Becky
It was nearly midnight, and I had classes in the morning. I should have been sleeping. Instead, I was pacing the length of the living room, glancing out the window every so often. Brock had called ten minutes ago to let me know that he was on his way home with Braden.
Brock was the one who Mick called when Braden caused trouble at the bar, and those calls had been happening more and more lately, especially with Elle in Barrie for school. She hadn’t tried to talk to him after the night of the funeral, when he snapped at her at the reception, and I know it hurt him. I think he thought she’d keep coming around, keep fighting for him.
When Mom died, I’d been so worried about losing my brothers too. I thought Brock would surely go back to Alberta, if even just to escape for a while. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he did, but he hadn’t. He remained here, unwilling to leave with Braden the way he was, and I couldn’t even be happy about it because our little brother was sinking quickly to rock bottom, if he wasn’t there already.
I didn’t know what was worse—the many nights I spent like this, waiting to open the door and get my alcoholic brother to his room without waking up Aiden, or the nights when he didn’t come home at all.
The weight of this new reality was crushing me. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed out. It was hard seeing Braden like this, and it was hard not seeing him but knowing that he was still drowning his sorrows in a bottle every night.
Mom died three months ago now, but some days it felt as raw and painful as the day we’d lost her. Sometimes, I’d forget. I would come through the front door and go to call out to her, only to remember that she was gone.
Two sets of headlights shone brightly through the living room window as two trucks pulled up. I rushed to open the door, pulling the sweater I’d been wearing tighter around my body as I stepped out onto the porch.
Brock shut the door of his truck just as the door to Braden’s Ranger opened. Travis stepped out, his eyes locking with mine for a moment as he stood between the open door and the truck, his muscular arm draped across the top of the door.
It was the first time I’d seen him since our night together in the hotel room, and the onslaught of memories made it hard to breathe.
“I’ll take him inside, then give you a lift to your truck,” Brock said over his shoulder, addressing Travis. Braden was standing, but barely, secured by Brock’s iron grip.
I went to close the door, but Travis called out quietly. “Hey!”
Pausing, I looked over my shoulder. My brothers’ were just clearing the basement door, entering the stairwell that lead down to Braden’s room. When I looked back, Travis was walking toward me.
His eyes didn’t leave mine, a thousand unspoken words passing between us as he paused at the bottom of the stairs.
“You look really good, Becs,” he said, a bemused smile on his face. The unspoken innuendo lingered heavily between us.
“So do you.” I couldn’t stop looking at him. My body remembered exactly what it was like to be with him, and those memories made me surge with desire for him again. An awareness grew between us, the energy changing.
It didn’t help that he looked irresistible, and it had been a difficult, isolating few months.
I could use an escape, and I knew the one that Travis provided would be more than sufficient.
“I’m in town,” he told me. “For two weeks.”
“And?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest and watching as his hazel eyes tracked the movement. I tried to feign indifference, but my heart leapt at his suggestion. He wanted me, and it was exhilarating.
I was dressed in ratty pajama bottoms and a loose fitting sweatshirt, my dark hair piled up on top of my head in a messy bun, but Travis looked at me like I was standing naked before him, his for the taking.
That particular thought made me involuntarily clench my thighs together. His lips twitched up in a devilish smile, like he could sense my arousal from six feet away.
“And I hope I’ll see you around,” he clarified, running a hand through his dark blond curls.
I studied him, my eyes roaming from his Lucchese boots to his tapered waist. I drew in a shaky breath before continuing upward, pausing on his lips. I wanted so badly to feel them pressed against mine, if only for a little while.
“Maybe,” I said, bringing my shoulder up in a delicate shrug. He moved toward me, but paused when he saw Brock approaching from over my shoulder.
“Braden’s out cold,” he announced, pausing beside me. “Thanks for helping out, man.”
“No problem,” Travis smiled, his eyes flicking back to mine when Brock turned to address me.
“I’ll see you in the morning. Mind if I take Aiden back to my place? I need to get some things done around the cabin.” I had classes and Brock had taken over helping me with daycare now that Tessa was in Barrie.
“Sure,” I murmured, conscious of Travis’s eyes still on me.
When they were gone, I locked up the front door and started turning lights out. Pausing by Aiden’s bedroom door, I slowly opened it. Moonlight filtered in through his window, illuminating his skin in its pale glow. His lashes were dark against his cheeks, and his tiny chest rose and fell with each breath he took.
I counted every one of those breaths as personal blessings.
My socked feet were quiet against the floor as I crept over to kiss his cheek and adjust his blankets. I left the room wordlessly, crossing the hallway to mine.
I’d left my phone on the night stand, and I grabbed it before crawling under my blankets. I pulled Travis’s contact information up, my finger hoovering near the little message icon. The last time I’d texted him had been to plan our last tryst.
Sighing, I put my phone back and rolled over.
After class the next day, I texted Brock to see how Aiden was doing. When he replied telling me that they were going out on the ATV, I stopped in to visit Katie Armstrong.
