Aston
No more being a coward. I had to do the right thing by Elise, even if it cost me the respect of the only real father I knew.
Dad came down that morning excited as hell. He had grabbed all our fishing gear and set it up beside the front door. Then he waltzed into the kitchen, squeezed my shoulders and ruffled Elise’s hair.
“This is going to be a damn good day,” he noted, smiling. “I just have a feeling.”
I felt flat but I managed a nod. “I hope so.”
After he had a quick breakfast, I helped load everything up into the back our truck. All the while, Elise stood by the front door, staring at me and biting that sexy bottom lip. As Dad loaded the cooler into the backseat, I ducked into the house and grabbed her by the arm. I dragged her into the garage, pushed her against the wall, and smashed my lips against hers. My hands were everywhere. I couldn’t get enough of this tight little body.
“Stop worrying,” I told her, biting that sexy lip of hers.
She ran her hand down the back of my head, gripping a chunk of my hair tightly. “I’m just so nervous. Maybe we should wait.”
“No more waiting. I want you. Fuck, El, I want the world to know you’re mine.”
She pulled me back to her mouth and our tongues tangled for one last moment. I grunted, squeezing her to me, my hands sliding down her back to grab at her meaty little ass. Then Dad called out my name, and I broke free, panting, dick throbbing against my cargo shorts.
“Go,” she told me.
I ran my finger over her bottom lip once and smiled. “Don’t worry, angel. Everything is going to be okay.”
She was red and breathless. “Really?”
I didn’t know. “Yeah.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you.”
I returned outside and climbed into the front seat of the truck. Dad was already behind the wheel, looking me over with a furrowed brow.
“You alright?” he asked me.
“Overheating,” I answered, trying to keep my breaths under control.
He turned the air conditioner on and we peeled out of the driveway. I looked at our house as we drove away, thinking of Elise.
Always thinking of Elise.
*
The day was calm and peaceful. We set our camp chairs out beside a creek. The water wasn’t high, so I wasn’t liking our chances, but Dad wasn’t in it to actually catch fish. He just needed to get away from his job and unwind.
Some days were dark for him. Just last week there was a hit and run and he had to tend to an eight-year-old on the road. She was still in the hospital, and the doctors said she’d never walk again. They say you get desensitized about shit like that over a period of time, but Dad always felt the pain. It was always fresh for him. He just found ways to block it out; kind of like what I did with numbers.
“You’re nervous about something,” he said as we packed up our things and got ready to leave. “What’s going on, Aston?”
I exhaled, not meeting his eye. “How about we grab something to eat at the fish and chip place and talk there?”
He chuckled. “I would have preferred we eat our own fish, but alright, son.”
Son.
That word on this particular day put me in knots.
He patted my back as I climbed back into the car. He drove us to the restaurant, keeping silent the whole way, as if letting me soak in my thoughts. It was mid-afternoon when we pulled up and found a table in the far back of the crowded room. We ordered our food, and all the while Dad studied me carefully, trying to figure out what the problem was.
How does one go right out and say to a man that he’s screwing their daughter? And how does one do that when that man brought him into the family as one of their own?
This was harder than I thought.
Our food arrived, and I picked at it with a fork, my mind spewing numbers that would do absolutely nothing for me right now.
“Is this about school?” he asked me, breaking the heavy silence.
“No,” I answered. “It’ll be hard leaving, don’t get me wrong.”
“We’ll be terribly lonely without you. I don’t know what Elise will do with the house to herself.”
Just do it. Fucking do it, you pussy. “I love her,” I blurted out, staring at him evenly.
He nodded and chuckled. “I know. You both grew up together, inseparable. She’ll have no one to torment.”
I exhaled and shook my head slowly. “No, Dad,” I replied quietly, “I’m in love with Elise.”
He stopped moving, and his smile dropped just like that. It was like watching a bomb go ka-boom. “What?”
“I tried not to,” I explained hastily. “But the heart wants what it wants, right? It happened and…I can’t fight it anymore.”
His fork dropped from his hand, clattering on the plate. He stared at me in disbelief. “You’re in love with Elise,” he repeated. “Is that what I just heard?”
“Yes.”
“Does she know this, Aston?”
I chuckled dryly. “We love each other, Dad. We’re…together.”
He looked away from me for several moments, thoughtfully scanning the restaurant with an indiscernible expression. I was still nervous, but I felt like a weight had fallen from my shoulders. The worst was over. It was out there. He knew, and that meant no more hiding.
“How long?” he asked me solemnly, blue eyes back on mine. “How long has this been going on, Aston?”
