Everything changed after that night. We were closer than ever…like real boyfriends without the fanfare. We didn’t change our relationship status on social media. We didn’t tell our friends and we sure as hell weren’t ready to tell our families, but our already intense chemistry was suddenly off the charts. We were a dominant duo in the pool. I was as aware of his presence in the water as I was on dry land. I knew where to pass the ball to ensure he scored and vice versa. Our teammates and coaches didn’t question our close connection in or out of the pool. Superstition alone kept the curious at bay. No one messed with success.

Best of all, we’d become masters at finagling sleepovers without alerting either of our roommates. Brent’s parents were in the midst of remodeling their mountain home, so he spent most of his free time helping them. And Evan was busy with football and some secret project he was working on at school. If I wasn’t preoccupied with my own secrets, I might have asked a few pointed questions. But I had my own life to worry about.

Although at the moment, it was pretty fucking amazing. I was head over heels in love and lust and admiration for Gabe. And yes, I did say “love.” Not to him, of course, but there was no reason to lie to myself. I loved him.

I loved his beautiful mind, his silly sense of fun, his quick wit and boundless energy. I could have listened to him talk for hours about his mom’s cooking, his anthropology class, or some dickwad ball hog on the national team. And I could have happily sat on the sideline and watched him glide across the pool, cutting through the water with brisk, even strokes. He mesmerized me. But nothing compared to being naked with him moving inside me. Or me inside him. We did it all and we did it as often as possible, but we still couldn’t seem to get enough.

It was harder than it should have been to keep my hands to myself. Gabe was worse than me. He had a habit of linking his pinky finger with mine when he thought no one was looking…in line at the grocery store, walking on the boardwalk, on the team bus. He was famous for stealing kisses in front of random places—like the ice cream store at the mall or the alcove next to a restaurant bathroom. And if I knew him, he’d stick his tongue down my throat the second he parked his car on campus in the packed lot under a tree.

He turned off the engine and took a cursory glance at our surroundings before capturing my face in his hands and kissing me senseless. I swore I saw stars when he finally pulled away.

I fiddled with the zipper on my jacket, clandestinely adjusting my dick as I shot a faux-admonishing look at him. “Someone’s going to see us, Gabe.”

He rolled his eyes. “Unless they have a high-powered microscope and can see through those trees, I doubt it. Everyone’s in class and you better get going, or you won’t get your favorite seat…unless Amanda saves it for you,” he added with a teasing grin.

“Ha. I think she dropped the class. She ignored me at Chelsea’s party last weekend, which hopefully is a sign she’s moved on. Chels thinks she’s seeing someone. Then again, Chelsea thinks everyone is in the midst of a big love affair.”

“Does she think we are?” he asked with a lopsided grin.

“She knows we are.” I shrugged when he gave me a sharp look. “She’s one of my best friends. She won’t say a word.”

“I’ve got too many other things on my mind. My biology test this afternoon, my dad’s visit this weekend. Did I tell you he’s coming for the UCLA game?”

“You mentioned it.” More than once.

Gabe claimed his father’s attention was a distraction at this point in life, but I had a feeling that wasn’t necessarily the case. I knew from experience; it was hard to let go of parental expectation. We were nearing the holidays, and I hadn’t told my folks about Gabe and me. They knew we were friends, but I left it at that for the same reason I hadn’t told Evan. I was protective of us. I wasn’t ready for the real world to give their opinion—good, bad, or indifferent.

“Hmm. Kiss me,” he growled, pulling me against him greedily.

I melted into the connection, loving the feel of his scruff on my cheek and his soft lips. I lingered longer than I should have before pushing him back.

“I should go,” I said.

“Okay. See you at practice.”

I nodded, then took another peek out the windows before leaning in to kiss him once more. It was a brief touch of lips. No big deal. But the urge to add a quick “I love you” was stronger than ever. It made me want to stay there, just to be near him. We didn’t have to talk. We could just…be.

