Noah Westlake
I sat up and peered around the room. What a fucking mess. I looked at the girl passed out next to me. I can't remember a thing from the night before. I barely remember anything past the moment I saw Natalie having lunch with Gregory. How fortuitous a detour forced my driver to go around that block at the same time Natalie had lunch with Gregory.
After that, all I remember was stopping at a hotel bar to get drunk and the next thing I know I’m in a room fucking some nameless chick.
I needed to check my messages. I remember texting Natalie in the middle of the night during my drunken anger, but then I shut down my phone. I stood up, and the girl next to me shifted her position.
I grabbed my suit jacket from off the floor and locked myself in the bathroom. I fished for my phone in the inside breast pocket of my suit jacket. I pressed the button and waited for it to activate. It beeped and binging repeatedly.
I tapped on the screen, read her message, and read it again. I frantically grabbed my clothes and got dressed while the stranger remained sleeping. I ran down to the lobby and yelled to the doorman to get my car. “Please hurry my daughter was in an accident.”
“Sir, you didn’t have a car. Your driver dropped you off.”
“Fuck, can you call me a taxi or a car service, whatever’s faster.”
I dialed Natalie’s cell, but it went straight to voicemail. I then tried Mrs. Ross’s cell. Her husband picked up the phone. “Bob, it’s Noah, what happened.”
“Noah, where have you been? Elaine has been looking for you?”
“I know, I know, what happened. Is she there?”
“She’s showering. She came home to take a little nap, but she’s going back.”
“Where’s my daughter?”
“She’s in the hospital. Go to UCLA; she’s there. Natalie and Elaine stayed there all night but then, um, let Natalie tell you what happened. I think it’s best.”
“Do you know if Erin is okay?”
“Elaine said she was improving. They did surgery on her. She’s in Pediatric ICU; she’s in good hands.”
“I have to go!” I hung up and waited for a car service. I paced in front of the hotel calling Natalie. It went straight to her voicemail.
Finally, a taxi pulled up. “UCLA Medical Center and the faster you get me there, the bigger tip I’ll give you.”
I felt a small sense of relief when I saw the hospital ahead. “Pull right up to the entrance.” I handed the guy a hundred dollar bill and jumped out. Once inside I pushed my way up to the desk. “Please, my daughter was in an accident yesterday. Can you tell me where she is?”
“Your name, sir?”
“Noah Westlake, my daughter is Erin and my wife is Natalie.”
The girl behind the desk punched at the keys on her computer. “Erin Westlake is in PICU, and Natalie Westlake is on the eighth floor.”
“Wait, Natalie is a patient. Erin was with my ex-wife, not Natalie. Why is Natalie a patient?” I processed that information out loud.
“Sir, I can only tell you what I see on the screen.”
“How do I get to PICU?”
“The elevator to the left and it’s the fifth floor.”
I walked up to the nurse’s station though I already spotted Erin through the glass walls. “I’m her father.” I pointed in Erin’s direction.
“Mr. Westlake, your wife has been trying to reach you all night.”
I felt like the biggest fuck up. I got drunk and fuck a stranger I picked up at a bar while my daughter and the woman I love needed me. A sick feeling washed over me. I looked around and ran for the nearest garbage can, which was behind the nurse’s station. I puked out my insides.
“Sir, are you okay?” One nurse asked while another ran towards me with a box of tissues.
“I’m fine… just my nerves. Can I go in? Is she okay?”
“Yes, go in, and I will page the doctor.”
“Thank you. Where is my wife?”
“They admitted her early this morning. All her levels dropped because she hadn’t eaten and the stress didn’t help, but I called up an hour ago, and she was fine, and the baby is fine, as well.”
“Baby?”
“Oh no, don’t tell me you didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
I walked away in a daze. I failed them all. My daughter almost died, my fiancé handled it alone because I didn’t know how to handle my jealousy and I tainted a beautiful moment in ours with my meaningless fuck.
I stood over my daughter’s hospital bed wanting to break something. I wanted someone to beat the shit out of me and leave me to die in a pool of my blood. I hated myself, and I couldn’t ever imagine feeling differently. I feared going upstairs to face Natalie, but I had to, and I deserved whatever the outcome would be.
