Elise
“Hey hooker,” I heard from behind me. “Happy birthday.”
With a textbook in my hand, I slammed my locker shut and turned around. I gasped at the chocolate cupcake inches away from my face, and then at Cindy, wearing a shit-eating grin.
“You made me a cupcake?” I breathed out, surprised…in a good way.
She nodded. “Of course I did. You’re eighteen. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t know your birthday? I put it in my phone and everything so I wouldn’t forget. I also got up extra early to bake these babies. I wanted them fresh for you. There’s eleven more in Tupperware containers in my locker. You can have them at lunch. You need the pounds, and I hate that you need the pounds because I don’t and I’m jealous of your toned ass.”
I took the cupcake from her. “I just…I can’t believe you remembered.”
“I know I’m a bitch, but you can’t question my loyalty.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Cindy. You don’t know what this means to me.”
First, a beautiful doctor gave me his umbrella and told me I was beautiful, and now the friend I used to take for granted woke up early and baked me cupcakes. Things were actually looking up for the first time in… ever.
And Cindy…she was the only person that had really been there for me. The only one that stuck by me through thick and thin. I found support in the friend I had confided least in at the time, and she distracted me and made high school better. You couldn’t put a price on a friend like that.
“Did your mom do something?” she asked me as we walked down the hallway.
“She was gone by the time I got up,” I answered.
“You have to give her time. She’s still hurting.”
“Yeah, well, she’s not the only one still hurting.”
“True. If she’s not going to do something nice for you, did you want to do something instead?”
“Like what?”
“There’s a party. Jed’s parents are out of town, so he’s going to nuke his house. I got a ride all sorted out.”
I shook my head. “Not tonight. I’m just going to drink a bottle of wine and Netflix it with Tuck.”
“Seriously, Elise, you need to stop. Spending your birthday alone is just pathetic, and Tuck is a fucking crazy ass cat.”
“Thanks, friend.”
“Come out and have fun with me. You need to be intoxicated, and you also need a dude’s tongue down your throat.”
“I like my throat tongue-less.”
“Lame! How are you meant to meet a hot guy by hiding out all the time?”
My steps slowed down and I looked at her with a shy smile. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this but…I had a conversation with a really hot guy this morning.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh, my God, who? Was it Jimmy? I’ve caught him looking at you and all.”
I made a disgusted face. “Jimmy wants me because he thinks I’m an easy lay. The ironic thing is I’m not even a slut.”
“Live up to your slut reputation then.”
I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, no, it’s not Jimmy. This guy doesn’t go to high school. He’s…older.”
Her lips spread into an excited smile. “Like how much older?”
“Just…older.”
“You getting a sugar daddy?”
“Not that old. He’s in his twenties.”
“What does he look like?”
“Matt Bomer.”
She sucked in a breath. “Oh, my God. You said that about that doctor all those months ago.”
I gave her a strange look. “How do you even remember that?”
She tapped her head. “I catalogue all discussions of hot men in this brain of mine. I wish it was like that with math, but I can’t complain at the end of the day. Hot guys are way more important than finding out what the x is.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Unbelievable. Well, the doctor was the one. I saw him at the bus stop. He gave me his umbrella.”
“Oh,” she swooned, putting a hand over her heart, “he’s one of those guys?”
I bit my lip, fighting my blush. “It was probably nothing, but he called me beautiful.”
She nodded. “Shit. Be careful. He could be a crazy serial killer.”
“He’s hot.”
“Ted Bundy was hot.”
I laughed. “Well, he’s definitely not Ted Bundy. Again, he’s a doctor.”
“Doctors are the worst kind of serial killers. They tear you apart slowly. You should watch the crime channel more often.”
“You’re insane.”
She looked at me for a moment, studying my face. Her smile faded away and her brows slowly came together. Then she abruptly grabbed me by the arm and steered me to the back of the stairwell where we were alone.
Turning to me, she leaned forward and whispered, “I know about Aston, El. I’ve always known.”
My smile dropped. “At this point, everyone knows, Cindy.”
She shook her head. “They think he rejected you and you were in love with him, but…I know there was something going on between you both. Am I right?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, no use denying the obvious. How many other people know?”
