Cable
THE DOC HAD on another one of those loud, ugly Hawaiian shirts, and as soon as I hit the door of his office, he asked me if I’d rather spend my session with him today out on the beach instead of on his couch. He mentioned having early morning appointments and missing his chance to catch a few waves today. I knew he was more beach bum than certified medical professional, so I readily agreed. It was a short walk from his building to the shore, and once we were there, he immediately kicked off his flip-flops and sank his toes into the sand with a sigh. I took a seat next to him and let the warmth of the sand sink into my skin.
“I love the water. That’s why I moved down here from Dallas after my divorce.” He looked at me, but he had on a pair of dark Ray-Bans so I couldn’t read his expression. “Why did you decide to come here when you got out of the program? Your relationship with your father is questionable, at best, and from the bits and pieces I’ve gathered, this place doesn’t hold the best memories for you.”
I pulled out a smoke and lit the tip as I contemplated his question. “I love the water, too. I’ve always been drawn to it, and I didn’t think anyone would bother to look for me down here when I got out of jail. I wanted to be left alone.”
He nudged me with his elbow and asked me if he could bum a cigarette. I’d never seen him light up and he never smelled like cigarettes, so I was surprised, but relinquished one without a fight. He made a noise of pleasure as he inhaled a toxic breath and turned his head back to the water. “How do you feel about this summer since you haven’t had a chance to experience the solitude you were after?”
I grunted and flicked ash on the sand. “I dunno, I guess it made me realize I was never as alone as I thought. My mom is all over my ass, Affton doesn’t let me get away with shit, and Miglena . . .” I trailed off and tried to put in order how I thought about the woman who had always been there in the background of my upbringing. “She’s always done her best to let me know someone who cares is around. I only saw her in the summertime, and I always knew something was up with her and my dad, but when it ended between them, she still seemed to care. I guess I realized this summer it wasn’t an act. She does care, and being alone with my asshole thoughts and dickhead brain isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. It’s good to hear what other people have to say because the shit I tell myself is what gets me into trouble.”
He took a long drag on his cigarette and reached up to push his sunglasses onto the top of his head. “Did you ever stop and wonder why your brain has the tendency to be a dickhead, Cable?”
I shrugged and reached behind my head so I could pull my t-shirt off. I tucked it into the waistband of my jeans and tilted my head back, so the sun touched my face. “My dad is an asshole, and I look just like him, so I assume I inherited some of his assholishness as well. My mom is a control freak, and both have more money than God. I never wanted for anything, and I grew up knowing that the basic rules and regulations didn’t apply to me. I was treated special, even though I never did anything to earn anyone’s praise or approval. I’ve always been an entitled little shit, but I’ve never done anything with it to help anyone else or make the world a better place. I always figured my brain knew I didn’t deserve anyone else’s respect, and it took every opportunity to remind me just how worthless I really am.” It was easy to give him all of that with the sun shining on my face and the sound of the waves blocking out the noise of my racing heart.
The doc made a considering noise in his throat as he continued to puff on the cigarette. “You’re young. Maybe you haven’t found your purpose and place yet. It’s a lot to operate under the assumption that just because you were born privileged that you would automatically have a cause or passion to champion. You had to grow up, Cable, and that always comes with success and failure. Not even the wealthy are immune to the downs that often follow the ups. Typically, they’re just better at hiding it than the rest of us. Money can’t fix everything, kiddo.”
He was right about that. It had never been able to fix me, and it hadn’t done a damn thing to save Jenna.
“Money isn’t the problem, Doc. Even without it, there are days when I can’t get out of bed. There are moments when all I want to do is walk into that water until it covers me up and sweeps me away. I drift. I’ve always drifted. That’s how I ended up an addict. Even when I felt shitty when I was coming down, I still felt something. I wasn’t numb like I am when I’m sober.” Affton was the closest thing I’d ever found to an anchor. She was the only thing that made me want to have my feet touching the ground more often than not.
The doc flicked his cigarette out in front of us and crossed his arms over his bent knees.
“That’s why I asked if you ever wondered why you feel that way. You’re smart despite your choices, Cable. You should recognize that feeling that disconnected from the people who care about you and not being able to process how your actions will ultimately affect others isn’t how our minds typically operate. You’ve been living your life as if your only option is to be this way when that very well might not be the case. You may have some crossed wires or a chemical imbalance. That’s not out of the ordinary and has nothing to do with how you were raised or the benefits you were born with. A little tune-up and commitment to using therapy to address your issues might make a world of difference. That drifting you feel would lessen, but you would learn how to deal with the weight of your choices. That kind of accountability would be good for you, my friend.”
