Chapter Eleven

 

Finnley

 

I’d lost all control. No matter how much embarrassment consumed me, I couldn’t turn off the damn tears streaming down my face. Aven made no comment. He simply held me tighter and continued his gentle caresses over my body as he dusted kisses on my shoulder, neck, and cheek.

Eventually, the never-ending flow slowed and stopped as my mind drifted to the man whose arms encased me. I couldn’t hold onto thoughts for more than fleeting moments and found myself floating through a thick haze of semi-consciousness. Aven’s words would penetrate on occasion, and I hummed and smiled hearing him call me beautiful or telling me how much he enjoyed touching me.

My eyelids were heavy, but I did all I could to keep them open. When Aven pressed the wine glass into my hand, I drank, knowing its effect would be unstoppable. It didn’t matter. I’d arrived at that point in the battle where I knew the white flag had been raised. The terrors inside my mind screamed and told me to shake it off. My heart rate would spike every time the knowledge of my impending slumber closed in, but my body could no longer summon the energy to even bring a panic attack to the surface.

Tears started again.

When I got to that point, it scared me so badly because that would be the night I wouldn’t wake up.

“Come on, baby. Gonna get you out.”

Aven’s words pierced the cloud again as he shifted and help sit me up. Because I didn’t possess an ounce of strength, I allowed him to help me stand. The towel was warm and fluffy as he dried my skin and rubbed it over my hair. When he draped it over my shoulders, he grabbed one for himself, and I watched with half-lidded eyes as he did the same over his own body.

If anyone was beautiful, it was him. Long, lean, and perfectly muscled everywhere. How did he do that? He had to work out. There was no way anyone just walked around looking like that without effort. I stared down at myself and frowned. Sure, I wasn’t overweight thanks to my mother’s slender, petite genes, but I wasn’t cover model sexy like Aven.

His hand gripped my chin and tugged it up. Our lips came together in a tender pairing, his warm tongue seeking mine and twining together in a dance I’d come to love.

“Come on. I want to treasure every inch of this gorgeous body.”

He took my hand and encouraged me to follow. Had he read my inner thoughts? Did he really see me that way?

I stumbled after him, my feet uncoordinated. It helped to lean against his back and rest my head on his shoulder. That way, I didn’t have to open my eyes; they were becoming problematic, and it was easier giving up the fight.

When Aven turned left instead of right, a spark of unease ignited in my gut. With my processing center slugged out, it took for him to be halfway through my bedroom door for me to understand why that seed of panic was trying to break free.

I halted, and the jerk on my arm almost sent me to the floor. Aven turned back and caught me mid-stumble, his face contorted in confusion.

“Why are you stopping?”

Tremors started, and Aven must have assumed I was cold because he wrapped my towel around me tighter.

I shook my head frantically. “Not in here. Can we go to the living room?”

How the hell did I explain the impossibility of crawling into bed without completely losing my shit? Aven had seen first hand a full-blown panic attack.

While I worked words around, trying to give them a voice, he tilted my face back to his, forcing me to break eye-contact with my bed.

“I want to give you a massage. I bought some nice massage oil, and I need somewhere roomy where you can lay and relax. Just a massage, baby, okay?”

Just a massage. His words danced on the outskirts of my mind, their meaning taking longer to sink in than was normal. A massage. Aven traced his knuckles over my cheek and kissed me tenderly. It was only then when my brain processed the endearment.

“Don’t call me that, please.”

He cringed and nodded. “I’m sorry. Come lie down.”

When he gave my hand a small tug, my feet moved even though I wasn’t entirely sure what I was agreeing to yet.

Aven encouraged me to lie on my stomach, and the softness of the mattress underneath my body was a comfort I couldn’t describe. It wrapped as snug around me as the cloud surrounding my mind.

Hands.

Sure, strong hands were all over me. Their touch sent warmth to spread through my veins. I kept dancing on that edge, nearly slipping under the surface of sleep, but somewhere I still maintained enough willpower to fight.

If I was too still, or too comfortable, I would lose. The way he kneaded my muscles and glided his skilled fingers over the surface of my skin was too much. Too soothing. Too calming. Too dangerous.

I slipped under sleep’s hold and jerked back to consciousness again almost immediately as my heart thrummed and adrenaline spiked.

I needed up. Distant fear swam all around and told me to run.

I squirmed and fought to get free from his hold.

The moment I wasn’t still, Aven’s hot mouth pressed kisses along my neck as he blanketed his body overtop of me.

“Shh…. I’ve got you, Finn. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

I wasn’t okay. If I went to sleep, I’d never wake up. I knew it would happen the night I couldn’t fight. When I began gasping, Aven turned me over.

“Shh… breathe. Look at me, sleepy owl.”

I searched his face frantically and automatically mimicked his deep breaths as he demonstrated. The world and everything in it seemed so far away, like I was adrift in a different dimension and fighting to ground myself.

“That’s it. You’re doing great. Talk to me. Tell me what you need.”

