Chapter Twenty-One

 

Aven

 

“You hate your own bed as much as you hate mine, so I don’t see how it makes a difference.” I leaned on the doorframe of my bedroom, watching Finn pack the few changes of clothes I’d brought him over before I’d taken him home from the hospital three weeks ago.

“She thinks I’d do better with my routine if I was at home. She thinks I feel like too much of a guest here and worry too much about my actions.”

Watching him fill the duffle bag as he avoided making eye contact was crushing my heart. “She knows we’re dating, right? I’m not just a friend whose couch your crashing on.”

Although, in three weeks he’d yet to spend an entire night in my bed and was, in fact, crashing on the couch. But that had nothing to do with his level of comfort around me and everything to do with his ongoing struggles with sleep.

“She knows.”

“Did you agree with her?”

No answer. He closed the dresser drawer I’d given him and zipped the bag. I caught his arm when he tried to wedge past me. “Finn? Did you agree with her?” I asked again.

His eyes were heavy and glassy. As much as I’d tried to be supportive of his therapy, he struggled. I couldn’t keep up with his sleepless nights and was often passed out when he underwent a lot of his panic attacks. He refused to stay with me in bed, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was hurt that I wasn’t always there for him.

“I’m not getting better. I’m trying, but it’s not working.” Tears brimmed his eyes, but he blinked them away and cleared his throat, trying to hide his pain. “If she thinks going home will work, then I have to go home. I’m so tired of being this fucked up.”

A thick wad of emotion lodged in my throat. I’d gotten used to him being there and enjoyed having him around all the time. We’d only been together three months, and it felt far too soon to take steps forward like the ones I was considering, but watching him leave was breaking my heart.

I stroked his cheek and suppressed the urges building inside, wanting me to ask him to stay always. “I like having you here.”

His unconscious pout disappeared when he pulled his lower lip between his teeth. “I appreciate you helping me out after my surgery, but you don’t need to be responsible for me. I can take care of myself now, and you don’t need my ongoing insanity every night. It’s bad enough I don’t sleep. You don’t need me and my fucking problems keeping you awake.”

“Finn, you know I don’t see it that way.”

He removed my hand from his cheek and kissed me, lingering long enough it felt too much like a goodbye kiss.

“I’m not breaking up with you. Relax. I’m just going back to my apartment. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I can get better if I’m in my own space.”

I wanted to scream my objections. Did the woman consider where Finnley lived and how it might play a huge role in his issues? Was I the only one who saw how much Finnley struggled with his job?

“Okay,” I whispered instead, not wanting to cause drama or be the clingy boyfriend who couldn’t let go.

He went down the hall to the bathroom and collected the few belongings he had there as well. When he snagged his toothbrush, the words flooded from my mouth before I could think them through.

“So, are you never going to spend the night again?”

He paused his packing. “What?”

“You’re taking your toothbrush, too?”

He shifted his gaze to the item in his hand, and after a beat, returned it to the holder. Why did it feel like he’d only done that to prevent an argument?

With the bathroom cleared, he headed to the front of the house.

“Do you want company for your follow-up appointment next week?”

“Nah, it’s not a big deal,” Finn said as he put on his shoes. “He’s basically just giving me a once over and the green light to return to my regularly scheduled programming.”

Once his shoes were on, he stood and faced me. The crushing pain in my chest amplified.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Finn asked.

I closed the distance and pressed his back against the closed door. “Don’t go.”

He closed his eyes when I rested our foreheads together. “Aven, the doctor thinks it would be better—”

“She’s wrong.”

I crushed my mouth to his and kissed him hard, lacing our tongues together and tasting all I could. He pulled me tighter to his body as he accepted what I gave and delved in deeper for more. His lips were heavenly, and I yearned to pull him back down the hall and take him to bed. Fuck the green light. Fuck waiting any longer. I wanted to make love to my boyfriend and convince him to stay.

When we came apart, the swell of our arousals was undeniable. “I really should go.” Before I got another word out, he pressed a finger to my lips. “She’s right. I should be working on this at home. I’ll be more successful. Besides, I have to start back to work, so it makes sense. I don’t live here.”

Is it such a bad idea?

Knowing it was useless to fight it, I backed up, so he could collect his things. I hated going back to seeing each other a few times a week, text messages, and phone calls. But Finn was determined.

“Call me.” The words lodged in my throat as he pulled the door open. They came out sounding strained and weak.

“I will.”

 

* * *

 

Being apart from Finn left a gaping hole in my chest. I’d never had sleep issues in my entire life until the day he went home. Even though we rarely slept an entire night side by side, my bed was empty without him. I lay awake at night and wondered if he was in the midst of fighting his demons without me.

We’d shared lunch a few times when he’d surprised me by showing up at my work out of the blue, but otherwise, we hadn’t spent a whole lot of time together. The morning of his follow-up appointment, I texted him at the crack of dawn to wish him luck and invited him over for dinner.

