When Jax pulled up to my house, he parked and leaned back against his seat. His head fell back against the headrest as he sighed heavily. Silence filled the car as I watched him stare at nothing on the roof of the car. Somehow, I felt worse for him than I did myself. Possibly because I went into that situation with a large part of me knowing it would end badly. I was skeptical from the beginning, but I only agreed because I’d been so angry at Jax. I stupidly wanted to prove that I could do whatever I wanted to do, especially if Jax was going to do the same. I deserved what I got. Only the dreamer in me expected more than what happened. It was possible that he believed that Becky was better than that. It was possible that he had full faith in her. I hoped not, though. I hated seeing him hurting.
“Are you okay?” I asked finally.
He looked over, an amused look on his face.
“Me? I’m fine. My concern is more with you. Seriously… I don’t get it,” he said.
“Aw, you don’t have to worry about me,” I said. “What don’t you get? How we were dumb enough to fall for that stupidity again?”
“No,” he said. “I don’t get how you can be so perfect. You saw him with another woman. Again. He tried to manipulate you. Again. And when that failed, he bullied and belittled you. Again. And you’re worried about me… What the hell is wrong with that man?”
He shook his head as he looked away from me and back to the roof of the car. His head would stop shaking in what appeared to be his own disbelief, only for him to do it again.
“It means a lot that you think that,” I said. “But I’m not that special. They were just selfish, and I’m not. That’s basically what it boils down to.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he said. “But I don’t think so. I just think that he’s a hideous excuse for a man and didn’t deserve you. I’d say that I’m glad all that just happened, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way. I assure you the way it sounds is not the way that I mean it.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “You stuck up for me when no one else ever has, minus Andi of course. I know you don’t want to wish harm on me. Truth is, I’m glad that it happened to both of us. Because it was early. This was his first opportunity to prove to me that he wasn’t a jerk, and he screwed it up. Badly. I’d rather know right now than six months or three years down the road. Same for you. Now we can just have total closure on those rotten people and move on with our lives.”
“You said it better than I could have,” he said. “And I’ll always be here for you. However you need me.”
I smiled. He was a good man. He was definitely a good friend. I think I trusted him even more than Andi in some ways. I didn’t want him to go home dwelling on that. I’d get over it, but I didn’t know what was going on in his head, and it seemed like he was taking it kind of hard.
“Wanna come inside and make something really sugary and gross to eat?” I asked. “Then we can watch a movie. Something funny.”
He snapped around and looked at me. “I’m so sorry! I was so lost in my head that I forgot to take you to get your milkshake!”
I laughed. “Please stop freaking out. It’s fine. I was so lost in my head that I forgot to remind you. Don’t worry about it. I think I have ice cream inside anyway. We can make them here. Or… we can do what I suggested the first time and make something hideously sweet and bad for us to eat. We can ruin those abs of yours.”
“I think that sounds perfect,” he said. “Brownies maybe?”
I smiled. “It’s chocolate. The answer will always be yes. That’s where I get my butt from.” I laughed. I was partly referencing my comment from earlier and partly cracking a joke at my expense. I did that often.
I turned to get out of the car and he grabbed hold of my wrist. When I faced him he placed his hand on the side of my neck, his fingers gently wrapping around as he pulled me closer to him.
“Please don’t make fun of yourself,” he said, his voice low. “You told me the things he’s said to you, but hearing it for myself… I have no words. Please don’t feel that way about yourself.”
He was so close to me that I could hardly breathe. His presence in that car was overwhelming. There was so much emotion on his face, but I had no idea what emotion that might be. I needed to pull away. We were both feeling very vulnerable and had no business being that close.
But…
But…
Gah!
I pulled away, forcing myself to look away. I couldn’t look at him anymore at that moment. Any longer and I’d have kissed him. I exhaled heavily and nodded.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry if I crossed…”
“No,” I interrupted. “No. You’re fine. You didn’t cross a line. I’m just… Maybe we should just go get those death-by-chocolate overkill brownies started. What do you think?”
He smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”
We got out of the car and walked up to my house. After unlocking the deadbolt and before pushing it open, I pause.
“And I will try not to crack any more negative jokes about myself,” I said. “But I can’t promise anything.”
His expression was warm as he looked at me. “Good, girl.”
Oh, God, I thought. Those two words bothered me much more than they should have. Heat rolled through my belly, warming me and forcing my breath to catch.
Get inside you idiot. Get inside.
