Chapter 23
Ian
Adalyn was kissing me. No, Adalyn was consuming me. My adrenaline was still hot, coursing through my veins from the struggle with Martin, but my body’s reaction to Adalyn’s mouth on mine was feral. Primal. The need to have her close to me, to be inside of her, took over and I was no longer in control of my body.
I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around mine, our mouths never breaking contact. Her hands were all over me, exploring, searching. Our mouths continued their assault, and I held her tight as I led us down the hall to my office. As soon as we were inside the door, Adalyn pulled her mouth from mine and slid her body slowly down mine, then reached her hand behind her locking the door, never breaking eye contact.
She placed her hand on my chest, gently pushing me backwards toward the couch along the far wall of my office and I fell backwards as my knees made contact with the cushions. Adalyn climbed onto my lap, straddling my legs as she ran her index finger from my neck, moving slowly down my chest to the button on my pants.
“This is how this is going to happen,” she said as she tugged on the waist of my pants, slipping her fingers inside and lightly grazing my stomach. “I am in control, I call the shots. No questions, no resisting. Can you handle that?” My silence and confusion caused her to still. She pulled her hand away and looked me directly in the eyes and asked again, “Can. You. Handle. That.”
Under normal circumstances a beautiful woman taking charge in the bedroom, err, office, would be a turn on. But something in her eyes gave me pause. The desire was still there, but the Adalyn I had come to know was missing. Something vacant and distant had washed over her, and suddenly this seemed like a bad idea. I didn’t want this Adalyn. I didn’t want whatever facade she was giving me at that moment.
I slid my hands into hers and studied her face, trying to figure out where my Adalyn had gone. “Why are you doing this, Adalyn? Where did you go? This isn’t you.”
She forcefully pulled her hands from mine and jumped off of me, backing away and biting down on her lip to try and stop it from quivering, but it was too late. I knew I was right, something was different.
“Why are you doing this, Ian? Why can’t you just do what I’m asking? I’m sure relinquishing control to a woman is something you’re familiar with,” she spat at me, with a hateful edge in her tone. I knew what she was implying. She was talking about Maggie. And yes, while Maggie was very controlling in every other aspect of my life, she was never controlling in the bedroom. Not that I would have minded.
“Control isn’t the issue for me, Adalyn, and you know that. Mutual respect and honesty - that’s what’s important. And right now, you aren’t being honest with me.” I stood and approached her slowly, even as she continued to match my steps toward her with steps backward of her own. Once she met resistance with the wall she froze and her eyes widened just a fraction.
“What, Adalyn? Talk to me. I’ll give you what you want, whatever it is you need. You need control? You can have it, it’s yours. Just tell me why you need this, tell me why it’s so important. Let me in, Adalyn,” I said as I placed my palm over her heart, and brought my other hand up and gently brushed my thumb down her cheek and then over her bottom lip.
A sob escaped her before she could stop it, and the torture and sadness in her face stole my breath. She was in pain and I found myself getting angry. Not at her, but at whatever had caused such torment to this amazing woman that she couldn’t bring herself to let me in. I needed to know. I had to know. Whatever was hurting her, I wouldn’t be able to rest until I found a way to help her. Show her that I would never add to that pain.
“Just stop it, Ian! Stop!” She smacked my hand away and pushed off the wall, and I let her past, knowing she needed some distance in that moment. “I can’t give you what you’re asking. I can’t be what you need. Why can’t what I’m offering you be good enough?”
“Adalyn,” her name left my mouth more like a plea, a begging question. “Please…”
I moved one step toward her, reaching my hand out, but she dropped her head. “I can’t, Ian,” she whispered, then she turned and walked out.
It took everything in me not to go after her. Not to lock her in here with me until I found a way to get through to her, but no one could make Adalyn do anything. She had proven that time and again. And when I finally got through to her, and I would get through to her, I wanted her to tell me because it’s what she wanted. Not because I had pressured her or coerced her into it.
I didn’t know when it had happened, at what point it became more than an attraction, but I was in love with Adalyn. Whatever secrets she was harboring, whatever pain she was suffering - she didn’t deserve to be struggling with it all alone. I didn’t know how yet, but I would find a way to show her that she could trust me. I wouldn’t be able to rest until I did.
I hadn’t seen Adalyn for six days. She hadn’t come in to work during the day, but I knew she had been in because I was still getting daily updates via email regarding the progress on her project. I found myself staying later and later, hoping to run into her, but I couldn’t bring myself to go looking for her. She needed space, and as much as it killed me to give it to her, I knew pressuring her to see me before she was ready would only hurt her even more.
I hadn’t been sleeping. At least, not well, anyway. That night was haunting me. Part of me worried that I had made it worse by stopping her. I had the worst case of blue balls that I’d ever had in my entire life because I’d stopped her, but I did nothing to relieve the ache. I welcomed the pain, the discomfort, the distraction. Anything to pull attention away from the ache that was growing in my chest.
I missed her. Her company, her conversation - even her sarcasm. I worried constantly that I had ruined whatever was happening between us. That I had undone all the progress we had made and pushed her away. I feared she had taken my stopping her as rejection, as me not wanting her.
I did want her. More than I’d ever wanted anyone in my entire life. My body craved her, my need for her consumed me. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t focus. I hadn’t gotten any work done all week. My body was so weak from exhaustion and not eating that I couldn’t even work out. I was a pathetic mess, but I couldn’t find a way to pull myself out of it.
When Friday rolled around, one week since that night, I decided I couldn’t take it any more. I needed to see her, needed to know how she was doing. I stood up from my desk and walked towards her office. It was half past midnight and I had no idea if she was still here, but as soon as I walked into the break room I saw her. She was curled up on one of the couches, reading a book.
She looked beautiful. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun on the top of her head, there were bags under her eyes, she didn’t have a stitch of makeup on and she was wearing baggy sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt. And she was gorgeous. My heart started pounding in my chest at the sight of her, and I took a few deep breaths to slow it down before I approached her.
“Adalyn,” I whispered, stopping in front of her. She didn’t move for several seconds, and I wondered if she had even heard me, But then she slowly lifted her head to look at me and offered me a weak smile. That pain I had seen that night in my office was still there. It had never left. The time away from her hadn’t helped her, she’d just been suffering alone.
“Adalyn, please…I just need to…” she reached her hand up, interrupting me, and pulled me down on to the couch next to her.
“Just sit with me, Ian. Please,” she begged, her eyes already starting to mist over. “I don’t want to talk, I just don’t want to be alone. Will you just sit with me a while?”
I didn’t respond. I just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me, and she leaned against my side, resting her head on my shoulder.
I don’t know how long we sat like that. I felt a few tears that had rolled down her cheeks land on my arm, and I rubbed my hand up and down her arm and pulled her tighter. I held her while she quietly sobbed, and eventually her crying slowed along with her breathing, and she drifted off to sleep.
I felt my own exhaustion taking over, my eyes becoming heavy. Sitting there with Adalyn in my arms was the most relaxed I had been all week, and after a while I drifted off with her.
I startled awake, my eyes snapping open. I didn’t know how late it was or how long I’d been asleep, but my arms were empty. Adalyn was gone, and I’d never felt more alone in my life.