I DID LOVE Riley. He was one hundred percent right about that.
I loved him so much it scared me.
So much it hurt.
Was love supposed to hurt like this? It felt like a physical pain, deep in my gut that was twisting and clawing at me from the inside for so long that it was becoming part of me.
I didn’t like that. I didn’t want to love him.
I was terrified of what would happen when he came to his senses and realized I didn’t really belong in his life, that he was better off without me. It always happened, after all.
Every time I loved someone, I lost them.
Loving Riley terrified me.
But I couldn’t tell him I loved him. I couldn’t put it in words. That would make it too real. If I kept it to myself, all locked up inside, then maybe it wouldn’t ever become real enough that the universe could conspire to take him away from me. Or me away from him.
That was what I told myself, at least. But even I wasn’t stupid enough to think the world really worked that way. I might have once been naïve enough to think that life would work out like the happy-ever-after endings in romance novels, but I’d grown up a lot since then. I now knew that marriages of convenience often weren’t all that convenient. And even when they worked out, they were messy.
Life was messy. Ours was no different.
This wasn’t a fairy tale, and there was no such thing as a happy-ever-after ending in the real world.
The truth was, I’d lose him whether he knew I loved him or not. I didn’t know what would happen or why, but I was bound to lose him. That was the way my life worked. But acknowledging that I loved him would make it hurt so much worse when he was gone.
That was what I told myself, at least. But everywhere I looked, it seemed the universe was trying to tell me the opposite.
I had lunch one day with Katie Babcock and Anne at a local Chinese restaurant. They wanted to get me out of the house and away from the kitten for a little while, which, admittedly, was something I needed. We each ate a fortune cookie and read our fortunes aloud. Mine said, “If you want the rainbow, you have to tolerate the rain.” Katie’s read: “Love because it is the only true adventure.” Anne’s read: “Love like there is no tomorrow.”
It seemed karma was intent on passing along a message to me.
I wadded up all the lying strips of paper, tossing the fortunes in the trash on our way out of the restaurant. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to whatever messages the universe wanted to give me. At least not if they were messages like those, which encouraged me to leave myself open to getting hurt.
Another time, Katie and her sister, Dani, came by to take me out shopping along with Bea Castillo, from the school. We walked past the food court in the mall, and the combined scents did a number on me. I had to excuse myself and rush off to the bathroom to puke up my guts again.
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Dani asked me when I returned from the restroom. But then she glanced over at Katie and mouthed Sorry.
“I can’t be pregnant,” I said. “It’s just a stomach bug. I’ll be fine later.”
“Have you missed a period?” Bea asked.
“I don’t…” Yeah, I probably had, but I hadn’t thought about it because of all the upheaval going on in my life. That had been the very last thing on my mind. “Oh,” I said, my voice dropping. “But there’s been so much going on, don’t you think it could just be stress making me late?”
“Whatever you say,” Dani said, “but maybe you should get one of those pee sticks, just to be sure.”
Katie turned around right then and started heading the other direction without saying a word.
“Shit,” Dani said. “Sorry. Be back in a minute.” Then she raced after her sister.
“Do you know what that’s about?” I asked Bea, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. I didn’t want to intrude on Katie’s private life, and this could be something invasive.
“Katie’s been having problems getting pregnant. And I think she miscarried recently, but I’m not sure. I thought she was pregnant when Dani got married. But if she was, she should be showing by now, you know? That was months ago. But she’s not showing. She doesn’t really talk about it much, whatever it is.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say other than that. This was definitely invasive and something that was none of my business unless Katie wanted it to be. But why would she want to let me in on her private affairs?
A few minutes later, the sisters returned, Katie carrying a small bag from a drug store. She passed the bag into my hands. “Here. Take the test. Then you’ll know, one way or the other. It’s better to know. Because if you are pregnant, you need to be taking prenatal vitamins and getting checkups with your ob-gyn, and doing all sorts of other things to make sure the baby will be all right. There’s a lot that goes into pregnancy. A lot you need to be doing right from the start. Don’t mess around.”
