Elise
I was breathing a little hard by the time I waded out of the waters, my hair soaked and sitting just below my waist. Smoke from the fire billowed against me, its heat already diminishing the relief the cool water had given me. I wasn’t aware of it until I was standing by the pit, but a few nerdy looking guys had stopped to stare at me, their mouths wide open, their eyes bulging out of their sockets.
“Holy shit,” one wearing glasses cursed. “Where did you come from?”
“Hello, fellas,” I returned, grinning as I looked around, catching the attention of all kinds of people. “Cool party. Where’s the beer?”
One turned to a cooler beside his camp chair. He pulled out a can of beer and handed it to me. I cracked it open and put it to my lips when it was suddenly torn from my grasp.
“No alcohol,” Aston growled at me. “Don’t be stupid.”
“Eh, don’t be rude to her,” another man with a popped collar said. “She’s just having fun.”
“She’s underage,” Aston retorted, narrowing his eyes at him.
“I’m eighteen,” I lied, rolling my eyes. “Ignore my brother here. He’s awfully protective of me. Now where’s all the dancing? This music rocks.”
“In the house is where it’s all at.”
I winked at Popped Collar. “Thanks.”
“I can show you the way if you’d like –”
“Fuck off,” Aston interrupted him as I started to stride away.
Popped Collar took one look at Aston and immediately backed down. I felt kind of bad. “You don’t have to be a dick, Aston,” I muttered to him.
Moving toward the lake house, I felt their eyes burning along my figure. Aston followed after me, gritting his teeth. “We were supposed to go for a swim, El,” he angrily said. “Not crash a party.”
I stopped in front of the house and turned to him. “Look, dearest one, you need to relax and learn to have fun. Stop being so uptight and just…live. I promise you won’t regret it. Dance with me and pretend no one is watching, okay?”
He didn’t look convinced. With a sigh, I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the house. There were couples all over the wraparound deck, drinking and kissing. They didn’t notice us moving past them.
I’d crashed a few high school parties with Cindy already, and Aston had tagged along every single time, determined to keep a close eye on me so I wasn’t being taken advantage of again. I knew he did it to protect me, but never in those times did he loosen up and have fun.
He remained anti-social, a goddamn ornament in the background, never participating in conversations or dances. I didn’t get him, sometimes. Wouldn’t he want to participate in some fun every now and then? He was going off to college in a matter of time and he needed to get used to this kind of life, instead of dwelling in libraries and watching time pass by without learning to embrace the cultures of the twenty first century.
Or maybe I just didn’t understand his love for isolation. I hoped I never would, either.
Everyone was nice, not an aggressive soul in the house as we entered. They parted to let us through. I got a few dirty looks from girls sizing me up, though it wasn’t like they were dressed any more than I was in their booty shorts and belly tops. Hypocrites.
The music roared loud as ever as we entered a massive open area, its furniture shoved against the walls, allowing plenty of room for dancing. There were already so many people in here, I could feel Aston’s grip tighten around mine. I brought us in the middle of the room and turned to him. I was smiling so wide, my mouth was sore.
“Dance!” I hollered at him.
He didn’t. Not at all. What was wrong with him?
He just stood there, staring down at me with a blank expression. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and sway my body against his, but I knew he wouldn’t react to it. He’d stand still, stiff as a board, and wait for me to finish.
“Come on, Aston,” I pleaded. “I just want to have some fun.”
“Then I’ll leave you to have your fun,” he told me.
I sulked. “No, don’t leave me here. I meant fun with you –”
“I’m not leaving you in this house, El. I meant I’ll wait until you finish.” At the look of relief on my face, his own softened. “I’d never leave you, you know that,” he promised.
He left a second later, resting his back against a wall in direct view of me. He crossed his arms and stared at me, a neutral look on his face. For a moment, I wondered if I should just leave. I hesitated, deliberating it, before I caught him shake his head at me and mouth the word dance. When I didn’t, he wagged his brows and mouthed another word. Now. I smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up. Then I waded deeper into the crowd and danced.
