Becky
June 2017
When Mom died, it felt as if the chapter had ended before a resolution could be reached. Unfinished, untethered.
For all of the years of hurt we each harbored, we’d only just begun to sift through the baggage and find peace with one another. I’d spent so much of my life angry at her for not leaving my dad. After what happened to me, I understood why she stayed a little better. But so many things had been left incomplete, and so much of our time together had been wasted.
It wasn’t fair, and for months I carried that ugly feeling around with me like an anchor.
It didn’t help that I had to watch as my little brother descended into his own personal hell, and I tried with feeble, fumbling hands to help him. So did Brock, but we couldn’t face Braden’s demons on his behalf. He had to do it himself, and for a while there…I worried that nothing would bring him out of it.
Six months after Mom’s death, six horrible months of watching my brother drink and rage, and I’d had enough. I told him that I couldn’t have him around Aiden anymore. I told him that he was too much like our father, that unless he went to rehab and got sober…he wasn’t welcome in my house.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it woke Braden up, and he was getting his life back on track. He’d been accepted into the mechanical engineering program at Algonquin College, and graduated top of his class.
He came back home last September, and was working at Chuck’s Garage. He was doing well, although I still worried about him from time to time.
After graduating top of my nursing program three years ago in April, I’d landed a full-time position at the hospital, which was a godsend. It had been a challenge and a half to find sitters willing to put up with the odd hours of my school schedule and my old job as a cashier. With my new job, I was able to put Aiden in daycare during the summer months.
Brock had gone back to work once I’d graduated from college and once Braden seemed to be doing better. He couldn’t live off his savings forever, so he went back to working one-month on and one-month off.
On this particular sticky late June evening, Aiden was camping with his uncles and Tessa, and I had needed to get out of the house. The walls were closing in on me so I texted Katie and asked her to meet me at O’Riley’s.
We arrived early enough to snag one of the best booths, closest to the already occupied pool tables. Mick brought us a pitcher of beer and a plate of nachos to share while we waited for a pool table to free up.
“How’s everything going?” I asked.
“Not good,” Katie sighed, her shoulders slumping with disappointment. “Still not pregnant. I don’t get it…it was so easy to get pregnant with Alyssa. What am I doing wrong?”
“Maybe you’re just stressing too much?” I shrugged helplessly. My heart went out to Katie. She and Ben had been trying to conceive for the last two years. They wanted to have a bunch of kids all close together in age, like the families they’d both come from.
“Maybe,” Katie said, grabbing a nacho and popping it in her mouth. “What about you?”
“I’m fine,” I shrugged. My thoughts went back to Travis. Soon, he’d be back for the summer, and our arrangement had to end. This summer wasn’t like the previous summers. My older brother was getting married, and both Travis and I were in the wedding party. We’d be spending a lot of time together, and I was worried it would be just a matter of time before we were caught.
I didn’t want Brock to find out about Travis and me. He wouldn’t understand it, and he’d likely be livid at Travis. He’d assume that Travis was taking advantage of me and likely wouldn’t believe that I’d been the one making the rules and drawing the lines.
“Are you bringing anybody special to the wedding? FWB perhaps?” Katie leaned forward, snagging another chip.
“No, I’m not bringing anybody to the wedding,” I answered with a shrug.
“Will FWB be there anyway?” Katie pressed hopefully. I gave her a look, and she pouted. “I can’t believe you won’t tell me who it is. I’ll figure it out, you know.”
I laughed to cover my unease, hoping that she wouldn’t figure it out. Katie had been relentlessly pushing me to move on and actually date. If not FWB, then someone else. Every year, she got more intense in her quest to convince me. Having a friend with benefits had only appeased her for a short while.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m going to break things off with him anyway,” I responded with a shrug.
“Why? Did you catch the feels?” Katie asked, her eyes sparkling with mirth.
For the last four years, she’d been my cover story.
“No, I didn’t catch the feels,” I responded, rolling my eyes. But even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t exactly true. “We’re both too busy, now.”
Feelings—especially feelings of the romantic kind—unnerved me, so I wouldn’t allow myself to think about them. But I’d be lying if I said my desire to call off the arrangement with Travis was only because of the wedding and not wanting to get caught.