“Thanks,” I replied. I felt like I ought to say something more, but I didn’t want to let on what Bea had told me. It felt as if I were stepping over the line, crossing into territory where I hadn’t been invited.
Katie gave me a kind smile, though, which eased my mind somewhat.
But I wasn’t in any great hurry to take the pregnancy test. I didn’t think I was pregnant. Riley had used a condom every time we’d had sex, and besides, we hadn’t been married that long. Most couples had to actively try to get pregnant, didn’t they?
And while Riley might want to have a baby with me, we certainly hadn’t done anything about making that happen yet.
I couldn’t be pregnant. It just wasn’t possible. Not yet.
That was what I told myself, at least.
I set the test on the counter in the bathroom, so it would be there if I changed my mind, but then I pushed the thought from my head.
The remaining days of the team’s road trip went by in a flash while somehow dragging along at a tedious pace at the same time. I was turning into something resembling a zombie.
I had an alarm set to go off on my cell phone every two hours so I could get up and feed Phoebe her bottle of kitten formula. Max and Lola both got up every time to supervise, typically resting their chins on my knees so they could be right there to lend a paw if needed.
After I fed her, I wiped her bottom with a warm, wet cloth, simulating the mother’s tongue to encourage her bowels to move, just like they’d taught me at the veterinarian’s office. She also had to be burped, just like a baby, so that the air wouldn’t be trapped in her belly and cause her pain. Then, typically, all four of us went back to bed.
For now, Phoebe was sleeping in a basket lined with baby blankets that Brie Burns and Jessica Ericsson had brought over, with one of Riley’s heating pads underneath the blankets running constantly on low. She was so small at this point, and she wasn’t able to regulate her own body temperature, so the veterinarian had stressed how important it was for me to keep her warm.
I kept her basket on my nightstand when I was in bed, so I’d be right there to take care of her if she needed anything. During the day when I was up and about, I moved her basket from room to room with me, always making sure we were close to an outlet for her heating pad.
By the time the team returned from their road trip, I might as well have been sleepwalking through life. The first couple of days hadn’t been so bad, but the constant interruptions to my sleep were taking a toll. Plus I still hadn’t fully gotten past the stomach bug, which I was sure was only adding to my general sense of malaise and lethargy.
They flew back after a game, so it was the middle of the night when Riley unlocked the door, prompting Max and Lola to race down the stairs to greet him, barking like lunatics. They were always excited when Riley came home, even if he’d only been gone for an hour or two, but this was the first time I’d experienced the exuberance that accompanied his return after a road trip. They were loud enough to wake the neighbors. At least we were all up, anyway, because it was time to feed little Phoebe.
“Down, Lola. Max,” Riley said, his voice traveling up the stairs to greet me. My chest ached at the sound of it because I’d missed him so much. “You’re going to wake your mama if you don’t be quiet.”
“I’m awake,” I called out, trying to get the bottle’s nipple into Phoebe’s mouth despite my bleary eyes making it next to impossible. Not to mention the fact that she was nearly frantic for her meal, so she was wildly flailing her front paws. Her claws were like tiny razors at this point, and my hands were covered in infinitesimal, painful scars.
In no time, the rumble of human and canine feet barreling up the stairs greeted me. Then Riley was standing in the doorway of the bedroom, scruffy and sexy and all man. Both dogs pushed past him to hurry back over to their baby, their tails wagging so hard they were creating a breeze.
He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of him and his head cocked to the side in wonder as he watched me feeding the kitten. “This shouldn’t turn me on, right?” he said. “You being all maternal and whatnot. This shouldn’t make me horny as hell.”
A familiar flutter started up in my belly and rushed through my limbs before settling as a soft thrumming sensation in my sex. My cheeks flushed, and I had no doubt every other part of my body would soon follow.