I was a free spirit. Not a care on my shoulders as I spun and threw my hands in the air. Guys flocked to me, but I moved away from them and danced on my own. Dancing wasn’t about eroticism to me, it was about moving to the beat of a rhythm that made my heart vibrate and my body crave the beat. It was pure fun, a way of self-expression that led to an awesome release. I was confident dancing. I knew my body well, knew how to move, how to sway, how to shake my ass. Thank you, Ms Potts for all those dance lessons.
Mindful of Aston, I didn’t spend a long time dancing. Two songs later, I turned to him, hair in my face, laughter pouring out of my mouth. He was still standing in the same spot, his eyes on mine, like he’d never looked away once. I liked that a lot. His arms were still crossed over his bare chest, looking thick as ever all pressed up against him. His hair was in a sexy, wet mess. He was taller and more solid than everyone around him, catching the eyes of plenty of girls passing by. But he wasn’t looking at them. He was looking at me, and that was all that mattered.
“Happy now?” he asked me when I stopped in front of him.
“I’d have been happier if you danced,” I answered.
“Maybe some other time,” he replied dryly.
I was doubtful of that ever happening. “I’m never going to have any decent memories to look back on when you leave, am I? You’re just a boring ornament.”
“A boring ornament? Is that really how you’re going to remember me?”
“Absolutely,” I teased. “I should throw a pink bow on your head so you don’t scare people away with your brooding against the wall.”
He looked down at me for a moment, his face stricken with intense thoughtfulness. His eyes roamed my features, and then he gritted his teeth and said, “Fine.”
“Fine what?”
“Fine, I’ll do it.”
Before I could say another word, he took me by the hand and led me back into the crowd. I was so surprised, I could hardly catch up to what was happening until he pressed my body against his and moved.
Oh. My. God.
Aston was dancing.
I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck like I had wanted to. I thought he’d be awkward, but Aston surprised me more than ever that night. His hips moved, controlling the rhythm of my own body as he took the lead. I gasped in surprise, staring at him with a deer in the headlights look.
“When did you learn to dance like that?” I asked him, though my voice was swallowed up by the party house mix.
He smirked devilishly. “I’m not a priest, El.”
He continued his fluid movements, and I went along with it, still floored by this other layer of him. His hands roamed down my back, stopping just above my tailbone before moving back up again. They were controlled and cautious touches, never too erotic, but still sexy enough to get my blood pumping harder. His head dipped and his face pressed against the side of mine. His hot breaths blew against my ear and I could feel it all the way down my body, making my toes curl.
My hands tightened against his neck in a sort of needy way. A hand tangled into his hair, gripping it tightly. I pulled away from him enough that I could look into his eyes. He looked straight at me, his eyes dark and smouldering, his lips parted enough I could see the way his tongue slid against the inside of his bottom lip.
Don’t you feel what we have together?
“Can I cut in?” I heard a voice shout.
Aston pulled away, and we looked at a pretty blonde, staring directly up at him with a sexy smile on her face. She was confident, not even acknowledging me like it was a given I would be tossed to the side. I fucking hated that. Hated girls that trivialized relationships, and, okay, we weren’t in a relationship, but I’d been a breath away from kissing him, and she just intruded like she had every fucking right to.
I won’t even deny the jealousy that cut me deep. In a split second, I imagined stepping back and giving him to her. I imagined his hands along her thin hips, his fingers moving below her tailbone without caution, and his face pressed against the side of her orange foundation-mask of a face. Was this girly girl enough for him?
I wanted to escape and drown in alcohol. I’d done it once when I found Dad’s whiskey in the basement and had a few gulps with Cindy. But then Aston found out and it was all doomsday gloom for days. I’d fought him about it, told him I was only young once and wanted to try new things. In the end he only allowed beer, and only when he supervised.
