When Savanna didn’t return to her seat, Gavin grew worried about her. He took a break earlier than usual in his set so he could look for her and finally found her sitting on a bench out front. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
She glanced up. “Aren’t you supposed to be singing?”
“I’m on break.” He sat down next to her. “Don’t you like the show?”
She sent him a sideways glance. “I did until a few minutes ago.”
“What does that mean?” He looked truly confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
His stomach muscles tightened at the accusation and hurt in her voice. “About...”
“Your stepmother. Did she really abandon you at a park?”
Only a few hours ago, when they were driving to the bar, she’d been completely unaware. “Who told you?”
“You haven’t seen Heather tonight?”
He stiffened. “No...”
“She’s here. Or maybe she left. I haven’t been keeping an eye on the door. I’ve been trying to think, to decide if I’m racing toward a brick wall by falling in love with you.”
Gavin couldn’t help looking around in case he could spot his ex-girlfriend. Small clumps of people stood outside to talk or smoke, but she didn’t seem to be among them. That she’d shown up at his gig and upset Savanna made him angry, and yet he wasn’t all that surprised. He was more surprised that he hadn’t heard from her the past several days. He’d texted her on Wednesday to see how she was feeling and to tell her he’d be willing to go to her doctor appointments with her, if she needed the company, but she hadn’t responded. He suspected she was purposely holding out, hoping he’d stop over. He probably would have, to prove he’d be supportive even if they weren’t together, but he’d been loath to walk into an emotional ambush, and he was pretty sure that was what she had waiting for him.
“Savanna, I would’ve told you eventually,” he said. “But I don’t discuss my past often. I try not to let what happened impact the present.”
“How could a past like that not impact the present?” she asked.
“My life is different now. Thanks to Aiyana and Eli and most of my other brothers, I’m whole and happy. I refuse to let what I went through as a child damage my ability to find peace and joy in my existence.”
“Is that a decision you—or anyone else—can make?”
“It’s more of a process than a decision,” he admitted. “But I’ve been wrestling with my demons for years, and I believe I’m winning the battle.”
“Heather told me that you’ll go back to her once she has the baby. That you won’t be able to do anything else. And the more I get to know you, the more I understand who you are, I could see you making that decision. So...I’m not sure I can come out of this in one piece, no matter how supportive I am of your relationship with the baby.”
“I already tried to start over with Heather for the sake of the baby, remember? But it didn’t go anywhere, couldn’t even get off the ground, because it was too late.”
“In what way?” she asked. “The baby isn’t even born yet.”
He stared at her for several seconds. He’d been asking himself that same question over and over. Why hadn’t he been able to fulfill the duty he felt? And he always came back to the same answer. “I’d met you and was already falling in love.”
Her lips parted and her eyes widened. “That fast?”
“I think it happened the day I met you and you told me you were going to become a lesbian,” he said with a laugh. “So what do you think? We’re both going through some crazy shit. But if I hand over my heart, will you be willing to trust me with yours?”
She broke into a slightly begrudging smile. “I guess I’ve been sitting out here for nothing, because I don’t really have any choice.”
“You do have a choice.”
“No, because I’m already in love with you.”
The tension and anxiety inside him instantly eased. “I’ve made the right decision, Savanna. You’re a beautiful person, nothing like my stepmother was. That’s what will make the difference. If Heather is carrying my baby, we’ll both be good to him or her.”
“Of course we will,” she said.
He loved her earnestness, her transparency, her lack of guile. Those were the things that set her apart from everyone else, he decided, including Heather.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and let her watch as he typed a message. I’m sorry, Heather. I won’t be coming back to you. Ever. If the baby’s mine, I’ll do everything I can to support him or her and to be kind and sensitive to you as my child’s mother. But I’m in love with Savanna, and I think you need to know it.
Savanna looked up at him in surprise. “Are you really going to send that?”
He hit the button. “It’s done. Now I have to get back and finish playing. Come in with me and quit worrying. Somehow, we’ll beat the odds,” he said, and hoped to God he was right as he led her inside.
* * *
The blowback from that text to Heather turned out to be pretty severe. Gavin glanced through several hateful replies as soon as he finished performing.
I’m never going to let you see this baby! You have screwed yourself for good!
I’m going to marry Scott, and we’re going to move away. You’ll have no idea where we went.
I’ll never forgive you for this, you selfish bastard!
There were other messages, too, but they didn’t make as much sense. He began to suspect she’d been drinking, which was, of course, not good for someone in her condition.