I glanced up from watching Phoebe taking her bottle, just in time to see Riley moving his hand to stroke himself over his pants. When I lifted my gaze to his face, his eyes were almost solid black with longing.
“I missed you, baby doll,” he said in a choked voice. “God, I need you.”
I hadn’t realized just how badly I needed to be with him, too, until precisely that moment. “Give me five minutes to finish feeding her and get her back into bed.”
“Done.” He shoved the dogs out of the bedroom and shut the door, despite their protests, and then started stripping off his clothes.
I knew I ought to be paying attention to Phoebe, making sure she didn’t choke on her bottle, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off my husband. He was so strong and lean, his muscles all defined to the point you could practically see their power. I felt my desire growing within me just from looking at him—a hardening of my nipples, the telltale wetness between my legs.
It was only when he stepped into the bathroom for a condom that I remembered the pregnancy test was still on the counter, perfectly obvious since we tended to keep the counter clear. Too late for me to get up and hide it.
Sure enough, Riley came back into the bedroom, not with a condom but with the test. He met my eyes with a look of wonder. “Are you pregnant? Tell me you’re pregnant.”
“I don’t—I don’t know. I don’t think so. But Katie thought I should check.” And now I wished I’d thought to stash the box in a drawer or cabinet, maybe with my tampons or somewhere else he wouldn’t have noticed it, because I didn’t want to get his hopes up.
“That’s why you’ve been sick lately, isn’t it? You didn’t have a stomach flu.” Already, he was ripping open the box and taking out the instructions. He sat down next to me on the bed so he could use the lamplight to read.
“I don’t think I’m pregnant,” I said feebly. But to be honest, I wasn’t sure. The more I’d thought about it since Katie had handed me that box, the more I believed I might be.
But was I ready for that?
Were we ready for that? We still argued about toothpaste and dishes.
Riley didn’t look up from the leaflet. “You missed your period, didn’t you? You haven’t had one since we’ve been together. I would have noticed. When should it have been?’
“I don’t know.” That was a lie. I knew exactly. My cycle was like clockwork. It should’ve happened two weeks ago.
“Well, you should’ve surely had one in the time we’ve been back from our honeymoon, but you haven’t. So I’d guess you’re far enough along that the test will tell us something. Here.” He took out the cup and removed it from the plastic wrapper. “Go pee in this and then we’ll put the stick in it to see.”
“I don’t need to pee,” I complained, even though I could probably make it happen. “And besides, I need to burp the kitten.”
Gingerly, he lifted Phoebe out of my hands and held her against his chest. “What do I do? Just pat her with a finger or something? She’s too tiny to need a whole hand.”
It appeared I wasn’t getting out of this, no matter how many excuses I came up with. Scowling, I took the cup and went into the bathroom to fill it. “How long does the stick need to sit in there before we know?” I asked, washing my hands.
“Five minutes. What do I need to do next for Phoebe?” he asked.
“Has she burped?”
“A couple of times. They were kind of tiny, but she’s pretty tiny, too. I think she’s all right.”
“We need to rub her bottom with a warm, wet cloth for a minute.” I prepared a washcloth myself since I was already in the bathroom, then brought it over to show him how it was done. “Doesn’t look like she’s going to give us anything this time.” Which was more than all right with me. Kitten poop wouldn’t exactly set the mood.
“Now what?” Riley asked. She was itty bitty to begin with, but in his big hands she looked smaller than ever. But he was so gentle with her, so careful. I couldn’t help it that my heart melted a bit more. Every time I thought I knew all there was to know about my husband, he showed me something new.
No wonder I was falling in love with him. And I didn’t have the first clue how to slow it down or, better yet, stop it from happening. Pretty sure it was too late.
I was toast.
“Now we put her back in her bed and make sure she’s warm,” I said. “She’ll need to sleep now that she’s got a full belly.”
