Chapter 20
I WAS still pondering life, the universe, and Richard Dean Anderson (so much better looking older on Stargate SG-1 than he was younger on MacGyver—giving hope to aging males everywhere), and driving toward the west side when my cell phone rang. I was right by a Taco Bell and felt in need of a snack, so I quickly pulled in and parked. After shutting off the engine, I answered and was pleased to hear Nick’s voice.
“I bet you thought I wouldn’t call,” he said. “We fags are notorious for taking phone numbers and then not following up.”
“Somehow I figured you as the exception to the rule,” I said honestly. “I knew you’d call.”
He laughed. “Sorry about bailing on you so quickly the other day. I really did have somewhere I needed to be. I was hoping I could make it up to you by making you dinner tonight. I make a wonderful spaghetti sauce. Takes forever, but it’s worth it.”
Robbie. No, don’t think about Robbie. Just answer. “Yes,” I said.
“Great.” He gave me his address, which was an apartment building not far from the bar where we’d met. “Seven thirty sound all right?”
Even as the words left my mouth, I felt like a traitor. Then I rationalized. It was only a date. Not a promise of a romp in the hay. Nothing had to happen.
I wondered if I should have just done what most other gay guys would have done under the circumstances—hired an anonymous hustler every now and then for my sexual needs and just lied to Robbie about it. Honesty is a bitch that’ll kick you in the ass every chance it gets.
I WOULD have to take Daisy to the park while it was still light in order to make it to Nick’s on time. Being a Saturday I could count on at least a few people at Gustafson Park. Once Daisy started chomping the heads off squirrels, I could count on fewer people at the park, but I didn’t really want to cause a scene. Still, I couldn’t think of a place in the area that wouldn’t have some people enjoying the day. I’d just have to try to keep her away from families enjoying the playground area. Nothing scarred Little Janie more than seeing a sweet little bulldog devouring Sammy Squirrel.
Robbie appeared as I was attaching Daisy’s leash. He was dressed in jeans and a tight blue T-shirt with Nike’s logo across the chest. “What’s up?” he asked, a grin splitting his face. I hated to ruin his mood. I smiled back but he could read me better than anyone. His eyes showed his hurt before I even spoke.
“We need to talk,” I said.
He bit his lip. “Yeah?”
I sighed. Heavily. Daisy looked at the door in anticipation, as if to say the squirrels weren’t getting any younger. “I want to be honest with you. I’ve got a date tonight.”
There was a Bergman-esque silence. “Yeah?” he finally repeated. He looked angry, hurt, and sad all at once. The angry would have worried me when he’d been alive. Robbie had been very physical in life, which was great for sex but also meant that his first impulse when we argued was to tackle me to the ground and use me for his wrestling dummy. I imagine that was the hardest thing for him to get used to once he’d died, the lack of physical contact. Mine, too, come to think of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
“I don’t know why I agreed to it. I wanted to take it back right after I agreed to go. It’s just dinner at his house. Nothing will happen. I promise. I just….” I paused as Robbie crossed his arms, making sure his biceps were showing to their fullest potential. “Robbie, you can’t hit me. What’s the point of flexing like that?”
“Don’t be so sure,” he muttered.
I shook my head and dropped Daisy’s leash. Walking up close to him, I looked down into his face. “You wouldn’t waste your energy,” I said. I didn’t think he would, either, but only because he couldn’t hit me with enough force to actually matter. If he could clock me a good one, I wouldn’t take any bets. “Look, would you rather me lie and just get a hooker every now and then? I would think you’d want to know what’s going on in my life.”
“Not when it’s about cheating on me, you ass!” He rolled his eyes. “Yes. Yes, I’d rather you lie and just rent a whore. I’d feel much better not knowing. It could be one of those things we just never talk about. We both would know it goes on, but we keep quiet about it, like every Republican president has done since time immemorial.”
I blinked. “Really? You’d prefer that? Living a lie?”
Robbie nodded. “Yes. Well, I’d prefer to be alive and fucking your ass nightly, but that ain’t going to happen either.” He took a deep breath and drew in some extra energy. The air around me got cold as hell, but I refrained from shaking as he pulled me in for a hug. “I appreciate you wanting to be honest with me,” he said. “Sometimes, though, you can be too honest. I never want to lose you, and the thought of you dating….” He didn’t finish.
I rubbed my cheek against the top of his head. It was nice to actually feel his hair against my skin. “I’ll cancel the date,” I whispered.
“No,” he said. “That’d make me feel like an ass. Just don’t do anything stupid. Like fall in love or anything. Just remember that you’re mine.”
“Couldn’t forget it.”
We stayed standing there entwined until Robbie’s energy gave out, and he vanished from my arms.
NICK lived in one of those apartment buildings downtown that looked like they’d been there in the horse and buggy days. It had been refurbished and was now a haven for Yuppies and other up and comers. The apartments weren’t large but most had a great view of the city.
I found apartment 2D and knocked.
I had gone for the business-casual look and was relieved that Nick had as well. It had been too long since I’d dipped into the dating pool. I didn’t want to mess things up from moment one. Not that I wanted anything to happen. I just didn’t want to mess up my first date in a decade.