I started to look around in search of some messy people playing beer pong or some shit when I heard Aston’s response. “No,” he said firmly, causing me to switch my gaze back to his in disbelief. Had he really said no to orange-face girly girl? Then he turned to me and pressed me back to him, dismissing the girl entirely.
It felt fucking amazing.
I smiled brilliantly the second he dipped his face between my shoulder and neck, moving to the music without skipping a beat. We were flesh against flesh, the wet drops on his bare torso brushed against the wet drops on mine. We were the only two souls drenched in that room, and we stood out like two white dots in a sea of black.
I was in heaven. This was the best night of my life, hands down.
After two more songs, he took me by the hand and led me away from the room. I thought we were going back out, but he turned a corner and we went down a crowded hallway to a gorgeous, large kitchen with skylights.
“I heard them say there was cake,” he explained as we stepped into the thinly occupied room. “Someone’s birthday, I guess. Anyway, you love your cake. Grab a cut before we go.”
There was a marble kitchen island, its surface covered in half-demolished trays of cakes and pastries. It looked amazing, even though it was technically wrong crashing a party you were not invited to, dancing around strangers, and then eating someone else’s cake. But let’s not start counting our sins, right?
I smiled at him. “How thoughtful.”
His lips spread just a bit, enough to be a smile in my books. I grabbed a paper plate and cut a piece of the vanilla cake with that many inches of frosting on it. “Happy Birthday Chri” it said as I placed the piece with the letter “s” on my plate. Thanks, Chris. Then I turned back to Aston. “Okay,” I said, “let’s go.”
For a brief moment, he didn’t look at me. His eyes were over my head, narrowed and hard. When I followed, I saw a man in the corner of the kitchen with a couple of his friends. He was staring at me, openly checking me out from top to bottom before smiling at me.
“It’s a good cake,” he remarked, and it wasn’t lost on me how suggestive he sounded. It came off totally creepy, and I suppressed the shudder I felt crawling at a snail’s pace down my spine.
I nodded kindly, though I really didn’t care to answer. “Hope so.”
Then I turned back around, grabbed Aston’s hand, and walked out. He was quiet as we left the house. He led me to the board walk all the while not saying a word. I didn’t like the silence, and I wondered if he was upset with me for taking him into the house.
You’re a selfish bitch, Elise.
“I’m sorry,” I said, staring down at the cake as we took a seat on the ledge.
“For what?” he asked.
“For forcing you in there.”
“I didn’t mind. You have the right to have some fun.”
I looked up at him. “I appreciate it. You could have dragged me out of there the second I pulled you in.”
“I wanted to, believe me.” I caught the way his shoulders tensed as he spoke, a frown digging into his face. “When I’m gone, Elise, I need you to be very careful going into places like that. Don’t…don’t do it alone. The way some of the guys stared at you…it was bad, El. Please, promise me you won’t.”
I nodded solemnly. “I promise, Aston. I know better after what happened with Deck. I won’t go to a place like that alone.”
His face softened. “Good. Have a guy with you too. Not a girl like Cindy. She’d encourage the attention.”
I didn’t respond to that. I looked back down at my cake, feeling like someone was putting my heart through a shredder. I wasn’t going to have a guy with me. I didn’t want a guy with me. I wanted…
I shut my eyes briefly and sighed. “I’ll miss you. I know you’re not going away for another while, but…when you leave, I’m going to miss the shit out of you, Aston.”
“I’ll still be around.”
“Promise?”
He nodded. “I promise.”
“But it won’t be like normal.” God, was this the Days of our Lives? Why was I unloading all this shit now?
“What do you mean, El?” He waited patiently for me to answer, and I was so conflicted.
“I’m here, and you’ll be there,” I finally said. “It won’t be the same. I won’t see you every day. It’ll be like losing my best friend.”
“Apply for colleges in the city. That way we’re close again.”
I scoffed. “I’m a loser, Aston. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m…lost.”
“You love dancing.”
“No one can make a living dancing. Unless it’s wrapped around a stripper pole.”
“Don’t joke about that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a stripper.”
