Chapter 17
Logan
Logan stood in the doorway of his small bedroom and wondered again why he hadn’t planned other sleeping arrangements for the man standing behind him. The cabin he shared with his brother was “cozy”. In other words, it was damn small. His own ten-by-ten room had never seemed to be a problem before. He comfortably slept angled on the full-size bed when alone. And on the rare occasion someone joined him, it worked just fine for a short romp with a willing wolf female. But wolf females were not Jude, either in stature or intent.
No one had ever shared Logan’s room or his bed for the night. Knowing the tiger and how he’d been acting all possessive and shit since they entered Logan’s pack lands, he knew there was no way Jude was going to willingly sleep anywhere else. Logan would suggest the floor, but even that wouldn’t work. The room was barely big enough for his bed, nightstand, and small dresser. There wasn’t even a closet Logan could banish him to. Jude sighed and shouldered past while Logan stood silently examining the situation for another solution.
“Quit thinking so loud and come to bed. I promise not to molest you in your sleep,” Jude said. Jude kicked off his shoes and pulled his shirt over his head. When Jude’s hands reached the button of his jeans, though, his shoulders dropped slightly. Logan watched as the tiger’s nose crinkled in distaste, but he slowly maneuvered himself into bed, jeans still fastened. As Jude’s large frame curled up on the far side of the bed facing the wall, Logan wondered at how Jude had managed to take up so little space. He briefly wondered if it was like the videos he’d seen on the internet of cats that liked to cram themselves into tiny boxes. Logan thought he deserved an award for brilliance when he kept this thought to himself.
The empty spot on his side of the bed was calling Logan’s name and he couldn’t resist a second longer. Logan shucked down to jeans, as well, and climbed into bed. He curled on his side as was his usual and clicked off the lamp, bathing the room in cool darkness. Logan steeled himself for several moments waiting for Jude to make a move once the lights were out. After what seemed like mere seconds, the tiger’s breathing slowed and a soft snore started to rumble from the other side of the bed. Logan felt oddly disconcerted but secretly thankful as the other shifter kept his promise.
Unfortunately, Logan found he still couldn’t shut his brain off enough to sleep, even with the threat of groping removed. His wolf wasn’t helping matters any either as it seemed desperate to take over and reconnect with what it apparently already accepted as its other half. Logan finally placated his inner animal with promises of a run with the tiger in the morning. Logan forced his eyes shut again and started counting backwards from one hundred. Anything past ninety-three was lost to the night.
The smell of bacon frying finally pulled Logan’s brain from its deep slumber. The warm flesh his cheek rested on was more an expected turn of events than a surprise at this point. Logan kept his eyes closed and pretended to sleep for several more minutes, trying to discern if Jude was awake or not. If he was still asleep, Logan could go on pretending his lapse in control had never happened. His hopes were dashed when a warm hand soothed up his spine in a casual caress.
“Logan, baby. I know you’re awake so you can quit pretending now. Sounds like your brother’s making breakfast. Let’s go eat,” Jude said softly. Logan’s spine stiffened at the unwelcome endearment and he shot up from the bed ready to fight.
“Hey, hey. Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” Jude said, holding both palms out in a placating manner. “I’m still half asleep myself and it just fell out. Come on, Logan. It’s too early to start arguing this morning. Let’s go eat before your brother comes looking for us again.”
“What do you mean? Ben’s already been in here this morning? He fucking saw us like that?” Logan’s anxious tone ended up almost a squeak. Jude subtly widened the distance between them. The tiger looked worried Logan was about to start swinging. Logan sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in both hands dejectedly. He wondered again how it had come to this. With his back still turned to Jude, he forced himself to calm down. It was several minutes more before he felt stable enough to move.
“Fuck, I hate this,” Logan said, pushing up from the bed. He dragged his shirt over his head and stormed from the room. Not before he heard Jude’s faint, “Me, too.” though. His wolf whined in distress at the pain Logan kept causing them both, but he just couldn't’ seem to make himself stop.
After an uncomfortably silent breakfast, Logan ignored his alpha’s instructions regarding showing Jude the grounds. Logan left the house, intent on running alone. He made the tree line surrounding their cabin and was shedding his shirt and shoes when he sensed his brother’s hesitant approach. Logan turned, ready to argue, but Ben just held up his hand and started to strip, as well. The brother’s shifted and let their wolves sniff and reconnect briefly before Logan took off at a fast trot. His brother settled into his normal position just off Logan’s right hip. The sun was halfway up the horizon before they finally shifted back to human forms on the sandy bank of Silver Moon Lake.
