Licia’s quiet snores filled the morning gloom as I readied for work. A low-grade headache throbbed at the base of my skull, reminding me of my over indulgence in tears and wine.

Popping two Advil and chasing it with a paper cup of water, I avoided my reflection. No amount of makeup would cover my swollen eyelids and the gentle bruising caused by lack of sleep. I’d tried, but beneath my cosmetic-created mask, the roughness of my night lingered; a reminder that no matter how far I ran, Regi was a phantom attached at the heart and soul level. I would pay for my weakness for the rest of the day.

You’d think after five years, numerous flings, and my refusal to give Regi what he wanted, that I would be immune to my heart’s traitorous urges. My mind was with the program, my heart wasn’t. Damn bitch pined for him, and nothing I thought seemed to matter. Even his brief hook-up with Licia wasn’t enough to shake free of him. She was more to blame, though I’d never tell him that.

Was it cruelty, or strength, to make him believe any chance between us was over?

If I could stay away longer, erect a wall of silence and anger, maybe he would finally move on. For real, and not the fuck ‘em and leave ‘em games he played.

I swallowed around the sorrow climbing my throat.

No more tears.

This is how it must be.

Squaring my shoulders and tucking a couple flyaway hairs back into my French braid, I prepared to face the day. I walked through the low-lit apartment and paused by the couch and the lump snuggled onto it. Licia had found the extra pillows and blankets I stored in the closet. In sleep, she looked like my little sister. The sneer and hostility were smudged away, returning her to a carefree teenager. I ached to turn back time. Fix the perceived wrongs that she heaped at my feet.

Why did she have to go after Regi?

Could I forgive her?

Did I want to forgive him?

There was no magic wand. I’d loved Cinderella as a child, but as an adult, I knew there was no fairy Godmother to bippity boppity boo my problems away. The only solution was to keep marching forward.

Gingerly I tucked the blanket higher beneath her chin, cocooning her in warmth and comfort without waking her. I was still angry with her, but I also carried guilt. I’d left her behind to deal with the burdens of our mom. If I hadn’t, maybe she’d have grown into a normal young woman instead of a viper.

I bundled into my long black winter coat. The sleek length hugged my body from fur-rimmed hood to ankle. It still wouldn’t keep the cold out. I braced myself and hit the ground at a quick pace.

It was a short dash from the elevator, through the underground garage, and to my car. It was cold as fuck, and my car wouldn’t warm up fast enough. The heater was on its last legs. The whole car was. But the metro system, aka the bus, catered to the University. Once you were no longer a part of academia you were shit out of luck if you worked along the perimeter of downtown.

I lived in West Middleton, and worked in Middleton, both completely west of the University and Capitol Building. I was fucked no matter which way you looked at it. While there were bus stops scattered about Middleton, I’d be walking my ass all over the city in the cold. I was a tropical Mexican flower transplanted, before my birth, to the damn arctic. Winter walking was nowhere on my itinerary.

Once I’d landed my “grown up” job after graduation, I’d gone and made my first adult purchase; the bitch mobile. She wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t young. But she was mine. A battered black Ford Focus I’d bought for a song. You got what you paid for, though. And in the frigid middle of winter, I’d paid for no heat and cold seats.

“Come on girl, don’t crap out on me now,” I crooned, gently petting the dashboard.

Finally, with a sputter of ice-cold air, the engine growled and the heater rolled over.

I sighed. It was Friday morning. The ass-crack of dawn and the day couldn’t end soon enough.

Traffic was light as I pulled out and navigated to I-14, aka University Ave, one of two major veins that connected Madison and her many suburbs. My commute was ten minutes on the dot. Since I habitually left home thirty minutes early, I had plenty of time.

Maybe caffeine and sugar would perk me up and kill the depression clouding my head.

A new place called Hurts Donuts had opened a few months back. Them and Dunkin Donuts were the only two donut shops in driving distance if you didn’t count the ton of bakeries in the area. While I loved my Dunkin, I wasn’t in the mood to fight traffic heading into Madison proper.

