Chapter Twenty-Nine
Colton
Fiona peeks her head around the arm of the sofa looking for me, but little does she know I am right behind her ready to tickle her. She starts to move around to the back of the couch and I strike, tickling her sides. Fiona squeals in delight. “You sneaky Colton,” she says between giggles. Playing with Fiona this afternoon has helped distract me after Brooke stopped by Hank’s to let me know that Lucy was going to leave town for a couple of days to wrap her head around what me being back means for us and the life that she has built here in Seattle. I can understand her need for clarity, I could use some myself.
I think we both need some time to wrap our minds around all of this. As much as I want to see what happens with me and Lucy, I still can’t get Kara out of my head. Even though I wasn’t the real me, we still built a relationship and a life together. Just because I got my memories back doesn’t make the feelings I had for Kara go away, but they are intermixing with the love I had for Lucy, and it is confusing me even more. I’ve always been the kind of man that has always known what he wanted. I knew I wanted to join the Marines. The moment I saw Lucy in that bar, I knew I wanted her. As Christian, I was the same way, I knew I wanted to help people, so I became a firefighter, and I knew I wanted Kara in my life in any capacity I could get. For the first time in my life I don’t know what I want.
Fiona wiggles out of my arms. “Tea time, Colton,” she announces. She has kept me on my toes all day. We’ve played with her baby dolls. She was the doctor fixing their boo boos while I was her nurse. We put together puzzles and read books. Fiona lives a very full life for a three-year-old. I don’t know how Nora keeps up with her. Being a firefighter has nothing on keeping up with Fiona. This also makes me wonder if Bailey was like this at this age. Playing like this with Fiona makes me a little sad that I missed out on doing the same with Bailey. Bailey is almost eleven now, and I know nothing about her. Like what were her favorite games to play, or favorite bed time stories. Is she a book worm like her momma or does she like to play sports like me? These are all things that a parent should know about their child, and that opportunity was stolen from me.
As I follow Fiona through the living room over to the kitchen, my phone rings in my pocket. On the screen is Kara’s number. I hesitate at first, but something inside me tells me to take the call. I tell Fiona I’ll be right back, then press answer on the screen and walk upstairs to the guest room. “Hi Kara.”
“Hi Colton, I know I shouldn’t be calling, but I just needed to know how you are doing.” Typical Kara fashion, always checking up on me. The afternoon after we first met, she called me almost every hour to make sure I wasn’t going to hurt myself. It felt nice to have someone looking out for me.
“It’s all right. It’s nice to hear your voice.” I step into the guest room and close the door behind me, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. I’ve missed hearing her voice the past few days.
“How did it go with Lucy?” she asks.
“About as well as could be expected for someone finding out her husband is not actually dead. She needs time to process. We all do.”
“I can’t imagine what she must be going through. It’s one thing to find out the man you are dating is someone else, it’s another to find out your husband is alive. How did you leave things?” Curiosity takes over in her voice.
“She sent me away, so I couldn’t see her breaking down. She has left town to think things through. I’m going to stay in Seattle for a few days until she gets back and we can really talk. I hope during this time I can find my own clarity about all of this. I’m just so confused about everything,” I admit.
“You have been through so much in such a short time, it’s no surprise you are feeling confused. It’s no surprise that Lucy is having a hard time with your return. I know she will come around and you will sort things out. Take this time and listen to your heart and what it is telling you. You always live in your head. You think too much, Christian…I mean Colton. I’m sorry. It’s going to take some getting used to calling you Colton.” She lets out a nervous laugh. “This is all so confusing.”
“Tell me about it.” I let my own nervous laugh out.
“I know things have changed between us, but I will always be your friend. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.” It feels comforting to hear her say that. Other than Lucy, Kara is one of the few people I have felt comfortable opening up to. She has this incredible way of making me feel comfortable and safe. It’s always been exactly what I needed. Here we are, years later, and she is doing the same thing.
“Thank you, Kara. I might just take you up on that.”
“You should. Call me day or night, I’ll be here.”
“How is it you always manage to make me feel better? I just blew up your world, shouldn’t you be hating me, not comforting me?”
“The thought of hating you never crossed my mind. You had no control over what happened to you, I could never hate you for that. Right now, you need friends, and I am your friend, so I’m here for you.” She lets out a tiny sigh. “And I might be doing it for selfish reasons if I’m being completely honest. If we can’t go back to the way were before all this, at least I can still be here for you on a friend level, and I can still see you.” Relief washes over me. Her friendship is what saved me in the beginning, and now I need it more than ever.
“Your friendship means the world to me, Kara and with everything falling apart all around me, I am grateful to still have it.”
I can hear her sniffle through the phone. It kills me to know she is crying and I can’t be there to comfort her. “I better go before I go into full ugly cry mode. Remember, if you need to talk I’m here, okay?”
“I know and thank you.” My feelings for Kara are still very real and still strong as ever but I feel the pain of guilt that I’ve been cheating on Lucy. I know I didn’t have control of my mind, but it still feels wrong. Kara is right, this is all so damn confusing.