I finally opened the car door and stepped outside with an absent wave. It was cooler today than it had been all season. I glanced at the three giant palm trees and two amber trees standing sentry near the econ building. The orange leaves of the amber juxtaposed to the green palms might have been jarring anywhere else in the country, but they were commonplace in Southern California. My thoughts bounced precariously as I made my way along the wide path.

Orange leaves, turkey dinner, holiday shopping…I turned the corner and promptly bumped into someone.

“Oh shoot. I’m sorry. Let me get that. I—” I picked up the book the stranger dropped, then straightened…and froze. “Amanda. Hey. Are you heading into class?”

“Hi. No. Well, yes, I am going to class, but mine starts in thirty minutes.” She tossed her long hair over her shoulder and glanced back toward the parking lot before flashing a tepid smile.

Something in the tilt of her chin and her stiff posture made me wary. I hooked my thumb toward the lecture hall, wishing I was safely ensconced inside. “I thought you were taking global econ,” I said, stepping aside for a student rushing for the door.

“No. I sat in on a few lectures, but…I decided it might not be for me.”

I sensed an underlying message, but I sucked at guessing games. “Oh. No wonder I haven’t seen you lately.”

“I’ve been around. You just haven’t noticed,” she replied cryptically. “Water polo games, on campus, at parties…”

“Right. I saw you at Chelsea’s last weekend,” I said awkwardly as I stepped backward. “Um…I should—”

“Are you gay?” she blurted.

I stopped in my tracks. Blood drained from my face so fast that I felt faint. I swallowed around the cotton balls lodged in my throat and squinted.

“Why are you asking me that?” I hated my wobbly tone but on the other hand, I was surprised I could speak at all.

“I’ve noticed…things.”

I huffed in a lame attempt to suggest she had a great imagination, though my panicky expression probably gave me away. I needed to muster a little bravado. Something that clearly said “think what you want” before I walked away with my head high. Unfortunately my mouth and brain were not in sync.

“What kind of things?”

“You and Gabe are always together. You smile at him all the time, and you touch him a lot.”

“Touch him?” I repeated weakly.

“Yes. Arms, shoulders…ass.” She sighed theatrically, then pursed her red lips before continuing. “To be perfectly blunt, my question is more of a formality, Derek. I know you’re gay…or bi. I just need to hear you say it.”

“Why?”

“Because you owe it to me,” she snapped.

“Owe you? How do I—”

“I loved you, and you broke my heart. You were so casually cruel with your ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit. I gave you space all summer. I didn’t crowd you. I waited for you, but you’d moved on…with a guy.” She drew out those three words menacingly, stabbing a painted fingernail at my chest. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but I followed you and—”

“You followed me?”

“Yes. I’ve seen you and Gabe all over town…at the beach, the market, the mall, at parties, and at games.”

“We’re friends, Amanda.”

“Friends who fuck,” she countered. “You must be. I’ve seen you kiss when you don’t think anyone is around. Don’t bother lying. I just saw you making out in his car a few minutes ago.”

“So you’ve been spying on me,” I said in true Captain Obvious fashion.

In my defense, I didn’t know what to do or say. My heart was beating against my chest like a fucking jackhammer. Any second now I’d start babbling, if I wasn’t careful. I didn’t care what she thought about me, but I had to protect Gabe. He was infinitely better at pressure situations than I was, but he wasn’t ready to come out. Not now. Not like this.

“I didn’t spy, but I’ve been curious. Trust me, I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Your teammates might not say anything to your face, but they suspect something is up. Ask Troy. Or don’t. Look, I didn’t want to do this here but when I saw you kissing in the parking lot…” Amanda bit the inside of her cheek and sniffed before continuing with a pained expression. “I just want to know if he’s the real reason we didn’t make it.”

I gulped around the rising bile in my throat and gave her a harsh once-over. “Gabe has nothing to do with us. He’s my friend and teammate but that’s all. Leave him out of this,” I growled angrily.