“I don’t know.”
I looked at her wryly. “Come on, be honest. Who have you been talking to?”
Cindy frowned. “El, I don’t talk about you. I never have. I’m not that much of a fucking drama queen. I talk shit about people, sure, but not my friends. Well, not my closest friends. If I wanted the world to know that you and Aston had gotten it on, believe me, they’d know. It’s all rumours at this point.”
My lips pursed. “Why are we having this conversation?”
“Because…I don’t know if you should be thinking of another guy when you’re heartbroken.”
“I’m heartbroken because my dad is dead, remember?”
She rubbed my arm caringly. “There are different kinds of heartbreak. Yours reeks of Aston. I’m trying to be a good friend here, and you can tell me if I’m out of line, but…are you ready to move on?”
I rolled my eyes. “I was just flattered a hot guy paid me attention, Cin. I’m not looking to fall in love all over again. I also don’t want the doctor. He was caught up in his own shit, and I think he knew I needed the attention. I’m just grateful he gave it because…I liked it.”
She looked at me carefully. “Sooo…you’re up for a little fun?”
My heart said no but I nodded anyway. “Yes.”
Her smile spread slowly. “Good.”
“Thanks for the concern, though.”
“You’re the longest friend I’ve had who hasn’t bailed on me.”
“Believe me, there were moments.”
With that, we headed up the stairs just as the school bell rang. We parted ways and I made it to my grade 12 English class with a couple of minutes to spare. The door was still closed, and other students stood around, waiting for the late teacher (it wasn’t her first damn time). I rested my back against the wall and nibbled on my cupcake, which was pretty amazing. Cindy had some serious baking skills. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I checked my inbox, hoping for a message from either Mom or…Aston.
It was empty, and I bottled up my disappointment. I shouldn’t have expected anything. Without expectations there was no room for disappointment.
“Do you really need a cupcake?”
I looked up from my phone and at Michelle, a girl I no longer hanged out with since the ninth grade when she decided to fuck half the school and talk shit about girls, including me. She was a bottle blonde bitch in barely-there clothes standing next to her dim-witted clique who hid their smiles behind English textbooks they probably couldn’t read. I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering if I should bother. The anorexic little weed had just called me fat in a roundabout way.
Well, I was told I was beautiful this morning by a doctor whose opinions mattered more to me than this bitch, so I decided not to respond. I looked back down at my phone, pretending to read when I was really waiting for her stuck up face to fuck off. I heard her giggling to her friends, and them pushing her to “say it” over and over again. Giving into that peer pressure, he finally turned to me again and added, “Did your brother make you that cupcake after you fucked him?”
Blood drained from my face. It felt like someone had poured ice cold water down my spine. All good feeling vanished in a blink of an eye. I stiffened and looked up at the giggling bitches. Michelle flipped her hair behind her shoulder and glimpsed at me, that smug smile suddenly gnawing through an anger that had laid dormant for months. The edges of my vision blurred, and that horrid fogginess set in.
She turned her back to me, and giggled again. And it was that fucking giggle – that claws-on-a-chalkboard giggle – that made my insides SNAP!
I threw the cupcake at her head, grateful that it hit, otherwise it’d have been embarrassing as fuck. Her hand flew to the back of her skull, and she looked down at the scattered remains of the cupcake before her face darkened and her mouth dropped. “Crazy bitch,” she hissed.
I dropped my books on the floor and approached her. “Say it again. I dare you.”
“Say what?” she retorted, smug attitude present. “That you fucked your brother? The whole school knows you sucked his cock–”
I grabbed at her hair and pulled. Hard. She shrilled at the top of her lungs, falling against me. I didn’t let her go. With my fist buried at the base of her skull, I tightened my hold and swung her around. She screamed louder, in a panicked way, and it was glorious. Like music to my ears.
Her friends screamed around me, telling me to let her go. And then they intervened, grabbing at me from both sides, one by the arm and the other around my own hair. Pain shot up my skull and in my arm where pink acrylic nails dug into my flesh, drawing blood. I still didn’t let Michelle go. They would have to try their fucking hardest to take me down.
“Let her go, you sick bitch,” one of them demanded. “Just fucking do it!”
