Adam had just finished sweeping up the floor when Sophie walked into the kitchen with her head hanging down, hugging her stuffed bunny.
“I’m sowwy I bweaked Mommy’s mug.”
His heart squeezed painfully, and his throat constricted. He’d been a royal jackass.
His little girl looked up at him with glistening eyes filled with guilt. He’d been the one who’d put that sentiment there, with his stupid outburst.
“It’s okay, baby girl. It was only a mug.” Adam smiled at her and crouched down, opening his arms. “Come here.”
Sophie threw herself at him and held onto his neck, the bunny still clutched in her chubby hand. She whimpered, and his heart squeezed just that little bit more. He’d hurt his little girl, the light of his life, because of a stupid mug nobody even used, a soulless object that had been sitting on the shelf, gathering dust.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, angel.” He placed a kiss on the top of her head and squeezed her tight. Her soft curls tickled his nose, and he inhaled the sweet scent of her baby shampoo, the one she’d picked over the others at the supermarket because it smelled like candies. “Sometimes even grown-ups do things they’re not proud of, and tonight I did something stupid. I was tired, and I overreacted. I’m sorry I made you cry.”
“I don’t like you when you yell at me, Daddy,” she said in a serious tone. She pulled back and looked at him with a frown that was immediately replaced by a big smile. “But I foggive you.”
Adam chuckled. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” He kissed Sophie’s brow, and she brought her bunny up to his face.
“Buzz foggives you too, but he wants a kiss.”
Things were so simple in her little girl’s world: a hug and a kiss always made everything better. If only it were that easy in the real world, too, he wouldn’t be here, grieving over a broken mug his dead wife used to love drinking her morning coffee from.
He smiled and smacked a loud kiss on the bunny’s furry head. Sophie giggled and snuggled into him. His arms instinctively cradled her, and he wished he could freeze this moment and stay like this forever, so she’d never grow up and he could keep cuddling her. And maybe ask for her forgiveness over and over again. He hated himself right now.
“Can we watch Mommy on TV?”
It had only been a few months since he’d shown her those few videos of Hannah he had on DVD, but Sophie loved them. She’d told everyone her mommy was famous because she was on TV, and Adam’s explanations had been in vain.
“Which one do you want to watch tonight?” he asked, wrapping her more securely in his arms as he stood up. They’d filmed their wedding day, their honeymoon in Maui, and a few moments in Sophie’s life: the day she was born, her first bath, the first time they fed her baby food. If he’d known how short the time he had with his wife would be, he would’ve captured many more moments on tape. Those special, precious moments only the two of them shared were now slowly fading away, leaving only blurred memories of happy days he’d shared with the love of his life.
“The one where Mommy looks like a pwincess.”
Their wedding day. The most painful of them all. They’d been so blissfully happy, and Hannah was so beautiful, with her hair carefully styled, loose curls tumbling from an intricate hairdo, and that long, flowing gown that hugged her chest and waist, creating a cascade of silk and veil around her legs and bottom. That toned butt he’d loved pinching, just to get a girlie giggle out of her—that same giggle that sounded so much like Sophie’s.
Adam wanted his daughter to remember her mother, and these videos were the only proof she’d actually existed, the only memories he could create for her. If he had to endure a night of tossing and turning in his bed, with his heart bleeding and his throat tight, he’d do it. He wanted Sophie to know her mother had been an amazing woman.
He carried his little girl to the living room and plopped her on the couch, eliciting a giggle. He put on the DVD and sat on the couch next to her. She climbed onto his lap and snuggled into his chest, with her furry friend in one hand and her thumb in her mouth. His mother had told him he should help Sophie shed that habit, but she looked so cute and innocent when she did it, he couldn’t find the heart to tell her to stop. She’d outgrow it soon enough, he was sure. He’d sucked his thumb until he was four, so it was probably genetic.
