Another whole week passed, and still no word from Myla. I texted her a few more times and emailed her. She’d call if she was getting my messages, I knew she would, but I had to keep trying. Where in the world could she be that there was absolutely no communication?
So many times I picked up my phone and brought up Jude’s number. I wanted contact with him, even if it was just a text to say I’m still trying, and still missing you.
I didn’t do it, though. It wouldn’t be right to try to keep a link with him when I was only going to sever it in the end.
As the days passed, I began to doubt whether he even wanted to hear from me anymore. I was afraid my unexplained about-face had made him realize I was more trouble than I was worth.
I felt myself withdrawing more and more into a hermit-like shell. I didn’t go out, and I didn’t communicate with my family except through short texts saying I was too busy to talk. When I’d heard a noise the other day and looked out my office window to see Hannah knocking on my back door, I’d stayed put. A minute later, she’d given up and gone back through the gate.
I kept working crazy hours, trying to escape. I had dark circles under my eyes, and my neck and shoulders burned with tension. I was angry at myself and angry at Myla, even though I knew she was completely innocent. She had no idea her extreme reaction to a breakup three years ago was causing my own extreme reaction now, and she had no idea how desperately I needed to talk to her.
Hannah came over again on Thursday. This time she caught me in the kitchen, and since she could see me through the open blind on the door, I had to let her in. She handed me a plate of bars and I reluctantly met her sad, concerned gaze.
“You’re hurting, too,” she said gently. “I see that. I’m going to trust that you wouldn’t put Jude or yourself through this if you didn’t have a good reason. Just—just figure it out, okay? You two had something special. You need to get back to that.”
The temptation to confide in her was strong. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about this, and my totally solitary week had taken its toll. Even my work was starting to suffer because I was overdoing it and burning out.
I resisted the temptation, though. It wouldn’t be fair to put her in the middle.
“That’s what I want,” I said finally, my throat going tight. “I’m trying, Hannah.”
She gave me a quick hug, then left. I spent a long time sitting in the wingback in the living room, staring at nothing. I felt my determination to talk to Myla before opening up to Jude waning. I could just go ahead and level with him. I could tell him about being friends with Myla and how I was afraid me being with him would send her back to square one where she was fragile and depressed and made impulsive decisions about life.
He’d understand my caution, right? Maybe he’d even have some suggestions for making it easier for her. If we were careful, if we considered her feelings and gave her a chance to come to terms with it, maybe she’d accept it in time. Wasn’t there at least a possibility of that? Unless…..unless their breakup had been caused by more than just Jude deciding he didn’t love her.
That raised a whole other question. What would I do if he confessed to cheating on her? In my heart, that’s what I’d always suspected had happened to cause Myla’s breakup. But that was before I’d met Jude. Was he capable of that? And if not now, had he been three years ago?
I got up and paced to the window. I couldn’t keep going like this. I was beginning to fear there was a very real chance that Myla wouldn’t be able to call until she was completely finished with her special duty, and I couldn’t wait for that.
Jude deserved better.
I let my forehead fall against the window glass. I knew what I had to do. Now I just had to find the courage to do it. The courage to tell Jude we were over.
***
That courage eluded me. More days passed as I tried to sort things out. Tried to decide how to tell Jude I was choosing my friendship with Myla over him, even though it would break my heart. I didn’t expect him to understand, and that would only make it harder.
On Saturday evening, exactly two weeks after I’d realized he was JP, Jude sent me a text. When the tone I’d set for him sounded so unexpectedly, I practically jumped out of my skin. Heart racing, I just stared at my phone where it lay on the table, afraid to pick it up. Then I made a grab for it, desperate to hear something, anything, from him.
It was simple and to the point, and even that was more than I deserved after being inexplicably silent for so long.
Can we talk yet?
My hands started trembling as soon as I read the words. Part of me was surprised he still wanted to talk, considering I’d completely shut him out. I mean, really, could I have handled this any worse? I’d made up excuse after excuse for why I couldn’t talk to Jude, but nothing justified letting him hang for so long. Nothing.