Mrs. Ross came back to the hospital to sit with Erin. She looked at me with such pity when she walked into the hospital room. Mrs. Ross was the only woman who knew me most of my life and watched me fuck up, repeatedly, but never judged me. At least not out loud, but I’m sure she had definite opinions of me. This was the first time she looked at me with pity and disappointment in her expression.
“Go see Natalie.” There was a total absence of emotion in her voice.
When I arrived at the ninth floor, I asked the nurse at the desk which room was Natalie Westlake’s. She pointed to the corner. Walking over I braced myself for her rejection of me. I walked in to find Natalie sleeping. She looked beautiful. Her cheeks flushed, and her lips were cherry red. She looked so healthy even though she’d just been through a nightmare. I pulled a chair next to her bed and sat down. I stroked her hand while she slept. A few minutes later, her eyes opened. She looked at me and smiled then I watched as the past twenty-fours flashed before her eyes.
Her smile was gone. “Get Out.”
“No, Natalie, No,” I begged her.
“Get Out!”
“Natalie, I’m sorry. Please, I’m so sorry.” I dropped my head into her hand, but she pulled away from me.
“Noah, get out! Just get out! Leave me alone.” She sobbed into her hands.
I tried to touch her, but she smacked my hand away. “Leave, Noah.”
“Natalie I can’t. I fucked up. But I love you, and I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”
“Noah, you didn’t fuck up, you are fucked up! There is a big difference. To fuck up is to make a mistake. To be fucked up is to hurt someone you love in the cruelest, most deliberate way. And that’s what you do over and over again.”
“Please let me make it up to you. Give me another chance. We’re having a baby.”
“Right now I hate that I’m pregnant with your child.”
“You don’t mean that.” Her words cut through me.
“Noah, don’t you see I can’t be with you. And now walking away will be so much harder because I have a part of you growing inside of me.”
I grabbed onto her, wrapped my arms around, and broke down. “Natalie, please don’t walk away. I will do whatever it takes to make this right.”
“I don’t think you can and I can’t trust you not to hurt me. It’s the most painful experience when you leave me, and I don’t mean on a trip, I mean when you leave the sanctity of our love and go with one of your escorts. I’d prefer you’d hit me. The pain of being struck would be more bearable than the pain of your infidelity.”
I decided right then and there I would do whatever I had to keep her with me. “I won’t ever do that to you again.”
“How can I believe you?”
“I don’t know how to convince you but I beg you to give me a chance.”
“I need time away from you to think, and maybe, the time away from me will help you realize what you need.”
“But you're pregnant with my child, and I want to be a part of that. Erin will live with me full-time now, and she’ll want to be a part of that.” I realized how my life just changed. I finally have my daughter with me. “Please let me take care of you.”
“Yes, your life will change drastically.”
“And you won’t be Erin’s nanny anymore; you’ll be her stepmother. Pam will continue with her lessons.”
“Don’t jump ahead Noah. Before yesterday all that was true but today I don’t know if I can marry you.”
“Natalie, Please hear me out. I will do everything possible to make up for every moment I hurt you. I will try every day going forward to make you feel safe with me. All my life I felt nothing when I fucked a woman. I barely noticed the women I fucked, I can’t even point them out in a crowd of three people, I didn’t even know their names, and then you came along and changed that for me. I love you Natalie and I want only you. I reverted to my old behaviors of needing to make someone else hurt because I was hurting. I saw you with Gregory, and it made me sick. I won’t do that to you ever again.”
“Noah, I need to get away from you. I need to get a place of my own, and I need to be away from you.”
“No, I’ll give you space but not time away. I need to have you near me; I need you in my life.”
“Noah...”
“No! Natalie, I won’t let you.”
“Have you lost your mind? You can’t control this.” She pushed at my body and failed to budge me.
“Natalie, I’ll give you space but stay with us, please, if not for me for Erin. She lost her mother; I don’t want her to lose anyone else that she loves. They said they were releasing you this afternoon. Please let me take you home to our home.”
Before Natalie could answer, a heavy-set woman entered the room. She looked over at us and introduced herself as Sandra the day shift nurse. “Well, don’t you two look all snug in a bug in a rug?” She walked closer and extended her hand. “You must be Noah.”
“Yes, how do you know my name?”
“Because the evening nurse told me that Miss Natalie here was calling out your name all night in her sleep.”
