CHAPTER 2
I wake up to the sound of the shower running and pipes groaning. I shut my eyes again, savoring the few minutes of relative quiet before Janelle comes back into our room. When I hear the water turn off, dread pools in my stomach. I can barely get enough air into my lungs to complete a solid breath. Every part of me wants to pretend like last night didn’t happen, but I need to tell her if I want to stay alive. Oblivious to my anxiety levels, she shuffles into the room and hops into my small single bed, a fluffy pink towel draped around her tall and thin frame. She presses a hand against my head, checking my temperature.
“You’re getting me soaked,” I complain, my voice a morning rasp.
“I’m glad you’re up! And I guess your fever is gone. It must have been food poisoning, right?” She hops off the bed and opens our shared closet, pulling out a white tank top and skinny jeans, getting ready for work. She’s a hair stylist at the salon at Bergdorf Goodman. It’s a job any girl in her industry would kill for. Most of the salon’s clients are celebrities or rich uptown girls with trust funds; they book months in advance for a cut or highlights, ranging upwards of three-hundred dollars. After sliding on her jeans and a lacy white bra, she looks down at her phone, smiling at whatever she’s seeing. Her face lights up.
“Oh my God, Eve.” She turns to me with a smile and then brings her gaze back to the phone. “Guess who’s coming into the salon today? Gwyneth!” She jumps up and down. “Louis just texted me.” She looks down at herself, eyebrows low. “Shit! I need to change into something better than this.” Reopening our closet, she rummages through clothes.
“Janelle…” I start. She swivels her head, turning to me.
“What is it?” she asks nonchalantly, pressing a navy blouse against her chest and staring at herself in our long mirror.
“Something really bad happened. We need to talk.” I drop my head nervously. When I look back up, I see anxiety clear in her eyes.
Placing her phone beside her, she sits next to me. “What’s going on?”
I have to swallow a few times, but eventually, find the strength to tell her about the Snakes. She sits in silence until I’m completely done with every horrifying detail. It’s agony to recount the story, but I need to tell her the truth. I need her help.
“Oh, Eve.” Her face crumbles and tears well in her eyes. She draws me into her chest as we both start to cry.
“The Snakes.” She sobs. “Those guys are psychotic!”
“I know I messed up big time, Janelle.” Embarrassment mixed with agony blazes through me. I’m old enough to know better. I was literally saved by a stroke of luck. I could have been raped and beaten. Left for dead.
“Janelle,” I sob. “It’s all my fault. If I had just listened to you and didn’t lose track of time, none of this would have happened.” I curl into her side, bawling uncontrollably.
She pulls back, staring at me hard. “Eve, stop this. This is not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s NOT your fault. Walking home late at night does not mean that anyone has the right to take you or to touch you against your will.” Her words echo in my head. “I never want to hear you talk like this. We live in a dangerous place and God knows you do everything you can to stay under the radar. But you have to live, right?” She pulls me closer to her body, holding me together when it feels as though I’m being torn apart. “I’ll figure out how to get you out of this. He won’t come back for you, all right? We’ll figure it out together.”
A memory rushes to the forefront of my head. “I forgot to tell you, but Jason was there.” I stare off into space, remembering how he thrust my clothes at me and practically begged me to run.
“Jason Mendes?” A half smile forms on her lips and my face immediately falls.
“Don’t even think about it, Janelle!” I hiccup, knowing what she’s insinuating.
She has the decency to drop her head for a moment. “Come on, Eve. Chill out. He isn’t one of them, just a hang-around. His mom is on the sixth floor and sick with cancer. I do her hair sometimes and met him when I was over there. He deals some drugs for the Snakes on occasion, but nothing really too serious. I think he’s a mechanic or something, actually. Anyway, maybe if you were closer to him,” she says, raising her eyebrows at the word closer. “They’d leave you alone. Wasn’t Vania saying the other day that he’s into you?”
“No,” I tell her, my voice shaking. “Why don’t you go out with him? If he was with you, he’d probably protect me too, right?”
“Everyone knows I’m with Leo these days. Otherwise, I’d hit him up in a heartbeat.” She winks at me in an attempt to lighten the mood.