“Hey, I didn’t say I was going to tell anyone. I don’t care if you’re gay or bi but I have a right—”

“You have no rights to my life. None. I don’t owe you anything. Say what you want about me but leave him the fuck alone.” I held her gaze for a long moment, then turned up the path and started walking.

I passed the econ building, the engineering building, the science building, and kept walking. I couldn’t see straight, and my mind had gone from holiday frivolity to a jumbled mess. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. Not Gabe. Not yet anyway. I had to handle this without freaking him out. I felt so…violated. I couldn’t believe Amanda had followed me, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed. I’d been looking at Gabe while everyone else had been looking at me. And I’d been perfectly oblivious.

Holy fuck. I may have ruined his life, his career, his—

“Hey, Vaughn. You here to get some extra laps in?” Coach Burton stood at the gate outside the aquatic center.

I looked up in a daze at the familiar signage. I’d walked clear across campus yet somehow, I wasn’t surprised. This was my happy place. At least it used to be.

“Um…no. I—”

“Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“Yeah. I—no. No, actually I’m not okay. I’m sick. I’m not gonna make it to practice today.”

Coach stepped into my space. He looked more like a worried parent than a badass coach. “Is something bothering you?”

I shook my head emphatically and tried a smile. It wasn’t pretty, but I figured I’d get points for effort. “No. Everything’s fine,” I lied.

“Take care of yourself, Vaughn. We need you.”

I inclined my head, then turned to the gate and started moving. And I didn’t stop.

Block after block, through business and residential sections. From good parts to bad parts and back again until I could see the ocean in the distance. It took well over an hour to get home. I didn’t mind. I needed the time to think, clear my head, and come up with some sort of plan. By the time I opened my front door, I hoped to have one. I didn’t. I was more confused than ever.

No. That was too kind. I was a fucking mess.

I turned off my cell and concentrated on homework and did my best not to stare at my watch, mentally ticking down the minutes until practice began and Gabe realized I hadn’t shown up. He’d know something was wrong. Fuck. That wasn’t cool. I didn’t want him to worry. I turned my phone back on and almost dropped it when it lit up like a Christmas tree with texts and voice messages from Chelsea, Troy, Evan…and Amanda. And one from Gabe.

Where r u

I stared at his name on my cell and thought about how to respond. I typed and erased three possible versions of Everything is cool. Don’t worry, and was putting the finishing touches on a fourth when my doorbell rang. I went perfectly still for a moment and was rewarded with silence, then a nonstop barrage of knocking and ringing.

I jumped off my bed and hurried to answer the door, poised to yell at whoever was standing on the other side. The overzealous junior high schooler selling chocolate bars, the neighbor whose kid threw another ball in my yard, or who wanted to borrow sugar…I was prepared for anything. Except Gabe.

“What are you doing here?”

Gabe set his hands on either side of the doorframe and glowered at me. “I’m looking for you. What the fuck is going on?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, blatantly stalling.

Why was he here? I didn’t know what I was doing yet. I didn’t have a plan. I only had problems.

Gabe cocked his head. The slight movement was vaguely dangerous. “Coach said you were sick. I guess he saw you and thought you looked pale. Then Troy overheard our conversation and—are you sick?”

“Um…come inside,” I said, gesturing for him to enter. I moved into the kitchen and paused in front of the sink. “Do you want some water or something?”

I remembered asking that same question the night he’d brought me home a few months ago. If I hadn’t been drunk, I would never have accepted a ride home from him that night. We weren’t friends. He was the enemy. My nemesis. He was dangerous. Everyone said so. Yet I’d invited him inside and…everything had changed. I’d changed. Or maybe I’d simply opened my eyes. He’d challenged me and made me aware of a whole new side of myself. One I knew existed but didn’t want to face.

And now…I didn’t know how to be myself and protect him. I’d been wrong all along. I was the dangerous one.

“No, thanks.” Gabe stepped into my space and set his hand on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

“That’s not how you’re supposed to read a temperature.”

