After the disastrous run in with Von, Justin had gone straight to bed, hoping a nap would clear his head. He hadn’t slept at all. Instead, he’d stared at his bedroom ceiling and tortured himself. There wasn’t a second of Von that Justin didn’t remember. If he closed his eyes, he swore he could still feel Von’s heat and smell the man’s cologne. Each time he’d buried his nose against the crook of Von’s neck still lived inside Justin’s head. For the millionth time, Justin wished the love would die. His hatred was bigger now, but the love—goddamn that shit was still there, slowly killing him.

He checked his phone and noticed he’d missed a message from Jamie.

Jamie: I went by your work and you were gone. Is everything okay?

Fuck. He’d been so pissed off at Von, he’d forgotten to let Jamie know he didn’t need to pick him up after work. Goddamn it. Hawke and Jamie had been so good to him. Justin growled. Von always made Justin lose his head. He shot a quick text off to Jamie.

Justin: I’m SO sorry. Von showed up and gave me a ride home.

Jamie: Is everything okay? Do we need to help you hide the body? I can afford to get away with one murder.

Justin smiled for the first time since seeing Von. Without Jamie and Hawke, Justin was scared to think what would’ve happened to him these past few months.

Justin: No. I’m okay. That’s a lie. I’m not okay, but I’ll survive. I always do.

Jamie: We’ll be around if you need us. I have a shovel and an alibi. I’m not afraid to use either.

Justin: Thank you. Love you guys.

Jamie: We love you too.

They would be around for another two weeks and then the pair would have no choice but to head back across the pond. Jamie’s tour was near its end and their baby would be arriving soon. They couldn’t hold Justin’s hand forever. In truth, he’d leaned on them for too long already. He was so weak. Sometimes, he sickened himself. Why couldn’t he just deal with being alone? As if proving how weak he was, Justin scrolled through his contacts until he found Von’s name. He unblocked him. The instant his finger hit the button, undoing three months of the wall he’d built, Justin hated himself for it. A sick pit of despair rose inside him.

The phone rang, pulling Justin from his misery. He checked the face of his cellphone. It was his mom. That gave Justin pause. Justin checked the time. His mom always called at the same time every day. Five hours had passed since Von had dropped him off. Justin blinked at the face of his phone. Had he really lain here, stewing for that long? Growling over his stupidity, Justin answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, baby. How’re you feeling today?”

Without thought, Justin drew a slow breath through his nose. He felt too many things to pick a single emotion. Instead, he lied. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Crazy busy, as always. Hey, sweetie, I need you to send me a list of who you owe and how much.”

“Why?” Justin asked, taken aback by his mom’s sudden interest.

“I want to help.”

Justin sighed. “Mom, you’re not in the position…” Suspicion sneaked in. “Wait. Did Von put you up to this?” The silence meeting Justin’s question was all the answer he needed. “No. I don’t want anything from Von.”

“Baby, he’s only trying to help, and he should. This is all his fault.”

A snort escaped Justin. “Von is a piece of shit, but he didn’t give me cancer.”

“No,” his mom agreed. “He didn’t, but you wouldn’t be in this financial position if he hadn’t made you all those empty promises. The least he can do is pay your bills. I told him that too.”

Justin groaned. “Mom…”

“Don’t ‘mom’ me. Just listen. I had a long talk with Von. He’s just a person—like everyone. He makes mistakes the same as everyone else on the planet. First off, he didn’t know about your diagnosis.”

“That’s because I didn’t want him to know. Nobody wants someone to stay with them out of pity.”

“Secondly,” Kate said over the top of Justin, as if he wasn’t speaking. “He knows what he did was wrong, but that boy loves you. Let him make things right. I taught you to forgive people. Not to mention, anything worth having is worth fighting for.”