I made a face and finished my cigarette. “Seriously? You think giving the recovering addict drugs is a solution?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “I think there are options that might help you. Are you ready for any of that yet?” He shrugged. “Hard to tell, because you aren’t honest with me and I don’t think you’re honest with yourself most of the time. I do know that you do not have to live the way you’ve been living. I do know that you don’t have to risk your life and the hearts of the people who love you if you choose not to.” He sighed and laid back on the sand. He folded his hands over his stomach and closed his eyes. “Where was your pretty little companion today? She usually hangs around waiting for you.”
I bristled when he called her pretty again. “She had an errand to run. She’s not my companion; she’s my . . .” I paused for a second, not sure what Affton was, but I knew she was sure as hell more important to me than a companion. “Friend. She’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had, actually.”
It was true. She was my best friend, on top of being the best sex I’d ever had. She was up for whatever I brought to her. She had a dynamite body, one I now knew inside and out. It was more than the fact that I was the only one who had ever touched her, tasted her, filled her up, and made her scream. That made me dizzy with delight every time I thought about it, but what really got me was that both my body and my mind were invested every single time we were together. I wasn’t fucking to forget. I was fucking to make memories. I wanted to remember every sigh, every gasp, every groan, and every single sound she made in between. I wanted the way her eyes turned amethyst when she came burned into my brain and the way she tightened and pulsed around me, only me, etched across my soul.
I leaned back on my elbows and squinted up at the sky. “I told her about the accident the other night.” I’d pulled her into the darkest places I had inside of me, and she still fell asleep next to me that night. She still held onto me and encouraged me to do better, to be better. She didn’t give up on me and even showed me that she had a little bit of the dark inside of her as well.
“That’s good. How do you feel now that you found someone you trust enough to share all the details of what happened that night?” He sounded sleepy, but when I looked over at him, I could see that he was listening intently. The guy was good. He took me somewhere I was comfortable, somewhere that calmed me down, and got me to spill my guts. I hated his office and how out of place he looked in it. He fit in here on the beach, and it was so much easier to open up to a beach bum than it was to a shrink in an ugly shirt. He manipulated the master manipulator, and I had to respect him for that.
I chuckled a little. “Well, I didn’t have a panic attack if that’s what you're worried about.” That was probably because I’d just come harder than I ever had in my entire life and she was still naked and draped over me. “We were both pretty vulnerable at the time. She made it easy to spill my guts.” Because I did trust her even when everything inside of me rebelled at the idea.
He made another noise and peeled an eye open. “I can’t say I’m surprised the dynamic between the two of you shifted into something intimate. There is obvious affection between you and you’re both exceptionally attractive individuals.”
I scowled at him and bit out, “Stop talking about how she looks. It weirds me out, and I still don’t think it’s ethical . . . or appropriate.”
He laughed and flashed his teeth at me. “I was wondering when those protective instincts were going to show back up. You showed them before when I first brought up her appearance, and it made you obviously uncomfortable. I’ve been wondering if it was a fluke or not. I’m glad that you not only trust her enough to share with her, but care about her enough to defend her as well. Those are normal responses when you care deeply for someone, Cable. You are doing it exactly right. Have you two talked about what all of this means when the summer is over? You’re well on your way to getting control of your finances back, and I’m sure Affton has plans for her future. She strikes me as a determined and bright young woman.”
We didn’t talk about it. It was an elephant in the room that gained weight every day. We also didn’t talk about how she was still reporting back to my mom every couple of days on my progress or the way she felt about taking money for keeping an eye on me now that she spent pretty much every night in my bed. There was a lot we were avoiding, and it was much easier to have endless amounts of sex and slip deeper into whatever it was that we were building between us than it was to try and tackle all the obstacles that were standing in our way.
“She’s going to Berkeley. She wants to be a shrink. Her mom died when she was little from an overdose, and she wants to stop that from happening to any other little kid who might have a parent in trouble. She’s got a huge heart.” So big there was no way she could hold onto the entire thing by herself. Eventually, she was going to have to let someone else help her carry the weight of it around.
“Ahhh . . . no wonder she’s so understanding and sympathetic toward you. She has first-hand knowledge of how hard it can be to love someone struggling with an addiction. She seems to be a special kind of girl, Cable. I suggest you do your best not to mess things up.” He closed his eyes again. “Put in the effort, kid. You won’t regret it.”
I pulled out another smoke and stuck it between my lips without lighting it. I narrowed my eyes against the glare off the water and watched as tourists jumped around in the gently rolling waves that hit the shore. “I don’t want to mess it up, but I will. That’s the way I work.” I’d never wanted not to screw something up as badly as this thing with Affton, but I would, and even in knowing that, I still had no desire to leave her alone. I told her I was going to ruin her and she ignored the warning.