Memories of that fateful night when I’d blatantly asked him to sleep with me rushed over me. Maybe my decision making skills, marred by grief, were questionable when I made the offer.
In truth, I hadn’t believed he’d show up at the hotel room I’d booked us. I wasn’t naïve enough to assume that Travis hadn’t heard rumors of my broken life. He was a part of Brock’s circle, he had to have known. He could have any girl he wanted, why would he want me, as broken and lost as I was?
But despite that, he did…and when I was with him, I didn’t feel broken. I didn’t hear the ghosts of my past. I just enjoyed being in the now with him, because ultimately I knew we’d both return to our separate lives. There was a security in that, and I clung to it. I knew what to expect.
I enjoyed the escape he offered.
And yet…I cared about him. I considered him a friend, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. What was bad was just how much I looked forward to our summers together, to being with him. Not only was he skilled at reading my body and figuring out my needs before I could even voice them, but he was fun. He encouraged me to let my hair down a little, something my life of structure and routine was sorely lacking.
His life was such a stark contrast from mine; and I was drawn to it. It was like he was the sun and I was the earth, always striving to have his rays of warmth on me, never truly satisfied in its absence, in the darkness.
Those were feelings, and they were not a good sign. And recently, I’d started having dreams. I blamed the wedding—weddings were notorious for stirring up emotions better left sleeping.
I liked my life the way it was. I liked that it was just me, Aiden, my brothers—and Tessa, of course. I had a family that loved me, and a son that was my entire world.
Sometimes it got isolating and lonely, but not letting people in was preferable to accidentally opening the door for a monster.
Travis wasn’t a monster; I knew that. He would never purposely harm a hair on my head, but he did carry the ability to wreck me in far more devastating ways than that. The dreams I’d been having as of late proved it.
“Well, I don’t think it’d be a bad thing if you felt something for the dude you’ve been casually screwing for the last several years,” Katie shrugged. She grabbed the last nacho off the plate and ate it.
I sent her a withering look much like the one I’d use on Aiden if he was getting smart with me.
“Don’t do that, I recognize that look. I give it to Alyssa at least six times a day,” Katie laughed. “I just want to see you happy, is that so wrong?”
“I am happy,” I told her. “I like my job, I have an incredible kid, my brothers, Tessa, you. What more could I want?”
Katie said nothing, watching me with a sad smile. “Someone to share that with?” she finally said, shrugging.
I chose not to respond.
Her cell phone vibrated in her back pocket, and she pulled it out with a frown. “Hello? Seriously Ben? Alright. I’ll be right home.” She ended the call and sent me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I have to go…Alyssa is throwing up. Ben can handle a cow giving birth but he can’t handle a little bit of kid puke.” Katie rolled her eyes dramatically.
“That’s alright, I’m tired anyway. I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“God, I feel terrible,” Katie exclaimed, her brows drawn together in regret. “You barely ever get out for a night on the town, and here I am leaving before nine.”
“It’s not like you’re intentionally ditching me. Your daughter’s sick,” I said, standing. I gave her a reassuring smile.
She hugged me tightly before releasing me. “Keep an eye on my girl, Mick!” she instructed the old bartender.
“Will do,” Mick nodded, drying out a beer glass behind the bar. Katie squeezed my hand again before leaving.
I wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. I still hated going home to an empty house. It was too quiet, and I found the silence suffocating. Aiden wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, and I’d officially run out of prospects to keep me entertained.
“Plenty of patrons here that wouldn’t mind keeping you company,” Mick said with a wink as he paused by the table with a tray full of empty glasses. He grabbed Katie’s glass, his translucent eyes sparkling with mirth. I tried not to laugh as I looked around at the near-empty bar. The majority of customers were baby boomers, and a lot of them were fathers of old classmates.
“That’s alright, I’m gonna play a quick game of pool and call it a night,” I told him, noticing one of the pool tables had freed up. He nodded and made his way into the kitchen.
Reaching the pool table, I started to set up. I stroked the cue before driving it toward the ball with a steady hand. The tip hit it off the side, as I intended, and it ricocheted off the side of the pool table before it took another one of my balls right into the middle pocket.