I swung into the parking lot and made another dash through the cold and into bake shop heaven. With names like Bart Simpson, Cookie Monster, and Jesus, these weren’t your momma's donuts.

I grabbed two, one loaded with candy toppings that were sure to give me diabetes, a maple long john, and a coffee. Apparently, I’d made it just in time. As I was skipping out with my fat-and-sugar bombs, a rush of people pulled into the parking lot.

A few minutes later I made it into work. I didn’t want to go inside yet. I had ten more minutes until I needed to be at my desk. Food, other than coffee, was prohibited in the cubicles. So, I worked my way through my maple bar while checking my text messages and Facebook notifications. The Brewhouse group had a bunch of new members requesting to join. I added them in and set up the event reminder for next week. Any E-mail could wait until later. There was only one thing I should be doing, and I was procrastinating. I didn’t want to face my punishment for my actions.

I sighed.

I was such a shit friend to Jo. Not just Jo, but to everyone. I’d never wanted her, or anyone, to find out about Regi. Especially when she’d fallen in lust with him. Whatever leeway I thought I’d had in telling her about us had ended then and there. Now there were consequences.

I should have told her. I didn’t. Whatever bad karma was coming my way I’d surely earned.

I gnawed on my donut and stared at my phone. I’d demanded space last night. She was giving it to me. But I needed to talk to her before the truth festered and rotted into anger.

I loved Jo. I had the relationship with her I wanted with Licia. She was closer to me than my own sister. Closer to me than anyone. I could do social butterfly, but having true friends was difficult. I didn't let anyone past the walls.

Fucking Licia.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t know what I was going to do about that mess. Punching out one’s sister was a bad idea, right?

Finally, with only a few minutes left until I’d be tardy if I didn’t get out of the car right now, I sent Jo a quick text.

Me: Meet for lunch?

I didn’t expect her to answer me for a few hours yet. Especially if she was Kevin.

That whole relationship mystified me, yet didn’t. Kevin Harris had it bad for Jo. I’d thought he’d help her pop her cherry, teach her a few new moves, and then she’d get the confidence to move on. I hadn’t expected them to fall in love. Then again, I wasn’t sure I believed in love either. It was just a big bunch of bull the greeting cards pushed; a hormonal rush that encouraged the propagation of the species and created enchanting made for TV movies.

Love for me was pain and abandonment. It wasn’t a fairytale I wanted to chase.

Except Regi has loved you for years.

I shook my head, attempting to dislodge that little voice out of my head. My conscience was such a rag. Regi didn’t love me. He loved the chase. The moment I gave in he’d leave.

Except he had me. Many times. And he still wanted more.

Firmly shoving Regi out of my head, I grabbed my coffee, remaining donut — the rules be damned — and headed into work.

Being an entry-level employee for a public relations firm was just a fancy way of saying I was a gopher. I filled in on teams that needed an extra hand, played receptionist, and learned to juggle a hundred different requests with aplomb.

My current tasks were running coffee and a lunch order to a group of analysts holed up in a conference room and printing out a list of fund-raising ideas for one of the event coordinators. The latter was a lot of hurry up and wait. Leaning back in a chair I’d pulled into the copy room, I stretched my legs out just as my phone pinged with an incoming message.

I glanced at the screen.

Jo: Yes. Where?

Lunch was on. I was half happy and part nervous. I was hell-bent on blowing my diet. I was closing in on mid-twenties, and even I knew my metabolism wouldn’t hold for long. My maternal family had a history of having great hourglass bodies, big asses, thick thighs, that went Jabba the Hutt fat after the first baby. I didn’t want that to happen to me, so I tried watching what I ate. But with the way the day was going, the only beneficial therapy was carbs and chocolate. Later, wine. I couldn’t take an extended lunch today. Not with how busy everyone was. They would need my extra hands. So no going to my favorite pub for a pint and a po’ boy. Which meant something easy; fast food without the grease.

