Outside, the wind is howling around the small snow shelter I’ve built against the rocks, but it barely touches us inside.  Only tiny wisps of snow blow about the round entrance.  Cramped and chilled, though warm enough not to die from exposure, the two of us huddle together under both of our parkas, and I try to figure out the most sensible questions to ask an elusive personality.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“I’m fine.”

All right, that was kind of a stupid question.  I pause for a long moment, trying to remember everything I know about Netti and find my information fairly lacking.  I should have written down a bunch of notes like I have in the past with mystery novels.  Maybe then I would know what the important questions are.

“Netti?”  I need the clarification.

“Yes?”

“You should pull your knees up a little closer to your chest.”  I breathe in and out slowly.  “Less exposure to the snow below us, and spooning will keep you the warmest.”

“All right.”

She pulls her legs up and presses her back against my chest.  I wrap both arms around her and hold her close, nestling my face near her neck.  I let go of her for a moment to adjust the parkas above us, trying to give us maximum warmth and also enough fresh air to breathe.

Now for the hard part.

“Can I ask you something, Netti?”

“Of course.”

“I want to ask you…I want to ask you about Seri.”  My heart begins to beat a little faster as I wait for her to answer.

“That’s not a question,” she finally says.

“You know about Seri though, don’t you?”

“Yes.”  She nods her head slightly.

“You know about Seri, but she doesn’t know about you.”

“That wasn’t a question, either.”

“But it’s true?”  I need her to say it clearly, or I won’t believe it.  I’m not entirely sure I believe what seems to be going on here, anyway.

There’s a long pause before she speaks again.

“Yes, I know about Seri.  Seri doesn’t know about me.”

“What about…what about Iris?”

“Iris is aware.”

“Of both of you?  I mean, Iris knows about you and Seri?”

“Yes.”

“Why doesn’t Seri know?”

“Seri must be protected.”  Netti turns her head, but it’s too dark to read her expression.  “She’s the important one.”

“So, she’s the…the primary person?”  I have no idea if this is the right term, but it seems as good as any.

“In a sense, yes.”

“How can she be the primary person if she doesn’t know about you and Iris?”

“Seri is the important one,” she says again in her flat, toneless voice.  “We only come out when she needs us.  When she has this need, she sleeps.”

“And then she doesn’t remember what happened?”

“Yes.”

“Like she…she doesn’t remember that she and I…I mean, Iris and I…”  Fuck.  I have no idea how to put this shit into words.  Even as I say it, it sounds insane.  It is insane.

“She is not aware of your interactions with Iris.”

“Yeah,” I mutter.  “That.  How can she not know?”  I take a long breath and adjust my position on the rough ground.  I don’t understand how Seri can wake up the next day and not realize we’ve had sex, but I don’t want to say something so blunt.  I feel like I’m standing on very thin ice with a deep marsh below me.  “I mean, she has to realize time has passed, right?”

“Seri…compensates.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It might be best to give you an example,” Netti says.  “Iris made the decision to go to Canada.  She wanted to get as far away as possible to an area where no one would look for her.  She made the decision to go north of Calgary.  Seri rationalized that she just wanted to get away from city life and people.  She is not aware of the real reason we left.”

A chill runs through me, but it’s not from the temperature.

“Who is trying to find her?” I whisper against her hair.  “Is Seri…trying to hide from someone?”

“No, Seri is not,” Netti says quietly.  “We needed a fresh start.”

I tense a little and hold my breath as I contemplate what this information might mean.  She said Seri wasn’t hiding from someone, but she didn’t say that about herself or Iris.  However, her tone is slightly off, and I’m not sure I want to ask for any more details—not just yet.

“Why do you call yourself ‘Netti’?”

“A childhood name,” she says simply.  “It is what Iris called Serenity when she was young.  It is a bond they have between them.”

“Do you…do you mean the Iris that’s here now?”

“Iris is sleeping.”

“I mean, the one…the one who’s in there with you—with you and Seri—or do you mean the one who died?”

“They are the same.”

“But Seri and Iris…they’re sisters, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, at one point there were two of them.”

“They are still two.”

I roll my eyes, glad she can’t see me in the dark.  I’m getting nowhere with this.  Again, I wish I had made notes with all the clues I have gathered so far—the differences in personalities and the inconsistencies in Seri’s story about her sister.  Now that I have the opportunity to ask Netti to explain, I can’t seem to get a satisfactory answer.

“But she has always been Seri, right?  Iris…Iris used to be…to be someone else.”

Netti tenses in my arms.  Apparently, my question isn’t one she wants to answer.  Maybe she doesn’t know.  I don’t know exactly who Netti is and decide to change the question entirely.

“If Seri and Iris are sisters, who are you?  How do you fit in?”