“Several weeks,” I responded.
“So not long at all.”
“Long enough that we’re attached.”
Minutes passed. His mortification petered off, replaced with a morose look that was worse than disappointment.
He hated me. I felt it. I knew it. I was almost close to apologizing, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t feel sorry for loving his daughter. Not at all.
“You can yell at me,” I told him sternly. “You can disown me. You can tell me you hate me. I’ll understand.”
He looked at me, startled. “Hate you? I could never hate you, Aston. I love you, always.”
“Then what is it?”
“I…I’m trying to figure out if I’m to blame for this. I guess…I always thought you both were too young, that you’d grow up together like…like siblings. I didn’t see this coming, and maybe I should have.”
“It’s no one’s fault.”
He took a steady breath, trying to maintain control of his emotions as he asked, “Have you…touched her?”
I kept my eyes on him as my insides raged with guilt. “Yeah,” I admitted. “I have.”
“In the house?”
I wanted to bite my tongue off. “Yeah.”
“Have you both taken it slow?”
“We…tried.”
Tried but failed, and he knew it.
He forced a nod, but his horror was apparent. More silent minutes passed, and while it was uncomfortable as fuck, I kept my eyes levelled to his, never breaking away.
After a century of this torture, he leaned over the table and said, “How is this going to work, Aston? This is a new relationship. What’s going to happen next? She’s staying here, and you’re leaving. Did you think about that?”
“Of course.”
“What are you going to do? There are a lot of problems already.”
“If this is about keeping an image and letting everyone know –”
“I couldn’t give a shit if the world knew you and her were together, Aston,” he cut in sharply, looking insulted. “Goddammit, I’m not like that, do you understand? Images are made to change. If the town hates us tomorrow, then we’ll give ‘em some pitchforks and let them have their say. I don’t care. What I care about is how this is going to work. So answer me. What are you going to do when you’re gone and she’s here?”
“I don’t have to go,” I told him confidently. “I’ll stay right here with her.”
His eyes hardened. “You’re going to stay? Here?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re going to throw it all away, you mean?”
“There’s a college here –”
“Don’t insult my intelligence, Aston. I’m not as bright as you, but I’m certainly not as clueless either. The college here is shit. You have a scholarship because you are destined for greater things. You could be the next goddamn Einstein, and you want to throw it all away to be here? I won’t allow it.”
“Then I’ll take her with me,” I retorted.
“You’d take high school off her?”
“She’ll go to one in the city.”
Dad exhaled, shaking his head. “Think about what you’re saying, Aston. What is she going to do over there with you? You know how busy you’re going to be. How are you going to find the time to be with her? You have to sacrifice one thing for another. Your brain dominates you. If you stayed here, you’d go stale. If you left with her, you’d neglect her.”
“I love her, Dad,” I told him adamantly. “With or without your approval, we’re going to be together. Even if we have to run away, we’ll be together.”
“And you’re not understanding me, son. This is hard for me to hear. I’m goddamn shocked by it, but I don’t disapprove. I just know what I’m talking about. Your lives are completely different. Elise is…not as mature as you. She’s young in the head still and…oh, god, she is dramatic. You know what I’m talking about too. She’s all about fun in the moment. All about dancing and socializing. If you do something she disagrees with, she’s all drama and angst. She’s not ready to be on her own. She’s not even ready to know what she wants. She has no career in mind. She has no goals. She reacts emotionally over everything. Throwing a serious relationship into the mix? That’s like playing with fire.”
“What do you mean?”
“Can you imagine the devastation that would happen to our family if you and Elise broke up?”
“We won’t.”
“You don’t know that. She is not at your level. She’s too young.”
“We’re a year apart, Dad.”
“You are years ahead, Aston.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms. I was angry. “So what would you have me do?” I asked him angrily, jaw clenched.
“Wait for her to grow. Give her time.”
I didn’t respond. I wanted her. I wanted her so fucking badly, I ached to the bone. But at the same time, I hated how much sense he made. These next five years were going to be brutal. I had so much to learn, so many goals to reach. And the way I was when I poured myself in my work, the world faded into the background.
Elise would fade along with it.
Would she hate me if I neglected her? Should we wait until I was done and was able to give her my love and attention? Would she even wait that long?
“Your words are killing me, Dad,” I whispered to him. “This is misery for me.”
He went still, looking down at the table for a few moments. When he looked back at me, his eyes were rimmed red. “Aston, you’re a son to me. I brought you into our lives because I couldn’t live a day not knowing if you were going to be thrown into another hell. I had to have you. I had to protect you, and you blossomed with us. The happiest day of my life was when you turned to me and said, ‘can I call you my dad?’ Do you remember that? I was so proud. I would never want to deprive you of happiness. Can’t you see that’s what I’m trying to do?”