He pressed play, and the first few notes of the romantic song Hannah had picked as soundtrack for the video tugged at his heartstrings. Her smiling face filled the screen, while she was getting her make-up done. She batted her eyelashes, showing off the careful job her sister had done. He’d always liked Hannah best when she had no make-up on, but that day she’d looked stunning. Lauren had managed to bring out the blue hue of her eyes even more, and they’d seemed bigger and brighter than ever. He remembered thinking he could drown in those depths, and he’d go a happy man.
As the scenes unfolded, Adam realized the pain wasn’t as strong as it used to be. The stabbing was there, and it stung, but not as much as it used to. When once he would’ve watched the video and cried his eyes out, especially shortly after she’d died, now he could smile and remember how happy he’d been, how his heart had swelled with pride and love the moment she’d walked down the aisle, holding onto her brother’s arm, beaming like only a bride could. Somewhere along the way, the pain had been replaced by fond memories, little moments in their life together that warmed his heart instead of piercing it like they used to.
When had this change occurred? Why hadn’t he noticed it before? But most importantly: why did it feel so wrong to not feel pain at the memory of his beloved wife?
“Mommy was beautiful. She weally looked like a pwincess.” The awed tone in his daughter’s voice made him smile.
“Yes, she did. And you’re just as beautiful as she was.” Adam ruffled her hair, and she looked up at him. “Good thing you don’t look like me.”
Sophie put a chubby hand to his cheek and grinned, the dimple appearing in her right cheek—the only thing she’d inherited from him. “I fink you’re beautiful, Daddy. And I fink Miss Ellie finks it, too.”
Ellie. Yeah, right now he doubted she found him remotely attractive. He’d be lucky if she’d ever speak to him again, and he wouldn’t blame her. Not that he wanted to find an excuse for his behavior, but seeing that mug shatter, only minutes after he’d been kissing the hell out of another woman in his kitchen, had felt like an ominous sign. He’d started building a new life with another woman while one of the last remnants from his past with his wife was in pieces.
But that was something he’d have to figure out in the morning. He was too tired and too broken to add another layer of guilt to the already sky-high pile.
“Maybe you should mawwy Miss Ellie, so she could live wif us, and she could be my mommy.” The innocent way his daughter spoke had his heart clog his throat. “I like her and she makes you happy. You always smile when she’s wif us.”
Adam swallowed the lump in his throat. Even his daughter had noticed the effect Ellie had on him, and how she’d brought back the man he used to be before his heart was ripped to pieces. And here he’d gone and ruined it all.
Sophie sat up straight and wrapped her arms around his neck, placing a loud kiss on his cheek. “I like you when you smile, Daddy.”
His heart swelled, and the doubts and fears that had gripped him in a vise slowly let go. He covered Sophie’s face with kisses, making her giggle and squirm, and when he looked up at the TV and saw Hannah laughing as she tossed the bouquet, he knew it was time to let go. It was time to keep the promise he’d made to his wife.
It was time to love again.
* * *
“Hey, baby, hope you like these,” Adam said, as he crouched down next to his wife’s grave on Sunday and put the boughs of holly and pine in front of the stone. “Jocelyn insisted this would be the perfect choice. Everything else is going to die by tomorrow.”
He straightened and put his gloved hand on the stone. The cold seeped through the thick wool and reached down into his soul. After the epiphany he’d had last night, he knew talking to Hannah would be the last step he needed to take before he could truly open his heart to Ellie. In a way, he needed his wife’s blessing—or just to let it all out and get it off his chest.
He sat cross-legged on the grass, not caring that it was damp and cold from the frost. He deserved nothing less than to freeze to death for the way he acted last night, both with Sophie and with Ellie.