Me: Which Wich at 1 pm?

The sandwich shop was just a glorified Subway. It would let us get our food quick, eat, and talk.

Jo: Okay! See you then.

I nibbled on my bottom lip and stowed my phone. Jo seemed to be in a good mood.

How long would that last once she knew the depth of my sins?

**

“I thought you were doing your hermit and movie cave thing,” Jo said a few hours later while we stood in line at the sub shop. Curiosity stirred in her voice, but she was holding her deeper questions. For now. Like me, she probably didn’t want a load of strangers knowing our business.

I stared at the array of vegetables, pretending I was still deciding what I wanted to eat, even though I’d known what I’d wanted before walking in. “I might this weekend. I take it you and Kevin patched things up?”

Jo uttered a blissful sigh. Kevin was a total ass-pirate for pushing Jo away. I was glad he’d pulled his head out of his rectum. “Yes. We talked. He told me he loved me and didn’t want to be without me. We’re going to make it work.”

A spot of envy wriggled into my chest. I wished I could be as proactive as Jo was. She’d wanted Regi, and she’d gone and tried to make it happen. The situation might have backfired, or maybe turned out the way it was supposed to be, but she’d put on her big girl panties and tried.

I’d pushed Regi at her. Jo would have been good for him. Maybe he would have gotten over me. He hadn’t tried anything with her because she’d been a virgin. Kevin fixed that problem, but they’d fallen in love, effectively killing the hardcore crush she’d had on Regi. I still wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about the Regi/Jo thing other than bouts of jealousy.

Fuck. I was such a mess.

“How can I help you?” One of the three sandwich artists behind the half-glass barrier stopped in front of us.

“I’d like a large Classic Superfood Wich combo with an iced tea and a brownie.” I nearly drooled just ordering. With a black bean patty, jalapeno hummus, and a shit ton of veggies wrapped in a spinach tortilla, my taste buds were humming. It was healthy-ish, and I could absolve my guilt about ruining it with a giant ass dessert.

“And you,” she turned to Jo.

“A medium Turkey Reuben combo and a diet coke.”

We shuffled down the line as our lunch was prepared. Finally, we paid, grabbed our food, and found a two-person table towards the back. Not a lot of people ate in at the Wich but grabbed their food to go. The lack of spectators would allow us to eat and talk in quasi-privacy.

Unwrapping my sandwich, I picked up half and bit into it. Jo sipped her soda and watched me speculatively across the table.

She rattled the ice in her cup against the side. “So, you and Regi?”

I swallowed my first bite hard. I’d known the question was coming. Hell, I’d asked her out to lunch just to have a heart-to-heart with Jo. I just expected to finish lunch before getting into it.

I licked the hummus from my finger and sighed. “It’s complicated.”

Anger flashed like a solar flare in Jo’s eyes. “Is it now? Was it complicated before or after you introduced me to him, and cheer-leading me on to chase after him? Was my crushing on him some kind of game the two of you played?”

I hung my head. Jo’s anger cut me; a mortal wound adding onto the one Licia inflicted the night before. “No, it wasn’t anything like that.”

Jo unwrapped her Reuben, though she’d made no move to eat it. She poked at the sauerkraut hanging over the sides of the bun. “Have you two slept together?”

I crossed my arms across my chest in a protective instinct. Or maybe I was trying to keep my heart in my chest. It was racing. My ears thundered with my pulse. “Yes.” I barely breathed the word. It was hard to think. Harder to utter.

Seeing the pain on Jo’s face was even harder. Her brow scrunched, creating soft furrows across her forehead. “When? Were you two fucking around the whole time I was pursuing him?”

I shook my head stiffly. The depth of my lies to Jo was about to be revealed; the dirt and muck I’d shrouded our friendship with all but assured she’d hate me. “He was my first.”

Jo rocked back. Her brown eyes widened with confusion. “Wait. What? You said you lost your cherry in high school.”

I swallowed hard and nodded. Jo was a smart girl. She’d figure it out.

