We return to the car in what can best be described as shell-shocked silence, and in London’s case, the silence is stony. I get it; this is a lot to take in. A whole fucking lot. More than I ever imagined, in fact. I’ve gone from never even having spent a full night with anyone, to in love and in limbo with London, to about to be the father of two babies. Shit just got realer than real.

When we get home, I text Jake.

Me: Fucking twins!!!!

Jake: Are you actually stupid or something? Why the fuck would you cheat on London after everything that’s gone down with you two? I’m done. I give up. No cure for stupid.

Me: No. Us.

Jake: You and Luke? This is not news. Are you high?

Me: Never been straighter in my life. I’m not talking about me and Douchey.

Jake: Your balls, then? Are they identical? Mine aren’t. The right one hangs just a little lower than the left. Apparently it’s quite a common occurrence. You can’t really see it unless you’re looking hard, which nobody ever is, but I know it’s there—one slightly saggy ball.

Christ. I should have just called the stupid bastard. Now I’ve got an image in my mind I’m never going to be able to erase.

Me: And now I know. Jesus Christ, pass me the fucking brain bleach. Are YOU high? Why are you telling me about your cockeyed fucking ballsack? Actually, don’t answer that. London and I are having TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jake: Holy. Mother. Of. Fucking. Crap. You’re shitting me, right?

Me: IKR? I kid you not. Wish I was. Super sperm. Now we have two for the price of one.

Jake: Jesus! How do you feel?

Me: Like someone sucker-punched me with a ten-ton truck. Also: proud.

Jake: This is possibly the best example of karma in action I’ve ever seen! Your life is literally never going to be the same again, and not necessarily in a good way—suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!

Me: You think? FFS, I wasn’t ready to be a father once over, let alone an insta-family of four. What the fuck am I gonna do?

Jake: Get on your knees and pray, then get a fucking vasectomy. Stat.

Me: Great advice. Thanks, douche bucket.

Jake: Nah, seriously, man, I’m here for you if you need anything, even just somewhere to hide when shit gets too real.

Me: Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Can you tell the others? I can’t face even speaking to anyone right now.

Jake: Sure. Have you told Luke?

Me: Nah, we’re still not straight. Haven’t really spoken since the secret gig. Will you do the honors?

Jake: K. Sure. Congrats, btw.

Me: Thanks, man. I think.

London’s way of dealing with this fresh shock is to pretend it’s not happening. She pushes me further away than ever, retreating into herself to the point where I’m worried about her. Before the news, we kind of coexisted at Rosemond House in a separate but interconnected way, often sharing meals in the main kitchen or watching TV in one of the living rooms. After the appointment, she keeps completely to herself, using only the rooms on her floor. I hardly see her, and when I do, she’s distant with a haunted look in her eyes. Like a rabbit in the headlights of an oncoming tank.

I try to give her as much space as possible while also being there for her, but I’m worried about her and the babies. Our babies. Hers and mine. Doing my best not to overstep and to honor my promise to let her have her own space, I try subtly to ensure she’s sleeping, taking her prenatal vitamins, and eating right. I don’t care if she never wants to acknowledge me again, but I’m not prepared to compromise on the health of our babies. Deep down I know she isn’t either, and from what I can tell from our weekly visits with our new OB, I know everything’s going well with the squirts, so I have nothing to worry about where they’re concerned. I wish the same could be said for their mama.

I decide to take action.

“Hello? Has something happened to London? Where is she?”

“Settle down, Marko. She’s at home, safe and sound.” He worries almost as much as I do.

“So to what do I owe the ‘pleasure’ of this call?”

“I need a favor.” It kills me to ask this bastard for anything, but he’s her best friend and she trusts him, which is more than can be said for me most of the time. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Silence on the other end of the phone. He’s going to make me work for it.

“I’m sure you know about our double trouble by now?” I query.

“Yeah, of course. London called us right after you guys found out.” Of course she did. “Either Nic or I have spoken to her every day since.”

“Thanks, man.” Kill. Me. Now.

“Don’t thank me. This isn’t about you, it’s about her and those babies.”

“Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry, I feel the same about you, but we have her in common, so I guess we’re stuck with each other.” I’m pacing the floor so much, I’m in real danger of wearing a hole clean through the polished concrete.