“I hate that saying,” Justin growled before he could stop. “For real. That saying makes people believe they should fight for what they want, even if the battle is killing them. Every time I’ve put up with some bullshit from Von, I’ve thought, surely if I’ve fought this long and hard to be with him, then we must be meant to be. But what I’ve learned is—that saying is a crock of shit. In truth, I think I’ve had to fight so hard to keep him because fate was trying to tell me I was on the wrong path. Otherwise, he would’ve fought for me too, right?” Even Justin heard the pain in his voice, but he couldn’t mask it. It didn’t matter how he felt. They were still over. Von had still left him, no matter the promises he’d made. It was as if they’d been a dream Justin never wanted to wake from. Only Von’s clothes, in the drawer he’d claimed to want, proved they’d ever happened at all. Justin wondered if he should burn them. Maybe it would be cleansing.

“There once was a chance I didn’t take,” Kate said, pulling Justin from his depressing thoughts.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Mom, please don’t tell the nursing school story again.”

“But our lives might’ve been so different if I’d taken that chance,” she argued.

Justin didn’t hesitate in his counter. “Or, I might not have been born.”

“My point is,” Kate said, speaking over him. “For the rest of my life, I’ll wonder if we could’ve had a nicer home, gone on better vacations, or lived somewhere you would’ve had an easier time if I’d been braver and gone to school. I worry, if you never take a leap of faith, that you’ll wake up one day with more regrets than you can count.”

“I only have one regret,” Justin said, not bothering to hide his animosity, “and that’s ever setting eyes on Von Wolf.”

Kate sighed. “I’m always on your side, but sometimes you have to forgive people. Not for their sake, but for yours.”

“I’m not strong enough to lose him again.” Justin heard the confession fall from his lips as if the words came from someone else. He didn’t want to be saying them, but he couldn’t avoid the truth.

“Are you strong enough to see him end up with someone else?” Kate asked ruthlessly. “Because that’s what will eventually happen, you know? His face is always plastered all over the news. The minute he meets someone else, you’ll have to watch it happen. You’ll have to sit back and accept it could’ve been you. Can you do that?” His mom had always been the brutally honest type.

“I don’t know,” Justin answered honestly.

“Then you’re not done,” Kate said, sounding triumphant. “Until you don’t give a damn where he ends up, you’re not finished. Next time you see him, I want you to picture him with someone else, and then go with your gut.”

Justin rolled his eyes since she couldn’t see him. “If you say so.”

“I do, and now I want you to send me all your bills.”

“No, Mom,” Justin said, drawing the line at her demand.

“Justin Edward Marks, send those fucking bills to me or I will make you sorry.”

At the use of his full name, Justin blinked. He was certain he hadn’t been called by his full name since he was eight. “Uh, yes, ma’am.”

“Today,” she added. “Scan them and email them to me.”

“All right.” Justin winced as he agreed, but he had no other choice. She was his mom.

Her tone softened at Justin’s agreement. “I love you, baby. Everything will be okay. You’ll see.”

“I hope so. I love you too.”

“Call me tomorrow.”

“I will,” Justin said, even though she should’ve known he would. Since his diagnosis, they’d spoken every day. After all, he no longer knew if one day soon would be his last. Giving up on his pity party, Justin pushed from the bed and went in search of food. In truth, he wasn’t even hungry, but it wasn’t as if he had anything else to do.

Justin opened cabinet doors and slammed them closed again. Nothing appealed to him. Of course, nowadays, everything tasted like ash anyhow. He should just pick something and settle. Ugh. Justin stamped into his shoes and pulled on his usual stocking cap. Fuck it. Even if he had to drive around all night, he wouldn’t fucking settle. Justin knew he was being ridiculous. He just didn’t care. Wasn’t settling what he always did? To hell with that. He ripped open the front door with more force than necessary. Von scrambled to catch himself from where he’d obviously been sitting against the door, waiting.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Justin asked as he stepped out and pulled the door closed behind him.

Von cleared his throat as if he hadn’t expected to get caught or Justin had woken him. “I’m being here for you,” Von answered, sounding unsure.

“You’re also breaking your word,” Justin reminded him.

Von shook his head. “I wasn’t bothering you.”

“You are now,” Justin said, pushing past him and headed for his car.

Von was hot on his heels. “Where do you need to go? I’ll take you.”

“There’s no food in my house. I think I’ll hit the drive-thru,” he tacked on, because he knew Von would hate it.

