Lind thought about his peculiar conversation with Alec for the rest of the day, and he kept thinking about it even as he drove home.
The thing was, while he had teased his friend mercilessly about his sudden interest in romantic relationship statuses, Lind did find himself thinking about where “this thing”—as Alec had put it—was going quite often. In fact, he thought about it pretty much around the clock. The Viper had never allowed himself to have a relationship worthy of the name before; it was just too dangerous and, if he were to be honest, it required too much of an effort. With Eve, he’d had no choice. He couldn’t have resisted her even if he had tried, because he simply didn’t want to. He simply didn’t want to choose a life without her in it.
But it was hard to find his balance. Finding one’s feet in a relationship was hard enough, he had soon come to realize. Juggling the whole process with life as one of the most prominent members of a motorcycle club was next to impossible. He constantly worried about keeping Eve safe and out of any MC business. But, as much as he had tried to resist it at first, his favorite thing about his relationship with Eve (besides the mind-blowing sex) was conversation. They talked more than Lind had ever talked with anyone, including his best friend.
Which meant that he wasn’t always thrilled about not being able to share things with her, especially whenever things got tough or bloody. Those were the times when he needed Eve the most because his instincts were to self-destruct to silence the guilt so he could sleep at night. Eventually, they had reached the arrangement of her taking care of him during those times without knowing the details. He could see that she wasn’t thrilled, but he couldn’t have it any other way.
“Is she your old lady?”
Was she? Was Eve his old lady?
Lind started when a car suddenly honked at him, and he swerved abruptly to avoid it. Once he could get his racing heart under control, he decided to pull over and walk into the nearest diner. He was just too distracted to drive; he needed to untangle his jumbled thoughts first. His instincts would want him walking into a bar at this point, but he just wasn’t sure it would be a good idea, especially not when he was driving to Eve’s place.
He ordered black coffee and settled himself at a table in the far corner of the room where he would be left alone while still being able to keep an eye on any movement—old habits die hard.
When the coffee came, Lind ignored the flirty smile that the waitress threw his way. He noticed, but he just wasn’t interested. Funny thing, that. Only a few months ago, he would have been all over the pretty little brunette. Now, he only cared about the gorgeous blonde waiting for him.
He sighed heavily and stared down into the dark liquid in the mug as if it could give him answers. He wondered what the other members of the MC or even their enemies would think if they knew he was sitting in a diner drinking coffee and wondering about his relationship.
He shook his head in self-deprecation. They would think you had better grow a pair, that’s what. And fast.
He ran a hand across his face and sighed again. What was happening? Why all this doubt all of a sudden? Things with Eve were good. Better than that, things with Eve were perfect. The vision of her in his kitchen earlier that day should be enough to convince him of that.
But that was just it. Before they ended up going at it like rabbits on the kitchen floor, the domesticity of having her in his kitchen making breakfast had finally hit him. And it had confused the hell out of him. That had been the moment when Lind realized that Eve cooking French toast in his kitchen was something extraordinary and ordinary at the same time—it had become a routine. Whenever Eve would stay over, the next day she would cook breakfast while Lind showered. It had become a ritual, and few things scared Lind more than rituals.
While on one hand the realization that he had reached such a level of intimacy with Eve filled him with joy, on the other hand it also terrified him. Because he knew that the time was approaching when they would have to define this—whatever this was.
“Is she your old lady?”
Lind had no idea. He had no idea whether Eve considered herself that, and he had no idea whether that was the road they were headed down. After all, for all he knew, things could crash and burn in a heartbeat. He didn’t want them to, but he wasn’t so naïve as to not consider the possibility.
“Is she your old lady?”
Lind exhaled slowly, trying to blow out some of his frustration. He took a sip of his dark coffee, hoping against hope that the bitter taste would wash away the taste of insecurity. He had conflicting feelings on the possibility of Eve becoming his old lady. The very thought filled him with warm sensations that he wasn’t ready to admit to quite yet. To have Eve in his life for good, fully integrated into his world…well, even the Viper had to concede that it made for a nice picture. On the other hand, old ladies were involved. They weren’t active parts of the MC’s operations, but they were not kept in the dark. They knew exactly what made their men walk in at night with hunched backs and a tired looks on their faces. Most importantly, they knew what their men did.