“Not if I was there to keep the creeps away.”
“I wouldn’t even have the courage to do something that wild anyway.” Wow, I was being a Negative Nancy. I should change my name to Eeyore.
“Pursue your passion.”
“Dad says to be smart and safe.”
“So you’ve had this talk with him?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. He wants me to go into teaching, or nursing, or…law. Yuck.”
Aston chuckled. “All I know is you’re young, El. We’re pressured to pick something now but…fuck, I just think of how boring life would be doing something you hated every day. It might seem like dancing is a dead-end pursuit but…passion always finds a way to make things work. I see the way you move. You’re…hot, El. You can make it happen. You can go to dance school, or…open up your own studio. You can do whatever you want.”
I blushed at the compliment. “No one believes in me as much as you do.”
“Now you have to start believing in yourself.”
He always had a way of turning it around for me. From being pessimistic and what the hell is the point to life to yeessssssss, I can DO IT!!! I felt pumped up by him. He made me feel like anything was possible.
Comfortable silence followed for a bit. I swiped the frosting on the cake and licked it. It was a bit stale, like it’d been sitting out for a while, but it was still good. You couldn’t knock free cake, right? I felt Aston stare at me as I swiped and sucked on my finger again. When I turned to look at him, he looked away.
“Want some?” I asked him, my voice light.
He shook his head.
“Are you sure? It’s really good,” I said, biting back a smile as I took another chunk on my fingertip and ate it.
His gaze flickered back to my mouth. I felt something tugging deep in my belly at the look on his face. He took a deep, unsteady breath and shook his head no again. He was acting strange, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I needed to break the moment before the weight of his strangeness suffocated us. I finished the piece on my plate, scooped the last bit of frosting and smeared it on the side of his face.
“Race you back,” I giggled before throwing the paper plate at him and diving into the water.
I heard his laughter behind me and he jumped in after me. We swam, with him on my tail, almost all the way back. My arms were sore by the time I reached the second boardwalk. I grabbed at the column and stopped to catch my breath. I didn’t know how far back he was, and I turned my head to look when I suddenly felt an arm around my stomach just as he surfaced. I screamed and turned around to push him away.
“You scared me!” I scolded him. The water was sitting just under my shoulders. I was panting and he was completely at ease, not one bit out of breath.
“You alright?” he asked, grinning.
I frowned. “Shut up. I haven’t gone swimming in a long time.”
“I can tell.”
I rolled my eyes and then laughed when I looked at him. “You still have frosting on your face. How is that even possible?”
He put a hand to his face and rubbed at the wrong spot. I flicked his hand away, moved a little closer, and rubbed the tiny remainder off his stubbled cheek close to the corner of his mouth. “You need to shave,” I muttered, playfully. “Unless you’re going for the homeless dude look.”
When I didn’t get a cheeky response, I looked back up at him and froze at the look on his face. A shiver wracked my body as he gazed into my eyes, and then along my neck and shoulders, burning a trail in my skin I could feel all the way to my soul. The way he grazed his bottom lip with his front teeth only sealed the deal for me. I zoned in on his mouth and all thought…poof…disappeared.
The light atmosphere was gone again, and it hadn’t even stayed long enough for my heart to calm down. I felt like he’d just wrapped his hands around my neck and sucked every bit of air out of it. He wanted me. I didn’t care if it was an emotional want, or a physical one. I’d take anything from him. I let go of all the hard work of putting up that wall I’d expertly built brick by brick. It collapsed into a heap of rubble and smoke. I exposed myself. Vulnerability in every sense of the word. I stared back at him the way he stared at me, but I gave him more. More need. More desire. More desperation.
Surely he knew. He could see it in my eyes, all the things I wanted to say, all the ways I wanted to show it. This was by far the ballsiest thing I’d ever done. And it would either end in humiliating rejection, or with his body wrapped around mine. Regardless, my world was about to flip upside down.
I waited. Anticipation. Fear. Worry. It was all a swirling twister inside of me, clogging my throat until it was too painful to swallow.