My dad had taught me how to play—it was one of the only things he’d taught me. He thought it would be funny to hustle people using his eight year old daughter. He earned a lot of his drinking money that way, for a while. Until I learned to make myself scarce.
After sinking the eight ball, I set the game up again. I lined up my shot, but before I could take it, the door swung open and Travis walked in. He paused, his eyes scanning the patrons until they landed on me. A dimpled smile broke out on his face, and he strode toward me purposely.
“Want some company?” he asked, grabbing a free cue.
For a moment, all I could do was stare at him and wonder if I’d conjured him up by wishful thinking. Shaking my head, I fought a smile. It was ridiculous how light he made me feel, simply by showing up.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I called Brock to see if he wanted to meet for some brews, but he’s camping with Aiden, Tessa, and Braden.”
“Really?” I feigned shock, my lips twitching slightly at the giddy lightness in my chest. “So that’s where they went.”
“Funny girl,” Travis said, his lips curling up in half a smile. His jawline was scruffy, and I wanted to reach out and touch it—to know what it felt like when it brushed against my inner thighs. The last time we’d seen each other, he’d been clean shaven.
My teeth sank into my bottom lip in an attempt to snap out of the carnal thoughts. His eyes were fixated on them, and he licked his own lips in response, as if he could read my mind and the dirty thoughts it contained.
“Sure, you take the first shot,” I told him, stepping away from the table.
He sunk two stipes and with the second, one of mine. Then it was my turn. I grabbed my cue and lined up my shot. I sunk the rest of the solids, then went for the eight ball.
“Are you hustling me?” he asked lowly, his eyes twinkling mischievously from across the pool table. He had no idea that I spent a lot of my childhood hustling people over a game of pool.
“I can’t help it if I’m better than you,” I shrugged, setting up for the next game. We played again, but he was more focused on watching me than actually playing. The more he watched me, the more mistakes I made.
Casting a nervous glance over my shoulder, I relaxed when I realized nobody was paying any attention to us. The other patrons didn’t care what the younger ones were up to, so long as they still had their dart board and their spots at the bar in front of the TV.
“Let’s go somewhere,” Travis said.
I brought my eyes back to him, arching a brow. “Where?”
“Anywhere you want. We could drive down to the lake and skinny dip or get a hotel room and spend the night getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies.”
“Both of those suggestions end up with me naked,” I pointed out, fighting back a smile.
“Which is why I’m fond of them both,” Travis said, leaning against his cue and sending another dimpled smile my way. “What do you say?”
I knew I should say no, especially given the fact that I was hell-bent on calling off our arrangement.
But tonight? I wanted his company.
What we were doing got riskier every time we did it, especially with the upcoming wedding. Ending our little arrangement made sense…but at the same time, I didn’t want it to end. Travis was familiar and simple; we kept it strictly sex and fun. No heavy topics, no conversations that could change the delicate balance in which we existed.
I had two choices: I could either go with him, or spend the evening alone.
I chose to go with him. I wanted to exist in that world, if only for one more night. Then I’d tell him the arrangement was over.
I left before him, like I had so many times before. I drove home, knowing that he’d follow me, thinking about all the stolen moment’s we’d shared over the years. The prospect of ending the arrangement sat heavily on my chest, but I pushed it away.
I stepped out of my car as Travis pulled up to the curb in his monstrous Chevy Silverado.
“Your chariot awaits you,” he called out of the open window. Shaking my head and biting my lip, I opened the door and climbed in, hoping none of my neighbours had chosen that moment to peer out of their windows. “Did you decide between the hotel and the lake?”
“Let’s go to the lake,” I answered. It had been a long time since I’d done anything reckless—almost a year, actually.
“Mine or yours?” Travis asked, referring to his place on Lake Rosseau and the Miller heritage property on Simmes Lake.
“Mine,” I replied without hesitation. With my brothers’ out of town, there’d be no chance of getting caught.
I buckled up and we took off, my hair whipping around my face.
We parked on the grass just before the sandy beach, with the cab facing the lake. Travis turned the engine off, and our eyes took a moment to adjust to the plunge in darkness. The moon was high in the sky and the night was silent save for the chirping of crickets and the occasional bullfrog. Fireflies glowed, spelling out their secret messages to one another.