The serrated knife I stuck in my heart twisted deeper by this revelation. I hurt the woman I love. She was crying for me in her sleep, and I was drunk in a hotel room fucking a stranger. I whispered in her ear. “I’m sorry Natalie.”
“Oh, what did he do?” Sandra looked at Natalie as she placed a blood pressure cuff on her arm.
“Sandra, I’m an asshole,” I admitted.
“Well, child get in line, all men are assholes.” Sandra proclaimed, and Natalie smiled at Sandra’s clear observation. “All that matters is what size of an asshole are you? Natalie, is he is a little asshole meaning he’s good most of the time, but sometimes he royally messes up or is he a big asshole which means he gets it wrong all the time?” She got in Natalie’s face. “Which one is he?”
Natalie didn’t answer right away, she was thinking about it then she answered. “When Noah messes up it’s hurtful, painful for the one on the receiving end which always is me but his core isn’t to be deliberately cruel, it’s almost impulsive.”
“Well, child sounds like you understand and love him even though he hurts you,” Sandra said to Natalie and then turned and slapped me on the back. “Child you need to pray on it. You don’t want to hurt the woman you love.” Sandra got right up in my face. “Do you love her?”
“Yes! I love her.” I turned to Natalie, “I love you, Natalie.”
“Ah, ya see, and we know she loves you the way she was crying for you last night.”
Standing next to Natalie’s bed, I reached down and grabbed her. “Natalie, It breaks my heart to hear that you were calling out for me and I wasn’t here for you.”
Natalie looked down at my hand holding hers. “We’ll talk about it, Noah. I want to get out of this room and go down to see Erin.”
“No worries, were discharging you within the hour, but the doctor may order you on bed rest. The doctor is on his way up, and then we will go over what you need to do for your baby. This is your first, right?”
“Yes. It’s my first and his first with me.”
I felt hopeful when she said those words out loud. I knew I had a lot of making up to do, but I didn’t want to miss any part of her pregnancy. I would do whatever it took to keep Natalie with me. I would make her happy. She deserved it and more.
About an hour later, the doctor left us. He ordered Natalie on bed rest for at least a month and wanted to see Natalie at the end of the four weeks. He advised me to take Natalie straight home and suggested that Natalie waited until Erin was home to see her. Mrs. Ross stayed at the hospital to sit with Erin while I brought Natalie home.
“She’s improving, Noah?” Natalie asked.
“Yes, she will come out of this okay.” I kneeled on the floor and slipped on Natalie’s shoes.
“Why don’t you have Mrs. Ross drive me home so you can stay with Erin.”
“Honey, she will be fine. I will get you settled and then I’ll come right back. I feel better knowing both my girls are in capable hands.” I took her hands, lifted her off the bed and settled her in the wheelchair. “Where are your car keys?”
She reached in her clutch and handed me her keys. The drive back to the house was awkward. It was the first time I ever felt that way around Natalie. Normally, she and I could be in comfortable silence, but now the air in her car felt heavy. My daughter was in the hospital, her mother was dead, the woman I loved was pregnant, and she hated me because I betrayed her.
“I don’t hate you, Noah.”
“What?” Was I thinking out loud?
“I don’t hate you. I’m sure that’s what you were thinking, but I could never hate you.” She paused and rested her hand on my thigh. “Many changes happened in a matter of one day, and I’m letting you know I need you to be a better man.”
“Natalie, I will do whatever it takes to be a better man for you, Erin, and even, myself.” Reaching down I covered her hand with mine. “I have everything I want and I won’t fuck this up, again.”
“I’m hoping you don’t but last night set us back.” She pulled her hand out from under mine and placed in on her lap. “I need time Noah. I want to stay in my room while on bed rest, and I need you to give me space and time.”
“I’ll give you time but not space. You are staying with me, we will coexist under the same roof, and I will not leave you.”
Natalie shook her head then turned to look out the passenger side window.
I pulled her car into the garage and walked around to the passenger side. Natalie waited for me to open her door. She looked at me and deep sadness and pain reflected in her eyes.
“May I kiss you?” I needed to feel that closeness with her.
“No.” Her face remained composed.
I barely moved away, “Natalie, I understand but can I at least express how happy I am that you and I are having a baby.”
