“Who’s got your balls in a vise-grip?” Matt asks.

I glower at him. “Want to say that a little louder?”

He laughs and glances around the small, dimly-lit bar. Nobody has heard him. Or, if they did, they don’t care. The turn-out at our usual spot is small, just like it always is. Few customers pass over Eclipse’s threshold each night, thanks to their strict entry policy. I like it that way.

I may be a bit of a tech nerd, but in San Bravado, that means something. Hardly a day goes by where someone doesn’t recognize me. Being able to come to at least one bar and kick back with nothing more than a few curious glances soothes me. Eclipse’s patrons are either too rich to care about who I am, or they know they’d be kicked out if they started a scene.

“You’ve been scowling into your drink since you got here,” Matt explains. “Want to tell me what’s up? Did your meeting not go well?”

“It was fine.” I don’t feel like explaining further. The last-minute meeting was not what I needed today, but I was able to get Dana, one of my assistants, to take Mia home.

Like me, Matt also finds reprieve in this tiny bar. He may not be well-known, but he has a lot of Daddy’s money to blow, and he’s occasionally running from people who want nothing more than to milk him dry.

I sigh and swirl the whiskey around my tumbler. “Kay quit this morning.”

“No surprise there.”

I purse my lips. “Well, I’ve already replaced her, and this one isn’t going to cause any trouble.”

Matt guffaws, his eyes getting wide. “You think the girls are the problem? Maybe you should try not seducing them.”

That makes me bristle. “It’s hard. I don’t have time to date.”

“You’re sitting here with me, having a night cap. If I were a chick, this would be a date. So don’t tell me you don’t have time. Maybe you’re just afraid.”

I fucking hate how right he is.

Luckily, Matt’s not heartless. He knows where to stop.

“So, what about this new nanny?” he goes on. “What’s different about her?”

“She’s a lesbian,” I simply say, unable to stop my grin. “According to the agency, she has a partner at home. There’s no way anything will happen between us.”

“Oh, God,” Matt groans. “This nanny agency actually has their employees’ sexual preferences on the books? You realize how fucked up that is, right?”

“Extraordinarily.” I take a sip of whiskey, enjoying its smooth burn. “But that’s not my problem. I asked if they could provide a gay nanny, and they stepped up to the plate.”

Matt looks uncomfortable, but he shrugs. “All right. So, you hired a butch lesbian that you’ll never be able to get a boner around. I guess that’s one way to plan for success.”

The thought of Jayne makes my blood heat up. She’s anything but butch. In fact, Jayne is the type I didn’t even know I had. With that wavy, red hair, big, blue eyes, tight body, and legs for days…well, I’ve been thinking of her since she left my office four hours ago.

“She’s not butch,” I say, staring at the liquor shelves. “She’s super-hot.”

Matt groans. “Of course she is. All of your nannies are.”

“I don’t pick them that way. That’s how the agency sends them.”

Matt snickers. “Okay. Fine.”

“She’s…” I exhale and look into my drink. I’m only halfway done, but I need to get home. If traffic isn’t too bad, I should be able to make it in time to wish Mia goodnight.

“Never mind,” I say, standing and clapping Matt on the shoulder. “Have a good night, man.”

“You, too. Don’t rub too much skin off tonight.”

In retaliation, I give him a hard pinch on the shoulder as I pass him by.

Traffic is smooth, which means slipping into daydreams about Jayne is way too easy. By the time I pull into the garage, the hard-on I feared is throbbing in my pants.

“Great,” I mutter. “Think sad thoughts. Sad thoughts.”

Seeing Dana helps—she’s nearing sixty, and it definitely shows. I thank her and slip upstairs, all thoughts of Jayne now discarded.

Mia’s nightlight shines through her cracked door. I gently push it open, in case she’s asleep. The second she hears me, though, she rolls over and sits up, the stuffed bunny she’s had since she was a baby in her arms.

“Daddy?”