“Well?” he asked, looking at me expectantly.
“Well what?”
“I believe you promised me skinny dipping,” he said, his kissable lips twitching.
“The lake is cold,” I retorted, arching a brow at him.
“I’ll keep you warm,” he challenged with a grin. He’d moved closer to me, his lips pressing against the side of my neck.
“I thought you just wanted sex and were trying to be creative about it.”
Travis pulled away to look at me. “Nope, I wanted sex and a swim—maybe at the same time,” he waggled his eyebrows playfully and nipped at my earlobe.
“You’re a fiend,” I laughed, rolling my eyes as I pushed him away. I pulled my hair back from my face, studying him through narrowed eyes. The man was actually pouting at me, putting on the puppy dog eye effect and everything. “Fine, I’ll swim.”
“Naked,” Travis clarified with a grin as he tugged at my shirt.
I opened the door, stepped outside, and shaking my head, I began to strip. I pushed my shorts down my thighs and stepped out of them, tossing them into the back seat. Travis opened his door and stepped out, his eyes never leaving me as I continued to peel off my layers.
He swallowed hard, his lips curving up in a smile that made my centre ache.
It had been almost a year of celibacy for me. It was a mixture of a self-imposed and circumstantial sentence. I didn’t need sex to survive, and I hadn’t met anybody I’d wanted to sleep with. It seemed an awful like I was waiting for him, but I wasn’t…or at least, I wasn’t pining for him. Travis understood my body and he was careful to toe the line I’d drawn. He didn’t push me for more than I was willing to give, so he was safe.
But, the way he was looking at me in that moment was anything but safe. I bit my lip, watching as he kicked off his jeans and boxers. His cock was hard, and he stroked it a few times, watching me with a smirk dancing across his lips. “I want to spread you out in the cab of my truck and lick you until you cum so hard you forget your name and beg for me to be inside of you.”
I pressed my thighs together, his words threatening to undo me. “You’ll have to catch me first,” I said decisively before sprinting toward the lake.
It was the end of June; the air was warm and sticky, and I ran as fast as I could, hoping to reach the water before Travis caught up to me. I had no such luck, and in three long strides he’d caught up. He threw me over his shoulder and ran straight into the lake.
Cold water splashed over my legs as he waded out until the water hit his collarbone. I let out a gasp before he dunked us both under the water and shot back up immediately. He held my ass as I slid down his body. I slapped his hard chest playfully, and he chuckled.
With the moonlight reflecting off the lake, it was easy to see his face—and the look of reverence in his hazel eyes.
I pushed my dripping locks out of my face, my breath catching in my lungs. Needing to break away from the heaviness in the air, I turned and dove back into the water. Kicking my legs out, I swam hard and fast toward the floating dock.
I grabbed the ladder at the same time Travis did. He grinned at me, barely out of breath, and moved closer. “Are you ready for the sex part yet?”
“More than ready,” I admitted, grinning. His arms gripped the sides of the ladder, caging me in.
He kissed me, his lips fitting against mine as if he’d done this on a daily basis, even though it’d be months since we last touched each other.
I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck, kissing him back with greed that bubbled over from the cracks in my heart.
A moment later, I pulled away, drawing in a much needed breath. He let me go, moving his lips to pepper kisses along the side of my jaw.
“I’m cold,” I said, my teeth chattering less from the temperature, and more from anticipation. I needed him, I craved him. I could think of nothing else but him in that moment. Not tomorrow, not next month.
It was a poignant, all-consuming, and very confusing feeling.
Shivering and wet, we raced across the sandy beach to his truck. I threw open the passenger door and jumped in, rubbing my hands over my arms to try and warm up. He turned on the heat and then reached into the back seat to grab two towels. I took the one he offered me and dried off, using it to clean the sand off my feet last. I sat up, tucking my wet hair behind my ear, still shivering.
“Come here,” he said, his gruff voice breaking the silence that filled the cab. I moved closer to him, my heart pounding ceaselessly in my chest as he lifted me almost effortlessly onto his lap. His legs were so long that his seat had to be pushed back all the way, which meant I had no trouble fitting in the spot between him and the steering wheel.