Where are you? he texted back.
Wouldn’t you like to know.
He had to make sure she wasn’t a danger to herself or anyone else.
Don’t do anything you might regret later, he wrote. Whether you try to make things difficult for me or not, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. That was never my intent.
Fuck you, came her response.
He scratched his neck while trying to decide what to do. Did you drive here?
No answer.
Heather? You need to call a cab.
I don’t need a cab. I found a club with far better entertainment and will be going home with a handsome lawyer who’s just dying to get in my pants.
“What is it?”
Startled by the interruption, Gavin turned to see Savanna coming up behind him. She’d been talking to some of the people who’d been sitting near her table while he packed up. “Nothing, why?”
“You seem upset.”
He nearly shoved his phone into his pocket. He didn’t want her to have to deal with every little problem that came his way, especially if that problem involved Heather. But he knew she’d eventually ask him if Heather had responded, that he’d have to tell her, so he lifted his phone to let her see for herself. “Heather’s freaking out.”
She scrolled through the messages before handing his phone back. “What are you going to do?”
“She’s an adult. There’s nothing I can do.” Fearing he’d face the same frustration, only tenfold, once the baby was born, he prayed the child wasn’t his. “Let’s get out of here.”
After they drove in silence for a few minutes, Savanna reached over to touch his arm. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. We knew it wouldn’t be easy.”
“She might settle down once she adjusts to the idea that she’s not going to get you back.”
“It’s possible.”
She seemed surprised when he didn’t turn in the direction they’d come. “Where are we going?”
“To the ocean.”
“What for?”
“I thought it might be nice to walk on the beach and talk.”
“About Heather? Or Gordon?”
“Neither,” he said. “I’d rather you hear about my childhood from me over anyone else.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m ready.”
* * *
When Gavin parked in a small neighborhood somewhere south of Santa Barbara and guided her down a narrow road that ended in a set of wooden stairs leading to the beach, Savanna couldn’t help feeling some trepidation about what she was about to learn. Heather had alluded to a past that was far more tragic than Savanna had expected. Savanna hated the idea that Gavin had suffered, but she was encouraged he was willing to trust her enough to tell her what happened. Having that level of intimacy and understanding would be important if they were to build the kind of relationship that could endure what lay ahead.
The wind whipped at their hair, carrying the briny scent of the sea—a scent that took her back to her childhood in Long Beach. She’d missed the coast far more than she’d realized, felt so happy to be in this place, especially while holding Gavin’s hand.
They were alone as they ambled along the damp sand at the edge of the surf, listening to the powerful and awe-inspiring roar of the waves rising up and crashing against rocks and land not far away. They had only a full moon to provide light, so they couldn’t tell if the dark spots on the beach were rocks, seaweed or crabs—unless the crabs scuttled away to get out from underfoot—but Savanna wasn’t uneasy. She felt more calm and confident than she had in a long while. Gavin had told her he was falling in love with her, and she was falling in love with him, too. Maybe their feelings were new and untried, but she believed they’d grow instead of diminish. Despite all the things working against them, whenever she was with him, it felt right.
“Are you sure you’re ready to talk about the past?” she asked. “I’d like to understand what you went through, but it doesn’t have to be tonight. Tonight’s already been rough.”
He led her up the beach a bit, where they didn’t have to worry about getting hit by the spray, and pulled her down next to him in the soft sand, which still radiated some heat from earlier in the day. “There’s not a lot to tell,” he said. “My stepmother was the problem, but I blame my father for not stepping in.”
Savanna crossed her legs and listened attentively as he told her about his real mother dying when he was two and his stepmother coming into his life at four. He couldn’t remember much of what happened when Diana first married his father, but he definitely remembered the details of the day a year later when he came out of the restroom at the public park to find his stepmother gone. He also remembered how terrified he’d been when a policeman took him home, knowing, as Gavin did, that she wouldn’t be happy to see him. He said the beating he took a few days later was for “making a mess,” but he’d always known it had nothing to do with the toys he’d left on the floor. She’d exploded because she didn’t want him there.
Savanna removed her shoes and dug her toes in the sand. “Do you think you’ll ever want your father back in your life?”
He hesitated as if that wasn’t an easy question to answer. “He’s called me a few times,” he said at length.
“And? What’d he say?”
“Not much. I hang up as soon as he identifies himself.”
“Why do you think he’s reaching out?”
Gavin leaned back, resting the bulk of his weight on his hands as he stared off, across the water. “To apologize. At least, that’s how he starts the conversation. But he’s far too late for that. I’m not interested.”