I suddenly despised myself for the way I’d treated him. I’d been so caught up in my own misery I hadn’t given enough thought to what I was doing to him. I’d been a coward. A mixed up, lovesick, indecisive coward, and that had to end.
Yes. We can talk. Tomorrow?
I’ll be over sometime after lunch.
I’ll be here. Come whenever.
I waited for a reply, but none came. There was really nothing else to say, I supposed. We both knew what was coming. My prolonged silence meant there wasn’t much chance I was going to tell him anything other than goodbye, and Jude was smart enough to know that. He also needed to hear me say it and to get an explanation.
Even though I owed him that, I dreaded the meeting with every cell of my being. I would tell him the whole truth, but I knew that wouldn’t be the end of it. I needed to be prepared to hear him tell me I was making the wrong choice. He might even tell me things I didn’t know about his and Myla’s relationship. Maybe he hadn’t been at fault at all. Maybe Myla had made impossible demands on him and driven him away.
Or maybe my looming fear was valid and he’d indeed been unfaithful.
Would any of that make a difference?
I’d know soon enough.
***
“Um, sure, I’d love to join you at the buffet,” I told a navy-clad Priscilla the next day when she cornered me on the way to my pew. I was a little thrown by her conservative color choice. I mean, even I had navy shoes.
She warned me I’d have to hurry to the restaurant right after church or I wouldn’t get a close parking space. As if I hadn’t gone through the routine with Grandma at least fifty times.
To tell the truth, I was glad for her invitation. The hours between now and when Jude came over were going to be awful, as my dread grew ever heavier, and passing time with the ladies was preferable to my own lousy company.
I closed my eyes as the worship team led us in song, trying to feel the words I was singing. Words about Jesus’ unending love and faithfulness and giving God my burdens and trusting Him to see me through.
I gradually relaxed, my spirit growing a little bit calmer. It was good to be here, and I was glad I’d made the effort to come…..even though I’d felt a little bit like a nocturnal animal caught in the sun when I’d left my house in full daylight.
I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into with the buffet, but it had to be better than sitting at home counting the minutes until Jude arrived.
And this time, I wouldn’t be counting them down in a good way.
An hour and a half later, I was eating—or trying to eat—roast beef and mashed potatoes while listening to tales about kidney stones, cataracts, and irritable bowels. When Priscilla launched into an update on her sciatica, which was showing improvement thanks to her new chiropractor, Donna leaned over and asked if I’d want to meet her and Rosie at the trailhead down from my house at seven the next evening for a walk.
I readily agreed. After talking to Jude this afternoon, I knew I’d be devastated all over again, and the temptation to shut myself away would be strong. Promising to walk would ensure I’d get out of the house and be sociable, for at least a little while.
Over dessert, I listened to Priscilla’s husband, Myron, and Donna’s husband, Ray, the lone men in the group, argue about football. Some of the ladies rolled their eyes, having no doubt sat through many such “discussions.” I didn’t mind, though. It was still better than being home alone.
When the last bites of pie and cake had been consumed, and of course critiqued extensively…..a little too sweet, rather dense, a lovely texture…..I reluctantly parted ways with the group. I was glad for the time I’d had with them. Their chatter had definitely helped distract me from the inevitable.
I wondered how soon Jude would show up. Sometime after lunch didn’t exactly narrow things down.
I was in the parking lot close to my car when I passed two men looking up in the sky, one of them pointing.
“See that? That’s Life Flight putting down. The accident must’ve been worse than the alert said.”
The other man checked his phone. “Yep, they just updated it. Said the landing zone was set up at the elementary school.”
“Does it say who it is yet?”
“Not on the alert, but hang on, I just got a text from Melody.” He paused to read. “She said Courtney’s on-call for the ambulance, and she just sent a text. Says the copter’s for the guy whose pickup got dragged under the tractor trailer. Says it’s that Keller fella. Works for Owens Construction.”