“Hey,” I say quietly. “You’re not asleep? Didn’t Dana read you your stories?”

“Uh-huh. Four.”

“Four? Wow. That’s a lot.”

I take a seat on the edge of her bed and smooth her hair. It has every color of blond in it, from the platinum streaks in the front to the caramel ones in the back. There’s a frown pulling on her lips, and she’s nibbling on the bottom one in that way that shows she’s worried.

“Why isn’t Kay coming back?”

My heart constricts. “I told you, honey. Kay wasn’t going to be a nanny forever. She has other plans.”

“But she didn’t say goodbye to me.”

The pain in my chest increases, and I know it’s my own damn fault. I should have learned from the girl before Kay. Or the one before her. Don’t fuck the nanny. It’s never going to end well.

“It’s not because she didn’t want to say goodbye,” I insist. “She just got a call about a job that she couldn’t turn down. Sometimes adults have to go to jobs right away, and there just isn’t time to say goodbye.”

An idea hits me, and maybe it’s wrong, but I don’t care. I can’t stand seeing Mia in pain.

“You know what I just remembered?” I ask, pretending to get excited.

Her eyes light up and she squeezes her stuffed bunny tighter. “What?”

“Kay sent you an email.”

“She did?” Mia gasps in surprise and anticipation.

“Yeah. Should I read it to you?”

“Uh-huh!” She bounces in bed, and I pretend to read from my phone.

“Dear Mia, I am sorry that I had to go without saying goodbye. It’s not what I wanted to do at all, and I already miss you very much. I heard you are getting a new nanny and that your dad might take you to the arcade this weekend.”

“What?” Mia interrupts.

I wink. “How about that?”

“Are you taking me to the arcade?”

“Yep. Me and you, kid. And maybe the new nanny, too.”

“I want it to be just me and you. You work too much.”

Ouch. As if I don’t already doubt myself enough when it comes to parenting.

“Is there more?” she asks.

“Lay down, and I’ll read the rest to you.”

She scoots under the blanket, and I pull it up to her chin.

“Let’s see…it says, be a good girl and take good care of your dolls. Love, Kay.”

My throat burns as I put my phone away. My daughter is only six, but I still can’t look at her. Lying to get ahead in business is one thing. Lying to your kid because you fucked the nanny and messed everything up?

Not good. Or easy to do.

“She sounds happy,” Mia murmurs. She blinks heavily, which shows how tired she really is.

“She does,” I agree, rubbing my thumb against her chubby cheek.

“Daddy?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Is a nanny the same thing as a mommy?”

“Um, no. Why do you ask?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I just…I want a mommy. A second mommy. Kaitlyn and Rosie have them.”

I have to force myself to not sigh.

Truth is, I want a mother for her as well. I just haven’t done a very good job of finding her one. Not only is there not much time to date, but the women I do meet are never right for me.

Which is why I end up sinking my teeth into whatever is in front of me. But I never saw Kay in the long-term way. I never see any women that way, truthfully.

I’m still thinking of how to reply to Mia when she rolls over and looks at the picture frame on her bedside. “Goodnight, Mama.”

It’s like there’s a vise-grip on my throat. I don’t want to look at the picture of Hayden, but I can’t seem to stop my eyes.

Mia looks so much like her…so damn much.

The picture sitting on the little bedside table is one I took at the beach when Mia was about eight months old. It was her first trip to the shore, and in the shot, she’s sitting in Hayden’s arms, laughing. Her mom smiles as well, looking just as beautiful as she did in the pages of any magazine.

Looking at the beauty in that picture, you’d never be able to guess at all the darkness lying behind the scenes.

“Maybe you’ll have a second mommy one day,” I quietly say.

Mia doesn’t answer.

I touch her shoulder and find it slowly moving up and down. She’s fast asleep, the stuffed bunny in her arms. Her lips part slightly, and when I hold my own breath, I hear her exhales filling the room.

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” I whisper, tucking the blankets around her sides before tiptoeing out.