Logan threw himself down on his back; hands folded behind his head and felt his skin warm from the sun’s kiss. He felt Ben join him, mimicking his position, and waited for his brother to start talking. Logan knew he was being an ass and he knew exactly why Ben had come with him this morning. He steeled himself for the lecture he could feel coming.
Instead, the brothers lay there for what felt like hours, soaking in the sun and watching the flaming ball of gas as it slowly marched up the horizon. Apparently, Ben was intent on waiting his brother out, no matter how long it took for Logan to finally come to grips with his new reality.
“I didn’t want this, you know,” Logan said, finally giving up on hiding the thoughts swirling like devils through his mind. “I never planned on mating, actually, if you want to know the truth. I did plan on passing on our name through one of the females in the pack, but I was never going to bond with anyone.”
“I never expected that. Why do you want to be alone so much, Logan?” Ben asked.
“I don’t think I ever planned it out that way, really. It just sort of became an unspoken goal somehow. I didn’t want to risk losing anyone like that again, I guess. Besides you, I never wanted that kind of connection to another person again. Honestly, I think if it hadn’t been for you, I would have gone rogue so I didn’t have to risk feeling like that ever again,” Logan admitted.
Ben sat up, one knee bent and turned to look at Logan’s face. Both of them ignored their blatant nudity. The nakedness Logan had just exposed was so much more stark than any exposure of skin could hope to be.
“Shit, Logan. I know you had it hard after Mom and Dad died, but you can’t just give up on life like that. They would hate to know that their deaths had caused you to hide like this. How did I not know you were still hurting so much?” Ben asked, shaking his head as if trying to pretend it wasn’t true.
“I must be a truly terrible brother to have missed this,” Ben murmured, barely loud enough for Logan to hear.
“Ben. Look at me, Ben,” Logan repeated, sitting up alongside his brother and forcing Ben to meet his eyes. When he finally had Ben’s golden eyes trained on his, Logan attempted a smile he knew was a failure.
“It’s not your job to fix me, Ben. I’m the older brother. I’m supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around,” Logan explained. Ben flushed angrily in response.
“Fuck that, Logan! You may be older, but I’m still your brother. You’re supposed to depend on me, too. You can’t keep shutting everyone out, Logan. I mean, so what happens if you finally push Jude away enough that he leaves for real? What are you going to do then? Just shuffle along following the rest of us as we live our lives? Pretending to be happy and slowly dying on the inside as you live this messed up half-life because you turned down your one chance at true happiness? How does that help anything? How is that less painful than taking the risk? Sure, maybe one day something happens and you’ll lose again, but I still think it would be better than not having the chance at all. Don’t you think I worry every day that I’m going to lose Adam somehow? That fucking terrifies me, Logan, but I’ll still be better off than if I’d never found him in the first place.”
Logan had no response, even though he felt the truth of his brother’s words all the way to the center of his soul. They sat side-by-side in silence, until the sound of something rustling in the brush behind them signaled they were no longer alone.
“Adam?” Logan asked. He was almost positive the scent was his brother’s mate, but in his present state of mind, Logan wasn’t certain of anything.
“Yeah. Guess we should head back. It must be close to dinnertime and I need a shower before we go,” Ben said shortly. Not waiting for a response, Logan’s brother shifted back. Logan watched as Ben’s blond wolf located its mate. It wasn’t hard as Adam’s wolf was doing a terrible job of hiding in the thick brush. Adam’s wolf was still so human sometimes, Logan thought to himself. Ben’s wolf clamped its jaws gently over the back of its mate’s neck, reaffirming their connection. The reddish brindle wolf’s tail flagged in a welcoming response.
When Ben’s wolf started to head back home, its mate turned in Logan’s direction as if asking why he wasn’t already moving. Logan sighed dejectedly and let the shift take him. His ebony wolf refused to take its normal position in the lead and the others finally headed off, accepting Logan’s need for solitude right then.
Ben and Adam shifted once they reached the edge of the clearing and silently shuffled back into their clothing. The sad howl that sounded from deep in the woods was unmistakably Logan’s and Ben pulled his mate close hiding any evidence of the tears trying to fall.
“I got you, babe. It’s okay. I got you,” Adam comforted as he let his mate fall apart.