“I’ll drive.”

Von’s offer had Justin drawing up short. He eyed Von for a moment. “You want to take me to get food that you think is bad for me?”

“I’m not your dad,” Von said with a shrug. “If that’s what you want, I’ll drive.”

It was obvious Von wasn’t going away. Even if Justin shot him down, Von would be waiting on Justin’s doorstep for him to return. At least, if Von drove, Justin had the option to jump from the car. Von was too big for Justin to push him out. He shoved his keys in his pocket and changed directions, heading for the truck. Von raced ahead and opened the door for him. Justin realized, as Von slid behind the wheel, his non-nap had calmed him. The immediate inferno of anger over seeing Von again had settled into a simmer.

“Where am I headed?”

Justin shrugged. “I didn’t have a place in mind. Pick something. If you’ve spent all day outside my apartment, I’m sure you’re hungry too.”

Von kept his gaze locked on the road. “Does that mean I’m welcome to eat with you?”

Justin thought it over. In the grand scheme of things, a meal didn’t matter. “I suppose.”

While Von drove, Justin stared at the man’s profile. His mom’s words rang through his head. Could he live with Von being with someone else? Rage boiled in Justin’s gut. He’d fucking kill him. Justin turned away, choosing to look at the scenery instead. The sky was violet streaked with orange. Any minute now, the sun would disappear, leaving them in darkness as well as silence. He could feel himself weakening. Life wasn’t fair. Anger was all he had.

Von’s voice broke the silence. “Will you tell me what happened?”

The soft note to Von’s heavy accent made the backs of Justin’s eyes sting. When he’d been in the hospital—when he’d needed Von the most, that was the tone he’d craved. It was soothing and tricked him into believing he wasn’t alone in this, but he was.

Justin sniffed, fighting back the hot press of tears. He couldn’t look at Von. “Um,” Justin said, clearing his throat and trying to decide where to start. “I had another clot. This time, it couldn’t be explained away by recent surgery. Plus, my white blood cell count was ridiculously high. They put a filter in my abdomen to catch any future clots, but it wasn’t a normal thing to happen, you know?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Von nod. “So, it’s lung cancer.”

Justin startled at Von’s words. “How did you know that?” Even as he asked the question, he knew. Von was smarter than everyone else. If he’d been there, he would’ve hounded the doctors while reassuring Justin. Justin wouldn’t have been left with more questions than answers.

Von shrugged. “That’s the most likely thing to cause hypercoagulation. Since you’ve never been a smoker, I’m assuming they suspect Radon exposure.”

All Justin could do was stare at Von in disbelief. The man knew every fucking thing about every fucking thing. “I have no idea. They didn’t tell me anything other than I have cancer and let’s start treating it. I had questions, of course, but they just kept telling me it could’ve been any number of things.”

Von nodded. “Probably Radon exposure. It’s more common than you realize. I never thought about it before, but you were raised in the country, drinking well water. Then you grew up and got a job working in a lab that’s located underground. If their ventilation wasn’t solid, who knows?”

Despite everything, an unexpected smile exploded across Justin’s face. “Guess I should’ve listened to all your long-winded speeches about my unhealthy lifestyle.”

Von didn’t smile. A lump rose in Justin’s throat. The confession sideswiped Justin and escaped without his permission. “I don’t know which is worse—the possibility of dying or having lost you. It’s pretty much a cruel tie.” Without warning, Von pulled to the side of the road. All Justin could do was watch as he jumped from the truck, slamming the door behind him as he went. Justin’s door flew open, and he was in Von’s arms. The heat rolling off the man’s chest warmed Justin’s cheek. He didn’t pull away or argue. Instead, Justin pressed closer and forced his mind blank. His eyes already burned from the effort it took not to fall apart.

“You’re not allowed to die. I won’t let you.”

“I don’t belong to you anymore. You should go back to Phoenix and never think of me again.”

Von’s hold tightened.