“Go fuck yourselves, you ugly cunts,” I growled back.
They grunted, hurting me even more, and that only made me want to fight back harder. I pulled so hard, tearing apart the strands of straw-like hair from Michelle’s head. She scratched at me, pushed at me, and her friends did the same, but I didn’t care. The pain I felt was worth it so long as I was inflicting it on the stupid bitch that thought she could hurt me with her tongue.
“That’ll teach you to open your ugly mouth next time,” I gritted at her just as a whistle sounded out.
Teachers descended on us, breaking the four of us apart. The other girls panted, fake tears falling down their eyes, gaining the quick sympathy of those around them as they played victim. Meanwhile, I glared, my anger thick and unrepressed, a dark smile flitting along my lips as I watched Michelle pull out loose hair from her face with horrified eyes.
Obviously, I received no sympathy from anyone.
I was the crazy brother-fucker after all.
*
“Given what you started this morning, Miss Wright, I’m technically allowed to expel you,” Principal Caul told me solemnly, clasping her hands over her desk as she looked at me severely. She was a tiny woman with fiery red hair that fit her fiery shit temper she was known for.
And I was about to get expelled. I didn’t know whether to feel panicked or amused by the whole thing. That hysteria from when Aston left had returned, and I was bouncy and energetic, close to laughing even. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, and it was a remarkable feeling. Like being alive. I savoured it before the remorse hit.
“But,” she continued, looking harder at me in thought, “I know what that girl said, and I know it’s also your birthday, and that you’ve lost your father during the summer just before school started. I would feel unjust to kick you out this late in the school year. It would put you in a difficult situation.”
My arms were crossed as she spoke. My eyes moved to the clock hanging on the wall above her head. “Don’t single me out,” I muttered lifelessly. “Treat me the way you would to any other student. I’m not going to skate through life being pitied because my father’s dead and it’s my birthday.”
“Where would you go?” she asked, frowning. “You’d be travelling to the other side of town for high school.”
I shrugged. “I’ve got a bus pass. I’ll make it.”
“That’s if they accept you.”
“Then I’ll drop out of school if they don’t.”
She froze, and then shook her head. “You can’t be serious, Elise.”
“Why would I not be?”
“You have decent grades. English and Arts are your strengths. Despite your actions this morning, you’ve been present and you’re handing in your assignments. You’re going to graduate with a nice average at this rate.”
“Then why this talk about expelling me in the first place?”
“I’m letting you know that any other principal might not have been so lenient.”
“Alright, your lordship, shall I go down on my knees and thank you –”
“Watch your tongue!” she shouted, causing me to jump in my chair.
Jesus fucking Christ, I’d hit a nerve.
She cut me up with that icy glare. “You may have had it rough, Elise, but that does not mean the world is going to tolerate your poor attitude.”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be. I’m giving you another chance and you’re being a smartass.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated regretfully. “I…I don’t know why I said that. It just came out. I’m sorry, Principal Caul.”
She exhaled slowly and studied me for several seconds. “I know you are,” she finally said, her shoulders relaxing as the tension in the room evaporated. “Now, I can’t simply let you off the hook. I have to do something, or else I’ll never hear the end of it. Michelle Anderson has a judge for a father, and I’m sure he’ll be calling my office in a matter of hours, demanding what punishment I’ve given you.”
“You really don’t have to be lenient,” I said.
“What you did was vicious, and there is absolutely no excuse for violence, but I don’t think you deserve being expelled given the details of what happened before you tore her hair out of her head. You’re going to get a three day suspension instead, and then you’re going to return, attend class and go about your business. Ignore those girls the next time they pick a fight with you, because after this, I am positive they will.”
“And I should just accept it?” I replied, astonished.
“You would have accepted it before, wouldn’t you?”
“That was before I had a backbone.”
“No, before you would have thought of the consequences.”
“Yeah, but that was…” I paused, my chest constricting.
She tilted her head to the side. “That was what?”
“That was when Aston was here,” I finished, blinking back the sudden emotion flooding to the surface. “He…He wouldn’t have approved.” Because he’d have done something about it himself.
“Is this your way of getting back at him?”