“Whatever. What do you want?”

Fuck this douche.

“She won’t have anything to do with me right now. Barely acknowledges me, in fact. I don’t mind that she’s freezing me out, although I don’t love it either, but the fact is, I’m worried about her. I’m not so sure she’s holding up as well as she could be, but as she won’t talk to me, it’s hard to be certain either way.”

“Man, I think she’s okay, but she’s in shock, you know? Quite honestly, if I was in her position, I’d be the same. I mean, of all the people to get knocked up by, she ‘chooses’ you, and then to add insult to injury, she’s expecting two babies, not just one. This is a fuckup of epic proportions.”

The saddest part is that he’s not wrong. I still want to end him though.

“Thanks.”

“Well what do you want me to do, blow smoke up your ass and tell you it’s all sunshine and lollipops? Because you get that it’s not, right?”

Five… four… three… two… one.

“I’m not an idiot. Of course I get it. Why do you think I’m calling? Trust me, if I didn’t love that girl the way I do, I wouldn’t want any-fucking-thing from you. Ever. Seriously, I’d rather do a deal with the devil.” Sometimes with Marko that’s exactly what it feels like.

“But she loves you, and even though you’re as much of a sack of shit as I am, she trusts you and listens to you. She has fucked-up taste in men.”

“That’s one thing we agree on. What do you need?”

“I’ve been doing some reading about prenatal depression. I don’t know her as well as you and Nic do, so I figured if the two of you came and hung out with her for a couple hours, you might get a better sense than me of whether she’s okay or not. What do you say?”

“I say it’s ironic that she’s carrying your babies, but of the two of us, I know her better. That aside, sure, I’ll come over. For her and the babies. Not you.”

“Okay, I get it.”

“I can drop by for a few hours this afternoon after rehearsal. I’ll call Nic and see if she can make it too.” Whatever else I think or feel about the guy, I can’t fault his friendship and loyalty to London. Like me, he’d do anything for her.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

I hang up and drive straight to the club. Apart from the fact that I have plenty of work to do, my office has become my retreat at times like this. I arrange a couple of meetings for later in the day, partly because I have shit to do, and partly to keep my mind off London and Marko. While I know their friendship is purely platonic and has been for years, I still can’t keep the pang of jealousy at bay at the mere mention of his name. I resent their easy and relaxed interactions. No tension, no recriminations, no second-guessing, just pure friendship and love.

I return home later than usual, figuring that would have given them enough time to catch up but also enough time to ensure that I don’t run into Marko and Nic, which thankfully I don’t. I’m surprised, however, when I walk into the kitchen and find London sitting at the table… waiting for me?

“Oh hey, beautiful, is everything okay? Can I get you anything?”

“No, Arlo, it’s fine. We both live here. You don’t have to treat me like a houseguest or wait on me hand and foot. Honestly, I can manage to make a coffee or grab a glass of water, even while pregnant with twins.”

Of course I know she can, but that doesn’t mean she has to. I’m more than happy to get her whatever she needs whenever she needs it.

“I know. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I was a little harsh, but I just want you to know you can relax. You don’t have to tread on eggshells around me or handle me with kid gloves. I’m not as fragile as you think. In fact, I’m not fragile at all.”

She looks at me almost indulgently.

“Speaking of being overbearing, a certain someone tells me you had him and Nic stage an intervention for me today, is that right?”

Fucking Marko.

“Well, not in those words exactly, but it’s true I was a little worried about you, and knowing how close the three of you are—you and him particularly—I thought they were a good choice to check in and see that everything is okay. After all, it’s not like you’re about to open up to me about what’s going on with you.” I regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth.

I sound like a jealous asshole, which is exactly what I am, but I’m trying not to let her see that side of me. I have enough marks against my name in her eyes as it is without adding irrational jealousy to the list.

“He told me you think I have prenatal depression or something.”

I’m going to neutralize that motherfucker the next time I see him. He’s as good as fucking dead.

I sigh, cracking my neck as I approach London’s side of the table, crouching down to her eye level. She turns to me, surprised. I reach out and take her hands in mine—I’m always reminded of how petite she really is when my huge paws surround her delicate digits—and wait until her gaze meets mine. She’s reluctant at first but eventually looks me in the eye. Shit. Everything she’s feeling is right there—fear, confusion, hurt, anger, and… love. The look leaves me winded. I take a few moments to collect myself before speaking.