I didn’t know who moved first. Maybe him. Maybe me. Maybe both of us at the same time. But the space between us shrank inch by inch.
My heart stomped in my chest.
My breath lost intensity.
My eyes misted; I couldn’t blink, couldn’t think, couldn’t do a damn thing except stare into his brilliant eyes, at his beautifully sculpted face – too beautiful, it was a damn crime.
“Aston,” I whispered in surrender.
“Why are you looking at me like that, El?” he whispered back, his voice hesitant.
“You know why. You’ve always known.”
He started breathing harder. His chest rose and fell rapidly. His eyes scanned mine, that heat growing within him. I stepped closer to him and in the water my hand found his. I laced my fingers through his and gazed up at him, my hope climbing.
I love you. I wanted to say. I love your brooding nature. I love your stupid long hair. I love your intelligence. I love the way you stare at me. I love your mouth and eyes and your annoying fucking smart ass responses. I love your soul…God, your soul is a treasure I want for myself.
The second I felt his long fingers tightening, my whole being exploded. I sucked in a breath. “Aston, I lo–”
He broke my words with his mouth. It crashed to mine so unexpectedly, I almost fell back. His other arm wrapped around my waist, steadying me as he brought me closer to him, pulling me higher against him. He dipped his face lower, kissing me harder.
Soft wet lips.
Tongue brushing against my own.
Fire in my blood, heating me, incinerating me.
He pushed me back suddenly, and my back hit the column. His hands roamed down my body, deliberately slow. Then he grabbed at my thighs and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips so he was flushed against me. My hand climbed up his chest and around the back of his neck. I opened my mouth more, accepted more of him in, the taste of his tongue so intoxicating, so rich with the flavour of him, I was dizzy.
I’d never done this. I didn’t think he had either. But we kissed like we’d been doing it for a lifetime. It came as naturally as breathing air.
My body buzzed, every inch of me felt licked by his touch. I poured myself into that kiss, every part of my soul unleashed with wild abandonment.
Here I was, under the boardwalk, kissing the boy of my dreams, feeling him pressed against me in ways I only imagined in my fantasies. I felt his grip tighten as he breathed harshly into my mouth, moving his hips in delicious motions against that spot between my legs that had me shaking.
He ate me alive with those lips. Tingles swarmed me, hot pleasure settled at the pit of my stomach. In that moment my being bent to him, and I moaned. Long and deep, from out of my throat and into his. A moan that spoke of pained pleasure and desperate need for more. And it was that sound that suddenly halted everything. One second I was wrapped around him, his tongue tasting my own, his hips pressed against me, a long hardness felt, and then… he let me go and he was gone.
It was abrupt; it took me several seconds for me to mentally catch up. My back was still against the column when I opened my eyes and searched for him. He was already wading out of the water, his back to me, his hands on top of his head.
My ears rang, my vision spotted. Why did the world still feel like it was a million miles away? I was trembling, both from his kiss and his abrupt leave. I told my body to move, but every step felt like a mission. I watched him gain speed and reach the beach, already slipping on his flops. He wouldn’t leave me, would he? No way. That wasn’t Aston.
My lungs were working harder, tears already settling behind my eyes as I finally made my way to him, closing the distance. He was standing beside my clothes, his back to me, his arms by his hips now and hands closed into fists.
I stopped several feet away, panting like a wild dog, feeling like my world was caving in every second he didn’t acknowledge my presence. “Aston,” I let out.
He turned around and I saw the look of torment on his face. His eyes raked my body again and then he turned away and shook his head. “No, Elise, no talking. Put your clothes on and let’s go.”
“But we –”
“Elise,” he cut in sharply, his voice hoarse, “please.”
I didn’t move. I refused to. “We kissed, Aston. Was that…Was that a mistake? I mean, I thought there was something there –”
“It shouldn’t have happened. You’re my…” his voice lowered. “You’re my sister, Elise.”
“I’m not really your sister, Aston!”