I tried to go over as often as I could, to hold the baby while she showered or just talk to her. I remember how isolating it had been having a newborn and no social life, and I didn’t want Katie to feel that way, and I wanted to make amends for bailing out on her in the friend department when my mom was sick.
Plus, baby therapy was even better than psychological therapy for me. Before Alyssa, it had been three years since I’d held a newborn baby in my arms, and I loved all the little coos and gassy smiles.
I’d stopped off at the deli for sandwiches and coffee, and Katie nearly wept when she opened the door and spotted the paper bags with the deli logo. “I’m starving! How did you know?” she asked, standing aside to let me in. She had Alyssa cradled in her right arm as she nursed.
“Because I remember what breastfeeding was like,” I laughed, walking into the living room and dropping my purse down on the plaid arm chair. I handed the turkey sandwich to Katie, who masterfully unwrapped it and started eating it with one hand. “Where’s Ben?”
“At the farm,” Katie answered in between bites. Her husband, Ben, helped run his family’s farm, alongside his father, Bill. “Sometimes I think we should just move there.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you married a farmer’s eldest son,” I pointed out.
“I know,” she sighed. “Oh crap, she fell asleep again,” she added, looking down at her daughter.
“Let me take her while you finish eating,” I offered, holding my arms out. Katie gently passed her to me. She handed me the burp cloth and I threw it over my shoulder, bringing Alyssa up to gently pat her back. After she burped, I cradled her in my arms the way she liked and sat down on the sofa beside Katie. I got comfortable, knowing I’d be there for a while.
“You’re a life saver,” Katie moaned gratefully, pausing to take another bite. She chewed it and swallowed, and dabbed at the corner of her lips with a napkin. “I honestly don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you around. You’re a baby guru, and you bring food. I think I might love you more than Ben.”
I laughed lightly, careful not to jostle the sleeping three-month-old in my arms. While Katie finished her sandwich, I gazed down at Alyssa, my mind still fixated on seeing Travis again last night.
The temptation to text him and meet up with him again was so strong, the only thing preventing me from actually going through with it was the baby in my arms and my exhausted friend sitting on the other side of the couch.
But all day long, I’d been consumed with the thought that maybe…Travis was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever be in the place for one. But I didn’t want to be afraid of the act of intimacy any more.
Travis had offered to help rectify that issue, and I knew that if anybody could do it…it was him.
“I don’t know whether to grab a shower, because I definitely need one, or break out the wine and have a serious girl chat—because I definitely need one of those too,” Katie sighed, leaning back.
“Go shower, then we’ll have girl time—minus the wine.”
“Seriously, I really do love you more than Ben,” Katie told me, skipping off to have her shower.
Alyssa snored peacefully in my arms, and the house was quiet except for the distant sound of running water and the ticking of a clock. With each second that passed, I grew more and more restless, more and more aware of the fact that my phone sat less than an arm’s length away.
Just as I finally worked up the nerve to reach for it, the water shut off and I knew that Katie was finished with her shower. She didn’t take long to dress, and within five minutes she was back in the living room, dressed in a new pair of sweat pants, her hair wrapped up in a bath towel.
“You have no idea how badly I needed that shower. God I hate the smell of sour milk,” she shivered.
“How are you?” I asked, smiling warmly at my friend.
“Good, exhausted…but good. We’ve finally gotten the hang of nursing, and she’s sleeping five hour stretches through the night now,” Katie answered. As if she understood that she was the topic of discussion, Alyssa stirred and started to whimper. “What about you? Did you give my suggestion any thought?”
“I’m not joining Tinder,” I responded, my brow pinching together.
“You’ve just got to get back on the saddle. This time, we’ll choose a good one,” she remarked, nodding decisively.
Katie had been on a mission to get me to date again, especially lately. A lot of it probably had to do with how bored she was.
“What about a friends with benefits arrangement?” I remarked, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could.
“Wow, that came straight out of the left field,” Katie said, her eyes widening as she stared at me. “Do you have one?” she added, her brows lifting in surprise.
“No,” I shook my head. “I was just wondering what you thought about it.”
“Friends with benefits can be a good thing…” she added, her tone considerate and cautious.
“I sense a ‘but’.”
“But it depends on the people involved, I guess,” she shrugged. She looked at me again, this time with suspicion. “Do you want a friend with benefits?”
“Well…I’m thinking about it, anyway. The last thing in the world I want right now is a relationship. I don’t have time, nor do I want that. But before I can even do that…I should practice being intimate with someone, right?”
“I guess that makes sense,” she responded thoughtfully. “What does your therapist say?”
“My therapist is big on the whole ‘open communication’ thing,” I said, making air quotations with my fingers as I spoke. “She’s been telling me for years to start doing things for myself, and I don’t know…I feel like this could be good for me? It’d definitely be for me, at least.”
“Then give a go,” Katie said, her hand reaching out to grasp mine. She gave me an encouraging smile, but the crease between her eyebrows told me that she was worried. “Just…listen to your intuition. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“Me either,” I confessed.