How about you come here, and I’ll get takeout?

I was in no mood to argue. If it meant having a night together, I’d take Finn’s version of food and deal with it.

Sounds perfect. I’ll be there after work.

It was the longest day imaginable. By four, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and packed up my desk early so I could surprise Finn. He’d gone back to work part-time the previous week, but I knew he’d taken the day off for his appointment that morning.

I skipped home for a quick shower and changed from my slacks and dress shirt to more casual jeans and a T-shirt. The weather had warmed up significantly, and summer was sneaking in.

The funeral home was quiet when I arrived. The parking lot was empty except for Finn’s car, so I pulled in beside him and killed the engine. The lights were on in the high windows facing the lot, and I smiled as my heart warmed. Without Finnley nearby had caused turmoil to stir in my system, but simply being in his presence again seemed to settle the storm inside.

I climbed the stairs to his door and knocked. A few minutes passed with no answer, so I knocked again and tried the knob. It was open. I poked my head in and called out.

“Hey, sexy, anyone home?”

There was no reply, so I stepped inside and scanned his apartment. The faint sound of the shower running came from down the hall which told me exactly where I’d find him. Smiling, I toed off my shoes with every intent on bounding down the hall and joining him. It’d been too long since we’d been allowed to be intimate, and I knew the doctor would have given him the all clear earlier, so I wasn’t wasting a minute.

As I crossed the living room and joining kitchen, my feet stalled. The counters were littered with energy drinks, empty paper coffee mugs from the café down the road, takeout containers, and two bottles of Adrafinil. Shifting around, I noted all the coffee mugs on his coffee table and the heap of blankets piled off to the side.

My jaw hung slack as I took it all in. Based on the evidence, I could only assume Finn had slipped. He wasn’t improving at all.

With less enthusiasm than I’d had a moment ago, I paced my way down the hall toward the bathroom. Knocking lightly, I pushed the door open and called out.

“It’s just me.”

His soapy head popped out from behind the shower curtain, a startled look on his face. “You’re early.”

“I am. I wanted to surprise you.” I tugged the curtain aside and took his wet face to pull him in for a kiss. The moment we came in contact, I flinched. His skin was like ice, and his lips were tinged blue. Instinctively, I shot a hand under the flow of water and retracted it just as quickly with a frown. “Finn, that’s freezing, what the hell?”

He dragged the curtain back in place, and I watched his shadowed form behind it as he stepped back into the shower and rinsed off. The water stopped, and he opened the curtain again, snapping a towel from the rack and bringing it to his face.

“Why are you here so early?”

“I missed you and wanted to see you. Why are you showering in freezing cold water?”

He scrubbed the towel over his hair and wrapped it around his waist. Goosebumps covered his skin making the hairs rise, and his teeth chattered. When he lifted his gaze to mine, his eyes were heavy and underlined with prominent shadows.

Instead of responding, he shook his head and stepped out of the tub, moving to go past me.

“Woah.” I caught his elbow and pulled him into my arms, hugging warmth into his chilled skin. “You okay?”

Again, no answer.

He rested his head on my shoulder and allowed me to remove the towel from his waist to dry him off. When his trembling subsided, I draped the towel over his shoulders and took him to his room to find clothes.

His bedroom door was closed, and when we entered, it was as pristine as a catalog. It was obvious he hadn’t stepped foot inside or used the bed at all. Finn was far from a neat freak. If he’d spent one night between those sheets, it would have been obvious.

He accepted a pair of joggers and pulled them on. As I looked through another drawer for a shirt, his strained words halted me.

“Aven, I’m a mess.”

I stopped hunting for clothes and looked at him, really looked at him. Seeing Finn battling sleep and looking utterly rung out had sadly become the norm. That day, however, the man before me was a shadow of himself. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and the weariness throughout his entire body was unlike anything I’d witnessed before. He hugged himself and more tremors radiated from his core, ones that were not brought on by cold. Life was swallowing him whole.

He took a wobbly step forward, fell into my arms when I opened them, and sobbed against my neck as he clung to me. All I could do was hold on. I didn’t know how to help him. He was in therapy, but things were not looking up at all. Based on the state of his apartment, he’d taken a giant step backward. I wished he would take the anxiety meds the doctor prescribed. They wouldn’t miraculously cure him, but they would help some.

I stroked his back and twisted fingers through his hair until he began to calm. “Finn, when did you sleep last?”

At my house, he’d at least managed to crash a few hours every night. I thought the reduction of caffeine in his system tended to make his fight to stay awake more difficult. However, his kitchen counters and coffee table told me he’d fallen back on those crutches.

He cried harder with my question and dug his fingers into my shirt, holding me so tight it was like he feared I’d let go before he was ready.

“I don’t know. I can’t… I can’t,” he cried and shook his head fiercely against my chest.

