The pounding of my feet against the footpath begins to slow down as Hendrix’s house comes into view. Unable to break routine, I find myself looking forward to the silence every morning.

It’s only been two weeks since I’ve come home, but there are days when I wake up in a cold sweat, my chest tight, and my mind consumed by the doubts of not living up to everyone’s expectations.

Things move at lightning speed around me--everyone has somewhere to be, and they’re usually rushing around to be there. I try to keep up, but it’s also difficult when your life is stagnant and there’s no need for you to race around like everyone else. It’s been two weeks, and my days feel and look exactly the same as they were on the inside. Eat, sleep, exercise. And not necessarily in that order.

The loneliness is unnerving. My family is around me, but the disconnect is noticeable. I see them trying. Too hard in fact, but I grin and bear it, because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. Dakota and Hendrix have effortlessly accepted me into their lives, my time spent with them the highlight of every day.

But there’s still the elephant in the room--unanswered questions and unspoken confessions. And I’m not ready to stain the pure elation I feel at being able to see their faces whenever I want.

Unlocking the front door, it’s no surprise to see Hendrix sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, scooping cereal into his mouth like it’s his last meal.

“Morning,” I call out. He looks up and tips his chin in my direction.

Drix isn’t a morning person, so I’m used to the silence that ensues when I come back from my run. Once his stomach is satisfied, it doesn’t take too long for him to snap out of it and join the rest of the world.

“Do you want to come to work with me today?” he asks unexpectedly. I don’t want to go with him. There are a lot of hang ups about myself I didn’t have before, now everything I do comes with an unwelcome emotion, as if life’s sole purpose is to fuck around with my insecurities.

“I was going to stay here and keep applying for jobs.”

“You can do that at the office. There’s everything you need there.” Walking over to the sink, he rinses out his bowl and stacks it in the dishwasher. “It’s going to be a quiet day, and I thought you’d like to see what I do.”

Disappointing him isn’t an option.

Begrudgingly, I head for the bathroom and step into the shower. As the hot water scalds my skin, I wrap a fist around my hard cock and stroke myself to the image of a brunette beauty that has the power to erase it all. The anxiety leaves my body, as water washes off my release. By the time I get out, the tension returns, and just like the kiss with Emerson, relief is also too fleeting.

The drive to his office only takes half an hour. Parking outside a white cement rendered building I notice the PCYC signage has remained the same since I was a kid. Knowing not everything has changed while I was away offers the smallest amount of relief. Surrounded by a large grass area, the PCYC is there to provide a home away from home. There are offices for the youth workers, a canteen to provide food, and a place that offers a sense of community for those who need it.   

“Everyone is pretty laid back here,” he announces. “There will be a few young people coming in and out of my office, but they shouldn’t be a problem.”

“And you just want me to sit there with you?”

“You’ll have access to any computer in the room, and if you need me, I’m right there.”

“Won’t that be distracting?”

“No. Trust me, you’re the least distracting thing here.”

“Jesus H. Christ, there’s two of you.” A blonde beauty walks in the room, blatantly checking me out. “Hendrix, I can’t believe you left this piece of information out.”

“No, I’m pretty sure I told you I had a brother.”

“You didn’t say he was gorgeous.” She stares at me even while talking to Hendrix.

“He looks exactly like me.”

“That’s right. Gorgeous.” Setting herself up on another desk in the room, it’s easy to tell it’s an effortless relationship between them. “I’m Stacey by the way. I work with Hendrix.”

“I’m Jagger.”

“Your names even match,” she squeals.

I look over at Drix and he’s shaking his head. “You’ll be used to her by the end of the day.”

With my hands shoved deep into my pockets, I walk over to the only empty desk in the room. “Just sit down and stop overthinking it.” It’s become habit now for him to get me out of my own head. Just a quick reminder that my self doubt is always going to make things appear bigger than they are. Sitting down, I manage to figure out the computer pretty quick. I grew up with them, and we were able to use them in prison for educational purposes. The only thing I’m adjusting to is the internet. It was a lot slower when we used it for school, and now, it’s impossible not to get stuck down the rabbit hole. The ability to freely ask Google questions is a blessing in disguise. I don’t have to ask anyone, and I can devour all types of different information while working out what the fuck I’m going to do next.

The corridor fills with loud voices, and I watch Hendrix and Stacey with curiosity as they rise to meet the noise.

“Hey, what’s going on out here?” he shouts.

“Fucker owes me money, that’s what.”

I stand, the anger in the young man’s voice putting me on edge. Sticking my head out the door, I see Hendrix standing between two boys, and Stacey watching on. They’re no older than sixteen, testosterone flaring.

“I told you I would give it to you soon,” the other boy explains.

“I need it now, or my brother is going to kick my arse.”

“Your brother’s a dickhead anyway,” he spits out. On instinct I run out of the room and hold back the young man who has his back to me, while Hendrix does the same to the other kid. Everybody knows insulting someone’s family is off limits.