I gave a quick smile and pushed the door open.
“Welcome to my home,” I said before darting inside. “Go ahead and make yourself comfortable. I’m going to change. Dressing up isn’t really my thing.”
“Thanks,” he said from behind me.
I went to my room and tore off the nice clothes that I had on and tossed them in the closet floor. I’d forgotten to bring the clothes basket back from the laundry room. I nervously looked through my clothes and decided that it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to impress him. I didn’t need to. I needed to keep physical distance. I grabbed some pajama pants and a plain shirt. The bottoms were men’s bottoms. That meant they were very long, very soft, and very comfortable. Why women’s pj pants were always so short, I would never know. But buying men’s pj pants was the way to go. They even had the logo of my favorite first person shooter on the right leg. Not sexy, but very comfy. If I had the ability to regrow leg hair on demand I’d do that, too, just to keep extra distance.
When I came back out, Jax was leaning against the counter waiting for me. I tried to ignore how perfect he looked in those dark jeans that hugged him in all the right places. I made my way past and to the cabinets.
“Love the jammies,” he said.
“Hey,” I said. “No laughing.”
“I’m not laughing!” he said, smiling. “Okay, well, maybe I am, but it’s in good fun. You look very…”
He paused for a moment as he looked me over, his mischievous grin never leaving his perfect full lips.
“Very what?” I asked. “Choose those words wisely. You wouldn’t want to lose out on your brownie privileges, sir.”
“No! Not that. They sound amazing. My goodness. You’re cruel. Cute,” he said. “We will stick with cute. I don’t want to lose my brownie privileges for anything stronger than that.”
I playfully narrowed my eyes at him. I wasn’t certain if he meant that I looked better or worse than cute. I chose to believe the first option.
“Wise choice.”
The cabinets had just recently been restocked with all the things I needed to bake goodies. I liked to make things for special occasions, and I got requests quite often from the people at work. After rifling through the overhead cabinets, I had everything that I needed to make dark chocolate brownies with chocolate chips. He said that he liked white chocolate, too, so I put some of those in as well. I didn’t mind. I liked both.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“I’m starving. I’m not so sure I’m not going to eat the glass dish once we eat all of the brownies,” I said.
It made me happy that he found my sense of humor so funny. It felt natural to be able to joke around with someone.
I looked up from pouring the batter in the Pyrex dish. “Why do you ask? Are you hungry? I can make something for you.”
He looked at me incredulously. “Growing up in my house, if my mom made dinner, then one of us was responsible for either the dessert or the dishes. If we were too lazy to make dessert, then we didn’t get any, but still had to clean up after. If one of us kids cooked, then Mom would do the dishes or make dessert. In other words, you are making magic in that purple dish, so I can make dinner. I’ll nose around, if you don’t mind, and see what I can put together.”
It was my turn to look at him with disbelief. I’d never been helped in the kitchen. Even Andi hadn’t helped me out in the kitchen, though she was an amazing cook.
“Who are you?” I asked.
He smiled. “The man of your dreams.”
“Ha!” I said. “Quite full of ourselves, aren’t we?”
“Yes, we are,” he responded before heading to the fridge.
Jax managed to put together an amazing dinner. Homemade alfredo sauce. Homemade! I loved to cook, but I had no idea how to do that. It was orgasmic. I loved it. And once we’d stuffed ourselves on dinner, we went for the brownies. Instead of pulling out one each for ourselves, we went to the couch with the entire dish of them and a fork. We were prepared. There may or may not have been glasses of milk involved as well. By the end of it, I wanted to die from being so full, but it was so fun.
We watched a couple of movies together before it started to get super late. He’d had a few glasses of wine, but I steered clear of it. I knew what alcohol, even a single drop, did to me. The night had gone too nicely for me to screw it up like that. It was almost midnight, and I was starting to feel like passing out. I had to work the next day, so I needed to get in bed soon. Even with that looming, I didn’t want to go to bed. I’d had so much fun with him. Why did it have to go so fast?
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
He sighed, leaning back. “I really shouldn’t have eaten all that. I’m so tired now.”
“Me, too,” I replied. “Very much.”
“We should get you to bed, then,” he said.
“Oh, no,” I responded quickly. “I didn’t mean that you needed to go. I’m fine. Really. I’m just tired. I also don’t want this to end because it’s been pretty great.”
“It really has been, hasn’t it?” he asked.
“Mmhmm.” It was the only thing I could muster. My eyes were too heavy.
