Chapter Six

Kevin

I was wrong, it took the Corps twelve days to process me out. Wham bam thank you ma’am. And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Luckily a buddy had received orders to embassy guard duty in Uruguay. So I’d bought his truck. A maroon step side, automatic, my knee wouldn’t hold up using a clutch all day. Then I hit the exchange for a ton of camping stuff and took off without looking back.

After leaving the base, I pulled to a stop at the first intersection. Left or right? I wondered. Which way might provide me the answers I needed. Literally, one of life’s turning points.

The guy behind me honked, reminding me that there were regular people in this world and they had lives to worry about. Things to do and places to go. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave him a quick wave of apology and turned left. For no more reason than that my hand on the wheel were lined up for it. What would have happened if I had used my other hand to wave, leading me to turn right?

I have often wondered if our lives are made up of small decision like that. Small random moments. Things that change everything. Things that we are never aware of at the time but that end up having monumental importance.

Regardless, five days later I found myself sitting on an Oregon beach watching the sun go down, asking myself for the thousandth time. What next? Where are the answers I was searching for. Even more important, what was the question? That was my real problem. I didn’t even know what questions to ask. Let alone answer.

Sighing, I shook my head. Don’t push it, I told myself. Just let it come.

Watching the waves pound into the shore I sighed heavily as the sun slowly turn a burnt orange as is slipped towards the horizon. I smiled to myself when I thought about how much Mattie would have enjoyed this. She’d have soaked it all up. She was so good at simply being. Simply accepting what life had to offer.

That was part of the problem I realized. Mattie was constantly in my thoughts. A song would come on the radio and I’d think of her. In Astoria, I’d seen a girl with long brown hair and my heart had jumped. At night I’d toss and turn in my sleeping bag with memories of our nights together.

“Well, at least your not dreaming about the Corps,” I said to myself with a laugh.

Shaking my head at the fact that I was now talking to myself. I watched the sun go down and waited there until the first star appeared.

“Nope, this isn’t working,,” I said as I got up and started gathering my stuff. I didn’t know why, but I knew I wouldn’t find any answers there on that beach.

Two days later I was in the high Mojave desert just outside of Kingman Arizona. I’d pulled into a gas station to fill up and restock. A hawk in the distance called out, reminding me of a day in Afghanistan when Jonesy had tripped over a rock and spilled his pack. He’d made that exact sound. For some reason we’d all busted out laughing. It could have been any one of us. But it was Jonesy, and for some reason that made it funnier.

Putting the handle back on the gas pump, I paused for a moment and looked around, a cold shudder ran across my shoulders. Nope, the desert too much like places I didn’t want to think about. Turning to get back into the truck, I caught a flash of blue set off to the side. A postal mail box.

My stomach relaxed as I reached into the truck and grabbed a letter to Mattie I’d written the night before. Nothing important. But I’d promised to write. Just words about me traveling the back roads.

“You a Marine?” A voice asked. I turned to see a beefy, older guy straddling a beautiful Harley Davidson motorcycle. His salt and pepper beard was broken by a welcoming smile.

“Just got out,” I said as I headed for the mail box.

He nodded. “Did my time,” he said with a somber look to his eyes as he glanced at my cane. Then he threw me a quick smile. “Remember. Once a Marine, always a Marine. You might have left it. But it will never leave you.”

I nodded, unwilling to get into a deep conversation about the meaning of what it all meant. I just wanted to drop off the letter and get back on the road.

Once I left the pump. I headed north. I didn’t know where, but it had to be somewhere not desert. That’s how I found myself three days later sitting next to a Rocky Mountain lake watching an eagle in a distant tree.

“This is more like it,” I whispered to myself, afraid of disturbing the big bird. Green, tall trees, life. Leaning back against a log, I tossed another stick onto the fire and moved the coffee pot to keep it warm without burning.

This was it, I thought. I’m not leaving this place until I figure it out.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and took in the smell of the campfire mixed with pine and cedar. I listened to the wind rush through the trees and for the first time I felt something new. Something deep inside of me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

“I’m bored,” I said with a sudden shock. “This is what boredom feels like.” Laughing at myself, I shook my head and thought that I might like being bored. It had some good qualities to it.