The boy cranes his neck to see who’s holding him, his eyes bulging out of his head when he realises there’s two of us.

“It looks good on you.” Hendrix smirks at me holding onto the kid. He motions his head back to his office and we all walk there together to sort it out.

Stacey quickly sets up two chairs opposite from one another, each boy taking a seat, seemingly familiar with the process.

I sit back behind the computer, one eye on the screen and the other watching the way these kids hang on Drix’s every word.

“Jason why do you owe Adam money?”

“I bought something off him.”

Drix shakes his head knowingly. “Adam, you said you were done with that shit. Come to think of it, you both did.” He looks back at Adam. “I don’t think your Juvenile Justice Officer is going to be impressed when I call him up.”

“Please, don’t,” he begs. “If I get locked up again, that’s it for me.”

“Your words tell me you care, man, but your actions just aren’t adding up. I’m a man of my word, and I’m not going to stick up for you if you aren’t a man of yours.”

Adam hangs his head in shame, the silence stretching between us all.

“I just came out of jail,” I confess. All eyes dart to me. I don’t know if I’m overstepping any boundaries, but I feel compelled to explain to this kid he has other options.

“What did you do?” he asks.

“Dumb shit. Things I thought made me a man. I thought I was invincible, but guess what? I wasn’t, and I paid the price. Twelve years away from anyone I knew and everyone I loved. Nothing was worth that.” I let my words sink, knowing everyone is shocked I chose to speak up. “Is that the life you want?”

He shakes his head.

“Listen to him.” I point to Hendrix. “Because if I did, I would’ve spent those years with my family. Not by myself.”

* * *

“Jagger, you have to come to my birthday dinner on Friday night,” Stacey blurts out.

“Ah, I don’t think I can. I’ve got curfew.” It’s embarrassing enough telling people you have to be home by ten pm, but I would rather be honest than sit through a dinner with people I don’t know.

“Hendrix, make sure he comes okay?” She dismisses my excuse. “Do you guys want to go down the pub for a drink?”

“Sure, we’ll meet you there in fifteen.” Hendrix answers for the both of us.

I haven’t drank alcohol anywhere but home. My body is still getting used to it, Even fifteen-year-old me could give me a run for my money these days.

The pub is only a five minute drive from their office and packed with an after work crowd as we walk through to the outdoor patio. In the back corner is a tall round bar table, Stacey already there reserving our seats.

“I’m just going to put it out there. She’s going to try and crack onto you.”

I laugh, “thanks for the warning.”

“She will, and you should probably let her.”

“Really?

“Definitely. I mean, how are you going to know if your dick even works.”

I punch him in the shoulder. “Fuck you, my dick works just fine. I just don’t want to disrespect your place and bring some meaningless sex there right now.”

“Since when are you such a gentleman?”

“I’m trying to avoid shitting where I eat, that’s all.”

The conversation ends as soon as we get within hearing range of Stacey. I take a seat next to her while Hendrix heads off to the bar to buy our drinks.

“You did really great with those kids today,” she states. “Some days it’s impossible to get through, but I think having someone talk about it firsthand helps.”

“It’s nice to know that something good can come of it, right?” Today was the only time I ever felt like my experiences might’ve made a positive impact on someone else’s life.

“It’s going to get better. You just need to relax and let things happen.”

Drix returns, and the alcohol takes away the chip on my shoulder. The three of us easily fall into comfortable banter as they share stories about their least favourite co-workers.

“Do you guys want another?” Drix asks.

“No, I’m good.” Stopping at two, I enjoy the buzz but still being able to have my faculties about me.

“Stace?” He points at her empty wine glass.

“Sure, why not?”

As soon as he turns his back on us, Stacey’s hand travels up my thigh. My dick stirs, because let’s be honest, it doesn’t take much. Pretending to be unaffected, I take one last long pull of my beer, finishing off the bottle. By the time I slam the drink down, my cock is hard and tenting my jeans. I place my hand over hers before she starts palming my dick in public. The conversation with Hendrix plays at the back of my mind.

I look back at my watch, and then back at her. “Want to go back to your place?”

It takes us twenty minutes to get to her place, five seconds to kiss, twelve seconds for our clothes to come off and fifteen seconds for her to get on her knees and suck me off.

I want to tell her she didn’t have to do that, but by the time her tongue swirls around the head of my cock, resistance is futile. I guide her up and down, the tip hitting the back of her throat. One hand strokes me, while the other massages my balls.

The connection between us is nowhere to be found, and I’m regretting my decision by the second. Whatever this is, it’s stale and detached. My only purpose is to get off and go home.   

“If you don’t want it in your mouth, stop,” I warn.

Ignoring me, she moves her head faster, and my spine begins to tingle with that addictive feeling. I sink into the wall and let my release course through me.

“Fuck,” I hiss. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”