I'm the first to wake up. It's odd to open my eyes to a quiet room, and at first, I'm confused. As I blink and roll over, images of the previous day come back to me.

Mia must be still sleeping on account of exhaustion.

Apparently, it's the same for Jayne.

She’s lying on her side next to me, hands tucked against her chest, which is slowly rising and falling with each breath. A lock of hair has fallen across her cheek, and I gingerly push it back, being careful not to wake her. Memories from last night wash over me. Jayne's taste. Her touch. The way her body melded to mine.

I can almost be convinced we were made for each other.

But do I really believe in that stuff?

I don't know. I've never given the subject much thought. I loved Mia's mother, but we ended up together more out of practicality than undying devotion.

Sitting up against the headboard, I look out the window. Last night's snowfall has stopped, and bright light pushes its way through the curtains. It's going to be another amazing day on the slopes.

I smile, thinking about how much fun the three of us had out there. Likely, today will possess the same tone.

And then what?

The thought barrels into me out of nowhere.

What comes next?

The three of us will return home, and everything will carry on as usual. Mia will go to school and me to work. Jayne will…

Jayne.

She grabs my attention again. I know that as much as I might not want to admit it, things changed last night. Our relationship went to another level.

At the same time that I'm flying from the emotions of it, there's a sickening feeling in my gut. I want to find something long term, and I want Mia to have a mom. But that's always been a "someday" thing. Something I figured would happen when I made time for it. These flings I've had with the nannies—and other women for that matter—are supposed to be casual fun.

Whatever is happening between me and Jayne, it's unprecedented…and it's happening really, really fast.

Noise comes from in the main area, and I get out of bed and snatch one of the robes hanging on the back of the door. Hearing Mia has me thinking of the main reason I shouldn't rush into anything serious; my little girl is already growing close to Jayne. If we start officially dating, what kind of message will that send?

What if I'm misreading what's happening, and that connection isn't really there at all? If I let Mia see Jayne as my girlfriend and then we break up, she'll be crushed. It'll be twice as bad as all the times the previous nannies left.

When Jayne started with us, I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt Mia again. I have to stay true to that.

Going out into the living room, I find Mia with her nose pressed against the window. She turns at the sound of me, eyes wide.

"Daddy! I want to go snowboarding!"

"We will," I promise her.

"Now?"

"Soon. You need to have breakfast first."

"Aw."

"Don't," I chide. With the worries running through my head, I'm more on edge than usual. “It’s not up for discussion.”

“Okay,” she mutters, looking at her feet as she goes to sit on the couch.

My chest tightens at the sight. It’s the day before Christmas Eve; it’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year.

“Hey.” I crouch down next to her so we can be eye to eye. “How about room service? Would that be fun? We can have breakfast sent up, and you can eat in your pajamas.”

Mia’s eyes light up. “Do they have pancakes?”

“I’m sure they do.”

“Chocolate chip ones? With whipped cream?”

“Let’s find out.” I grab the room service menu off the table and hand it to her. She probably can’t read every word on it, but I’m pretty sure she knows pancakes when she sees them.

A door creaks behind me, and I glance over to see Jayne. She must have woken up right after me, because she’s already dressed in jeans and a tight shirt. A lump forms in my throat at the sight of her, and I quickly make myself look away.

“Good morning,” she says.

“We’re getting room service!” Mia says excitedly. She doesn’t even look up from the menu, which is good. I don’t want her wondering why Jayne and I have come out of the same bedroom.

“Sounds nice,” Jayne comments, taking a seat next to Mia.

“And then we’re snowboarding.”

“Ouch.” Jayne makes a face. “I’m still sore from yesterday…” Her eyes catch mine, and I see the hidden message there. Just like that, my desire is firing on all cylinders.

I turn to the window, needing to break the eye contact. “Looks like a good day for it.”

Mia giggles. “Jayne, you just have to snowboard more, and then one day you won’t be so sore.”

“I’m pretty sure falling on my butt will always make me sore.”

Mia laughs harder. “I want pancakes. What do you want?”

“Hmm. Let me think…fruit, probably. And some eggs.”

“That’s too healthy!”

“Oh, is that a crime?”

Mia squeals in that way that lets me know she’s being tickled. I stay standing at the window, looking down at the town. My pulse is roaring in my ears, and it feels like the walls are steadily closing in.

“Benjamin?” Jayne asks. “Should we order you something?”

I clear my throat and turn around. “I’m fine.”

“Nothing?”

Mia’s already grabbing the hotel phone. She randomly pushes a button, and Jayne takes it from her without even looking. God, she’s so good at this nanny thing. She’s so good at everything.

Jayne’s brows push together, and she frowns the slightest bit. Her hair is up in a messy bun, and she’s sexy without even trying to be.

What would happen if I just gave in now? If I threw all caution to the wind and said, “Fuck it, let’s do this”?

A pain pierces my temple, and I close my eyes as I press my fingertips to it.

“Benjamin?” Jayne asks, sounding worried.

I force my eyes open. “You know, I think I’m going to go for a walk.”

Mia clambers onto the couch, where she sits on her knees. “I wanna go!”

“No, honey,” I answer quickly. “You stay here with Jayne.”

Simultaneous hurt crosses both of their faces. I could kick myself for being such an ass.

“You need to have breakfast,” I quickly say, trying to make it seem like that’s the reason I don’t want them to come with. “You both need to eat. I’ll be back later, and then we can all go snowboarding together.”