Justin pushed at his chest. “I’m hungry.” He swiped at his eyes as he made the claim. Von’s touch hurt—way more than Justin could’ve anticipated. The rest of the ride was made in silence. When Von pulled into the parking lot of a familiar restaurant, Justin considered crying foul. It was the same pizza place they’d gone to on their first date. Justin decided he wouldn’t give the man the satisfaction of seeing his pain. Instead, he held his head high and went inside. A long litany of curse words rang through Justin’s head as he stepped through the door. The place smelled amazing.

Unlike the last time they were there, Von didn’t try bullying his way into Justin’s side of the booth. He sat across from Justin and held his stare. Justin almost got up and joined Von on his side just so the man wouldn’t look at him anymore.

“Tell me about your treatments.”

Justin opened the menu and ignored Von’s demand. “Tell me what’s happening with the suspension.”

Von didn’t respond. Instead, the menu disappeared from Justin’s hands. Von replaced it with his phone. “I’ve been texting you about it.”

Justin dropped his gaze to the device in his hands. It was open to a line of unanswered texts. “I blocked you five seconds after you dumped me.”

“I suspected as much,” Von said, sounding bland.

Rather than reading too much into his words, Justin scrolled back to the first unanswered message and read.

Von: I’m sorry.

* * *

Von: I miss you.

* * *

Von: Fuck, Justin. I wish you’d answer me so I can take it all back.

* * *

Von: So I guess you’re really done with me this time. I know you probably don’t care, but I love you.

Justin rubbed his chest, wishing he didn’t have to do this.

* * *

Von: I was released from the team today, even though the league hasn’t ruled on my case yet. Per my contract, if I get into any trouble in the first two years, I can be released without penalty. Since I know I haven’t done anything wrong, I’ve decided to sue. Damn, what a mess my life has become. I know this bullshit is what I spared you from, but—at the same time—I also recognize I should’ve never let you go. Fuck, Justin. I never know what the right thing is. Before you, I’d never loved anyone. I don’t know why I fuck up everything I touch. The harder I try to keep from hurting you, the more damage I do. You’re right to hate me. It’s good you ignore me. I’m not worth anyone’s time.

Justin looked up. “You were released? Why would they do that?”

“It wasn’t personal,” Von said, sounding unconcerned. “They had a lot of money tied up in me and no permanent forward. Letting me go freed up the money they needed to find someone to take my place. In short, it was cheaper to fight a lawsuit than pay me for nothing.”

Tearing his gaze away from the blue of Von’s eyes that he enjoyed too much, Justin went back to reading.

* * *

Von: Since you never respond to any of my texts, I’m guessing you have me blocked, or you hate me, or both. I don’t blame you. This is the only outlet I have, so I keep texting, needing to tell you I love you. The day I said you shouldn’t move here, I broke three bones in my hand after putting my fist through the wall. I can admit that here because I don’t think you’ll ever see it. Justin, I don’t know how to love you the way you deserve. No one has ever shown me how. To my father, I was a lifelong science project. I had no friends or family who loved me or needed my love. From birth, I was taught nothing mattered more than greatness and achieving goals. The best way I know how to love you is by not publicly embarrassing you. Right now, it’s not setting well in my gut. Tell me how to love you. I feel like you were my greatest achievement. At the same time, I must be your biggest letdown. Show me how to fix it.

For a moment, Justin stared at the messages and read them again twice. He swallowed, trying to make the permanent lump in his throat go away. “Did the league ever rule on your case?” Justin asked with his gaze still locked on the phone.

“They ruled there wasn’t enough evidence to support the claim of any wrongdoing on my part.”

“Will Phoenix hire you back now?” Justin didn’t know why he still couldn’t look at Von, but he couldn’t.

“No.”

Justin looked up then. “Why? Is it because they gave your spot away?”

Von shook his head. “Instead of dragging out a long court battle, I settled out of court. As part of the settlement, I retired.”

Shock rendered Justin speechless. When he found his voice, Justin sounded every bit as surprised as he felt. “Why? You love hockey. It’s not what you do, it’s a part of who you are. Why would you retire and leave it behind?”