“Okay, sleepy girl,” he said. “Bedtime for you.”
Everything shifted around me. My eyes shot open, and I found that Jax was holding me.
“What are you doing?” My voice came out a little quieter than I’d meant for it, too. I was just too tired.
“I’m taking you to bed,” he replied. “You fell asleep on the couch.”
I didn’t have the strength to say anything else. I just nestled in closer to his chest. He was warm and smelled amazing. I couldn’t understand how his body was so hard, but how he was also so soft to be against. He put my legs down and held me against him, allowing him to hold my very fatigued form up and also pull the blankets back.
“Thank… you,” I mumbled as he laid me down.
“You’re welcome,” he whispered. “Sleep well, beautiful.”
He kissed my forehead. The touch of his lips woke me enough to see him backing away.
“Wait,” I said.
He came back, kneeling next to the bed.
“What do you need?” he asked. “Do you need a drink?”
In my current state, I was a bit more emotionally vulnerable than while awake and alert. The act of him asking me that, if I needed something, made me want to cry. He was so sweet. A sense of urgency filled me then. I couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving. For some reason, I couldn’t handle it. It killed me.
“Please stay,” I said.
“Stay?”
“Yes. Will you just hold me until I fall asleep? You can go afterward, if you want. I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
His hand gently caressed the side of my face.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice a soft whisper.
“Mmhmm. I just don’t want to be alone. I’m feeling very…”
“Vulnerable,” he finished.
“Yes.”
He stood then, making his way around to the other side of the bed.
“Would you like me to sleep on top of the blankets? I don’t mind. If you have another blanket somewhere, I will be quite comfortable.”
Always the gentleman.
“No,” I said. “Just climb in.”
He did as I requested and slid closer to me.
“I’m not sure how close you want me,” he said. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable while trying to make you feel better.”
I responded by scooting back against him, my back and body flush against his. I didn’t even care that there was a gorgeous man’s body pressed against mine at that moment. The only thing that I wanted was to be held, and he did that for me. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me even tighter against him. I felt his mouth near my neck, but he did nothing. Maybe I was wrong about not caring.
“Is this okay?” he asked.
“Y-yes,” I said, my voice cracking a bit.
I wondered if he knew what he did to me because I had no idea what, if anything, I did to him.
He wrapped the arm that he was lying on under my neck and fully enveloped me. It was perfect. Soon, he began running his fingers through my hair. It was more than I could handle, and I very quickly became relaxed enough to fall asleep. In those last few moments before the unconsciousness took me, it occurred to me that I’d never felt so safe and comfortable with anyone before. Just before going under, I felt myself smile.
* * *
A rotten dream about Kevin woke me, memories of what he’d said and done plaguing me. Though I was awake, I didn’t open my eyes. I shifted and felt Jax still lying beside me, holding me. He hadn’t moved. I smiled as I remembered the sweet way he’d taken care of me. He’d even carried me to bed. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. Being next to him felt right. It felt like that was exactly where I needed to be. I hated that I felt so peaceful around him. I hated that the timing was so bad.
But…
Was it really? Was it terrible for me to want to be with him? We’d both been hurt, time and time again. Who makes those stupid rules anyway? Who was to say that a relationship won’t work just because you waited one day less than what was required? Or that you’ve waited too long because it’s been a week longer than that magical date. I sighed. It was far more stressful than it should be.
I was pulled from my thoughts when Jax moved against me. His breathing was heavy, but slow in a classic sleep pattern. His arm tightened around my waist as he pulled me closer. The breath caught in my throat as I felt the full length of him pressing against my backside. I was very torn. He was asleep, but I couldn’t deny the incredible desire building in me. Without meaning to, my hips moved backward, grinding against him.
There was a low moan in his chest, but he didn’t move. I couldn’t tell if he had awoken or if that was just an involuntary reflex of his body. My breaths quickened as my heart raced. It had been a long time since I’d been in such a position, and it was enticing, but I was determined to keep my hands to myself.
Jax snuggled in closer, his face resting right behind my ear and his breath tickling the fine baby hair along my neck. Chills raced through my body and a moan slipped out. My eyes widened as I made the noise, mentally kicking myself for not being able to hold it back. I didn’t want to wake him.
“Mmm,” he groaned as he adjusted his position. “Are you okay, beautiful? Am I hurting you?”
My heart melted, and my body ached. His deep, sleepy voice echoed through my ears, his breath still on my neck. I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell him that I was fine, but I wasn’t. I’d never felt such intensity before.