Gabe rolled his eyes. “Fine. Where’s your thermometer? Would you prefer it under your tongue, in your armpit…or in your ass?”

“I’m not sick. I don’t need my temperature taken,” I said in a low voice.

He crossed his arms and leaned on the counter. His black pullover accentuated his broad shoulders and muscular biceps. I noted the way the late afternoon sun streamed through the window, highlighting his stubbled jaw. Fuck, he was beautiful. I wanted to brush my face against his, pull his arms open and curl against his chest where I belonged. I wanted to block out the excess noise and outside world. They shouldn’t have a say here. This was ours. And I wasn’t ready for this to end.

“Tell me what’s going on, Der.”

“Amanda saw us together.”

“So…is that a problem? I don’t get it.”

I huffed incredulously and paced to the refrigerator and back again. “She saw us in your car this morning. She’s been following me. She knows about us.”

“Oh.” He furrowed his brow and then rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “That must be what Troy meant.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “What did he say?”

“Something about seeing you talking with her and…a rumor.”

“What kind of rumor?”

“You know…stupid shit people say when two guys spend a lot of time together.”

“That we’re gay,” I supplied, coming to a stop a foot away from him.

I studied his handsome face and saw the fear and longing coalesce. This was new to me, but it wasn’t new to Gabe. I felt his pain layered on top of my own. I hated that someone so strong and vibrant had cause to worry about being considered “less than” because of his sexuality. I hated that he’d become accustomed to covering up or downplaying one of the best parts of himself.

“I guess they know about us,” he whispered in a faraway tone.

I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood. “This is my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Gabe stepped closer and brushed a tear from my cheek. “Hey, don’t do that, baby. It’s going to be okay.”

“How?” I swallowed hard and let out an aggravated sigh.

“Nothing changes. We’re just going to do our thing. Go to school, go to practice. We’re not gonna worry about it. What we do is no one else’s business,” he said firmly.

“Yeah, but that’s not how it works. And if we weren’t at the end of our season and you weren’t on the national team, maybe this wouldn’t matter.” I pushed my hand through my hair in frustration. “She said she wouldn’t tell anyone, but I don’t trust her. The timing sucks and—”

“The timing is always going to suck.” He hollowed out his cheek with his tongue and stared at something beyond my shoulder before refocusing. “But I can’t change who I am. I don’t know how to do this, though. When you Googled gay sex, did you Google ‘how to come out’ too?”

I cocked my head curiously. “You want to come out?”

“I don’t think I have a choice,” he sighed. “Announcing it seems like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll just start wearing Pride T-shirts around campus. It’ll be a conversation starter. I saw one I kinda liked online that said ‘I prefer…’ and had a picture of a rooster. I mean, a cock. That oughta—”

“This isn’t a joke, Gabe.”

“No. But it’s also not the end of the world.”

“It might be the end of something else.”

Gabe narrowed his eyes and gave me a sharp look. “Like what?”

“Everything you’ve worked for. You can’t disrupt your life like that or blow your shot at your dream. It’s not right.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Look, I didn’t go to practice today because I needed some space to think about what might happen. My parents will be surprised and confused, but they’ll probably be more freaked out about me not working for my dad than being bi. When the season ends, my water polo career is over. If I lose friends, they aren’t my real friends anyway. In a few months I’m going to graduate, and everything is going to change again. I have nothing to lose, but you do. I won’t stand in your way.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked in cocking his head in confusion.

I pursed my lips and swallowed hard. “It’s not what I want, but—I can’t be with you and act like I don’t care. I’m in too deep, Gabe. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I always thought I was honest to a fault, but I’ve been living a lie. Maybe I had good reason. It was new and I was scared, and I didn’t want to rock the boat. But I can’t go on like this, and I can’t ask you to give up any portion of your dream for me.”

“Hang on.” Gabe held his hand up and shook his head. “So…you’re coming out, but you don’t want me to?”