Of course, the problem with being bored is that the newness wears off rather quickly. Stand around holding a fishing rod all day without catching anything and a guy can get to feeling useless. Sitting around a campfire, feeding it sticks was fun at first, But after a while, it became pointless. I was just turning wood into ash.

I should be doing something. Accomplishing something, I realized. Life wasn’t meant to be lived just for the experiences. Finding the new and different. Life was meant for accomplishing things. This sitting around soaking up nature was all great and stuff. But what did it mean? Really. When you get down to it. I could die up here and no one would really care.

And if I did, So what?

The words of the biker from the gas station jumped into my head. I could leave it, but it would never leave me. This was who I was now. I had seen more than most men twice my age. I’d tested myself and been willing to accept the results.

What did I want out of life? What did I want to look back on at the end and be proud of?

At least now I knew the question to ask. Now it was a matter of discovering the answer.

The next day I hiked the back trails, but I didn’t really see my surroundings. I was lost inside my racing brain as I tried to figure out my future.

I laid there that night, under the stars, staring up, my hands cupped behind my head and imagined what I would miss the most if it didn’t happen. What would be my biggest regret?

Slowly at first, a picture began to build inside of me. Then quicker over time I began to realize what I wanted in life. What I needed to do before I kicked the bucket and moved on. What I needed to leave behind me.,

A smile spread over my face as a plan began to come together.

.o0o.

Mattie

Two months, and one letter! My jaw clenched just thinking about it.

Each day, the first thing I did when I got home was check the mail. But nothing since Kingman Arizona. The boy was killing me. A short note about wandering along the beach and then nothing.

Had I lost him again? What if he was laying in some ditch somewhere, or maybe he had met someone? The thought squeezed my heart into a thumping mess. The least he could do was tell me so that I could begin to think about moving on.

I could just imagine it. Some other woman getting my Kevin. Some other woman feeling those arms around her, seeing his smile every morning. It was enough to make me want to scream.

Friends, I reminded myself. We were nothing more than friends.

“I picked up your cap and gown,” Case said as she came out of her room, “I hung it in your closet.”

“Thank you,” I said as my heart melted when I looked at her. Everything was ending. Three more days and it was all over. We’d go our separate ways. Lead our separate lives. The thought made me want to cry.

Casey saw the pain in my eyes and smiled sadly. “I know, it sucks.”

“Hey,” I said as I glanced at all the boxes in the apartment, “For a woman who is graduating college in two days. Getting married in ten and moving into a new apartment with her new husband. You seem very calm.”

She laughed. “That’s because I’m numb. None of it seems real. Austin though. He’s going out of his mind. He’s so positive that something is going to happen and snatch it all away at the last minute.

All I could do was smile softly and nod. As maid of honor, It was my job to make sure her day was special. And It would be. Casey and Austin deserved it more than anyone I knew.

The next two weeks were a blur. Grandfather arriving, staying at Scott’s. The graduation. The bachelorette party, the wedding. Shipping off my stuff. Everything hectic and hurried. But behind it all. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about Kevin.

Where was he? What was he doing? Would I ever see him again.

I had been so lucky to see him again, so lucky to finally put the beginning of closure on the us we used to be. But it had opened up a hole inside of me. A hole that I was worried would never be filled again.

As the plane descended into Omaha, I looked down on the flat green fields of endless corn, broken by the occasional farm house. Home, I thought. Were I belonged.

Grandfather met me in the terminal and my heart melted. Still the same man. A little stooped, gnarled hands. But still the man who had raised me.

It had only been a couple of weeks. But this was different. This was home.

Sinking into his embrace, I held on for an extra second, soaking it up.

“Come on,” he said as he led me towards the baggage claim. “I still can’t believe you came back to this place. I though once you got out you’d never look back.”

I hugged him, “You can take the girl off the farm, but you can’t take the farm out of the girl.”

“I don’t know that you’ll be doing much farming. You’ll get an accounting job in Brady, no problem.”

I hoped he was right. I’d already received some interest in my resume. It seemed young people with accounting degrees were few and far between around here. Most of them left and never came back.