“There’s something I want to tell you, something I need you to know so I can start healing and keep the promise I made to you that day.” The promise he’d never intended to keep before Ellie had entered his life. “Not a day has gone by that I haven’t loved you, baby, and I’ve missed you ever since you left me. I told you I could never love another woman the way I loved you, but you were right when you used to tell me my heart is so big it could welcome at least ten people and still have room for more. I didn’t want to forget you, I didn’t want the memories of us to fade but after I met Ellie, I realized I didn’t have to get over you in order to let someone else into my heart. You’re still in here, Hannah.” He brought a hand to his heart as tears blurred his vision. “You will always be in my heart and on my mind, but now I can finally think of the good days and the happy moments without breaking down. Ellie did this to me, baby. She gave me the peace of mind I needed. She hasn’t asked me to forget you ever existed; she knows you’ll always be a part of my life, a part of Sophie’s life, and she doesn’t mind. That’s one of the things that made me fall for her.”
Yes, he’d fallen for her. Hard. Unlike his relationship with Hannah, which had grown day after day and morphed from a childhood friendship into love, things with Ellie had gone from neighbors to something more at lightning speed. But his feelings were just as strong. Ellie had gotten past his defenses in a way no one else had been able to since Hannah died, and without even trying too hard—unlike a couple of women who’d offered to help him get over his grief not too long ago.
“She’s the one, Hannah. I know she’s the woman you had in mind when you asked me to love again. She makes me happy, she brings out the best in me, the old Adam who loved life and had dreams for the future. She’s great with Sophie, and our little girl adores her. I think I’m ready to love again.”
He scrubbed his gloved hand over his face and let out a sigh. Saying it out loud made it real, and he was still torn about his need to remain faithful to his wife and deny himself any kind of happiness because of what he’d done, or rather hadn’t done three years ago, and this strong desire of being loved that had recently started growing inside his heart. At times he thought the contrast between these two emotions would end up blowing his mind, but the power of this new feeling was so overwhelming he knew it would win over the grief and guilt.
“I’ll never stop loving you, I’ll never forget you, but I want to see where this thing with Ellie might lead.” He looked up at the sky, closed his eyes and brought his right hand to his heart. “I need to put the demons to rest, baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t get my hands on the man who got away. I’m sorry I couldn’t see justice done, so you could rest in peace. But I can’t let this obsession destroy me the way it nearly did back then.”
Last night, after he’d tucked Sophie in and sat on her bed for a while, taking comfort from staring at her peaceful face, he’d realized it was time to stop obsessing over the guy with the knife. It was time to let the past stay where it belonged, to accept he’d never be able to find the man and make him pay for what he’d done. It was time to concentrate all of his energies on Sophie and Ellie, and in order to do so, he needed to cut that last tie with his past.
“I need your blessing, Hannah. I know this is insane but I can’t move on with my life unless I know you’re okay with it, that you won’t be mad at me. If there’s any way you can give me a sign, just a little hint, anything that could let me know—”
Something brushed against his hands, and he opened his eyes to find a heart-shaped balloon had fallen into his lap. He picked it up, stared at it and looked up when a six or seven-year-old girl with blond curls approached him.
“Thank you for saving my balloon, sir. It flew away and my mommy couldn’t catch it.”
She smiled and reached for it. Adam blinked, slightly dumbfounded and handed it to her. He’d hoped Hannah would send him a sign, but apparently he’d been reading too many fairy tales lately and had forgotten he was too old to believe.
“Hannah! Hannah, where are you?”
His heart leapt into his throat when a woman’s voice carried on the wind. The girl raised the hand holding the thread of the red balloon.
“I’m here, mommy! This man rescued my balloon before it flew away into the sky.” She spun around and gave Adam a dazzling smile, thanked him again and ran toward a woman with a red coat and long blond hair blowing in the chilly December wind. When the little girl reached her, the woman looked at him, raised her hand and waved, followed by the girl, who gave him another brilliant smile.
Maybe he really had read too many fairy tales, but deep down in his heart, Adam wanted to believe this had been Hannah’s way to set him free, her blessing for him to start a new life with Ellie, and give Sophie the happy family she deserved.
You’ll always have my heart Adam; now it’s time to let someone else into yours. He stared up at the sky when he thought he heard Hannah’s voice carrying on the wind.
He smiled and brought a hand to his heart. “Yes, it’s time I did, baby.”