“Yes. I'm not cruel Noah, I won't take that away from you and I didn't mean what I said in the hospital. I'm happy I'm having this baby with you because I know you are a good father.”
Cautiously, I moved my hands to her belly. She looked down and covered my hands with hers.
“Noah, I’m sure you want things to be how they were a few days ago, but I was serious when I said I need time. You’ve given me plenty of reasons to leave you; now I need one good reason to stay.”
I stepped back. “Natalie, I don’t have one. I can’t offer you one good reason you should stay with me, not evening telling you I love because I still hurt you even though I’m in love with you. All I can say, and this is not a reason for you to stay, but all I can say is that you are the only woman I would keep trying to change for. I knew it the moment I saw your face in the picture you sent with your resume and the letter you attached with it. I knew I wanted you and needed you in my life even though at the time I did not understand why.”
Natalie chose not to respond. I slid my arm around her waist. “Let me get you to bed.”
After I settled Natalie in her bed and set her up with the house phone, her cell phone, a snack, and a bottle of water. I kissed her forehead and told her I'd be back later. I had one foot out her bedroom doorway when she called me back. I think I knew what she would say, but I feared it more than anything in my life.
“Yes, Natalie.”
“Noah, I need to move out.”
I dropped my head and stared at the floor because I knew this was coming. “I understand. When?”
“We’ll get Erin settled in when she gets out of the hospital, I must stay here until the doctor takes me off bed rest then I’ll find an apartment, and we’ll tell her.”
“It’s not what I want.”
“I know, but you should have thought of that before you slept with a stranger last night.”
Natalie was right. I created this mess, and now I deserved everything that was happening. “I’ll take care of everything for you. I’ll pay for your house, and anything you need.”
“Thank you, Noah, but I’ll manage.”
“No. I’ll take care of everything.”
“Noah, I will need to find work so if you want to help me out, I would appreciate it but after I find a job, I don’t expect your help.”
“Natalie, is this over?” I thought she wanted time away to think, but this felt like our relationship ending.
“I don’t know what it is, Noah, but I have to live like you don’t exist in my life, in case one day that is my reality.”
“Natalie, no!” I demanded. “No.” I lowered my voice. “Natalie, please, this can’t be over.”
“Noah, go to Erin. Let me rest. We have time to talk.”
I studied her face. Her skin vibrant, her eyes glassy, and her features relaxed. She was a woman carrying life inside of her, and it showed on her face. “I’ll be back later, Natalie. I love you.”
She didn’t respond.
I arrived back at the hospital where Mrs. Ross was sitting next to Erin’s bed holding her hand. I whispered hello when I entered and Mrs. Ross stood from her chair. Her face stern and she walked towards me with a determined chin.
She stood in front of me reaching her face up to get a better look at my face.
She said nothing. The next thing I knew my cheek was stinging like I cut the skin and someone rubbed salt in it.
“You better not ask me why I did that.” Her mouth clenched tight and her lips barely moved when she talked.
“I don’t need to. I deserve that and more.”
Again, she struck me. “You’re right, and you deserve more than that.”
I rubbed my cheek and turned the other one for her to strike.
Instead, she grabbed me and threw her bony arms around me. “Noah, do you know how lucky you are?”
“I do now.” I squeezed her back. “I hate that it took all of this to make me realize it.”
“I’ve known you since you were a little boy and I have loved you as long. Your mother was crap, but I need you to know, and I should have said it years ago that I love you like you’re my son.” She stepped back and wiped the tears from her eyes.
I choked up, to think someone could love me like that. Then it felt like a ton of bricks hit me. No, Mrs. Ross didn’t hit me again. It was an emotional brick. It hit me that Mrs. Ross, Erin, and Natalie all love me unconditionally. I scooped Mrs. Ross up in my arms. “Thank you, Elaine, thank you for always being there. I love you, too. I will be a better man for all the women who love me unconditionally.”
She stepped back with our hands linked in front of us. “You already are a better man. Now, you have to learn to let the women in your life love you and stop pushing them away.”
“Natalie is moving out.” I blurted out.
“Let her. She needs time away from you.”
“I know. I don’t blame her.” How could I blame her? I threw her love for me back in her face.
“Noah, my dear, she’ll come back to you. She needs time and so do you.”
I knew Elaine was right, but I also knew myself. I could never give Natalie that much space.