“Okay.”

Mia is moving on already, pulling out a book from under the coffee table and looking at it with interest. Jayne is still staring at me. You okay? she silently mouths.

I smile and nod. “I’ll be back in a while. I just need to, ah, get some fresh air.”

There’s still concern etched into her features, but I can’t let myself worry about that. Not now.

“Order breakfast, and I’ll see you both soon,” I tell them, pulling on my coat and pocketing my phone and wallet.

I don’t give Jayne a chance to say anything else. I’m out of the door and in the elevator in a heartbeat.

There are two options once I’m outside: the trails through the woods next to the resort, or the flat sidewalks in town.

I go for the latter, not that my surroundings matter much. I’m completely in my head, needing to figure this whole situation out before I return to the lodge.

Hands shoved into my pockets, I walk around downtown. Everywhere I look, there seem to be happy families. No one is here alone. They all have wives and kids.

I study the strangers when they’re not looking, trying to gauge how happy they are. They’ve settled down. Is it worth it? Do they ever expect or hope for more?

When I got with Mia’s mom, I didn’t have the kind of foresight I do now. I wasn’t thinking ten, twenty, or thirty years ahead. The concept of tying myself down to someone, even though that’s kind of what I was doing, didn’t exist in my head.

But now, I’m excruciatingly aware of it.

If I decide to do this with Jayne—if I go for it and make her mine for real—what will that mean? For all of us?

Getting a cup of to-go coffee from a bakery, I sit down on a bench that’s been cleared of snow and stare at the cup. It’s hard to say how long I’ve been walking around for, but my fingers are starting to get cold.

My phone vibrates in my coat pocket, and I quickly pull it out.

Matt.

I haven’t heard from him in days. I’ve been so caught up with Jayne that it’s like nothing else exists. I go to work and then I go to her. The idea of catching up with friends hasn’t even crossed my mind.

“Hi,” I answer.

“Ho, ho, ho,” Matt booms out. “Merry Christmas.”

Despite my bad mood, that gets a guffaw. “It’s only the twenty-third.”

“Damn, Scrooge.”

“Sorry.”

I lean back against the bench and look across the street, where a family of four are leaving a pet store with a puppy and a giant bag of dog food in tow. It’s the most heart-wrenching sight yet.

“How are you?” I ask, starting over.

“Good. Drunk.”

“Already?” I laugh.

“Let me correct that. Tipsy. Tomorrow, I will be drunk. So, how is Aspen? How’s Mia?”

“She’s great. She’s with Jayne at the lodge.”

“Ah. That’s right. How’s it going with…” He trails off there.

Glancing around myself, I switch my phone to the other ear. I’ve already told Matt that Jayne is actually straight, and single, but that’s all I told him. Until now. I need to get this shit off my chest.

“I slept with her.”

“Am I supposed to be surprised?”

“More than once. A lot, actually.”

“Again, I’m not in shock.”

I sigh and purse my lips. “There’s more, man. I think, um. Well, it’s different this time. Jayne, she…she’s great with Mia, and she’s great with me.”

“She nannies you as well?”

“No, Matt. She, uh…we…”

“Oh, shit,” he breathes. “You’re falling for her, aren’t you.”

“Yeah,” I croak out. I can’t decide if hearing it stated out loud terrifies or exhilarates me.

Matt whistles. “This is quite the turn of events.”

My cheeks puff as I exhale. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, I’m confused. Why is falling for a girl a problem? Especially a hot one who’s good with Mia?”

“Because I didn’t expect it,” I stress. “Not this soon. It’s….it’s…”

“Blindsided you?”

“Yeah.”

“How does that make it any less good?”

I think about that while I take a sip of my coffee, which is already lukewarm. My stomach heaves against the intrusion, and I set the cup down on the bench next to me. Apparently, I’m too worked up to ingest anything right now.

“What if things don’t work out?” I ask. “What if Mia gets really attached to Jayne, and then we break up?”

“What if she stays on as just your nanny, and then she quits at some point? Won’t Mia be upset then?”

I chew that over. “I was kind of hoping to avoid that again.”

Matt guffaws. “That’s life, my man. Things change.”

“I know, I know.” I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’ve messed things up with so many other women. I don’t want to send another one running away from Mia.”

“Is this just about Mia?” Matt quietly asks. “Or is it about you, too?”

The question shocks me. “Huh?”

“When were you last in love?”

“Um…” My face burns as I think about it.

Maybe never.

There’s some raucous laughing on Matt’s end, and he says something to someone in the background.

“Hey, Ben, I gotta run. We’re decorating the tree, and Nana Bev has had too much eggnog. She’s knocked the angel over, and there’s glass everywhere.”

“Sounds about right, from what I’ve heard about her.”

“Right?” Matt snickers. “Look, though, we can talk about this later, all right?”

“Yeah, man. I’m good, though.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Clearly, he doesn’t believe me. “Merry Christmas, bro.”

“You, too.”

We hang up, and my gaze drifts back across the street. Was Matt about to suggest that I’m afraid of being in love?

It’s a big theory, and one that I’m having trouble getting my head around. But…maybe it’s true. After Hayden, I did promise myself that I wouldn’t let Mia—and myself—get hurt again.

And yet, that’s just what’s been happening. I’ve been parading nannies in front of Mia, letting her get attached just in time for the women to flee.

I haven’t been true to my word at all.

The more I think about it, the more my stomach aches. Jayne is an amazing woman. Clearly, we have a connection.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?