The rest of the week came and went, Friday arriving and no word from Junior. Sam was anxious and scared simultaneously, but knew she had to call and talk to him. Plus she was genuinely concerned and wanted to see if he really was feeling sick. Not calling sooner made her feel guilty for being a bad friend.
When she got home from school Friday afternoon she sent him a text asking if he was okay.
Sam: Junior—are you okay?
Junior: I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
He replied saying he was better and thanked her for asking. Nothing more from him and she wasn’t sure if that meant anything or not.
Sam took her shower and dressed in pajamas with no intention of going out. She made a sandwich and ate it in silence, continuing to think about Junior. Only seconds after she decided to give him a call there was a knock on the door. She jumped from the surprise of it. She didn’t know who it could be and thought about putting her robe on, but realized there was nothing wrong with how she was dressed.
“Who is it?” she asked through the door.
“It’s Junior.”
“Oh,” she responded, surprised. Especially at the perfect timing.
Nervously, she pasted a smile on her face as she opened the door. When she saw him standing there she felt more emotions than she thought she should be feeling. He looked good. Too good.
“Hi, come in. I wasn’t expecting you to come over tonight.”
“Sorry about not calling first. Did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked.
“No, it’s okay.”
Sam noticed Junior walked in with a slight slump of his shoulders. She wasn’t the only one with something on their mind.
“Would you like something to drink or eat?” she asked him. “I just got finished eating a sandwich, but I can make you one if you like.”
He sat at the table, appearing troubled and her heart went out to him. She had the feeling this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.
“A cup of coffee would be nice if you have some already made.”
“I don’t, but that sounds good to me, too. I’ll make a small pot,” she told him and walked into the kitchen.
It only took a few minutes to start it and the entire time she went through her mind trying to think of a way to talk to him. She wasn’t one hundred percent positive what was on his mind was what she thought it was, but she was confident about it. She didn’t know for sure what to say. Confusion and fear wracked her brain and she dreaded the talk between them. She shouldn’t let anything between them happen and she knew she would have to tell him, but could she? When she walked back and sat at the table his expression hadn’t changed.
“It will be ready in a few minutes,” she told him.
“Thank you.”
Taking a deep breath, she dived right in because she thought she knew what was coming.
“Are you okay? You look either very tired or very worried about something.”
He sat with his hands clasped and stared at them. At first, he didn’t respond, but after a long few seconds he looked at her and told her what had been on his mind.
“There’s something important I want to talk to you about, but I’m not sure what the best way of going about it is.”
“Just spit it out. Whatever it is, it’s me you are talking to. It will be okay.” She thought she already knew and she leaned onto the table patiently. The coffee pot began gurgling in the background and he glanced in that direction.
“Let’s get our coffee first, if it’s okay.”
“Sure.” They both walked into the kitchen and poured themselves a cup. When they were sitting again Junior started talking.
“Sam, I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. It’s gotten to the point where it’s driving me crazy inside and I know I have to tell you. I’ve been telling myself that I shouldn’t. I’ve been telling myself that it’s wrong and that it’s not wrong. I have to admit first though that I’m scared of what you will say or think about it.”
Maybe it isn’t what she thought it was. She softly rested her hand on his forearm.
“You can talk to me. You know that. I’m here for you.”
Junior nodded and pressed his lips together. With a burrowed brow he said, “Sam, I’ve been attracted to you for a very long time. I know it’s bad and I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t want to hurt our friendship.”
Her heart felt like it sunk then rose back up into her chest threatening to burst out of it at the same time. Her fingers tightened on his arm and she did her best to smile. What was she going to say?
“Junior…I, I don’t know what to say,” she stated with caution.
“I know. I feel guilty like I’ve done something wrong, even though I know I haven’t. Does that make sense at all?”
“How long have you felt this way?”
He smiled slightly and without looking at her he answered softly. “Ever since I first met you.”
She felt her feelings beginning to smooth out. Part of her felt sorry for him and wanted to hug him, but that would probably give the wrong message. She leaned back and looked at him as he continued to stare at his hands.
“I’m assuming Chris never knew about your feelings for me.”
Shaking his head, Junior said, “No, at least I don’t think so. I never told him, of course. I loved Chris like a brother and I knew how he felt about you. I would have never intruded that way. Besides, I cared and still do too much to have tried anything towards you. I had more respect for you than that.”
“I appreciate that and I understand why it would be so difficult for you and why you needed to talk to me about it. Honestly, I suspected that was what was going on, especially since you canceled our dinner last Saturday and I haven’t heard from you since.”
Her brain told her to tell him how she was feeling, but her heart kept her from being honest. She didn’t have the right words, and she didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry about that. I was too uncomfortable. I knew I needed to talk to you but I didn’t know what else to say.”
“It’s okay, no worries.”
He looked at her and she thought he might cry. His eyes had grown red and his cheeks appeared heated.
“Will this affect our friendship? In a negative way, I mean.”
Again, Sam thought before speaking. She had to ask herself the same question. In her heart, she truly cared about the man who admitted his feelings for her. He had always been a true friend and she didn’t have many of those in her life. She didn’t want to lose him. She smiled at him and assured him things were fine between them.
“You have nothing to worry about, Junior. I need you in my life. You’ve been too good a friend to ever want to lose.”
“Thank you. You don’t know how scared I was tonight coming over here. I thought you would turn from me. I almost couldn’t do it, but I knew eventually I would have no choice or I would go crazy thinking about it.”
“I’m not going to turn from you. It would take a lot more than this to ever make that happen.”
They stood and embraced and she held him for a long time. Her thoughts were going crazy and swirling around in her head as she breathed in his cologne and felt him against her. She knew she wasn’t ready for anything more than friendship from him even if he did mean a lot to her. She knew he was a great looking man and a guy with a sensitive soul but friendship, for a while at least, was all she could give him. It would be wrong for her to make him think otherwise.
They said goodnight and agreed to talk again in a few days. She said maybe one evening next week they could have dinner, and Junior said it was his turn to cook. Sam liked that idea, agreed with him, and said they would make plans. As she closed the door part of her felt like she was closing a chapter in a book. She hoped not.
***
That night she lay in bed and thought about their conversation. She thought about Chris and what he would think. She tried to believe he was in a better place and was watching her from above. Would Chris approve if anything actually did evolve between her and Junior? A seed had been planted in her heart and she was aware of it. She rolled onto her side and cried. For the first time in months she was afraid again. Not of being alone or being uncertain of her future. She was afraid she would never be able to love again.
Marion sat beside her, unseen. She smiled down at Sam as she slept. Love was in God’s plan for her and Marion could see it, but would Sam be able to accept it? Marion hoped she would. She knew Sam would need help and it might take a long time, but she needed to be loved and she needed to let go of her heart again. She knew Sam was stubborn. She knew she couldn’t take the pain of being hurt again, so she prayed and she prayed hard for something to happen that would change her mind.