I rolled my hips, my core brushing against the length of his hardness. Travis let out a deep groan. He caught my bottom lip with his teeth and tugged gently as his hands gripped my hips, bringing me against him again. His skin was hot, despite how cold the water had been just moments before.
He kept kissing me while he reached forward and popped open the glove box, searching through it blindly. He found what he was looking for and drew back, flashing the square foil packet at me with a wicked grin. “Always come prepared,” he remarked, rolling the condom over his thick, hard length. My heart clenched in momentary crushing disappointment, and before I could mull over the reason why I felt that way, his hands went to my hips again and he held me while he slowly eased inside.
I forgot who we were. I forgot where we were. I forgot every single thing except how he felt inside of me.
He pumped into me, hard and sure. I met him thrust for thrust, eager to take every last drip of pleasure he gave me. My orgasm hit hard, and I bit a little too hard on his bottom lip. He didn’t seem to care, he continued to drive into me a few more times before he found his release.
“Jesus, Becs,” he panted afterward, his eyes fixed on mine. The grin on his face eased the panic I felt in the moments after our joining, when the gentle touches and the long gazes would spark thoughts better left unspoken. “I’ve missed being in you.”
“That sounds dangerously like something a boyfriend would say,” I warned him, climbing off his lap. I twisted around, trying to reach my clothes in the back seat. I’d said it to remind him of my rules, but it also served as a reminder to myself.
“Or it sounds dangerously like something a dude would say right after sex,” Travis shot back, slapping my ass.
I turned my head to look at him, letting out an aggravated huff as my fist closed around my pile of clothes. Each beat of my heart hurt, and I couldn’t look at him while I dressed. Once finished, I turned to face him. He was standing outside, slipping back into his jeans. “We’re going to have to stop this, you know,” I finally said.
Travis paused for a second. He didn’t meet my gaze as he straightened and buttoned his jeans. “Stop what?” he asked. He sounded casual, but the slight tick in his jaw suggested my words had upset him.
“Sleeping together,” I clarified.
“Why do we have to do that?” he asked, grinning at me as he leaned into the cab, his chest still gloriously bare. He reached for his t-shirt, pulling it on and obscuring my view of his six-pack.
“Because Brock’s getting married next month, and when you come back we’ll have to be around each other and everyone else. I don’t want anybody suspecting anything. We had our fun, but I think it’s time this arrangement ended.” Each word burned like acid on the way out, but it was necessary. In that moment, I knew I’d gotten more invested than I ever intended on getting.
“This arrangement,” Travis repeated, still smiling…only without the amusement. He nodded his head once, pursing his lips as he absorbed what I was saying.
“Yes.” I don’t know why, but it felt an awful lot like I was hurting him, and I didn’t like how knotted my stomach was over it.
“So you’re saying that you no longer want to have incredible sex with me, because your brother’s getting married and you don’t want anybody to find out that we’re having incredible sex?” he paraphrased, his brow raising in question. I nodded. “Would it really be all that bad if they found out?”
His question threw me completely off guard. My heart stuttered in my chest and I felt a rush of adrenaline, a desire to take flight from this situation that I couldn’t seem to stay in control of anymore.
“Yes!” I finally replied after overcoming my shock. I looked at him like he’d lost his ever loving marbles. “You really don’t think Brock would be pissed if he found out what we’ve been doing behind his back for the last four years?”
It wasn’t like our sleeping together had been a one-time thing, like I’d planned for in the beginning. That could have been easily forgiven, but we had met up many times. Every summer, and whenever else he came home and sought me out.
I worried about what that betrayal would do to Brock and Travis’s friendship. I couldn’t stand the idea of causing another rift between them.
Travis hesitated. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, searching for something to say. He looked like he wanted to argue with me, but he knew that I was probably right about Brock.
“If that’s what you want,” he finally said. He climbed in, closed the door, and started the engine. He said nothing as he backed away from the beach and pulled out onto the private road.
We didn’t talk for the entire drive back to town. He pulled into my driveway, finally lifting his chin to look at me. “See you around, Becs,” he said, his eyes focusing straight ahead again. Dismissing me.
Even though it was for the best, watching him drive away burned.