With a sigh, Von leaned forward and set his elbows on the table. His gaze never left Justin’s and Justin couldn’t look away. “Hockey left me behind after the suspension. The games came and went each week without me there. Teams won and lost. I didn’t even check the scores. After a while, I realized most of my anger was righteous indignation. I knew I hadn’t been under contract or signed with any team when I met that ref. Nothing sucks worse than getting punished and humiliated for something you didn’t do. But I made another discovery. Hockey isn’t my greatest love. You are.”

“Are you ready to order?”

Justin tore his gaze away and focused on the red-haired waitress. “Um, yeah. We’ll have the manager’s special with two waters. He wants lemon, but I don’t.”

“You got it,” she said, walking away. Too late, Justin realized he should’ve dragged out giving their order a little longer. Without the waitress there, Justin had nothing to focus on for longer than five seconds at a time. It was always only a matter of time before his gaze slid back to Von. He didn’t think Von ever looked away from him.

“You’ve lost your eyelashes,” Von said out of the blue. “I take it you’re doing chemo.”

Well, wasn’t this fucking fantastic? Not only did he already feel subconscious about the way he looked, now Von felt the need to point it out. Justin tapped his fingers on the table and stared at the wall over Von’s shoulder. “I’ve already lost most of my hair. Thanks for noticing.”

“You’re stunning.”

The temptation to roll his eyes was real.

“Two waters. One with the lemon,” the waitress said, reappearing and setting their drinks on the table. “Can I get you anything else while you’re waiting?” Justin smiled and shook his head. She was off again, leaving them alone.

Von stood, grabbed his water, and shoved Justin over on the bench. His heart cried out in denial as Von’s large frame crowded his space. Justin’s traitorous body let out a little hum. Von was so warm. Justin was always cold nowadays.

“You still have my phone.”

Justin glanced down in surprise. It was Von’s phone he twirled in his hands, needing something to keep him busy. “Sorry.” Justin passed it over. Von’s hand engulfed Justin’s, phone and all. He held on, forcing Justin to meet his stare.

“Your hands are cold.”

Something black rose inside Justin. “Is my nose red too? Maybe you’d like to point out the dark circles under my eyes. You have me trapped here, so now’s the time for you to log all your complaints about my current state.”

Instead of getting sucked into Justin’s bitterness, Von set his phone aside and threw his arm over Justin’s shoulders. He tucked Justin closer once again, making Justin’s stupid body happier than it had been in ages. “It’s funny, you know?”

Justin seriously considered punching him. “Now I’m funny to you. This keeps getting better by the minute.”

A low chuckle slipped from Von. The sound hit Justin in the chest. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. What I meant is—it’s funny how when we’re apart, I question if I can love you the way you deserve.” Von’s gaze dropped to Justin’s mouth. “When we’re together, I know no one else could possibly love you more than I do.”

“Here you go, guys—one manager’s special. A large vegetarian thin crust. Can I get you anything else?”

“And you still love me,” Von said, ignoring the waitress.

Justin couldn’t tear his gaze away from Von’s intense stare. The texts he’d read on Von’s phone wouldn’t leave his brain or heart in peace. Von had begged for forgiveness. It wasn’t like he’d waited either. He’d wanted to take his words back immediately, but Justin had him blocked. It didn’t matter. Justin hurt. It fucking mattered because Justin hurt. “No.”

“I’ll come back,” the waitress said, sounding uncomfortable.

“You don’t like vegetarian pizza. Only I do. Yet this is what you ordered. You might be angry. Hell, you should be, but you still put me ahead of yourself. You still love me.”

Justin’s vision dimmed around the edges. Each breath came harder than the last. He hated these moments. The stress of Von was too much for Justin’s weak body, but he couldn’t stop arguing. “I’m not hungry and I don’t love you.” Unfortunately, Justin panted the words as he struggled for oxygen, taking away the power from his claim. Justin snapped his teeth together and sucked air. God, he hated this. He fucking hated Von.

* * *

Panic squeezed at Von’s heart. Justin’s face had gone pale. He wheezed with every breath. He was certain Justin hadn’t noticed the way he’d surrendered more of his weight to Von until Von was practically the only thing keeping him upright in the booth.