“Got it.” Carefully, he placed her on top of her heating pad and tugged a baby blanket up over her, tucking her in and stroking a single finger over the top of her head. She fidgeted for a minute, letting out small squeaky sounds, but then she was still, cozy and warm in her bed, perfectly content with her formula filling her up.
Yeah, Riley would be an excellent father. I couldn’t stop myself from imagining his big, strong hands holding a baby the way he’d held our kitten. My heart flooded with warmth at the image even as my nerves threatened to strangle me. How could I want that for him when I was so terrified of it for myself?
“Think it’s been five minutes yet?” he asked.
I shrugged. I didn’t particularly want to go look at the test strip. A combination of fear, nerves, and excitement had my stomach in knots.
“Want me to look?” he asked.
I nodded.
He got up and headed into the bathroom, but he didn’t say anything. He was quiet for so long my stomach dropped. But I didn’t know what his silence meant. Was he so happy he couldn’t speak? Or was it disappointment that had stolen his tongue?
I reached over and stroked a finger down Phoebe’s back to calm my nerves while I waited.
When he came back into the bedroom, Riley’s eyes were so dark and intense they were almost black. “We’re having a baby.”
“We’re having a baby?” I repeated. I couldn’t process it. My shock was too great. My fear was too intense. My joy was too complete. I didn’t know how all of those emotions could be inside me at the same time. I couldn’t tell which was the most prominent. They were all vying for the top spot, and I felt like I was going to burst.
“Yep. We’re having a baby.” Then he was over me, pressing me back against the mattress, his mouth and hands everywhere just how I liked them, and my surprise gave way to desire.
The few days we’d spent apart had built up such a need within us both that in almost no time, I was shuddering with release—well before he’d even entered me.
“Fuck, baby doll, I love watching you come,” he murmured. And then he was inside me, his mouth on mine, his body covering every bit of me.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my legs around his waist, and held on tight.
“That’s right,” he said, his lips by my ear as he pressed himself home over and over. “Just hold on to me. Don’t let me go.”
“I’m not letting go.”
“Don’t ever let me go. Because I’m not letting you go. I love you, Mackenzie. I love you so much I can’t stand it.” Then, with a groan, he spilled himself inside me, a spurt of warmth that started in my core and slowly spread all the way out to the farthest reaches of my limbs.
This was the first time we’d made love without a condom, and the sensation nearly overwhelmed me.
For a moment, he was still, his weight pinning me to the mattress while we both struggled to breathe. But then he put a hand between our bodies and rubbed me between my legs until I was clenching and trembling with my own release.
“I love you,” he said again, his face buried against the pillow, the slight hint of stubble scratching my cheek. “And you love me, too.”
He was asleep before I could either confirm it or deny it, his weight trapping me beneath him, exactly where I wanted to be.
I did love him.
I loved him more than I knew how to handle.
That was what scared me.
“I’M GOING TO be a daddy!” I said as soon as I walked into the locker room the next morning.
That wasn’t exactly how I’d intended to announce it to my teammates, and Mackenzie had asked me not to say anything to anyone yet, but I couldn’t keep it inside. I was almost literally bursting to share the news with anyone and everyone, so there was no chance I could keep it from my teammates.
At least only half of them were here so far, so it wasn’t like I’d told everyone. Just almost everyone.
Anne and her camera crew were here and filming, already, though, which I hadn’t bothered to notice before spilling the beans. Shit. But word would get out about Mackenzie’s pregnancy sooner or later, anyway, so I supposed it wasn’t the end of the world. I just hoped Mackenzie would see things the same way once I explained it to her.
“Congratulations, Daddy,” a few of the guys said, chuckling to themselves.
Ghost came up and slapped me on the back. “Not messing around, hmm? Getting shit taken care of.”
“You should try it,” I teased.
“Nah, not yet. Anne and I want to wait a bit longer.”
“Not me. I want to have kids while I’m young enough to enjoy them.”
“Good plan,” Hammer put in. “The older you get, the harder it is to move.”