Wait, what? His words punched through my chest. Did he say Keller? And Owens’ Construction? My legs went weak. No. Oh, please God, no no no.
Everything started spinning and I found myself on my hands and knees without remembering how I got there. Priscilla was leaning down, stroking my cheek and hollering for someone to get me some water.
“Are you feeling sick, Ava Ann?” she asked. “Did you eat too much? Do you feel like you’re gonna throw up? It’s okay if you do, dear, you’ll feel better after.”
I shook my head and grabbed the closest car bumper to pull myself up.
“No, I’m not sick. I just felt a little light-headed for a moment.” I swallowed my panic and took a step toward my car. “I have to go.”
“Well I don’t know if you’re in any shape to drive, dear. Let Myron and me take you home. You can have someone bring you back to pick up your car later.”
“No, I’m fine. Really. I can drive, it’s not far.” I didn’t want her to take me home and then insist on fussing over me. I had to get away and find out what was happening to Jude.
Please let him be okay. Please, God. Please watch over him.
I struggled out of Priscilla’s clutches and hurried to my car. My heart was still pounding but my head was clear now. I had to get home. I had to find Hannah and Chase. They’d know what was going on.
***
I jumped from the car as soon as I shut it off in my driveway, running directly to Hannah’s front door. I rang the bell and pounded on the door. I could hear Lulu barking like crazy, but no one came to answer the door. I pounded again, calling for Hannah, but she didn’t come.
What if they’d been in the accident, too? What if they’d all gone out to lunch together and were in the same vehicle when the truck hit it?
I couldn’t bear to imagine that. I ran back toward my house, stopping dead when I heard the rapid thump of rotors passing overhead. Jude. I raced inside and up the stairs to my office. I had to find out which hospital someone would be flown to from here.
My web search showed two medium-sized hospitals about a half hour from Hidden Creek, in opposite directions, but it appeared only one of them had an advanced trauma unit. That had to be the one the Life Flight was heading to. I wanted to go there immediately, but Jude’s family would no doubt be flocking to his side. I’d never met any of them other than Chase, and I didn’t want to be the awkward interloper no one knew, hanging around making everyone uncomfortable.
Plus, I had no right to be there. Not really. I’d left Jude high and dry these past two weeks, and to suddenly play the concerned girlfriend wouldn’t sit well. Not with him, or anyone else.
I changed out of my dress, pulling on the first pair of jeans I found and a T-shirt from the top of a stack in the drawer. I curled up on my bed and prayed, begging God to spare the life of a good, good man. One who I was sure had much yet to accomplish here on earth, even if it wasn’t with me.
Over an hour had passed by the time I finally pushed myself up and off the bed, my face swollen and stiff from dried tears. I washed it with cold water and went downstairs, checking my phone for any new notifications. I wished Hannah would call me, but why would she? I was out of the loop, and I had no one to blame but myself.
I wasn’t too proud to try to change that, however. I had to know how Jude was.
I dialed Hannah’s number and counted the rings, my tense shoulders slumping when it went to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. Hopefully when she saw she’d missed a call she’d call me back. Maybe.
I waited five minutes, then tried to call Chase. Again, I got voicemail. That left me out of options, because I didn’t know anyone else close to Jude. There was no one else I could call.
I turned on the local TV station and after a few minutes they gave a news alert about the accident. The reporter said a pickup had been waiting to make a left-hand turn a mile out of Hidden Creek, when a tractor-trailer had crossed the center line and hit the pickup almost head on. The pickup spun and caught underneath the trailer and had been dragged a short distance before the bigger truck could get stopped.
They gave no names, saying only that the condition of the patient who had been flown out was unknown at this time.
I waited another excruciating hour, then tried Hannah and Chase again. Still no answer.
That was it. Awkward or not, I was going to the hospital. I had to know how he was. And if there was the teeniest, tiniest chance it would mean something to him to know I was there, it would be worth any amount of discomfort.