“You and him. Since fucking high school? The whole time?” Jo mirrored my position, her crossed arms held her anger inside just as I held my guilt.

“Not the whole time.” I closed my eyes and felt the sting of tears coat my lashes. “Off and on. We…we weren’t a thing. I didn’t want to be with him. We fooled around a few months at the end of senior year and the summer before college. He was going one way. I was going another. I never thought I’d see him again.”

Jo’s eyes narrowed, her lashes tipped low and barely hid the suspicion within. “Why is he here if he was going to college somewhere else?”

That was the question du jour. Why was Regi in Madison? “There was a huge problem at his college with the football team. A major sex scandal a few years back. They shut down the program, completely nuked any football for a few years, and allowed those who were on an athletic scholarship to transfer elsewhere. He chose to come here.”

“For you,” Jo said deadpan.

I couldn’t hide from the truth, no matter how I’d avoided it for the past two years. “For me. He’s never outright said it, but-”

Jo cut in with a sharp huff. “-If he came here for you, why aren’t you with him? Why were you pushing him to me?”

Jo was a budding therapist, doing her due diligence in stacking her class schedule so that she would be able to get into any post-graduate psychology program she wanted. She would have a field day if she knew the depth of my issues.

I fidgeted with the paper my sandwich had been wrapped in. “I don’t believe in love and happily ever after. I don’t want to rely on a man and just have him fuck me up. I don’t want to be weak.”

Jo’s anger morphed into surprise. “What about needle-dick from the gym? I thought you were in love with him.”

I wrinkled my nose. That ass-face had been such a waste of my time. “No, he was fun. I was hurt and pissed that he lied to me and was married. I don’t like being lied to.”

“That’s rich right now coming from you, Mia,” Jo said sharply.

I flinched. Score a point for Jo, but I’d deserved it.

Jo unwrapped her arms and fanned her fingers through her short purple-and-brown hair. “If you don’t want Regi, why were you so pissed about him hooking up with Licia? And what the fuck is up with her? She didn’t even look like your little sister anymore.”

Jo had met Licia once a few years ago, when I’d taken her back home to celebrate Licia’s quinceanera. That party had been the one thing mom had done right for Licia. There’d been bitterness and anger at fifteen, yes, but not the blatant hostility Licia had shown last night.

“It just…startled me is all,” I muttered.

“Bullshit, Mia. That was more than startled. You looked as if the Grim Reaper had hopped up and said boo. You were destroyed.”

I shook my head. Even though she was right. The pain of seeing Licia and Regi together had knocked me flat; a solid K.O of my emotions. “I don’t want to be with him.”

Jo tilted her head. There was a slight smile replacing the anger I’d seen. “I get it now.”

I looked up at her through my lashes. She had her “therapist” face on. “Don’t shrink me, Jo. I hate when you do that.”

She shrugged. “Maybe, but you’re going to listen anyway. What you’re doing is fucked up. Not to just him, trying to shove him onto other women and hoping he moves on. But to you too. You need to get yourself together. You need to decide. Either give the two of you a chance or cut him out. Completely. No hanging on and doing this “we can be friends” dance. Love him, or leave him.”

I stared at Jo. Her confidence when she talked about matters of the heart, at least when it concerned everyone but her, shone through. It dazzled me.

“What about him and Licia,” I managed.

“Oh please. Do you really think if he’d known she was your sister he’d ever have touched her with a ten-foot pole? You heard him last night. I kind of think he’s a bit more of the victim here than her or even you. You’ve been a bitch to him, Mia. Stop it.” Jo’s assessment cut me to the quick. She usually didn’t call me on my bullshit. I squirmed as she looked at me in a new way. I wasn’t sure I liked it, but the masks were off; the rose-colored glasses destroyed. For better or worse, Jo saw the real me now.

What was I going to do?

Could I let Regi go? Could I completely shove him out of my life?

My heart seized and sent a fresh wave of grief through me.

My mind said yes. My heart said fuck no.

I was screwed.