“You know the way I’ve lived my life. It’s been all about me for so long. Then you came along and completely tipped my world off its axis, and suddenly it’s not just about me. It’s about you, and us. I know I’ve screwed up along the way, but I’ve been doing the best I can. Adjusting to that has been a struggle, I’m not gonna lie. I’m like a fish out of fucking water.” I close my eyes briefly, flipping through my mental file of my monumental fuckups with London. I open my eyes again to see her regarding me with interest.

“Then add a baby to the mix, and I don’t know what to do or think. Wanna hear something funny? I’ve never even owned a pet before, and now I’m going to be a father twice over. Two babies? I’m struggling to even get a picture in my head of what that might be like. I’m out of my mind right now, Tog.” When I do get a picture, it’s of the chaos that I and Luke wreaked on the world as kids. Shit.

“Look, I’m completely out of my depth here, you know that. I have no idea what I’m fucking doing, but I was, I am, concerned about you. I get that you’ve had a shock. You and me both.” I pause again, wondering if I’m spilling too much of my guts, if she’s going to turn tail and run in the opposite direction. Too late to worry about that now, I guess.

“I told you music saved me when I was a kid, but what you don’t know is that you and these babies have saved me again. From myself. Despite the fear, for the first time in a long time I’m really fucking excited about the future. I know I can do this. I’m not saying I can be the perfect father or partner. Far from it—this is me we’re talking about here. But I know I can and want to give you and these babies the very best of what I have to offer. Yeah, I’m in shock, but the truth is I’m also fucking elated.” I glance back at London to see if she’s still with me. She is. She searches my face, clearly trying to understand where I’m coming from.

“Then I look at you, and you’re withdrawn and quiet and just so fucking sad all the time. I guess I just thought that maybe this situation had taken too much of a toll on you, you know? Maybe you need some extra help to deal with it? I’m sorry if I overstepped, but I told you I’d do any and everything I can to protect you and our babies.”

“No need to be sorry, Arlo. I totally get where you’re coming from. I know you called Marko because you care, and I love… that you did that for me. I know he’s not your favorite person.”

That’s the understatement of the century.

“Listen, I’m sorry if I’ve worried you unduly. I’ve just been totally in my head since we found out. I feel like I’m living in some kind of dream world where I’m here but not here, if that makes sense? Probably not, but the best way I can describe it is like an out-of-body experience. My physical form is here, doing all the things I should be doing—eating, sleeping, exercising, going to the OB appointments—but it’s like my brain is somewhere else, doing its own thing.

“I’m trying to put this whole puzzle together in a way that makes some kind of sense, but I can’t seem to do it. Me, you, us, the babies, I’m at a loss over all of it right now. But I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think I am. It’s just a lot. A lot to deal with, a lot to think about, a lot to take on. So much. I don’t even know where to start, you know?”

I nod. I do know. I can see she’s fighting back tears. I stand up and pull her to her feet with me, wrapping her in my arms.

“I know where you’re coming from, but I don’t want you to have to call Marko or Nic when you need something. And I don’t want to have to call them because you won’t open up to me. I’m right here for you and our babies, Tog. Even if it’s just as friends. I’ll do whatever you need. Even when you push me away.” Especially then.

As we embrace, I feel something push against my stomach. As I register the feeling, London jumps away from me, a look of surprised delight on her face.

“Shit, what was that?”

“That was one of our babies kicking, Arlo.”

Holy fuck. What?

“Don’t look so terrified, it’s perfectly normal. In fact, I’ve been feeling flutters and jostles for a while, but this is the first time I’ve felt anything so strong that it can be felt on the outside too. Isn’t it amazing? Here, give me your hand.” Without waiting for me to move—which is a good thing, as I don’t seem to be able to coordinate my thoughts to do anything—she pulls my hand to her big, beautiful bump. I wait with my hand pressed to her stomach. I’m rewarded just a few seconds later with another forceful jolt.

“Fuck me. That is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, Tog. No, scrap that, you and the squirts are the most amazing thing. This is just the icing on the cake.”