“I’m okay,” I said.
“You’re breathing heavy,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “Do you need me to move? I’m basically lying on you, and I’m very heavy.”
“No,” I responded. I was surprised just how small my voice sounded. “You’re fine.”
As I laid there, silent, breathing heavier than what I should have been, my mind wandered. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How sweet he was… How considerate he was… How he’d stood up for me earlier against Kevin. No one had ever treated me like that. My steely resolve faltered as my need grew to be more than what I was capable of withstanding.
Slowly, I moved my hand and covered his, the very one wrapped around my stomach. He spread his fingers in response and interlocked his with mine. My mouth fell open as I moved our hands upward, dangerously close to my breasts. I felt one of his fingers graze the sensitive skin and my entire body jerked. I heard a sharp intake of breath by my earlobe, just before the tip of his nose brushed against it.
My hips moved backward again, but he was awake that time. He exhaled hard.
“Elizabeth,” he whispered. “What are you doing?”
Once again, I twisted my hips back against him. He hissed as his hand bolted out of mine, gripping my hip and holding it in place.
“I-I’m sorry,” I said, my voice almost a squeak as it came out. My chest was heaving with every deep breath. “I couldn’t help it.”
The grip in his strong hand loosened as he lightly massaged the area. I felt his lips at the juncture between my neck and shoulder. He kissed the sensitive skin and I gasped at the shockwave that spread through my body.
“I don’t want you to do something that you’ll regret later,” he said. “I never want you to regret anything with me.”
I shook my head. “Never. I want this. I want you.”
I could feel his lips curl into a smile against my shoulder.
“You have no idea what that does to me, Elizabeth. Still…”
I groaned. The way that I felt at that moment was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It was incredible. My body hurt. The pain between my legs was unbearable. It was amazing how I’d forgotten what any of that felt like.
“If I were to leave and walk away right now in order to prevent you from hating me in the morning, what would you do?” he asked. His tone was calm, cool, but I could feel every heated breath on my skin. He wanted me, too.
“Honestly?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“I haven’t hurt for anyone like this in a very long time. I’m not quite certain that I’ve ever hurt like this for anyone,” I said.
“Hmm,” he moaned in my ear. “I see.”
Like earlier in the night, I felt myself being twirled around. As my mind caught up, I found myself on my back, Jax hovering over me. His legs were on either side of mine, pinning them beneath him.
“I don’t like the thought of you in this kind of pain,” he said. “But I like the thought of you regretting anything between us even less.”
“I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to,” I said. “You asked for honesty.”
“I did,” he said.
He shifted his weight, holding himself up with his left arm. His right hand then trailed down my side, the tips of his fingers barely brushing me through the fabric of my shirt. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to make things better or worse. I couldn’t tell if he planned to do something or if he was fighting himself to leave.
His fingers slipped under the edge of my shirt, allowing him to touch my bare skin. In the ambient light, I could see him staring at me. His face was too dark for me to see his expression, but I could make out the lines of his features. Reaching up, I touched his face and he placed a lingering kiss on the inside of my wrist.
“I think I should go,” he said. “I don’t know if I can stop myself if you start anything.”
I didn’t say anything as I leaned up and kissed him. Part of me felt terrible because I knew he was trying to be good, but I didn’t want to be. I was sick of trying to live by everyone else’s expectations and rules. Life wasn’t supposed to be about perfect calculations and doing everything by the book. It was about taking chances and being happy. Even making those around you happy. To hell with everything else.
When Jax's lips touched mine, I lost myself. He knew exactly how to move them, and I didn’t realize until that moment just what I'd been missing with my old relationship. The heat. The fire. It was intense, and I couldn’t get enough.
I freed my legs from between his and wrapped them around his waist. He lowered himself further, his weight pressing me into the bed as he kissed me harder. Every inch of him pressed against me, making the torture even sweeter. He pulled my lower lip into mouth and lightly bit it.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked before kissing me again.
“You have no…”
My phone rang then, interrupting what I was about to say. I immediately decided to ignore it, obviously having better things to do. I pulled him down into a kiss, but the phone interrupted us again. I groaned.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, reaching for my phone.
It was my cousin’s wife, Desiree. She always texted when she wanted to talk. Like me, she hated being on the phone. Plus, it was very late for her. She was usually in bed by nine, given she had to be up by four every morning. A bad feeling crept across me as I answered.