As he lifted my suitcase into the back of his truck, he paused for a moment and looked at me. A sad smile crossed his face as he said, “Your grandmother would be so proud of you. Your Mom and Dad too.”

I stopped as a warm feeling washed through me. He’s right, I thought. They would be. Shooting him a quick smile, I jumped into the truck, ready to start my new life.

The trip home was like a trip back through my memory banks. The endless fields. The dry wind with a taste of dust to it. The Carrs’ John Deere dealership on the corner. Joe’s Pizza Parlor. The high school. Nothing had changed. Nothing but me. I wasn’t the same girl, I realized.

Everything was the same, as if I’d left it the day before. Yet, something was missing. Some part that kept everything from working the way it was supposed to.

No Kevin, I realized. That was what was missing. Home didn’t seem right without Kevin there.

Sighing to myself I pushed the thought away. At some point I was going to have to move on or I’d end up a crazy cat woman living all alone on the Nebraska prairie. But not yet, I thought. I’d move on in the future. But not yet, the pain was still too close, too tender.

As we turned onto our farm road, We began to pass between the tall green corn stalks. Grandfather would be harvesting in a couple of months. I smiled to myself, looking forward to helping him. He’d tried to hide it, but I’d noticed that his arthritis was getting worse.

Grandfather glanced at me and smiled. Not a large smile. Grandfather was too reserved to break out a big smile. But I could tell he was pleased that I was there.

As he parked the truck just outside the house, Shep, our border collie barked happily and raced from the barn, sliding to a halt in front of me, his tail spinning a mile a minute.

Reaching down I pulled him into a hug, burying my face in his fur. Home, I was home, The house, the barns, Shep. I was back. Yet I couldn’t put aside the feeling of loss inside of me. Home, but without the right person to share it with.

Sighing, I looked up and my heart slammed to a stop. A tall man was stepping out of the farm. A tall man leaning on a cane. A man I had thought I would never see again.

Kevin!

He slowly walked towards me.

“What?” I whispered as I turned to Grandfather. He just raised an eyebrow and grabbed my suitcase.

“I’ll put this in your room,” he said as he shot me a quick grin.

“What?” I repeated, unable to understand what was happening.

Kevin continued towards me, his eyes never leaving mine. As if searching for information, needing desperately to discover some hidden truth.

“What are you doing here?” I final forced myself to ask as my heart raced and my hands began to shake.

Kevin smiled slightly and tilted his head. “I work here. If that’s okay? I mean, I don’t want you thinking I’m stalking you or anything.”

The hesitation in his voice pulled at me, he’s nervous I realized.

“ But why? I thought you needed to be alone, figure things out.”

He shrugged those wide shoulders of his and looked deep into my eyes. “It didn’t take long for me to realize what I needed to do.”

“What was that?” I said softly, as my heart stopped beating, desperately waiting for an answer.

He continued to study me for what seemed like forever then said, “To try and make you fall in love with me again. For a chance to fix things. To be more than friends. To  build something important.”

My heart melted, as I stepped towards him, “Oh, Kevin,” I said. “I never stopped loving you. That was never our problem.”

He smiled as his shoulders slumped with relief. Shaking his head as if unable to believe what he had just heard, he dropped his cane and reached for me, pulling me into the tightest, safest, bestest hug of all times. The kind of hug that could cement our two souls together. The kind of hug that leads to soft tender kisses and so much more.

“I will always love you Mattie,” he said, sending a warm feeling through me. “I finally figured out that it isn’t what you see in the world or where you go. It’s what you build and who you build it with, that is important.

Leaning back, I stared up into his eyes and smiled. “It took you long enough.”

He laughed. “Yeah, well you’re going to have a lifetime of reminding me that you’re the smart one in the family.”

I closed my eyes and sank into him. A lifetime. Such a wonderful, beautiful word. Family, an even better word.

“Are you sure,” I asked as I held my breath.

He smiled, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. All I know is that you give my life meaning. You make it worth living. And if you’ll let me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.”

Yes! The words I had always wanted to hear. I knew there would be hard times, for us. But I also knew they would never outweigh the good times. This was Kevin. My Kevin. The man I would always love. The man I would build a life with.

The End