When I got home from the hospital, I curled up in my favorite chair and made myself face some hard truths.
I couldn’t possibly have handled things any worse or been any more selfish. It made me sick to my stomach to admit I’d been so caught up in my own despair that I hadn’t fully considered what I was doing to Jude.
Not until I’d looked into his eyes at the hospital and for the first time found ice instead of warmth.
The memory brought on a whole new wave of despair. I hated that he was angry, but I understood. I’d left him hanging for two weeks, with no explanation whatsoever. If the situation was reversed, I would’ve been a basket case. I’d have wondered what I did wrong, why he’d abruptly lost interest and cut me off without even telling me why. And, like him, I would’ve assumed we were over.
I curled up tighter in the chair and mentally kicked myself for being so, so stupid. All of this could have been avoided if only I’d asked Jude right away if he was Myla’s JP. I hadn’t done it because I thought I knew the answer. I didn’t want to hear him confirm it and thus and force me to break it off. I didn’t want to have to choose Myla over him.
Which circled right back to me feeling like a total fool. I’d treated a good man badly, and I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to speak to me again. And now, on top of my perceived rejection, he also had to deal with a severely injured brother.
My heart hurt for him. But he didn’t want my comfort.
I tried to remember everything he’d told me about the brother he’d always referred to as Jed, not JP. I knew Jed had worked at Owens Construction for a long time, but he’d taken a leave of absence a year and a half ago. Jude had told me his brother was going through some personal issues and needed to get away from it all.
Jed had decided to use his civil engineer training to do some good in the world while he got over whatever was eating at him. He’d joined a mission team who designed and built bridges over ravines in remote, flood-prone areas of Central America. Jude had shown me pictures of some of the finished bridges, proud of the difference his brother was making in the lives of the people in those regions.
Jude hadn’t said a word to me about Jed planning to come home, but maybe it had happened quickly and Jude hadn’t even known about it two weeks ago.
As the sky darkened outside, I sat up and rubbed my eyes, which seemed to be perpetually swollen from my crying bouts. I hated to think of Jude sitting in the hospital, worrying along with his family as they waited to find out more about Jed’s condition. I wondered what the doctors had told them after Jude had hurried out of the courtyard. Surely it was a good sign that Jed had woken up.
I turned on the TV, hoping for an update on the evening news. I’d been watching for ten minutes when I heard a knock on the back door.
Jude!
I flew out of my chair and ran to the kitchen, swinging the door wide without even looking out the window.
I deflated when I saw Hannah standing there, arms folded, looking ticked off.
“Hey, Ava. Mind if I come in for a bit?” she asked.
I stood aside. “Not at all.” I had a feeling I was going to get an earful, but that was okay. I’d all but asked for it.
“Chase tells me you showed up at the hospital,” she said as I closed the door.
“Yeah.” I pulled out a chair at the table and sat, motioning for her to do the same. “How’s Jed doing? Jude got called away before I could ask, and there hasn’t been anything on the news.”
She rattled off his injuries. “He has a severe concussion, three cracked ribs, a fractured pelvis, and his left leg is broken in two places. He’s going to be laid up for a while, obviously, but the doctors say he’ll make a full recovery.”
I released a shaky breath, relieved for Jude and his family. “I’m so glad.”
“We’re all really thankful, although I pity whoever has to try to keep JP from overdoing it.” Her lips quirked into a small smile, but it faded quickly. “I guess I’m just wondering why you went to the hospital. I mean, it has to be because of Jude, but I figured you were over the thing with him, otherwise why would you let him twist in the wind for weeks? Even after I told you how much you were hurting him, you still ignored him.”
Her brown eyes drilled into mine and she went on. “I didn’t see that coming, Ava. I honestly thought you were the perfect girl for him, and I’ve never, ever thought that about any of the girls he’s dated.”
I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat but I couldn’t. I had to get a glass of water before I could speak. I got a glass for Hannah too, but she didn’t touch it.
“I want to explain, Hannah. And by explain, I don’t mean make excuses. I handled everything badly, I realize that.” I took another sip of water, trying to hold back the tears that were all too close yet again. “I have to tell Jude first, though—or at least try. He might not even want to hear it, and I can’t blame him if that’s the case. But either way, after I talk to him, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”
She leaned forward, her eyes searching mine, more curious than hostile now. “Do you still care about him, Ava? At least tell me that.”
I nodded, wiping at a tear that got through my defenses. “In spite of how it seems, I never stopped caring. The weeks with Jude showed me what it feels like to find a person you can see forever with.” I bowed my head, aching with remorse. “I messed it up, but that doesn’t make what I feel for him any less real. It just makes me an idiot.”
“I knew it,” Hannah said, her tone less accusing. “I’ve been telling Chase all along that you’re in love with Jude, but he said there’s no way. He said you don’t hurt people you love the way you hurt Jude. But of course he’s super angry about seeing his best friend suffering, so he’s not exactly giving you the benefit of the doubt.”
I let out a humorless laugh, the irony so glaring I wished I could share it with Hannah. I knew all about suffering best friends. In fact, if there was any silver lining to this, it was that I wouldn’t have to tell Myla I was in love with her ex.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I get that. I definitely get that.”
Hannah waited, as if she sensed there was more to that statement, but she didn’t push it when I remained silent.
“Okay, well, I guess I’ve said what I came to say.” She stood and gave me an apologetic look. “It’s hard to stay mad at you when I can see this has been as hard on you as it’s been on Jude. But seriously, Ava, if you love him, and I really believe you do, talk to him. Even if he says he doesn’t want to hear it, you need to find a way. He won’t be able to move on until he gets an explanation.”
“I don’t want him to move on,” I blurted out, swiping at another tear. “I don’t want him to move past me.”
Hannah looked surprised by my declaration and a little uncertain as to what she should say.
I shook my head. “But I’m prepared for it,” I went on, “and yes, I promise I’ll talk to him, one way or another. I owe that to him, no matter how hard it is.”
“And will you be patient while he works through whatever it is you have to tell him?” she asked. “Because I know him well enough to know it might take some time. His guard is way up at this point. He’ll probably push you away, but maybe in time he’ll reconsider.” Her expression was sympathetic. “Love can hurt like the dickens, but it can be pretty great, too. Maybe he’ll remember how happy he was with you and give it another chance.”
Or maybe he’d realize he’d had a narrow escape from a girl who wasn’t the person he thought she was.
“Being patient is the least I can do,” I told her sadly, “but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I don’t think he’ll see things my way. Even I’m questioning why I handled things the way I did, but I can’t change it now. All I can do is own up to it.”
“I’ll be praying for you both,” Hannah said earnestly. “Thanks for letting me come in, and I’m sorry I was so harsh. It’s just that I love Jude like a brother, and family is everything, you know?”
I nodded. “I understand. Will you let me know how JP is doing? Just a quick text now and then?”
She promised she would, then let herself out.
I sat at the table for a long time, staring at nothing, wishing for a do-over. Wishing I hadn’t let a man like Jude Keller slip through my fingers.