Aven’s hands never stopped. His body was pressed against my side while he skimmed touches over the surface of my skin in a soothing rhythm.

When I could talk, I fought the battle for words. I don’t want to die. I can’t sleep, because if I do, it will happen, I know it. I just found you. I want more time. Nothing passed my lips but a whimper which Aven kissed away as he brushed more tears from my cheeks.

“Tell me what you need, Finn. Anything.”

His words floated and swept over me, circled and surrounded me, called to me, and burned inside my core with a flaming need I couldn’t describe.

“Make love to me,” I whispered.

Somewhere in my distant understanding, I heard the desperation in my voice. I understood the words I’d used might be taken to mean something far deeper than I was ready to admit, but Aven didn’t pause to question it.

If I’d thought I was soaring on a cloud before, it was nothing compared to the place where Aven took me. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once, touching, soothing, feeling, gliding. The heat of his mouth and tongue as they journeyed over my flesh made me tremble.

I couldn’t put it all together in my broken mind and succumb to the sensations as he treasured and loved every part of me. Loved? It sure felt like love. It was an emotion I’d never experienced, and one I couldn’t analyze in my current state, but I’d have bet by the way he kissed me that we both were traveling down that road together.

How did Aven fall into my life? Would he stay when he realized the reality of what I faced every day? My fears had become all-consuming. They were a prison I couldn’t escape, a poison I couldn’t cure. Could he love me broken like I was? Did he already?

I whimpered and moaned when he ground against me, his need as hard as my own. It felt like a dream. Our transitions were undefined due to my inability to process any longer, but the pieces all came together to make an understanding that Aven was indeed making love to me. I was aware of his fingers as they pressed inside my heat, filled and stretched me. It was my moan that fluttered through the air when he teased that sweet spot.

A hot, wet mouth surrounded my dick, and the teasing pace he used to suck me had me begging for more. I reached blindly, tangled my fingers in his hair, and encouraged him onward. My eyes wouldn’t open; it was all touch, taste, and sound. I soared in a place I’d never been, but there, in that reality, I was no longer afraid.

His tongue danced with mine again, and I couldn’t recall when he’d stopped below. I sucked him with greed, tasting a combination of myself and him. He hooked my leg under his arm and whispered, “Open your eyes.”

When I did, I found him staring down at me, searching the very depths of my soul. With that connection, he pressed inside ever so slowly, and in a tiny moment of clarity, I startled and grabbed his face which was so close to my own.

“Condom,” I mumbled.

“It’s on.”

It was? “Okay.”

I dropped my head to the mattress and arched my back as he sunk in all the way in one long, delicious glide. He was wrapped all around me, rocking inside me, whispering sweet words I couldn’t understand, but knew in my heart what they meant.

As deep as he was and as close as our bodies were, it wasn’t enough. I wrapped my legs around him and clung, burying my face in the crook of his neck as he held me impossibly close. Every thrust nudged me to my peak, and the way his abdomen ground against my aching length encouraged my orgasm to grow.

“Aven,” I whimpered, unable to find more words to explain.

“I’ve got you. So good, Finn, so good.”

As though understanding my unspoken thoughts, he lifted off enough so he could move a hand between us.

It was too much and not enough all at the same time. Our mouths came together as he pulled me right to the edge and sent me soaring over the other side. He groaned into my mouth as I spilled into his hand and all in between us.

His thrusts never stopped as he milked me for every last drop, keeping me sailing for longer than I thought possible. I was lost in the euphoria of post-orgasm bliss when Aven buried his face in my neck and cried out, his pleasure rippling through him and shuddering over my body.

When it ended, he didn’t move. He cradled me in his arms, wound my hair around his fingers, and breathed deep where he was still against my neck. His exhales fanned over my oversensitive skin. We lay, joined like that as the world slipped away. Pinned under Aven’s body, with no ounce of strength left to fight, sleep took me.

For a brief moment, I was aware of Aven running a damp cloth over my skin and encouraging me to shuffle over. A blanket was tucked under my chin and his body cocooned around me. The last thing I remembered was Aven’s breath as it feathered across my earlobe when he whispered against my ear.

“Time to sleep, Owl.”

 

* * *

 

I woke up the following morning in pain. Clutching the tender ache above my navel, I peeled my eyes open in confusion. I was… in bed? In my room? A warm body nuzzled against my side and sighed.

Aven.

The heaviness of sleep retreated, and I remembered the previous evening with only a scant clarity, one that came from having been so overtired. I sucked in a pained breath and held it, wondering what time it was. The sun bled through the edges of the curtains, but I didn’t have a clock in the room and couldn’t guess based strictly on sunrise. It could have been seven, or it could have been eleven for all I knew.

I carefully dislodged myself from Aven’s embrace and shimmied off the bed to go search for some Pepcid. The slight ache in my backside combined with my nakedness tugged more memories forward, and I dashed a glance over my shoulder at my still sleeping lover. What we’d shared last evening, as spaced out as I’d been at the time, had been more intimate than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. No one had ever taken care of me like that. In fact, no one had ever cared for me and my wellbeing so much.