“And kids move a lot,” Soupy added. “I swear, chasing kids around is harder than playing hockey. Do it while you’re young enough to get up and down on the floor, Ghost. Don’t mess around and miss your chance.”
A few of the other fathers in the room nodded in commiseration.
“I’ll take it under advisement,” he said, winking at me before waggling his brows at his wife, who rolled her eyes but didn’t make a peep. She and her crew always did their best to remain in the background, never stepping into the foreground. Every now and then she ended up on camera since she wasn’t just the producer, but she was also one of the WAGs. But she did her damnedest to avoid it.
Babs walked by without saying anything, heading for his stall with his head down. That wasn’t unusual for him, though. Not on a day like today.
We only had three more games left in the regular season, this one tonight, and another tomorrow in San Jose, followed by a final game in Anaheim a couple of days later.
The playoffs would be starting in just over a week, and if we won this one and at least came away with taking the next two to overtime, we would guarantee ourselves home ice not only in the first few rounds but throughout the playoffs, even if we made it to the Finals. Which, of course, was our intention, to be followed by the ultimate goal of winning the Cup. If we lost tonight, we might still end up with that result, but we’d have to win our final two games outright, and even then our fate would be in someone else’s hands.
We’d prefer to make our own destiny, thank you very much.
It was too soon to be thinking about the Cup, though. We needed to limit our focus. One series at a time. One opponent at a time. One game at a time.
Bergy came over and shook my hand. “Congratulations. Exciting news. But don’t let it get in the way of what we’re doing here. I need your focus on the ice.”
“You’ve got it.” Having a baby was huge for me on a personal front, but I knew better than to let my personal life intrude on my professional life and vice versa. At least not in any way I could avoid. Some intrusion was inevitable, but much was preventable.
“I know I do.” Bergy slapped me on the back and headed over to Colesy’s stall to say something to him, gradually working his way through the room and talking to a handful of us one-on-one.
That was one thing our coach had always been good at. He knew each of his players on a personal level. He followed along with our lives and helped us to find a way to focus even when that was the last thing we felt like doing.
I tossed my gym bag in my stall and started getting myself dressed.
Hammer came over and leaned against the wall near me. “So how’s Mackenzie handling the news? Is she excited? Scared?”
“Probably all of the above and then some,” I said honestly. “I think she’ll adjust to the idea all right, though.”
“Hope so. My ex never did.”
“No? But you’ve got three kids.”
“Three amazing kids. But Leah never wanted to be a mother. I wanted kids but she didn’t. She gave in, but she was miserable the whole time. That was what ultimately spelled the end for us. It drove us apart.”
“Is that why she eventually left you?”
“And why she doesn’t have jack shit to do with our kids, yeah.”
“Damn,” I said. And then I worried about Mackenzie. Because she hadn’t seemed overly excited about the idea of being pregnant. I was ecstatic, but she’d just seemed…anxious. Yeah, we’d talked about it briefly before, but maybe I’d pushed her into the idea of having a baby with me. We needed to sit down and hash this out. And I had to be sure I wasn’t pushing my own desires onto her, compelling her to be excited about something that she was actually dreading, just because I wanted it so much.
“Not saying that’s what’s going to happen with you and Mackenzie,” he said quickly. “Just saying you should make sure you’re both on the same page. You haven’t exactly known each other all that long.”
That was putting it mildly, since we’d been married less than two months. “Thanks, Hammer. I’ll be sure we have a good talk about it.”
He headed back to his stall, quietly going about his preparations for our morning skate.
Then I spent the next couple of hours worrying that I’d pushed Mackenzie into pretending to be happy about our baby just because I was so excited I could barely stand it.
Being married was hard work. Being married to someone who’d been a stranger only a couple of months ago? It was more difficult than anything I’d ever done before.
But much like chasing the Cup, it was well worth it. Because I loved Mackenzie more than I ever thought I’d love another person. And I knew she loved me, too. She just hadn’t accepted it yet.
She’d get there. I’d make sure of it.