***
I set my GPS and drove where it sent me, completely caught up in memories. There’d been so many good times packed into the two incredible weeks I’d had with Jude. I especially remembered being snugged up beside him in the back of Hannah’s car that last evening we’d been together. Knowing I loved him, seeing a future with him, and feeling happier than I’d ever been. Only to realize minutes later that he was Myla’s JP and she’d once felt exactly the same way.
I hadn’t had a single second of happiness since, but being devoid of happiness was nothing compared to the terror I felt now. What if I got to the hospital and he was already gone?
I shuddered, then told myself to stop thinking the worst. Maybe Jude wasn’t hurt that badly—maybe the helicopter had been more precaution than necessity. I tried to think positively, but by the time I got to the hospital thirty minutes later, my whole body felt stiff and sore from tension, and my jaw ached fiercely from clenching it so hard.
I went in the front entrance and up to the desk. When I told the greeter that the person I was looking for had been flown in, she told me to go to the Emergency Department waiting area. When I looked blank, the helpful lady gave me instructions on how to get there, and I tried my best to focus on what she was saying.
“Take a left just past the elevators over there, then take the second right and follow the signs.”
I had just made the right and was looking around desperately for a sign when I turned and saw Chase coming toward me. Chase and…. I stopped short and reached for the wall, needing something to hold onto because my legs were threatening to give out for the second time that day.
Jude. He was right there, half a step behind Chase. Twenty feet away and closing. Big and tall and beautiful—and completely unmarked.
How could that be? He’d just been flown in on a Life Flight helicopter.
They stopped a few feet away from me.
“What are you doing here, Ava?” Jude asked, eyes narrowed, lips unsmiling.
Relief like I’d never known overcame the shock then, and I lost it. I just lost it. I wanted to hold him and never let go, but I knew I couldn’t, so I whirled around and ran, vaguely aware that I almost collided with a couple who had walked up behind me. I didn’t even say excuse me, I just kept running. I needed to be alone. I was on extreme emotional overload and it had to come out.
I had no idea where I was going. I made random turns down random hallways, and when I saw a sign for a courtyard, I ran that direction, gratefully pushing through the doors out into a landscaped area with flagstone paths winding through it. I charged down the first path I came to, running until I found a quiet area with a bench under a huge shade tree.
Finally. I collapsed onto the bench, pressing a hand to my chest. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to take deep, even breaths. Ever so gradually, the terror of the last few hours started to fade, and my heart slowed its frantic pounding.
Jude was fine. He was perfectly fine. He’d stood right there in front of me, as strong and vital as ever. He obviously hadn’t been the one in the helicopter, and while I was sorry for whoever it was, I could in no way pretend I wasn’t profoundly grateful to know it was not Jude Keller.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I kept my eyes closed, another wave of relief coursing through me. It didn’t matter if Jude never spoke to me again. The important thing was that he was alive and well, and I was so very glad. The world was a better place with him in it, and that was a fact.
I drew my legs up and dropped my forehead to my knees, inhaling a long, cleansing breath and slowly letting it out. Now that I knew Jude was okay, I could go back home and not bother anyone. I’d take a little more time to get myself pulled together, then I’d leave.
After a few minutes, I felt calm enough to make a normal exit from the hospital—as opposed to careening through the halls knocking into people. I dropped my legs and started to get up, then froze when my gaze fell on Jude seated on the bench directly across from me, watching me with an unreadable expression.
I was awfully glad I hadn’t made it to my feet, because I would have most likely collapsed all over again. I wished I could appear as unaffected as he looked right now, but I couldn’t. My eyes roamed his face and body as I eagerly drank him in, in all his unharmed glory.
He was as beautiful to me as ever, and I loved him so much. Giving him up was going to be a long and painful process, but I would never, ever regret my short but amazing time with Jude Keller.
I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes when my gaze finally landed back there, but his mouth remained straight and firm. No hint of a smile.
