As long as the day had been, and as exhausted as she was from driving so far while trying to keep her kids happy and entertained, Savanna lay awake. Alia slept beside her and Branson slept alone in the other double, since he’d recently started wetting the bed. Fortunately, what Gavin had told her turned out to be true. The Mission Inn was a decent motel, as good or better than any in Nephi. So she wasn’t uncomfortable, just filled with restless anxiety. Relocating had been such a big decision. She’d taken her children away from everything and everyone they’d known so far. Now that she was back in California, she could only hope she’d made the right decision—for all of them.
The fact that she hadn’t even known she’d have to cross a bridge to get to the house where they’d be living told her there would be other surprises. Would she be able to handle them?
She hoped so, but Gordon’s betrayal had left her shaken. She’d never felt this unsure of the future. He’d essentially burned down her whole life.
One day at a time. She had to live in the moment.
But this moment would lead to the next moment, which meant the sun would soon rise, and she wasn’t prepared for the day. Her new neighbor hadn’t made any specific plans with her when he dropped her off, hadn’t given her a set time when he’d pick her up. He’d simply said, “See you tomorrow.” Had she offended him when she made that boys ranch comment? Would Gavin really come back? Or would she have to find someone else to help her cross the creek so that she could move in?
She needed to get some sleep or she wouldn’t be able to cope. But the glowing numerals on the alarm clock between the beds mocked her reluctance to see the minutes pass. She turned the clock away and accidentally knocked her phone to the floor.
As she checked to make sure it was still charging—she didn’t want to go another day without the conveniences it provided—she saw that her mother-in-law had sent her another hateful text, which must’ve come in while her phone was dead.
How can you fire Gordon’s attorneys? Do you know what kind of defense he’ll get from a public defender? NO defense! Are you TRYING to send him to prison for the rest of his life?
Supposedly, Dorothy was no longer drinking. But even if that were true, Gordon’s mother had cleaned up her act so late in life that she had no net worth. She eked out a living by working at a large discount store, but, as usual, she had nothing to give her son. She expected Savanna to use what she had left from her parents’ estate to provide Gordon with the best attorneys possible.
Frowning, Savanna scrolled up and read several of the other texts her mother-in-law had sent over the past several weeks. She hadn’t answered any of them, nor had she picked up Dorothy’s calls. She knew Gordon’s mother was trying to use guilt to manipulate her. But it never ceased to amaze Savanna that Dorothy could think she was the one to let Gordon down. He’d let her down, in the worst possible way, but only after his own mother had screwed up his childhood.
You’ve filed for divorce? Gordon hasn’t even been in jail a week. I should beat your no-good ass. If this is all the faith you have in him, he’s better off without you.
Savanna wasn’t sure he was better off without her, but she was convinced of the opposite.
Why won’t you pick up? How is avoiding me going to help the situation? You have my grandkids, for God’s sake! I have a right to see them.
Except she’d never shown any interest in Branson and Alia before. She’d brought them a bag of candy occasionally when she’d come for dinner, but that had been the extent of her involvement in their lives. Savanna would never forget how upset Branson had been when his grandmother told him she’d attend his school play and then stood them up, calling two days later with some lame excuse that didn’t even make sense.
How can you pretend to be a loving wife when you abandon Gordon so easily? He’s always worshipped the ground you walk on, been a good husband and father, and you do this?
Was he being a good husband and father when he was out stalking women—attacking and raping them? How could Dorothy make such a ludicrous statement?
But that was Dorothy. She never troubled herself much with reality.
He would never have abandoned you in your hour of need. He would’ve believed in you and fought for you until the end—and you should be doing the same for him.
The police had found Theresa Spinnaker’s blood in their van! Was Dorothy completely delusional?
You coward! You won’t be able to avoid me forever.
Dorothy had driven down from Salt Lake after that message, but Savanna had refused to let her in. When she’d started cursing and kicking the door, Savanna had called the police, who’d escorted Dorothy off the property. That was the night Savanna had received the worst text of all.
Gordon’s going to kill you when he gets out.
Savanna always shivered when she read those words. The only thing that made them bearable was the fact that she didn’t think Dorothy meant them literally.
Forcing herself to put down her phone, she slid Alia over—Savanna could barely move, was already feeling claustrophobic simply by circumstance—and tried, once again, to go to sleep.
* * *
The motel had a free breakfast, so Savanna was able to feed her kids the following morning, but she still wasn’t sure Gavin would show up. At ten, she hadn’t heard from him. He hadn’t even asked for her cell number last night.
Was she on her own?
She could only assume she was. She was trying to figure out the best way to hire some help and get back to her new place—would a Craigslist ad work in such a small town?—when the phone in her room rang.
She thought it might be the motel manager. She’d asked for a late checkout in case she needed the extra time, but the caller turned out to be Gavin.
