“I’ve missed you,” my mom admitted after Christmas dinner. We’d had reservations at a restaurant for only the two of us, which had felt nice. Mom had never been much of a cook, and that had been a point of contention with my father, so sometimes we’d sit through tense dinners where Mom, hoping to please him, tried recipes that didn’t always quite work.

“Me too.” And I recognized I had. Texting and phone calls were one thing, but seeing her in the flesh and blood was different. She even changed her hair color, which threw me for a loop when I spotted her at the airport.

Now we were at the kitchen table, drinking eggnog that Mom had spiked with rum, and I could feel the warmth settle in my belly. She had pulled out a deck of cards, which was something we always did together. We’d play war or rummy or go fish when I was younger, and now it just felt nostalgic to do so.

We spent the last couple of days getting over our awkwardness and finally talking about everything. She confessed to always struggling with her self-esteem and in turn choosing horrible men. I told her about Stewart and how I recognized my father in him in a lot of ways.

It actually felt good to be here. Mom had finally built a nice little life for herself. She had a decent office job, good friends, and was even taking yoga classes. To my utter surprise, she had kicked out her last boyfriend and was now slowly getting to know a man she claimed was far better for her. Different, she’d explained as she shuffled the cards.

“Different how?” I asked.

She shrugged, looking much more comfortable in her own skin than I’d ever seen her before. Even got rid of the platinum blonde and went back to her dark-brown roots because it pleased her, not the men she was dating. “I got to know Larry first. We became friends and…I guess you can say I saw his heart.”

My own chest clenched in response. “That’s really amazing, Mom. Maybe I’ll meet him someday.”

“Definitely,” she replied with a wink. I could tell she felt confident in her decision. “But not this trip because I’m taking things slow. Besides, I just wanted to spend the holiday with you.”

Her words struck me hard as I recalled all the men I had been so blatantly introduced to over the years. All the guys who tried to immediately assume the stepdad role when they hadn’t ever gotten to know me first.

After we played a round of war, and I ignored a Merry Christmas text from Stewart, I told her about the dog-grooming business and my side job boarding dogs for extra money. When I described how sweet Ginger was, she got teary-eyed because her Maltese had died only three months prior.

“Remember Kam?” I asked, slowly working up the nerve. It had been difficult to get that last night together out of my head. His lips, his tongue, the sexy sounds he made…

Mom smiled. “Of course. Such a nice family, and he was a good friend, especially during—” She turned away, guilt visible in her eyes even though she’d relinquished her relationship with my father years ago. But shame went a long way. Look at Nick and how much he’d carried for so long. When Brin finally confided in me about Nick’s past—with his permission, of course—so many things started to make sense about his time as my roommate.

“Does Kam still own the bike shop?” Mom asked, trying for a lighter subject.

I explained in detail about his accident as she clutched her chest. “His mom must’ve been so worried.”

I nodded. “I’ve been helping her…take care of him. I’ve spent practically every night there for the past few weeks.”

When something seemed to catch in my throat on those last words, she squeezed my hand across the table. “You have feelings for him,” she stated with widened eyes.

I dipped my head as heat climbed my neck. “I think…I’ve fallen for him.”

She grinned. “Does he feel the same way?”

“I…I dunno,” I admitted, my heart pounding. What if all he felt was attraction and not anything deeper? But then I thought about how he looked at me the last night we were together. How his eyes held so many emotions.

“What do you feel in your gut?” she asked, and when my eyes met hers, she winked. “If I need to start listening to my gut, so do you.”

She was right of course. My gut was screaming at me lately. Screaming that Kam had been hiding in plain sight all this time. But life didn’t always take you on a straight path, that was for sure. It was full of twists and turns, making you miss the obvious. Or maybe more like making you appreciate the obvious. Had I not gone through all those way-too-wrong-for-me men, where I was only accepting the mediocre at best, maybe I would’ve never allowed myself to see how amazing Kam was all along. I just hoped his intuition was telling him the same thing.

Later that night in bed, after we played more rounds of rummy and stuffed ourselves with leftover pie, I picked up my cell and scrolled to Kam’s name.

How’s Ginger?

She’s great. I may never give her back.

A huge smile stretched across my lips. I imagined the two of them hunkering down in his soft sheets without me, and my stomach clenched with pure longing. It was a picture of perfection I desperately wanted to be part of. For as long as he’d let me.

Maybe we can share her.

Sounds perfect.

My heart fluttered in response. I didn’t want to hang on Kam’s every damn word this week, but it was a struggle not to. The last time I saw him, we had said more with our lips and hands than with our words, and I certainly didn’t want to jump to any conclusions about what he was thinking.

I could feel the affection in his eyes and the desire in his lips, but kisses weren’t promises. I’d had such a skewed view of what love really meant that I needed to take a moment to realize my own worth, just like Mom was beginning to do.

I knew what I wanted; but I could no longer afford to reach for it blindly. Nor fold myself into someone else’s life. I needed surer footing, even if that meant being by myself for a while. Besides, someone like Kam would expect it of me, so I should definitely demand it of myself first.

See you in a couple of days, I replied, then stared at the ceiling for a good long while and asked myself some hard truths.