eyes meet I can tell she’s been crying, “Baby, please,” I start, but she shakes her head, cutting me off before I can plead my case.
The sad attempt at a smile that tugs at her lips breaks me, “I will forever be grateful to you for everything you have done for me,” she hiccups, “But I can’t be with you anymore, Carter. I’m sorry.” One single tear trickles from the corner of her eye, rolling down her cheek and coming to rest in the curve of her full lips.
My throat constricts, “I love you,” I whisper, unable to make my voice any louder.
Her face crumples, “And I love you, I always will.”
I get up, moving so the only thing separating us is the recliner. “Then stay with me,” I beg.
Another tear escapes her beautiful eyes, “I can’t. You know I can’t. You deserve someone who can support you the way you have supported me. And I’m not strong enough to be that person for you.”
“You are My Girl, you are the strongest person I know,” I try to tell her, but she drops her head, refusing to look at me.
“But I’m not. I wish I were, but I’m not. Not anymore, at least. I thought I was better, I thought I was dealing with everything, but clearly, I’m not. There isn’t anything more you can do to help me get there. I need to find myself again, on my own,” she raises her glistening eyes to mine. “Goodbye, Carter,” she whispers on a sob, then she turns her back on me and she’s gone.
I train harder, longer, tougher. It’s the only thing I can do to stop myself from going insane. Nothing brings me satisfaction like unleashing my rage on my opponent. Even then, my blood still pumps thick through my veins, begging for more.
I’ve turned into the monster Chance thought I already was.
But the truth is, she was changing me. With her by my side, I didn’t need to fight like I used to. She brought me peace. She soothed the need to seek release from the resentment that boiled my blood. She was all I needed to calm the storm inside of me.
Now she’s gone, and I feel like I’ve lost my damn mind.
The need for relief is more persistent than ever. Anger that I once had a handle on is out of control, simmering just under the surface, just begging for a reason to be unleashed.
“I’m worried about you,” Mase says, as I gulp down a protein shake.
Shrugging, I don’t even bother meeting his eyes, “Am I supposed to care?”
He punches me in the shoulder, hard, not mockingly the way he would have before. “You’re a fucking arsehole, you know that.”
Again, I shrug, “Yep.” I don’t look him in the eye, he’ll see how dead I am inside and know just how worried he really should be.
From the corner of my eye I see him shaking his head, “I don’t blame her for dropping your arse, you never deserved her,” he says, and starts walking away.
But I can’t let it slide, I launch at him, yanking his shoulder back, making him face me. “You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about!” I yell, only just stopping myself from smashing his face in.
I catch my mistake too late, Mase is looking straight into my eyes, and curses under his breath, shaking his head. “What the hell are you doing, man? You’re going to self-destruct. Go get her back.”
Dropping my hand from his shoulder, I turn away. “I can’t. I’ve got nothing left to give her. She already has it all, and it’s not enough,” I tell him, then walk away, needing space from his perceptive gaze.
Mase knows me too well. Which means he knows she’s the only thing that can bring me back from the brink of inevitable annihilation I’m heading for.