Lind was not sure he was ready for Eve to know about what he did. He was not sure he was ready for her to know about what he had done and what he would do. It wasn’t just about the danger that knowing would automatically expose her to, it was also about what she might think of him if she knew. As of right now, Eve knew that her man was no angel. She knew his hands were bloodied. But it was one thing for her to have an abstract idea of Lind’s past deeds; it would be an entirely different matter for her to have to clean the blood off his hands.
His phone beeped, startling him out of his reverie. He picked it up and sighed heavier than he had done so far when he read the text that Alec sent him.
“Meeting. Now. Urgent.”
He sent back a reluctant reply: “Coming.”
So much for dinner at Eve’s.
Lind stood, left a bill on the table, and walked back outside. He tried not to stare at the couple having dinner at one of the outside tables, looking like they didn’t have a single care in the world. Lind wondered how everyone made it look so easy. Was he really the only one struggling with this relationship thing? It couldn’t be.
God. I sound like a teenage girl.
Shaking his head at himself once again, he walked to his car and reluctantly turned it around to drive away from the nice neighbors and back towards the outskirts of town where the Diamondbacks waited for him at their headquarters. Keeping a firm hold of the steering wheel with one hand, he set up his Bluetooth with the other and hit the speed-dial key for Eve’s number.
She picked up on the third ring, her voice mellow and welcoming as always. “Hey gorgeous,” she greeted.
Lind cringed. He just hated the idea of canceling on her. “Hey baby,” he said, trying to sound as casual as he could. “How’s it going?”
“Good. I just put the roast in the oven, and I’ve got appetizers waiting for you.” She paused for effect. “One of them is me.”
Oh God.
Lind shifted in the driver’s seat, his cock already twitching at the promising picture Eve had painted for him with just those few words.
“I’m so sorry, darling, we’ll have to reschedule.”
The pause that came from the other end of the line this time definitely was not a happy one. “Why’s that?” Eve asked.
Lind could already hear the tension in her voice. “Something came up.”
“What came up?”
Lind sighed. “Club business.”
“What kind?”
Eve would eventually back off, more or less graciously, but that did not mean she wouldn’t first make a few attempts at figuring out what was going whenever the MC was involved.
“I don’t know,” Lind said, grateful that it was the truth. “Alec just called a meeting. He says it’s urgent.”
“It’s always urgent,” Eve retorted.
Lind frowned. He had the unpleasant feeling that he was being made aware of some unexpressed feelings on her part. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “You know I can’t say no.”
“Well, technically speaking, you could.”
“Eve,” Lind said, pointedly and a lot sharper than he had originally intended. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stand the idea of having to justify himself for a lifestyle that had always been good enough for him. Plus, she had been more than warned about it, thank you very much.
“Fine,” Eve snapped. “Whatever. I’ll see you some other time.”
Lind rubbed his forehead. He was getting a headache. “How about I swing by after the meeting. Would that be okay?”
Eve hesitated. “Are you sure you’ll be able to? Won’t you boys have to go off to do…whatever it is that you’ll have to do?”
“Maybe,” Lind conceded. “But if no immediate action is required, I’ll come to you.”
“So I’m your second choice?”
Lind blinked, taken aback. Where the hell was all this coming from? He took a deep, calming breath; starting a fight on the phone wasn’t going to lead them anywhere. “You know you’re not,” he said soothingly, and he meant it.
There was another brief pause. “Sometimes it feels like it,” Eve admitted quietly.
Lind cringed again. “Well, you’re not,” he said forcefully, hoping he could convey his emotions through the phone line. “I mean that. The club…it’s just something that I have to do, you know that. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Maybe that’s the problem, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” Lind asked carefully.
“Maybe if I was more involved—”
“No,” Lind said immediately, in a tone that bore no arguments.
“Why?”
“You know why. It’s dangerous.”
“But—”
“Look,” Lind cut her off, “you were kidnapped and almost killed. Twice. And you weren’t even involved with the club. Can you imagine what would happen if you were?”
“Nothing has to happen,” Eve said after a moment. “If you could just—”
“I said, no way,” Lind all but growled. I’m keeping you safe, goddamn it, no matter what. “I’ll see you later.”
He disconnected the call before Eve could say anything else, too angry to even consider his gesture. She could snarl and demand all she liked; Lind would rather have her mad at him than have her killed.