“Why are you here, Ava?”
It was the second time he’d asked me that. My mouth was dry and I wished I already had the bottle of water I’d planned on buying for the way home.
“I thought—I heard some men talking at the restaurant after lunch. They said it was you in the helicopter.”
His brows drew together as I stumbled on. “They said it was the Keller who worked for Owens Construction, so I thought it was you. I tried to call Hannah and Chase, but they didn’t answer, and I just couldn’t wait anymore. I had to know how you were.” I pushed back my hair with trembling fingers. “I’m so glad they were wrong, Jude. I’ve never been so glad.”
“They weren’t wrong.”
I frowned at him, confused. “But you’re fine—”
“It was my brother. Jed. He works for Owens too.”
My mind started feeling all jumbled again. “But…..he’s in Central America building bridges. You told me that.”
“He got back last week.” His blue eyes glittered coolly. “For some reason—one that only you know—I haven’t had a chance to tell you that.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, devastated all over again by both his sharp words and the knowledge that it was his brother who was hurt. “Is he going to be okay?”
“We don’t know yet. He’s still unconscious. They’re running a bunch of tests.” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his eyes drilling into me. “I still can’t figure out why you’re here.” I started to speak again but he held up a hand. “I know—you thought it was me. But I’m still surprised you came. You’ve ignored me for two weeks. I thought that was a pretty good indication you’d moved past it. Past us.”
He fell silent, giving me a chance to respond. I kept quiet. I didn’t want to launch into an explanation here in the hospital courtyard.
After a moment, he went on. “I’ve been gearing myself up to hear you tell me it’s over. That’s what I expected to hear this afternoon. But I’m pretty sure the emotion I saw just now is real.” The acknowledgement didn’t soften his expression. “Which begs the question—if you still care, why have you been blowing me off?”
“Of course I still care,” I blurted out, feeling a little angry myself. Did he really think I could turn my feelings off so quickly? But then again, why would he think anything different? He knew nothing about what I’d been struggling with. All he knew is that I’d avoided him for two long weeks.
I huffed out a breath, wishing he hadn’t followed me out here. “It’s complicated, Jude. I don’t think this is a good time to get into it.”
He barked out a laugh, his expression openly bitter now. “Sure it is. I’ve got nothing to do but wait for test results. They won’t let me anywhere near Jed, so I might as well pass the time listening to you make excuses.”
His words cut deep, but I knew he was caught up in the moment. He was worried sick about his brother, and my showing up unexpectedly had opened another wound as well. He needed an outlet, and if that meant taking it out on me, I was okay with that. I deserved it.
But I wasn’t going to get into the Myla situation. Not here. Not now.
“Jude—” My attempt to soothe him was interrupted when I saw Chase hurrying down the path toward us.
“Jude, come on, man. JP woke up. The doctors want to talk to the family.”
Both men rushed off without another word and I sat there stunned, trying to comprehend what had just happened. What I’d just heard.
Chase’s words pounded like a sledge in my head, over and over.
JP woke up.
JP woke up.
JP woke up.
I mashed the heels of my hands into my eyes and groaned, the sound raw and painful, ending in a sob as it roiled up from the depths of my weary, ravaged heart.
I was an idiot. A foolish, cowardly idiot, and I was suddenly able to see everything with complete clarity. All my mistakes. My poor judgment. I’d jumped to conclusions due to my belief that things with Jude had gone too well, too quickly. I’d fallen in love so hard and so fast, and deep down I’d feared it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. And then it had. At least, I thought so.
I didn’t like this new clarity. I didn’t like acknowledging the fact that the last two agonizing weeks could have been completely avoided, if only I’d had the courage to ask one simple question. Hey, Jude, did you ever date Myla Garrett?
No, but my brother did.
I hung my head and closed my eyes, pressing a hand against the pain in my chest.
Oh yeah. I was most definitely an idiot.
And I’d ruined everything.