Nick’s cat, a small tabby, also met me at the door. “That’s Jasmine,” he told me as the cat wove its way around my legs in an intricate pattern.
“Hey, Jasmine,” I said, crouching down to give the cat a good scratch behind the ears. She seemed to like it.
Nick had a large wooden spoon in his hand. “I’m still putting the finishing touches on dinner. Make yourself comfortable.”
Nick was a gracious host. I actually began to relax and enjoy myself. He served the spaghetti, and we had some red wine, and the conversation flowed well. We talked of his work and how difficult it was to teach high school students, and we talked of my work, although I left out certain bits of information. The talk turned to movies, and we discovered we both had a taste for Peter O’Toole films and quoted our favorite lines from The Stunt Man and My Favorite Year. We started on a second bottle of wine and complained about reality television. We had just finished trashing Survivor and had started on another show when I had to put a pause on all the laughter and fun.
“Where’s the restroom?” I asked in that hushed voice one uses when speaking of restrooms.
Nick took another sip of wine. “First door down the hall on the right. You can’t miss it.”
I rose from the table and smiled apologetically. “I’ll be right back.”
Finding the restroom was indeed easy. With only four rooms in the apartment it really wasn’t an issue. I closed the door behind me and switched on the light. I had my zipper halfway down and was moving toward the john when I glanced into the mirror over the sink and nearly pissed myself. Robbie was reflected there, still wearing his mesh workout shirt and tight jeans. “Jesus Christ!” I blurted out.
“Everything okay in there?” Nick called from the dining area.
I gave Robbie my dirtiest look. “Everything is fine!” I shouted back. To Robbie I whispered, “What are you doing here?”
Robbie at least had the grace to look abashed. “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I had to check this guy out. Make sure I approved and all that. I didn’t want to be here and not let you know I was here, though. I didn’t want to be dishonest about it. Not with Mr. Honesty.”
I really had to pee, but if I stood at the toilet I wouldn’t be able to see Robbie’s reflection, and I wanted him to see the anger in my face. Peeing won out. I unzipped the rest of the way and hoped the sound of the stream hitting the water would drown out our hushed voices. “How did you get in here anyway? You’ve been in this apartment before? Did you follow me here?”
“Maybe not this exact apartment. I can’t really remember. I’ve certainly been in the building before, back in my pizza-delivering days. And of course I followed you. What, did you think I just went from place to place looking for you?”
“You worked for a pizza place on the west side. It was nowhere near here. Surely they didn’t deliver this far.”
I heard Robbie chuckle. I wished he’d just appear rather than show up as a reflection, although I knew reflections took up less energy. I preferred to see who I was talking to. “Yeah, I worked on the west side back when you and I were dating, but during high school, I delivered pizzas for Poor Boy Pizza. They’re defunct now, but they used to be right across from my school, only a few blocks from here.”
My brain was wine-fuzzed, and I couldn’t really think properly with the ghost of my boyfriend standing in the mirror while I urinated. The pee stream had ceased, so I lowered my voice even more as I tucked everything back inside and re-zipped. “I really don’t think you should be here.” I moved so that I could see him reflected in the mirror again. Robbie was standing with his arms crossed, which I’m pretty sure he was doing to show off his biceps to their best advantage.
The reflection smirked. “And neither should you.”
He was being purposely annoying, which made me feel a little like teaching him a lesson. If Nick wanted a second date, he was getting it. I’d show my dead boyfriend he couldn’t follow me on dates with the living.
“You okay in there?” Nick’s voice was closer. He sounded like he was either just outside the door or a few feet down the hall. “Are you talking to somebody?”
I cleared my throat and quickly turned on the taps. “Just washing my hands. Be out in a moment.”
“It really sounded like you were talking with someone in there.”
“Just talking to myself.”
Robbie’s smirk went to Super Smirk. “Doesn’t sound like the most trusting guy around. Want to hear my opinion of him?”
“No!” I hissed under my breath.
“What?” Nick asked from the hall.
I washed my hands quickly and scowled at Robbie’s reflection. “We’ll talk later,” I said. When I opened the bathroom door I found Nick waiting for me, somewhat concerned. He looked behind me and scanned the bathroom in the second before I switched off the light. He frowned.
“Turn the light back on for a moment, will you?”
I did. Robbie’s image had vanished from the mirror, but Nick still poked his head inside and looked around.
I smiled at him. “I told you I was just talking to myself.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that,” he said, puzzled. “Just for a second there, as you opened the door, I thought I saw a shadow behind you.”
“Probably mine.”
“No, there was some sort of dark shape behind you. I couldn’t see it clearly, but….” He shook his head again. “Must have had too much wine.”
Jasmine the cat had other ideas, though. She was in the hall, backing away from the bathroom slowly, with her hackles raised. Then she spun around and took off back to the living room. Nick watched her go.
“I wonder what made her do that?” he asked.
IT TOOK Caleb seventeen months to track down Angela. She had left London and gone to Paris, where she worked in a music hall, mostly as a dancer, but occasionally she filled in as a singer when someone was ill. Caleb got lodgings near the theater and attended several performances. She was much prettier than the other girls in the show and sang better as well. Caleb couldn’t understand why they kept her in the chorus. He watched several shows and then, on a Friday night, decided to go backstage to see her.