“You had breakfast yet?” he asked.
“We have,” she replied.
“Then are you ready to go?”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “We are.”
“Great. I bought the lumber for the bridge and brushed up on a few how-to videos. We should be all set.”
So that was why he hadn’t come sooner. He’d been shopping. She could tell he was joking about the YouTube stuff. But she was so happy to hear from him she had no comeback, just sincere gratitude. “Wow. That’s nice of you. I was afraid... I was afraid maybe you’d changed your mind about being so neighborly.”
“I wouldn’t leave you stranded. I would’ve called earlier, but since I had to go to Santa Barbara to get the wood, I thought I’d let you sleep.”
“Kids at this age don’t sleep late.” Most of them didn’t wet the bed, either, but poor Branson had had another accident last night. Fortunately, she’d put a plastic tablecloth under the sheets so she wouldn’t have to worry that he might ruin the mattress. But she felt bad for him. She knew he was embarrassed and hated that her son was struggling so much as a result of his life being turned upside down. “Still, thank you. I appreciate the thought.”
“No problem. I’m outside, so whenever you’re ready.”
She disconnected, called the front desk to let them know they could have the room and gathered the few items she’d brought with them, which she shoved into the school backpack she’d borrowed from Branson. “Gavin’s here. Let’s go,” she told the kids, and ushered them out the first-floor motel room to find their new neighbor sitting in the lot with the engine idling.
“I didn’t know your truck was blue!” Branson said as he got in the back seat. “It looked black last night.”
“Of course it’s blue,” Gavin said. “Is there any better color?”
Branson beamed as he scooted over to make room for his sister. “No.”
“Do you have some more soda?” Alia asked.
He smiled at her in the review mirror. “At the house I do.”
Savanna eyed the lumber that filled the bed of Gavin’s truck while putting the backpack between her kids. “That’s a lot of wood,” she said as she climbed in front.
“A big part of the old bridge is lying around on the property, but it’s so rotted there’s really nothing we can salvage from it, so...I think we’re going to need to start from scratch.”
“Of course,” she muttered with a sigh. Nothing could be easy, although now that she could see the town in full daylight, she was encouraged. Nephi looked sad and depressed by comparison. In Silver Springs she could easily find evidence of the wealth and affluence that was so prevalent in parts of LA. Tasteful murals covered several of the buildings downtown. There were no empty or run-down businesses—and something else was different. It took her a moment to realize what, but after they drove a few blocks, she said, “There are no chains here!”
“Chains?” Gavin echoed.
“You know, businesses. McDonald’s. Best Western.”
“Oh, right. Chain stores aren’t allowed. The town promotes small business.”
“I’ve never heard of a town taking such a stand.”
He grinned. “Welcome to California.”
The cost of living would be greater here if she couldn’t run to a box store every time she needed groceries or school supplies for the kids, but she thought it was a sacrifice worth making. She was looking forward to coming back and exploring, to walking into a store without fear of being recognized and reviled...
She studied a secondhand store that appeared to be particularly well run. Maybe she could find a few things for the house there to help her get by... “This place has a strong Southwest flavor,” she said.
“There’s a lot of Spanish Revival architecture,” Gavin agreed.
“Like the motel where we stayed—with its white walls, red tile roof and bell tower.”
“Is that a positive thing or a negative thing, in your mind?” he asked.
“I like it. It’s clean and well maintained—not nearly as run-down as parts of Nephi.”
“Look! There’re ducks in that park!” Branson exclaimed, pointing out the window.
Savanna craned her neck to see. “I’ll have to take you there sometime.”
“Me, too!” Alia chimed in.
“Of course. I’ll take you both.” She gestured to the right. “What’s the name of the mountains that surround us?” The valley was so narrow, barely four or five miles across.
“The Topatopa Mountains. They’re part of the Los Padres National Forest.”
“Does it snow here, Mommy?” Alia asked.
Savanna looked to Gavin. She hadn’t even thought to check.
“Not in town. The temperature’s pretty mild year-round, but you will see some white caps on the highest mountain peaks in winter.”
The buildings gave way to citrus orchards and small farms as they drove down the valley. After about ten minutes, he turned onto the narrow road leading to where she and her children would soon live—the road she’d had such difficulty finding in the dark last night without the GPS on her phone.
“Now I’ll get to lay eyes on this creek I’ve been hearing about,” she said.
Gavin had backed her moving van into a wide spot in the road near the turnoff so they’d be able to get past it. As soon as he parked, they all piled out. The kids began to run and play while she remained at Gavin’s side.
The creek, only about twenty feet from where she’d stopped last night, was much wider than Savanna had anticipated. “Wow. Lucky for me you were sitting outside when I arrived.”
“You didn’t seem to be slowing down,” he admitted.