“By keeping me away from her, you think I’ll be happy?”
“By having her, do you think she’ll stay?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? You wouldn’t rather wait until she has her own life sorted and then give it a real go?”
I ran a hand through my hair. My mind raced with solutions. Numbers…numbers couldn’t help me out, and logic…logic was working against me right now.
I shoved the plate forward. “This is bullshit,” I hissed, standing up.
I stormed out of the restaurant. This wasn’t how the day was supposed to go! He was meant to accept us and that was it. We were supposed to go home, break it to Mom, and get her acceptance, and then…
Then what?
I slammed open the entrance door and rested my head against the brick wall. I shut my eyes and tried to reason. She loved me. We wanted to be together. Why did it have to get complicated?
I heard the door open again and footsteps approached me.
“Aston,” he said. “Let’s go back in there and sort this out.”
“I don’t want to sort it out.”
“Aston, stop –”
“You don’t want us together. I wish you’d just say it!” I shouted.
“I don’t want you together.” His words were firm and resolute. They shocked me to the core.
I pushed off the wall and turned to him. “You want us unhappy.”
“I want you both to avoid pain. To wait, goddammit. Just…wait until your life is less hectic, until she’s less dramatic. Right now, all I see is obsession and no logic.”
“You’re wrong!”
“Maybe I am. Let’s keep talking it through first.”
“You don’t think I’m good enough for her. Is that it?” I was losing my shit, going hysterical now as all my insecurities raced to the surface. “You think I’m like my father. You think I’ll hurt her because there’s some monster inside of me too!”
“No!” he retorted fiercely. “You are nothing like him!”
“You’re a liar.”
“I would never lie about that.”
“You pity me every fucking day! I see it in your eyes. It’s condescending. You make me feel inferior when you look at me that way. You won’t move on from that part of my life.”
“Because it reminds me to be human,” he argued, his voice cracking. “To cherish you and your sister –”
“Don’t call her that anymore! She’s not my sister.”
“I’m not trying to upset you, Aston.”
“Then let me have her!” Angry tears fell from my eyes. “I want her. We want each other! We waited years for this moment. I tried so hard to push her away, but I couldn’t. Either she leaves with me, or I stay with her.”
He didn’t respond. He just looked at me, his eyes red and pained. He honestly didn’t want me with her. I couldn’t believe it. I felt unworthy, rejected, pushed aside. I knew those things weren’t entirely true, but in that moment, I was raw with pain and determined to see things in a way that mirrored my insecurities.
I shook my head and slid down the wall. Who was he to tell me no? He didn’t understand us. No, a voice whispered in my head, he understands you perfectly, and he’s right.
I was too angry to speak to him, and he continued to linger next to me, determined not to leave me alone. It felt like an hour had passed in that position. I watched people come and go, wishing I’d still been part of that foster system. I could have met Elise on a different path in life. Imagine how simple things would have been then?
I was drowning in my fucking misery when I heard a commotion. I raised my head and stared on as a man slammed the door shut to a car in the parking lot and began screaming at his wife. He pointed to the backseat, mouthing off at a little boy who was crying.
I stood up, and Dad was watching the scene unfold too.
“He spills fucking ketchup in my car, the little thieving shit!” the man screeched.
The woman was terrified of him, but she continued holding her ground, protecting her boy from this man. This man who was shaking the same way my real father did before he cut us all up.
“Get out of the way!” he told her.
When she wouldn’t, he grabbed something from under his shirt and I tensed when I saw the gun. I took a step forward when Dad grabbed me by the arm. “Don’t,” he told me sternly. “I don’t have my protective gear here, Aston. I’m off-duty. We cannot intervene when he is armed like that. Let me call the department.”
“He’s going to hurt the kid,” I hissed.
“He won’t, I promise.” Dad pulled out the phone from his pocket and made the call. I stood by and stared on as the man shoved the woman behind and reached for the door.
Images flashed before my eyes.
My real father chasing my mother around the house.
Her screams.
Her pleas.
The way my sisters sobbed for mercy. How quiet I was as I stood back and watched helplessly. Why had I been so quiet? Why didn’t I move? Why didn’t I do something?
You’ve always been weak. Always been a coward.
I snapped and, without knowing it, I rushed to the man with the gun. I heard Dad yell at me to stop, but I didn’t listen. Adrenaline and anger fuelled me, as well as images of green eyes and rage and blood.
I lost it.