My life has turned into a giant to-do list these past two weeks. The car is loaded. Check. I’ve given my two weeks’ notice. Check. Craig’s friend Kieran is going to be taking over the room. Shelby was notified of my departure via lawyers. My dad has cleaned out my old room to make space for a grown man’s belongings. My grand experiment, Parker 2.0, has blown up in my face. Check, check, check.

The day after Valentine’s, I called Ms. Grassi and told her that Mal and I had broken up, and that I would not be providing her with any information pertaining to them. I then informed her that I would be moving to Oklahoma as we had previously discussed. I think the ulcer in my stomach can be pinpointed to that exact moment.

Dad keeps saying Mom is thrilled that I’m coming home. I wish I had the balls to tell him to stop. I might be a sucker, but I’m not an idiot. He won already; there’s no need to continue with the manipulations. There was a time in my life when I would have fallen for it. Hell, probably most of my young adulthood was orchestrated by my father. At least this time I’m going into it with my eyes wide open.

When I first told Ben about my mom and my plans, he pulled me into his arms without hesitation. It almost broke me.

“I couldn’t have made it through these past months without you.”

Ben tightened his grip, even as he said, “Hey now, just because I’m hugging you doesn’t mean you need to get all mushy on me.”

“God, I so don’t want to go back to Oklahoma. I feel like my life is over before it even began.”

“You are not allowed to talk like that. The Parker I know stood up to his bitchy wife. He jumps into new adventures, whether they’re trying every single ale at New West Fest or hooking up with that cute twink you were dancing with at the gay bar.” I startled at that, but Ben kept me locked firmly in his grip, patting my head in a way that was half patronizing, half comforting. “Yeah, I know you thought I missed that. The point is, your life isn’t over if you don’t let it be.”

I was pretty sure that was the only time I’d have with the wise and serious version of Ben, so I’d let him hold me a little while longer.

Later, Zach and Ben tried to conspire to throw me a going away party, but I begged them not to do it. The only person I want to see before I leave doesn’t want to see me. I’ve rushed through this entire process, hoping to distract myself from that fact. A party with all our friends would only highlight that Mal wasn’t there. Or worse, they’d show up out of pity, and I’d spend the whole evening pretending to be fine with the way we left things.

The only bit of brooding that I have allowed myself regarding Mal is the decision I made about my bike. I’m leaving instructions with Craig to give it to Mal once I’m gone. If I can’t do it, I might as well help others live their lives to the fullest.

At Zach’s insistence, I compromised on a final pizza night, just the four of us, and no black olives anywhere.

Ben brings me a beer from the fridge while we wait for the pizza.

“At least Kieran plays video games. I’m so excited. I’m finally going to have a roommate I don’t have to take it easy on.”

Zach and I flip Ben off simultaneously.

“Have you warned Kieran, by the way?” I ask Craig, who shoots a pitying glance Ben’s way.

“I’ve already arranged for Zach to walk him through everything. I like Kieran too much to make him deal with a whiny Ben.”

“Yeah, that would have been nice.” I give a pointed look to Zach, who winces.

“Sorry, I was a little preoccupied then.”

“Yeah, yeah. Love will do that, I guess.”

I should have kept my mouth shut, because the look that passes between Zach and Craig at that statement is nauseating. Ben thinks so too, because he starts making gagging noises and grabs two game controllers.

“Here,” he says and hands one to Craig. “We can play until pizza gets here. I need some way to keep you two from making goo-goo eyes at each other, or else I’m not going to be able to keep my pizza down.”

The doorbell rings, and I’m happy to bolt up to get the pizza. Only it’s not pizza. Mal stands outside the door, shivering in a leather jacket, so I don’t think it’s from the cold.

God, I didn’t realize how hollow I felt without them until now.

“Can we talk?” they ask.

I look back into the living room, filled with video games and friends and noise. “Guys, I gotta go take care of something. I’ll be back,” I call to them over the noise. I don’t wait for a response, just grab my coat and shut the door behind me. “Let’s go for a walk.”

We walk side by side, minutes stretching under our silence.

“You weren’t going to say goodbye?” Mal finally says as we cross the street, walking past more apartments. There’s really nothing to walk to around here, so we just wander.

“I didn’t think you’d want me to,” I say, stuffing my hands farther into my coat pockets. It’s colder than I thought, especially with the sun disappearing behind the foothills. “I get why I was wrong, letting them use you like that, and I’m sorry. I should have put you first. Out of everyone in this whole fucking mess, I should have put you first.”

I know I apologized via text, but I feel it needs to be said again in person. Mal stops in the middle of the sidewalk and closes their eyes.

“Thank you,” they say, blinking rapidly. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

My feet start moving again, suddenly filled with restless energy after this latest development. If I stay still, I might not be able to keep my hands to myself.

“But I’m glad you’re going to be there for your mom,” they continue, following after me. “I know you’d regret it if you didn’t get as much time with her as you could. Shit, I might be leaving too. The job market is terrible, and there’s nothing keeping me here.”

They stumble on a sidewalk crack after saying it, and I reach out to steady them. It takes all the mental strength I possess to release them. I don’t want to let go.

Fuck, the yawning cavern inside me stretches impossibly wider. I can’t tell them that they were the only thing keeping me here too. That’s just bad decisions ready to be made all around. No, they’re right. I’ll regret it if I don’t spend time with my mom. My decision has been made, and I’m sticking to it.

“Maybe we can still keep in touch, though?” I ask, realizing that my voice is noticeably shaking.

“I’d like that. You can keep me updated on your Oklahoma adventures. And I do expect for there to be adventures. Don’t stop trying new things just because you’re back home, okay?”

I’m surprised to find us back in front of my apartment. I hadn’t even noticed that we circled the entire block. Mal’s truck looms over their shoulder, waiting to take them away from me.

Mal leans in for a quick hug, but before it can turn to more, they’re gone.

The pizza guy arrives while I stand dazed in the parking lot.

“What was that about?” Zach says when I return. Craig and Ben barely noticed I was missing, they’re so wrapped up in their video game until the smell of pizza hits them.

“Just needed to rearrange a few things in the car,” I say, lifting the boxes over my head to avoid the swarm. “Shit, I think I packed my pizza cutter.”

“Nerd,” Ben snickers.

“You’re going to miss my perfectly portioned pizza slices when I’m gone,” I say, pulling out a slice that is barely an inch wide.

Ben slings an arm around my neck and ruffles my hair. I try to bat him off, but to no avail.

“Yeah,” he sighs and says with a frown. Still messing with my hair, though. “I really am.”