“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Either way, you are human and are having a human experience. You are present for it. You are embracing it. What you aren’t doing is drifting.” He sighed again. “And as I mentioned, there are options out there. If you want to get serious about making positive changes for your long-term health and well-being, you let me know. I’d like to see you go from recovering to recovered, Cable. I’d like to see you succeed.”
I lit my cigarette and puffed on it silently for a few minutes. My hands were covered in sand when I pushed myself back into a sitting position. I brushed them off and fished my cell phone out of my back pocket. I had a missed call from Affton and two from my mom. I really needed to get my head out of my ass and call my mom back; it’d been months since I had spoken to her . . . I’d been content to let Affton do my talking for me. The woman had to be losing her patience, and I didn’t want her showing up unannounced. I really didn’t want her to walk in on something she shouldn’t because that would affect Affton.
“We have ten minutes left. You got any other words of wisdom for me or can I call my girl back and have her pick me up?”
The doc peeled his eyes open and gave me a grin. “You can take off if you want. I’m going to enjoy the sun until my next appointment. Afraid she’s not a fan of fresh air and sunshine.”
I barked out a dry laugh at that and rose to my feet. I had sand in my shoes that I needed to shake out, but I would take that over the beige walls any day. “Any time you want a chance to take a patient out of the office, I’m your guy.” I stretched my arms up over my head. “And if you ever want to do a session on the water, I’m down for that, too. I’m a much better surfer than I am a patient.”
He dipped his chin in acknowledgment. “We might have to try that. Surfing therapy. I could get on board with that, literally. I’ll see you next week, Cable. Think about what we talked about today. Talk it over with your girl and maybe your mom. Get some other opinions and do some research, but remember that the choice is ultimately yours. You can keep going on the way you are, or you can see about making some changes. Either way, you have people in your life who will love and support you.”
I muttered goodbye and made my way back to his office building. Affton’s battered, old car was already parked out front, and she was pacing back and forth in a very agitated manner. She was tugging at her bottom lip so hard I was worried she might rip the damn thing off her face. She was also mumbling under her breath. She was so caught up in her fit that she didn’t respond when I called her name and didn’t stop moving until I was close enough to catch her shoulders in my hands. When I pulled her to a stop and asked ‘what’s wrong?’ she immediately started shivering, and that lip she was yanking on trembled making me think she was about to cry.
“Do you know someone named Trip Wilson?” She leaned back on the trunk of her car and stared up at me with wide, imploring eyes.
“Yeah. We went to school with him. He was a few years older though. His parents bought the Loveless Gazette when they came to town. Trip considers himself a big shot reporter. He’s been on my case about the night of the accident ever since I got locked up. He wants an exclusive or some garbage like that. I’ve refused to talk to him, but that hasn’t kept him from calling and being a pain in the ass. Why?”
She leaned forward until her forehead was pressed against my throat. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders as both of hers went around my waist. Her hands locked at the small of my back as her entire body shivered. “I ran into him at the grocery store. Well, he ran into me. He bumped his cart into mine and then started talking about you. He knows you’re here, Cable. He also knows more about that night than he should. He knows you weren’t driving. He knows you took the blame to cover up Jenna’s involvement.”
I swore long and loud over the top of her head. My hands tightened convulsively on the back of her head and curled into fists in her hair. “How could he know any of that? You’re the only one I told.”
She shook her head against my neck, and her hands curled into the fabric of my t-shirt. “I don’t know, Cable, but he knows. He was talking about justice and small-town politics. He mentioned not letting the Maleys manipulate the system to protect their daughter’s image. He was intense, and he didn’t seem to care when I told him you just want to move on with your life, that what’s done is done.”
“Fuck me.” I didn’t want to deal with Wilson, and I wanted to deal with the fallout of whatever he was planning on doing with that information even less. This was exactly why I didn’t want to go back to Loveless.
She pulled her head back and lifted her lips in a wobbly grin. “Okay, but I don’t think that will solve the problem.”
Her sassy response startled a laugh out of me, and I couldn’t resist dropping a kiss on her trembling lips. “No, it won’t, but it’s a surefire way to make me forget about the problem for a little bit. Let’s get the groceries home and distract each other for as long as it takes to help me forget.”
She blew out a breath and let me take her hand. “We can’t avoid dealing with all the hard things forever.”
She was right, we couldn’t. But we couldn’t fix them either, so we might as well focus on the hard thing that was currently between us. That one we could definitely deal with, and the solution was a no-brainer.