“Iris is our strength.  Seri is our heart.  I am the negotiator.”

“What does that mean?”

“I help Seri bridge the gaps when Iris comes around.  I fill in her memories with those things that are most important and exclude those that would cause her distress.”

“Oh.”  I don’t know how to respond to that, and I’m not sure how to ask for clarification.  Obviously, Netti doesn’t classify my nocturnal activities with Iris as “important,” and I’m debating whether or not I should feel insulted.  I kind of doubt I’m going to get any kind of logical answer to such an illogical question, so I move on.  “So, you only come out when Seri is scared, right?”

“Primarily.”

“There are other times?”

“Yes.  When she was young, I only came when the girl was frightened.  I do the same now to protect her from fear and stress, but there are other times.  Sometimes, Iris is…difficult.”

“Difficult?”

“Iris likes to take the spotlight.  She has a tendency to get us all into trouble.”

“Like the donuts.”

“Donuts?”

“Iris is the one who stole the donuts that first day we met,” I say.  “That’s why Seri doesn’t know how they got into her pocket.”

“Oh, yes,” Netti says.  “That was Iris.  She tends to be more driven by base desires.  She’s always been that way.”

“I guess that’s why they need a negotiator.”

“Precisely.”

“What else do you negotiate?”

“Time,” she says simply, and I have to press her for an explanation.  “Iris would like to come forward more often, but that is not in Seri’s best interest.  Seri is fragile and must be protected.  Iris is more selfish.  She’d like more time with you, but I have not allowed it.”

“Why not?”

“She would emerge every night if she were able,” Netti says.  “She’s quite taken with you, but I can only do so much when it comes to hiding Iris from Seri.  Too much time spent and Seri would know something wasn’t right.  She must be protected, first and foremost.”

“Protected from me?”

“Yes, but not in the way you may be thinking,” she says.  “We appreciate what you have done for us—for all of us.  I don’t think we would be here now, in this little snow house, if you planned to do her harm.”

“I wouldn’t hurt her.”  The words are out before I even think.  As soon as I hear them, I realize I haven’t had any violent thoughts about her in days.

In fact, I haven’t had any violent thoughts since I spilled my guts to Seri when I was drunk.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner.  I’d been with Margot for years, and I never stopped having vile images flash through my head.  Maybe they were less frequent than when I first met her, but they never went away completely.

Now they were just…gone.

At first, having this woman in my cabin was just mildly annoying.  Strangely enough, I’d grown comfortable with her presence.  Watching her move around the cabin, make dinner, wash dishes, play with the cat—it all felt normal—or at least what I thought normal was supposed to feel like.

I swallow hard as I think about my decision to build a snow cave.  What would I have done if it were just me out here in a snowstorm?  Granted, I wouldn’t have wandered into the marshes and fallen through the ice, but even then, I wouldn’t have gone into strict survival mode.  I would have tried to make it back to the cabin, and fuck it all if I died along the way.

I wasn’t trying to save me; I was trying to save her.

Them.

Whatever.

I squeeze my eyes shut.  All of this talk about how many people are inside of the woman wrapped up in my arms has made my own head go soft.  Obviously, I need some sleep, but there’s one more question I need to ask first, one that’s been bothering me for a while now.

“Netti?”  I have to clarify the name once again, just in case.

“Hmm?”

“Is Iris…is she dangerous?”

“Only to herself.”

I sigh.  I’m not sure I’ve accomplished much of anything despite the opportunity to speak with the most rational of the personalities.  Every answer raises more questions, and every thought seems more ludicrous than the last.

“Of course it’s real.”

For the first time, I hear something resembling emotion from Netti, but I’m not sure if she’s insulted or just annoyed by all of the questions.

“But it’s all in her head, isn’t it?  I mean, you aren’t really three different people.”

Netti turns her head toward me, and though I can only see the dim outline of her profile, I have the feeling she’s scowling at me.

“Fear is only in our heads, but we still feel afraid.  Anger exists inside of us, but we still lash out.  Only inside of us does love exist…or devotion or emotional pain.  Does that make it less real?”

She turns back and rests her head against my arm again.

“I hadn’t thought of it like that,” I say softly.  “Sorry.”

Netti presses her back against my chest, and I hear her sigh quietly.  She grips my forearm and turns her cheek to press against mine, and I think I’m forgiven for my ignorance.

Holding her tightly, I shift to try to get a little pressure off my hip and shoulder, but the hard-packed snow beneath the cloth is uncomfortable, and there’s nothing to be done about it.  I’ve slept in worse conditions.

I hear Netti’s breathing, deep and regular, and I know she’s fallen asleep.  I wonder who she is going to be when she wakes up.  If she is Seri again, will she remember anything of my conversation with Netti?

If she doesn’t, should I tell her?