Von cast a desperate look around. He spotted the waitress and waved her over. “Could you box this up and bring me the check?”

Her gaze slid Justin’s way. A hint of worry crossed her features, but she didn’t let her cheerful tone slip. “Sure.” Von appreciated her not pointing out Justin’s state. He doubly appreciated the way she rushed through getting them out of there, and he showed it by leaving her a huge tip. Von carried the pizza in one hand while keeping Justin upright with one arm around his waist. The fact that Justin didn’t argue said more than the man’s harsh breathing. After helping him into the truck, Von buckled the man’s seat belt for him. The ride back to Justin’s apartment was made in silence with the exception of every breath Justin struggled to draw. Those were ragged and rapid. Von felt more helpless by the minute. He couldn’t decide if he needed to take Justin home or the hospital. By the time they made it to Justin’s place, Justin had leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Von didn’t think he was sleeping.

“Hand me your keys and I’ll unlock the door first.”

Proving Von had been right about him not sleeping, Justin dug his keys from his pocket and passed them Von’s way. Von unlocked the door, tossed the pizza inside, and went back for Justin. Rather than allowing Justin to lean on him, Von swept the man into his arms and carried him inside. Justin still didn’t argue. Von thought he’d known real fear before now. He thought he’d been scared of losing Justin before. There was no comparison. Von ground his back teeth to stop them from chattering. It wasn’t hard for Von to find Justin’s room in the one-bedroom apartment. He kept his eyes locked on his path—straight to Justin’s bed—to keep from losing his shit. Von wasn’t strong in the ways that mattered. He couldn’t survive knowing Justin wasn’t in the world somewhere—alive and happy. He wasn’t strong enough to be left behind.

“Still hate you,” Justin said as Von pulled off his shoes and tucked him into bed.

He kept his gaze locked on his task. “You should.”

“I believed in you.”

A lump rose in Von’s throat.

“I needed you,” Justin said so low Von barely heard.

Von’s eyes burned from the hot press of tears. “You deserved better. I will be better. Now, tell me how I can help.” The low, raspy tint to Von’s voice was out of his control. He hurt more than he ever thought possible.

Justin’s eyes were closed. His chest expanded as if he was concentrating on his breathing. “There’s a bag on the kitchen table. It looks like a backpack. My oxygen is inside.”

Von didn’t need to hear more. He was off, easily finding the machine and returning to Justin’s side. Without asking for Justin’s permission, he put the mask on Justin’s face. Justin didn’t budge or complain. Terror had Von checking Justin’s pulse. It was steady. Either he’d passed out or had fallen asleep. While sucking air, Von bent at the waist and set his forehead on Justin’s chest. If he’d ever been more scared in his life, he couldn’t remember it. He didn’t have the strength to leave Justin alone. In fact, if Justin wanted him gone, he’d have to call the police to pry him out of there, because Von couldn’t do it.

Once he had his breathing under control, Von walked through the house. After finding a spot in the fridge for the pizza, he checked the locks and turned out the lights before returning to Justin’s side. He peeled off the man’s socks. Von knew how much Justin hated sleeping in them. Next, he rearranged the pillows, making a spot for Justin’s oxygen where it wouldn’t move. Once he had everything arranged just right, he ensured the covers were tucked around Justin’s body before kicking off his shoes and crawling in beside Justin.

For the longest time, he simply listened to Justin breathing. He’d missed the feeling of having Justin sleeping beside him. Being without this man had been like missing a limb. The time he’d spent fighting his suspension seemed so petty and useless. He’d stuck to his workout routine and private ice sessions, expecting he’d rejoin the season at any moment. He’d fought, thinking the sooner he had shit together, the sooner he could fix things with Justin. Von could’ve flown back and tried winning Justin back sooner, but his attention would’ve been split between issues. Justin deserved to have his undivided attention. Now Justin had it, whether he wanted it or not. Von would stop at nothing to win this man. Maybe he hadn’t always been good at proving it, but Justin was the greatest love of Von’s life. No way in hell would Justin ever get rid of him. Even Justin’s hatred was better than nothing at all.