“Shh, I got you.”

I had limited tools in my toolbox to help Finn. The doctor’s methods were solid in theory, but not as simple to execute as we’d discovered. My methods didn’t always work either, but my success rate was no worse than the physician’s. It couldn’t hurt to try, and maybe Finn needed a personal touch right then.

“How did your appointment go?” I asked as I continued with a soothing motion up and down his bare back. His skin had warmed finally and felt good against my palm.

He sniffled and dug his face deeper into the crook of my neck. “Physically fit as a fiddle. Minus an appendix, but who needs it? Mentally, I’m fucked, but we both knew that already.”

I lifted his face and stroked his unshaven cheeks. The heavy sadness and defeat I saw broke my heart.

“You look so tired, Owl. Too many sleepless nights.”

His bottom lip quivered, and another tear escaped which I swiped away. “I’m so tired. Aven, I’m so fucking tired.” His voice broke with his words.

“I know.” I kissed him and tasted his salty pain as his tears continued to fall. “Let me take care of you.”

I worshiped his mouth, using every ounce of my love to savor and show him what he meant to me as I backed him toward the bed. My hands roamed his shower softened skin, mindful of his fresh scar, unsure how sensitive it might be.

When I encouraged him to lie down, there was a slight tensing of muscles before he relented and allowed me to take command. I wanted to show him that his bed didn’t always have to be a place to fear, it could be a place of love as well. With Finn on his back, I kissed over his chest and abdomen, landing a few delicate ones across his scar as I worked his pants off.

He reached out to me as I crawled back up his body and pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it aside. Our mouths found each other again and continued their familiar dance. It was like they’d been tango partners forever and knew all the moves flawlessly. We kissed slowly, never rushing, and simply savored the connection and each other.

Finn fumbled to free me from my pants, and once they were removed, he pulled me down against him using my body to blanket his own. His hands slid down the arch of my spine and cupped my backside as he peered up longingly.

“I need you.”

Those three words spoke volumes. Behind his troubled eyes, I saw the depth of their meaning.

“You have me,” I said, as I glided my body against him, reveling in the mounting pleasure coursing over me.

Hands wandered over skin, mouths took nourishment from mouths, and I breathed in every sweet scent that was Finnley. The only time I moved away from his warmth was to fish out supplies from the end table beside the bed.

But I didn’t get far.

“Aven,” Finn snagged my arm and pulled me back on top of him. His sleep-heavy eyes were filled with longing and love. “I had them test me in the hospital. In case… you know, if we didn’t want to use those anymore. It all came back negative.”

Warmth seeped over my skin as I peered down at my gorgeous man. I already knew there was no one else in life who would steal my heart the way he had. He was it for me, and even though I knew it was still early on for us, I couldn’t deny the way my heart felt.

“I got tested months ago,” I said. “It will only ever be you, Finn. I love you. So much it hurts sometimes, and I don’t know what to do with it all.”

He hooked his hands around my neck and pulled me down into a sweet, seductive kiss. “Then make love to me. Show me.”

Abandoning the condom, I used the lube to coat my fingers and prepare him. When he was thrusting against the intrusion and moaning into our locked mouths, I replaced my fingers with what he wanted.

Finn was already a part of my heart, but joining our bodies made him one with my soul. Unrushed, I rocked inside him, pulling out each sensuous moan and whimper, savoring them and taking pride that it was me who brought him such pleasure.

He clung to me, moved with me, and took me deeper into his heart and body. I wanted to live there forever and never leave. Our sweat-slicked skin slid together with each motion and Finn tangled his fingers into my hair as he thrust himself harder against me.

“Aven, oh, God, so good.”

I maneuvered our bodies so I would hit exactly the right spot, and watched the bliss play out over his face when I found it. He was lost in the moment with his eyes closed and lips parted. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as I built our momentum and worked him closer to the edge.

When his orgasm hit, he threw his head back and squeezed his eyes tight with the pleasure as tears slipped out and slid down the sides of his face. I worked him through to the end and fell onto his mouth, kissing him fiercely with all the overwhelming love exploding from my heart. In a few short thrusts, I came hard, and he pulled me tight against him, encouraging every drop to unload deep within. Claiming him, owning him, marking him like I’d never done before.

Our panting breaths filled the silent room when I collapsed on top of him. Our sweat-soaked bodies only then feeling the cool air. Finnley traced his fingers over my back and up into my hair as he hugged me tightly, trembling.

“I love you,” he whispered. His voice was thick with sleep and emotion.

I stayed splayed out on his chest for a long time, listening to his heart under my ear, and taking in the moment. When I lifted my head a short while later, his eyes were closed and his face lax.

I shifted to the side, so I wouldn’t crush him, and pulled him against my body. He was asleep in seconds, and relief consumed me. It wasn’t a solution, but my love and support were all I had to offer.