“Yeah. If Amanda tells anyone she saw us kiss, I’ll say it was me coming on to you. Embarrassing for you because we’re teammates, blah, blah, blah…but you’re a cool guy and you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I’ll be last week’s news in no time. People will forget me by graduation. And when they talk about you, they’ll talk about your killer cross-cage shot and how you’re going to kick ass in the next summer Olympics. Not who you sleep with. That’s how it should be. And that’s what I want for you.”

Gabe stared at me for a long moment. “You’d do that for me? Draw attention to yourself and potentially sacrifice your reputation…to save mine?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“I love you.”

We stared at each other in shock for a moment.

Fuck. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. I opened my mouth to downplay the sentiment, but I couldn’t do it. I did love him. Completely and without reservation. And I’d do anything for him.

“Then why do you want me to go?” he asked.

The pain in his voice surprised me. I bit my lip and swiped at a tear in the corner of my eye. “I don’t. It’s just the way it has to be for now.”

“There’s got to be another way. I don’t want to lose you, Der.”

I reached out to tentatively caress his cheek. “You’ll never lose me. I’ll always be here for you. It’ll just be different. For now.”

“I don’t want different. I want us…the way we are.”

“Just for now.”

“Der…baby…” He pulled me against his chest and held me tightly.

I clung to his shirt and let out a pained sob. I was afraid to release him, but the weight of our combined pain was almost too much to bear. One of us had to let go.

After a minute or so, I pushed back gently and swiped my hand across my nose when I heard the front door clicked open. Evan’s footsteps reverberated on the hardwood flooring. Any second now he’d walk in. Just what I needed.

“You should leave.”

Gabe’s nostrils flared. He looked angry and upset and on the verge of losing his shit. His eyes were wet with unshed tears. Fuck, he was breaking my heart.

“I’m gonna figure this out. I—I’ll find a way. Trust me,” he whispered fervently. He held my gaze intently before walking away.

I froze in place. I heard low voices in the next room, but I couldn’t make out words above the rush of blood to my head.

What had I done? Was this over? It wasn’t right.

I turned abruptly and grunted a greeting when Evan walked into the kitchen. I was aware of him moving behind me. The refrigerator opening, the front door closing. Normal everyday sounds while my world fell to pieces around me. The jarring contrast was so fucking wrong. And why did it suddenly hurt to breathe? I let out a ragged rush of air and tried to pull myself together. Fast. Evan was going to start asking questions any second now and—

“What’s not right?” he asked, as if on cue.

I didn’t bother turning around. “Huh?”

“You just said, ‘It’s not right.’ Are you okay?”

I shrugged, then headed down the hallway toward my room. Evan moved in front of me and shot his arm out to bar me from entering.

“What are you doing?” I slinked under his arm and pointed my finger, wordlessly asking him to get out.

Because he was Evan, he stepped around me and flopped onto my mattress with an expectant look.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on,” he said matter-of-factly. “What’s up with you and Gabe?”

I backed up and leaned against the wall with my arms crossed. “Just water polo stuff. No big deal,” I bluffed.

His gaze traveled slowly from my shoes to my face. He made eye contact with me briefly, then looked away. “Will it make it easier if I tell you I already know?”

I opened and closed my mouth twice before moving to my bed. I grabbed my pillow and held it against my chest like a shield, then swallowed hard. Fuck, could this day possibly get any worse?

“What do you know?” I croaked, licking my suddenly dry lips.

“You’re gay, and he’s your boyfriend.”

I didn’t respond right away. The certainty in his tone made it clear my confirmation was merely a formality. I let out a deep sigh and fell forward, bracing my elbows on my knees.

“Mmm.”

“Am I close?”

“Does it matter?” I countered.

“Not to me. It would have been nice to hear it from you instead of—”

“Who told you?”

Evan scrunched his nose and made a funny face. “Nobody told me. I’ve got ears, dude. I know what sex through the walls sounds like, and I know the only person who comes over regularly is Gabe. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put the pieces together. So are you…a couple?”

“No.”