My mouth opened and no words came out. We stared at each other for several moments, and I felt like she’d spread me wide open and looked inside my soul. “You should have been a therapist,” I whispered.
Her lips spread into a soft smile. “Where would the fun be in that? I like to torture a kid or two every now and then.”
I smiled back, surprised by our conversation.
She let out a long sigh and added, “You are crying for attention, Elise. I see that, and I hope this is the kick you need to get your life in order. Keep your hands to yourself from now on, no matter how hard it is. The consequences are simply not worth the pleasure you feel in the moment. Understand?”
It took everything in me to nod, but inside I was coiled up and screaming. I didn’t agree. Those bitches deserved it. I’d gladly do it again today, tomorrow, every fucking day of the week.
But she was right at the same time, and I felt horribly divided.
“Good,” Caul said, looking suddenly older than her forty-three years. “Now you may go, but…please, Elise, take care of yourself. I want to see you graduate. Let go of that anger. Without it, you’re a wonderful, sweet girl.”
I shut my eyes for a brief moment, relishing in her compliment. Man, I felt so vulnerable.
“Thank you,” I told her. I was thanking her for not expelling me, but most of all I was thanking her for her sweet words. I needed it more than she could ever know.
I left after that and walked back to the bus stop in the rain. This time I had an umbrella to shield me, but no man at the bus stop to make me smile.
*
I lay in the bathtub, hot water up to my neck. My wet fingers were wrapped around a pink leather wallet with a glittery name on the front.
“Michelle,” I whispered, reading it with a sick smile on my face.
I opened the wallet for the first time since I’d snatched it off the ground after the fight. It was a shock nobody had noticed it before I did. I wasn’t sure exactly why I took it. Part of me felt she deserved it, but holding it in my hands and peeking through the contents, I felt like a dirty thief. Technically I was.
She had several fifty dollar bills inside. “Rich bitch,” I muttered. There were also receipts to the nail salon and spa. “Typical rich bitch,” I added.
I threw the money on the toilet seat and then pulled out a key in the front pocket. Rich bitch was going to have a problem trying to get home without her car key. Did I care? No. She shouldn’t have said what she did and then none of this would have happened.
You reap what you sow.
Or maybe my idea of justice was skewed.
I threw the wallet on the other side of the bathroom, hearing the key clink along the floor. Instantly, Tuck pushed the door open and waltzed in, investigating the sound. He nudged the key around, and I should have told him to leave it alone, but I didn’t. Whatever. I tried to convince myself she deserved it, even though the voice in the back of my head said to return it. I was sore everywhere. Those bitches had done a number on me. I just hadn’t felt it at the time, but now…now I was covered in scratches on my face, neck and body. They’d kicked me too at some point, though I couldn’t recall when.
I worked my hand through my hair, pulling out long blonde strands from the fight. I tangled it up in a ball and threw it in the bin. Then I continued laying there, swallowed by the silence with just one thing on my mind.
Aston.
Fucking Aston plaguing my thoughts every time I was alone. He consumed my every waking moment.
Hayden Crowe? He was sexy and generous, but he still paled in comparison to Aston, and I was terrified of disrespecting what we had together if I had indecent thoughts of Hayden’s sexy face. Could you imagine the anger Aston would feel if he knew?
You say that like he still cares. He hasn’t talked to you in over six months. You’re not on his mind. He hasn’t even wished you a happy birthday.
But…fuck, it was the truth, wasn’t it?
He left us.
Goddammit, he… left us.
“Why can’t I just let you go?” I whispered, thinking of his deep green eyes.
I wanted to punch a hole in my chest, remove my heart and toss it in the bin. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to stop feeling. Because I was so tired of being miserable! I was tired of loving and feeling alone. At the same time, I knew how amazing love could be, and I was struggling. When it came down to it, I was frightened of letting him go.
Sucking in breaths, I grabbed my phone and texted Cindy. I needed out of here. Away from my thoughts that profusely revolved around Aston.
I’ll go. I texted her. When do you wanna pick me up?
As I waited for her response, Tuck leapt from the toilet seat into the tub, splashing me right in the face. He surfaced a second later and chilled out by my feet, the only part of him visible being his head.
“You are so fucking strange,” I told him.