She listened to several more waves wash up on the beach, marked the foaming surf as coming closer to them, which told her the tide was rising. “What about the foster family who took you in? Do you have any contact with them?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“They were so fanatical. We never connected.”
“Fanatical in what way?”
“They belonged to this religious cult where just about everything was a sin.”
She listened to how difficult he’d found it to fit in with a family who looked at every joy in life as a temptation to be conquered, how, in an attempt to find others he could identify with, he’d eventually fallen in with the wrong crowd at school despite his foster parents’ disapproval—or maybe because of it—and started ditching classes and getting into fights. Pretty soon, he was such an embarrassment to his foster family that the money they received to care for him wasn’t enough incentive to allow “Satan” a place in their home. So they gave him back to the state, at which point he’d been sent to New Horizons.
“Did your foster family have any other kids?”
“They thought they couldn’t have children. Maybe that’s why they decided to foster. But then they wound up having biological twin girls, nine years younger than me.”
“How’d they turn out?”
“I only lived with them for seven years, so the girls weren’t that old when they sent me away. They were indoctrinated young, though. I’m guessing they turned out just like their parents.”
“You don’t know?”
“I haven’t been in touch since I once again became a ward of the state.”
Savanna thought it was heartbreaking that none of the people from his early years had tried to stay in contact. “It’s amazing that you’ve turned out to be such a great person. How’d you overcome all of the rejection and grief?”
Not once had she heard him use his background as an excuse the way Gordon had so many times...
“Aiyana,” he said simply. “I owe her a lot.”
“She was able to heal what was broken inside you.”
“The love she offered me did that.”
“How could anyone not love you?” she asked.
He leaned forward to push the hair out of her face. They’d been so careful not to get physical since that crazy encounter against his truck, had been trying desperately to slow things down so they could be sure they weren’t making a mistake. There were too many beleaguered hearts to take into consideration—hers and her kids’, Gavin’s, even Heather’s. But they’d moved beyond hesitancy and fear to a sense of surety and commitment. “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for.”
As his lips touched hers, Savanna thought maybe the past few months had all been worth it if they’d been leading to this magical moment. “I’m so glad I found you,” she murmured when he lifted his head, and she felt Gavin press her back onto the sand as he slid his hand up under her dress.
* * *
The wind rippled through Gavin’s open shirt as he drove into Savanna. He’d never felt so wild and free, so victorious. He wasn’t sure why that particular word would come to mind, but he couldn’t think of a better way to describe the exhilaration he was feeling. His soul seemed to be soaring over the beach, the ocean, the whole earth. He didn’t have the answers for the myriad problems they’d likely face. He was aware of all the challenges that could come. But he’d answered the biggest question of all, finally understood the fierceness of Eli’s love for Cora. Maybe that was the victory. He’d found that same rare, once-in-a-lifetime love, knew who he wanted to share the rest of his life with.
He couldn’t make out Savanna’s expression. His body blocked the moonlight, casting her face in shadow. But he could feel her beneath him, could hear her breathing escalate as the pleasure built. Demonstrating what they were feeling physically came as a natural conclusion to the evening, but they’d held off touching each other for so long that it also provided a much-needed release.
“You’re still on the pill, right?” he muttered as soon as he felt her shudder her climax beneath him. He was free to let go, but he wanted to come inside her and stay inside her for as long as possible.
She responded by tightening her legs around his hips so that he couldn’t pull out, and that was all it took to throw him over the edge. He groaned as that familiar wave of ecstasy started in his groin and sent a wave of goose bumps throughout his body.
After some time, he dropped beside her. “Any chance you’ll reconsider going to Nephi?”
She started righting her clothes, and he did, too. It was unlikely anyone would come strolling down the beach at this hour, but it was a possibility. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“I don’t want to do anything to draw Gordon’s attention back to you. Why provoke him?”
“Because of Emma, remember?”
“I feel bad for that girl. I do. But she’s probably dead, Savanna.” He knew that was an entirely practical approach—probably a selfish one, too. But Savanna was the person he most wanted to keep safe. “You’re what matters to me.”
She smoothed the hair from his face. The tie had fallen out while they were making love. “If I don’t get something else on him, something more than the police have now, he could get out of jail, Gavin. Going to Utah and getting him to implicate himself is the best way to protect against that.”
He rolled onto his back and let his breath go in a long exhale as he stared up at the sky.
“I have to do it,” she added, and he didn’t say anything because he knew it was true.