“Did you just break up?” he asked gently.

“I guess we did.” I stared at Evan’s scuffed Nikes and willed myself not to break down when tears welled in my eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Evan…” I held my breath for a moment, then sighed heavily. “I don’t know how to talk to you or anyone about this. Yes, I’m gay or bi or whatever but—”

“That’s cool. You know no one really cares anymore, right? I mean, love who you want. Be true to yourself.”

“It would be nice if it was that simple,” I scoffed.

“Why isn’t it? You wouldn’t be the first gay or bi athletes to come out. And it might actually help younger people going through the same thing. If you’re ready…I guess.”

“I don’t really have a choice. Amanda cornered me today and I—”

“What’d she say?” Evan’s forehead creased indignantly.

I briefly filled Evan in on my confrontation with my ex. “I don’t know who she’s going to tell or if she’ll say anything at all, but I won’t let her take my story away from me. It’s mine.”

“So you’re going to come out?”

“Yes.”

“And what about Gabe? You aren’t doing this alone, are you?” he asked, his forehead creased in confusion.

“Coming out isn’t a team sport, Ev. It’s personal and it has to feel right and be right and…”

“You’re not ready, are you?” Evan whispered.

“No. I’m so fucking scared.” I swallowed around the grapefruit in my throat as tears welled in my eyes.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Maybe.…My parents are going to be weird, and my grandmother might not talk to me again. She’s super conservative. Then there’s my team. Those guys are like brothers to me. Maybe it’ll be fine, but you never know. Sometimes people tell you they’re cool but they aren’t really and”—I paused to suck in a deep breath—“everything’s gonna change before I’m ready, and I might lose it all.”

“You’re not gonna lose me, man. I’m here for you. I always will be.” Evan put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“I mean it. I’ll walk in to that locker room with you and kick ass if I have to. Don’t think I won’t,” he said menacingly.

I chuckled and pushed him away. “I believe you. Thanks, Evan. But I’ve got this.”

Who was I kidding? I didn’t have shit. I had no idea how to come out. I spent that night Googling coming out stories for ideas. There were so many ways to go about this. I could update my status on social media, post a video on YouTube, write a letter, bake a cake…the options were endless. None of them were for me. I wasn’t flashy enough to pull off fabulous. I thought about getting Mitch’s number from Chelsea and asking his story, but that would entail so much…talking. If there was a way to do it once and get it over with, I was on board. If not, I had to take one bite at a time. And I might as well start with the hardest piece first.

The following day I put together a short itinerary that went something like this: Skip practice, skip class, eat lunch, make banana bread, skip class and skip practice again. Make a brief appearance at the end of the second practice, come out, field questions. Go to the market, buy chocolate, and eat feelings.

I thought about telling my folks sometime during the day, but it seemed like the kind of message that required a more personal touch. I wasn’t sure I could handle an awkward phone conversation in my current headspace anyway. It was better to mentally prepare cutting myself open in front of a fierce group of college-age athletes. My peers, my teammates, my friends. With any luck, I’d still have a few who wouldn’t look at me differently when I assured them I was still me. Just a more honest version.

Like it or not, my quest for a new start couldn’t begin until I confronted my fear and dishonesty head on. I had so many speeches racing through my head. Hopefully this first one would go well. I sat on a bench under a tree outside the social ecology building and stared at a leaf stuck to the bottom of my shoe. The pointed edges were wilted and torn. I lifted my foot to dislodge it just as a shadow fell over me. I glanced up and nodded a greeting before patting the empty space beside me.

“Hi,” I said.

“What do you want, Derek?” Amanda asked in a hollow-sounding tone.

“This is for you.” I handed her a loaf of banana bread wrapped in foil.

“You made banana bread.” She stared at the seam in the foil for a long moment before looking at me with tears in her eyes.

“I want to apologize. You were right. I owed you the truth. Not yesterday but…in June. I couldn’t be honest with you because I wasn’t honest with myself. I hurt you and…I’m sorry.”