“I would’ve barreled right into this.” The current wasn’t strong enough to carry off a truck. Nor was the water high enough that they would’ve risked drowning. But they would’ve gotten stuck in the mud. And she had no idea how she would’ve pulled the U-Haul out, especially late on a Friday evening, in the country. No doubt the right kind of tow—and any damage she caused the van—would’ve cost a small fortune.
“I guess you owe me,” he teased.
She froze in surprise. Owed him what? Was he flirting with her?
Her eyes flew to his face. She didn’t want to be unfair, didn’t want him to go to a lot of work thinking she might be willing to get involved with him. “I’ll pay you,” she said.
He gave her a funny look. “For saving you from driving into the creek?”
“For your time today.” She checked her kids to make sure they weren’t wandering too far. They were getting muddy, but they were having such a great time searching for tadpoles she didn’t call them back. They deserved some carefree fun after the upset of the past few months. “I don’t expect anyone to work for free.”
He shrugged. “I don’t mind helping out a neighbor.”
She tried to let the subject go but couldn’t stop herself from speaking up again. “Would you be helping me this much if I were a man?”
He responded without hesitation. “A man with two kids, who was recently divorced and moving in next door? Of course.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he hadn’t been flirting with her. Maybe he was what he seemed to be—a really nice neighbor. It’d been so long since she’d been single and in a situation where a man might hit on her, she could have misinterpreted his behavior. “Okay, but...I need to let you know that I’ve been through something extremely difficult, and...and I’m still not over it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. So don’t do anything for me because...because you might be...you know, looking for female companionship. I’m not an option.”
He looked surprised. “Whoa. Where did that come from?”
Branson and Alia had taken off their shoes and socks and were wading ankle-deep in the shallow, slow-moving creek. They weren’t paying attention to the conversation, but she lowered her voice all the same. “I’m sorry. I’d hate for you to think I’m being rude, but I’d feel worse if you were ever to believe that I tried to take advantage of your kindness. I’d rather be clear on where I stand from the beginning. You need to charge me—for the wood, which I’ll reimburse you for before you leave today, and the labor. I’ll pay you a fair price for everything, even the ride last night.”
He went to his truck and got a pair of leather gloves from under the seat. “I appreciate your honesty, but I’m not going to let you pay me for the ride, and I have a few hours I can contribute to helping so that you can move in today. You won’t owe me anything beyond what I spent this morning.”
“Are you sure?”
He looked slightly confused as he pulled on those gloves. “Will you answer one question for me?”
“What is it?”
“Does this immediate stiff-arm have anything to do with my boys ranch history? Because we’ve barely met, and yet you’re already telling me you don’t want to get involved. I admit I find you attractive. Really attractive—”
“I have two kids,” she broke in, as if that should’ve been a deal breaker.
“I’ve met them,” he said with a wink. “I like kids. They don’t have to be mine. But I feel like you might be lumping me into the same category as your ex-husband simply because we both ran into a spot of trouble in our teenage years.”
He was far more up front than anyone she’d ever encountered. Taken aback by his frank honesty, she struggled to find an appropriate response and wound up focusing on what concerned her most. That “spot of trouble” he’d mentioned might not be a small thing. Gordon’s behavioral difficulties from the same period—his truancy, lying, stealing and general belligerence—had revealed that something was wrong, and it was never fixed, or he would not have done what he’d done later in life. He’d merely learned how to hide his worst self so that he could meld into society.
Still, she didn’t know Gavin, didn’t know if his behavior had been worse or better than Gordon’s when they were young, and owed him the benefit of the doubt. Not every boy who attended a boys ranch turned out to be a violent criminal. “I appreciate the compliment. I do. After what I’ve been through, any kind word feels good. And I’m sorry about what I said regarding the boys ranch last night. Your past has nothing to do with anything.”
“Then you’re just not into me.”
He said that with a twinkle in his eye, as if he was man enough to take no, if that was her answer. This had to be the most emotionally brave individual she’d ever met. She couldn’t help admiring his self-confidence. Gordon would never have risked his ego that way. “It’s not you specifically. I’m done with men. All men. I wish I’d never gotten involved with the one I married.”
He peered at her closer. “Certainly you’ve had other males in your life, besides your ex, who haven’t been that bad.”
“If you count my father and brothers. But that’s about the limit of my experience. I never had a steady boyfriend before Gordon. I met him my first day of college and got pregnant eighteen months later, at which point we both dropped out of school to get married.”
“And the marriage lasted...”
“Until two months ago.” She hadn’t officially filed at that time, but that was when she’d first begun to doubt Gordon’s innocence, which was the point of the real rift.
“Which makes you...what? Twenty-nine?”
“In two weeks.” She assumed they were similar in age. From his appearance, he couldn’t be much older.
“That’s young to be so jaded.”
“I can’t help it.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“For...”