I smiled at his profile, face sunk deep into the pillow, dark hair splashed out every which way, parted lips, unshaven face, and long lashes lying delicately against his cheeks. The whole notion that he was with me was almost surreal.

I slipped out of bed, found a pair of pajama pants, and tiptoed to the bathroom. The remnants of our shared bath were still sitting out, and I smiled as my heart warmed. After relieving myself and brushing my teeth, I snagged the box of Pepcid from the medicine cabinet and headed to the kitchen. It was shortly after eight. I panicked momentarily thinking Aven was going to be late for work, then, I remembered him telling me he was off Monday due to his weekend away.

I had no recollection of when he’d put me to bed, but I must have slept well, because for once, I wasn’t dragging a two-ton weight behind me. I set the coffee pot to brew and found a glass of water to wash down a pill while I waited. The gurgling churning sounds of the machine filled the quiet room as I leaned on the counter and watched the carafe fill at an agonizingly slow rate.

I squinted as the burning ache still radiated through my chest but knew shortly it would be gone. As the brew was reaching the fill point, arms slinked around my waist from behind, and Aven rested his chin on my shoulder. His body was bed-warm as he pressed against me.

“Good morning,” he mumbled against my ear as he pecked kisses along the lobe. “Did you sleep okay?”

I tilted my head to the side and peered at him smiling. “I did. Thank you.”

He trailed his nose along the back of my neck and reached for the box on the counter.

“You’re hurting.”

“I’ll be fine in a bit.”

“Coffee is just going to aggravate the issue, you know.”

I peeled out of his arms and went to the cupboard to collect a pair of mugs. “I’m aware, Dr. Woods. I’m not quitting coffee because of a little ache that can be taken care of with a small little pill.”

I was beginning to recognize the look he was giving me. He wanted to say a lot more but was biting his tongue. It was for the best because I really didn’t want to argue about it. I had few vices to deal with my life and coffee was one of the biggest. My doctor had already told me a million times that my eating habits and coffee consumption were to blame for my ulcer, but they were small issues compared to the bigger picture.

Aven found milk in my empty fridge, but before he could add it to his coffee, I removed the container from his hands and smelled it. The sour odor made me jerk the carton back instantly.

“It’s bad. I don’t know how long that’s been in there,” I explained. “I use the creamer on the door. Are you against creamer? I can run to the store if you need milk.”

He chuckled and found the creamer instead. “I can make do for one day.”

I watched him closely as he topped off our coffees and returned the small carton to the fridge. “I don’t really cook. Never learned. Hence the no groceries thing. I don’t know if you were expecting some gourmet breakfast or whatever, but…”

Aven folded me in his arms and kissed me as he chuckled. “You’re awfully defensive this morning.”

“Well, I feel like in a matter of just over twenty-four hours all my flaws have been laid out for you to see. We’ve only been dating a couple weeks. You’re supposed to discover them over time. You know, less impacting that way.”

He studied my face with a hint of humor in his eyes. His gaze lifted, and he brought his hand up and toyed with my hair.

“You know, you have this wild chunk of hair right here that just insists on being defiant all the time.”

“See, all my flaws.” I removed his fingers and kissed his knuckles as he laughed. He still had faint pillow lines on his cheek, and his own hair was all over the place. “And here you look all sexy even though you just rolled out of bed. Is there anything not perfect about you?”

His humor faded as he continued to search my face. “Believe me, Finn, I’m far from perfect. How about we drink these coffees and I take you out for breakfast?”

“I can’t. That girl’s parents will be by before her visitation this morning. I get the sense there could be issues, and I need to be around.”

“Margret said she’d rather you took the day off today.”

“I’m not leaving her to deal with a potential problem like that. She’s an employee, and I’m the one that told the family I’d try.”

It wasn’t the first time we’d dealt with difficult situations similar to the one before me. In past years, I’d watched my father handle those families with care and respect, despite the position we were in. With my dad gone, it was my job to handle it, not Margret’s.

“Okay. I understand. Do you want me to bring you something? I can go grab you some food and deliver it to your office.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I don’t normally eat breakfast anyway. Just coffee, and I have plenty of that here.”

That face was back. Aven firmed his lips, and a small crease appeared on his forehead. Worry lines. They joined the troubled look in his chocolate brown eyes. “All right. Maybe we can hook up for lunch some day this week if my schedule isn’t too crazy.”

“I’d like that.”

I tugged him closer and pressed our mouths together. It was a lazy morning kiss, and I absorbed how good he felt in my arms. A huge part of me would have loved to plan a few nights together during the week. I already missed being wrapped around his nakedness and wanted to feel him inside me again. The idea of exploring more of that part of our relationship tingled through my veins, but I knew the ramifications of that proposal would only lead to more of what had happened at Aven’s house. It was bad enough he’d seen me like that once.