“So you are gay.”

“I’m bi.”

She was quiet for a moment. Then she pushed her long hair over her shoulder and regarded me curiously. “I would have been okay with that. We could have been okay.”

“Thanks for saying that, but it’s not true.”

“It is true. I loved you. And you loved me…at least for a while. If you’d just told me—”

“Mandy, it wasn’t that easy. It’s taken me a long time to say the word ‘bi’ out loud. I wasn’t ready then, and I couldn’t have been the real me with you until I was out. I guess our timing was off. That’s my fault. You said you agreed we were over, but I should have noticed that you weren’t. I should have been more sensitive. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I was too self-absorbed. I didn’t mean to be callous or cruel. And I never meant to hurt you. I swear. I want you to be happy. You’ll find the right guy. I’m sorry it’s not me.”

“Oh, Derek.” Amanda threw herself into my arms and sniffed. I closed my eyes and held her close while she cried.

I felt bad I’d caused her sorrow, but I didn’t love her in the same way, at the same time, or to the same degree. Perhaps our story would have been different if I’d been braver. But then I wouldn’t have known Gabe the way I did now. And I wouldn’t have acknowledged the other part of me. I’d still be in the dark.

Now I was something closer to free.

At four fifteen I strode purposefully into the empty locker room. I didn’t have a workout bag with me today. No towel, no Speedo…nothing that marked me as “one of the guys.” I wasn’t part of a team at the moment. I was alone in the deep end, hoping I remembered how to swim when this was over.

I headed for my locker out of habit as Eminem pumped me up and encouraged me to lose myself and seize my moment. I bopped my head to the beat and let the cadence build as I paced around the row of benches. Up one side, down the next. You got this. You can do this. I raised my fist in the air as I rounded a metal bench for another lap and ran into a brick wall or a—

“What are you doing here?” I asked. “You should be in the pool.”

Gabe fastened his towel around his waist and shook the excess water from his hair, then locked his gaze on me. The intensity in his stare overwhelmed me. It was like he was speaking without words, but I couldn’t understand him with my head whirling in twenty directions at once. I ripped my earbuds out and stuffed them into my sweatshirt pocket and motioned for him to answer.

“I was in the pool. I saw you walk in.” He paused as he stepped closer to me. “And I wanted to talk you. Alone.”

“Oookay.”

“Der, I know what you’re going to do and—”

“Don’t try to stop me,” I warned, narrowing my gaze. “I won’t mention your name at all. I promise. But this is important to me. It’s something I need to do. I’ve been up all night asking myself if this mattered. I could blow off any rumor Amanda started and pretend to be insulted anyone would suggest I’m gay. But I don’t want to live like that. I’m not giving her or anyone else the upper hand. I won’t let them say I’m less than or unworthy. I’m not,” I hissed.

Gabe raised his hands in surrender and gave a lopsided grin. “I know who you are. And I won’t try to stop you. I love you, Der.”

I cocked my head. “Love?”

He closed the distance between us until he stood directly in front of me. Bare feet next to a pair of black and white Vans. My fully clothed state should have given me some sort of advantage, but I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life.

“Yes. I love you. And I did some thinking too. I—” He glanced toward the door and then back at me. “Shoot. They’re coming. We can talk after. Just know that whatever you say, I’m on your side, baby.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion when he stepped away just as the rest of our team filed into the locker room.

“Hey, Vaughn. What’s your deal? If you’re sick, stay the fuck away from me, man,” Troy said, offering me a fist bump anyway.

“I’m fine,” I assured him.

I greeted a few more of the guys and then jumped on a bench and whistled loudly to get everyone’s attention. No one looked alarmed or even curious. After practice powwows were a norm. They probably thought I’d popped in to give a team pep talk and remind everyone to keep playing hard even though I’d basically taken two days off. I had maybe three minutes before they were itching to head to the showers and get the fuck out of here.