“But you are.”
My shoulders slumped. “Then why did you let it happen?”
He didn’t respond. He just shook his head and ran his hand through his hair again, pulling at the ends.
“Because you wanted it to happen,” I answered for him. “You know you did. Why are we doing this to each other? It’s not wrong!”
“Elise –”
“I’ve loved you since we were kids, Aston! And I saw the way you looked at me! You’ve never been with a girl before! And I’ve never been with a guy before! I know it’s because we want each other. We can find a way. Tell me you want to try. Admit how you feel. Please!”
“It can’t happen!” he shouted, the veins in his neck protruding as he glared at me.
Hot tears flooded out of my eyes. I was so lost. I felt foolish, and I wished we hadn’t left that house, wished that I’d slept through his knocks and didn’t answer, that I never pushed him about girls, or let my wall drop.
Goddammit, why did I let my wall drop?!
He turned away from me, chest heaving. Shaking, I bent over and picked up my clothes. I slid back into my shorts and threw my shirt on. He watched me from his peripheral, his jaw clenched, and his body trembling. I slipped into my flops and walked past him. I felt him following, felt his presence right there behind me, and I felt suddenly so angry. I wiped the tears from my face and picked up speed. My humiliation was thick; I was sure he could smell it.
He remained close behind me – right there, giving me no escape – and I felt myself snapping from anger. I turned to him and shoved him back with all my might. He was a hard unmoveable wall, and he barely budged as I grunted and tried to push him away from me.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed at him.
He stepped back, letting my hands work to push him away. “El –”
“Don’t come near me! Leave me alone, Aston!”
“We’re going the same way, El.”
“Then keep your fucking distance.”
I’d never lost it at him before. I don’t think I’d ever lost it at anyone like this before. It was the humiliation, the shame, the raw feeling of rejection, of wanting someone so badly only for them not to want me back. It was all those things and more. I’d loved this boy more than a friend since I was nine years old, and he’d just called me his sister.
His fucking SISTER! I wanted to mutilate that word. I wanted it stricken from every fucking dictionary in the world. I wanted it to burnnnnn.
I turned my back to him and ran. I was already exhausted from our swim, but the fire within me fuelled me. My legs ached and I loved the feeling of it. Loved the pain in my chest and the cramps in my side. I cried as I took off uphill, the heat so brutal I almost threw up by the third block.
I knew he was following. I turned my head at one point and saw him running on the opposite side of the street, his head in my direction, watching me intently, protecting me in case something happened.
Always protecting me.
I pushed on, ignoring him. It felt like an eternity before I saw our house come into view. I didn’t bother kicking my flops off as I ran up the steps and pushed open the door. I stormed up to my room. If I woke my parents up, I didn’t give a flying fuck. I felt reckless, in need of destruction to balance out the pain.
When I reached my bedroom, I shut the door behind me and locked it. I was panting, disoriented, on the verge of passing out. I fell into my bed and brought my knees to my chest. I still smelled like the lake, smelled of rejection in the form of Aston. Could still feel his lips against mine. Could still feel the heat of his body wrapped around me. I held in my breath as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
You’re my sister, Elise.
I hated him. I hated him. I hated him.
“I hate you,” I rasped out slowly so I could taste those three acidic words.
Minutes later the knob turned unsuccessfully. I heard his heavy sigh from behind the door and the floorboards beneath his feet stressing. Shortly after that his bedroom door closed. I held my breath, listening to his every move, to him collapsing into his bed.
So close, yet so far away.
How did we get to this point so abruptly, so without expectation? I didn’t know. The world was bright just hours ago. It was promising and brilliant, and filled with hope. Now it was filled with regret and heartache. Story of my fucking life.
As I silently sobbed, emotions bleeding out of me, his knocks brought me back to the present.
Knock. Knock.
Silence. I pressed my forehead against the wall as tears fell.
Knock. Knock. He continued.
I didn’t answer.
Knock. Knock.
I stared at the wall numbly and didn’t knock back.