“Whatever he did.”
Apparently her kids had given up trying to find tadpoles. They were now scrounging around for rocks they could try to skip across the water. “So am I, especially for Branson and Alia.”
He moved to the back of the truck and lowered the tailgate. “I understand that you’ve been burned recently, but swearing off men completely seems a bit extreme. Surely you’ll recover at some point.”
“No. Never,” she insisted.
He started to slide out the two-by-twelves. “Never’s a long time. Won’t you get lonely?”
“Probably.”
“What will you do then?”
She drew a deep breath as she considered the question. It wasn’t realistic to think she wouldn’t crave some kind of companionship in the future. “Maybe I’ll become a lesbian.”
A grin tugged at his lips. She could tell he didn’t know whether to take her seriously. “Is that a joke?”
“No,” she said. Although this wasn’t an option she’d ever considered before, it did seem to solve the problem. She’d never heard of a woman raping anyone. Sure, that had probably happened somewhere in the world at one time or another, but the odds of encountering such an anomaly had to be small.
“You can’t judge all men by the actions of one,” he said.
He’d made that point before, but she was too traumatized to be so fair. “No, but I can take precautions.”
“Like changing your sexuality.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a pretty big deal. Please tell me you’re bi at least.”
“Not yet. But I’m hoping I’ll be able to change. I’m willing to try. I mean, I’ve already got kids, so I don’t need a man in order to have a family. And settling down with a sweet, harmless woman who will be happy to help me cook and clean and raise children—what could be better than that?”
As he carried two of the boards to a staging area near the moorings of the old bridge, she tried not to admire him in those jeans. He had one heck of a nice butt. She had to admit that much, despite her plans for a man-less future.
“I see your point,” he said when he returned. “A sweet, harmless woman who cooks and cleans has her merits. But not all women are harmless.”
She moved to get a two-by-twelve herself. But he was the one with the gloves. He waved her back, out of the way. “I got this.”
“The woman I find will be so passive and supportive she’ll barely say a word,” she told him. “I might even include that in my dating profile. ‘Seeking mild-mannered lesbian who loves children and books and abhors any kind of violence.’”
He laughed outright.
“What?”
“Why don’t you just advertise for a roommate? That might turn out to be a better fit.”
“No. Roommates come and go. I think I’ll stick with a same-sex relationship, so there’s a commitment involved, but add a line to my dating profile that says something like, ‘low libido a must,’ since I’m not sure I can please a woman in that way—or sleep with her in the first place.”
He laughed even harder. “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out.”
“Not until this moment.” She tapped her temple with one finger. “But it’s becoming clear.”
He returned to the truck for another load. “Won’t you miss having a man in your bed?”
At this moment, it didn’t seem like it. She shuddered whenever she thought of Gordon’s hands on her body. Knowing she’d been intimate with someone like that, someone so cruel, angry, selfish and deceitful, turned her stomach. And, in retrospect, some of the things he did—the way he liked to put his hands around her neck when they were making love—freaked her out. Had he been thinking about strangling her when he was moaning above her? Had such dark fantasies increased his pleasure?
Probably, given the type of person he’d turned out to be.
On the other hand, it was a man’s body that excited her. She’d never been aroused by any woman...
When she didn’t answer, Gavin looked up at her. “You’re thinking about it...”
“I’m thinking about passion.”
“Passion,” he repeated.
“Yes. The kind they portray in the movies. If that were real, men would be much harder to give up. But...”
“Wait—you’ve never felt that kind of desire? Not even when your relationship with your ex was new?”
“Maybe,” she admitted. But those feelings had faded fast. Toward the end, sex was more of a chore, something she simply tried to get through. Maybe that was why she felt she might be partially responsible for what Gordon did. She’d tried to hide her apathy, to summon some enthusiasm, but the possibility existed that she hadn’t done a very good job of faking it. “Right now that seems so long ago. Even if it was that way once, it didn’t last.”
He whistled. “Your husband must’ve sucked in bed.”
Gordon had sucked at being a good husband in other ways—maybe that was why she’d lost interest in the first place. It seemed as though she’d always been trying to ignore some frustration or inadequacy when he hit her up for sex. She’d never turned him down, but maybe acquiescence wasn’t enough. “I wouldn’t know about that. I don’t have anything to compare him against.”
“Then you’re giving up too soon.”
“Better safe than sorry,” she grumbled.
“Even if you’re missing out?”
She checked her kids again. Still happily occupied. “Lesbians have dildos and stuff. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
He lifted another load of lumber. “Okay, but if you get tired of pretending, feel free to give me a call. I like it soft and gentle, and I won’t get in the way of your search for a lesbian partner.”
Savanna’s jaw dropped, but when he winked at her and carried the last couple of two-by-twelves to his staging area, she was pretty sure he was just trying to shock her.