I cast my gaze over the dozen or so guys looking my way. “Um…I have something to tell you. I had a speech but honestly, I forgot half of it. I’ve known most of you for years. You guys are my brothers. I care about you and I hope we stay in touch after graduation and—”

“What the fuck? Are you quitting?” Jason asked.

I shook my head in response. “No, I’m not quitting. I’m not sick. I’m not going anywhere and there’s nothing wrong. I’m…” I swallowed hard around the instant wave of nausea before blurting, “I’m gay. Actually, I’m bi. And I just…I wanted you to hear it from me. Any questions?”

Silence. I wasn’t sure if that was a relief or cause for concern. Then someone cleared his throat behind me.

“Yeah. Will you go out with me?”

I jumped from the bench and turned to face Gabe. What the hell was he doing? “Why would I go out with you?”

“ ’Cause I have a crush on you and I happen to be bi too,” Gabe replied matter-of-factly.

“He’s being an asshole.” Troy stepped between us and shot a warning look at Gabe before turning to me. “Don’t listen to him. Hey, gay, straight, white, black, any color in between, including polka dot…you’re one of us. We got your back, man.”

“I do too.” Gabe pushed Troy aside and moved in front of me. He’d changed into a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips. His abs were a thing of beauty. Fuck…he was gorgeous. He gave me a wicked nervous smile, then pulled a white T-shirt over his head and smoothed it over his chest so I could clearly see “Out and Proud” emblazoned in rainbow lettering on the front. “I couldn’t find the cock shirt but I figured this’ll do. Hey, I may be an asshole sometimes, but I’m one hundred percent serious. I’m with you, Der. We’re not waiting for the right time. We’re going to make it right. And if you’re diving into the deep end, I’m coming with you.”

I grinned and pulled him into a hug. I kept it brief. I’d said what I’d needed to say. It was time to go. The room broke into a flurry of gasps and hoots followed by a round of raucous cheering when Gabe followed me out of the locker room.

We walked side by side onto the pool deck and out the gate. Gabe grabbed my wrist when we reached a tall hedge. It wasn’t much but it provided a modicum of privacy between the parking lot and the aquatics center.

“Did we just come out?” he asked in an awed tone.

I nodded, smiling at the wonderment in his voice before pulling him against me and crashing my mouth over his. I held him close, reveling in his nearness. When we broke for air, I rested my forehead against his for a moment.

“You weren’t supposed to do that, Gabe.”

“But it felt right. I was thinking about it last night and…being out scares the shit out of me, but being without you…that sounds like hell. I can’t do that.”

“What about the national team and going to the Olympics and your family?”

“My mom will be fine. My dad won’t be, but that’s his problem. I seriously doubt I’ll lose my place on the team. They need me. But I’m willing to work harder than ever to prove myself. Because truth matters. We matter. But if I never get a shot at gold, I’d still be a winner. Nothing else matters if I can’t have you, Der.”

“That’s so…goofy,” I said, unable to keep the emotion from my voice.

Gabe laughed and brushed a tear from the corner of my eye. “It’s true, though. In a way, I’ve been thinking about it my whole life, plotting and planning the right time and the right way to deliver my message. It’s no one’s business, and it pisses me off that we’re put in a position of having to explain ourselves. But you…you didn’t hesitate. That’s so fucking brave. I don’t know anyone else like you. You’re a quiet, courageous leader with a big heart, and I’m loud and cocky and I like things done my way. But somehow we fit. And I knew from the moment we met, you were special. I didn’t know you’d be mine but you are. I can’t let you go now.”

“I love you,” I whispered as I tilted my head and fused my lips against his.

We clung to each other in the shadows for a long moment. Then he slipped his hand into mine, and we headed for the parking lot. No one looked our way. No one seemed to care about the two guys holding hands. For most people, this was an average Wednesday. For me, it was the biggest day of my life. Sure, I was nervous as hell. Neither of us knew what the future held. We hadn’t solved any major problems or conquered the world…yet. But we were in this together. And this felt like a promising place to begin.