She and Leo have a crazy relationship. One minute he’s the best guy ever, the next she’d be screaming at the top of her lungs and cursing the day he was born. I haven’t met him yet, but I’m not too eager considering all the drama he causes. Just the thought of him has me rolling my eyes.
She looks at me and huffs. “Stop being so judgmental, Eve. I see the look on your face and it isn’t pretty.”
“It’s not unwarranted judgment. The guy takes you on an emotional roller coaster on a weekly basis! You deserve better than him.” I get out of bed, agitated and feeling weirdly hollow.
“Unwarranted judgment?” she repeats, standing up tall. “Okay, Miss Big-Shot attorney.” Her condescending voice is like a kick to the chest. “Anyway, he cares about me.” She lifts her head up.
“A man who cares about you won’t put you through that,” I sass, surprised at my tone.
She places a hand on her hip and shifts her weight to one leg. “Did your books teach you that? Because one stupid make-out session with Juan doesn’t qualify you as a relationship guru. And clearly, you don’t exactly have the best intuition, huh?”
My heart sinks.
“I—” My face crumbles and her face falls in regret as she steps forward, throwing her arms around me. I lean into her, my tears running like a faucet.
She sighs, holding me by the shoulders. “Look. I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said that. Especially after what you’ve just been through. I know jumping into a man’s bed for protection is the last thing you’d ever do. But girl, we’ve got to figure something out!” Her voice is desperate as she pulls me back into her chest, rubbing my back. I keep crying, and she continues to shush me gently.
When I finally catch my breath, she sits us both down at the table. “I don’t want you worrying about Carlos. I have so much goodwill in this building, did you forget? I’ll cash in a favor. Someone will talk to him and tell him you’re completely off limits, okay?” I manage to nod my head. “You know these morons have short attention spans. One second, it’s all about you and the next, they’re on to someone or something else.” I look up at her and see hope shining through her glassy eyes.
As a favor to some of the older ladies in the building, Janelle sometimes spends her time cutting and coloring their hair for free. Especially when the elevator is dead, it becomes too hard for older people to take the steps and leave the building. Even if they are strong enough to walk all the way downstairs, most of them are afraid of taking the stairwell all alone, and rightly so. With the lights always going out, bad shit will often go down in there.
People are always looking to repay Janelle for her kindness. Usually, it’s in the form of home cooking. But maybe Janelle is right. Maybe she really can have someone talk to Carlos, and he’ll leave me alone.
“Now go take a shower,” she instructs. “You have work at Angelo’s today, right? It’s good for you to get out of here and clear your head. We’ll take the subway uptown together and you’ll call me before you come home so I can meet you.”
“O-kay,” I manage to stutter.
She bites her lip, and I can tell there is more she wants to say. “Don’t get mad with what I’m about to tell you, because I know you won’t like it.” She lets out a loud exhale. “I think you need to consider talking to Angelo about what happened.”
“No!” I reply vehemently. “I’m not talking about this with him. If he got the Borignone family involved, I’d be bringing a shit storm on myself.” I angrily wipe the tears off my face with my fingers, feeling some scratches on my face. My stomach churns.
Janelle clears her throat, snapping me back into the moment. “Yeah, but what if my connections can’t control Carlos? We’ve got to think of a backup plan.”
“If I let the Borignones help me, I’ll be indebted to them. I can’t get involved. Once I start owing people, I may as well be dead. You know Antonio—no favor is free.”
She sighs. “Okay. Let’s see what I can do first.” She hugs me again as I walk out of the room with my head down.
Entering the bathroom, I tell myself Janelle will be able to fix this for me. My tears are now laced with relief, because she’s here and has my back. She’ll talk to someone. She’ll make sure the Snakes don’t bother me again. I’m not alone in this. I take my clothes off carefully, making sure not to look at myself in the mirror. Just the thought of being naked sickens me. This body I’ve been given is up for grabs, belonging to anyone stronger than me who wants it. I turn on the water extra hot, practically scalding myself as I step under the spray. I want to clean Carlos’ fingerprints from my body.
I know when Janelle mentioned the Borignone family, she did it because they are probably the only ones who could actually kill Carlos and get away with it. The Borignones are the most notorious crime family on the East Coast. They do everything from trafficking illegal drugs and guns to owning half of New York City real estate and small businesses—from cleaners and pawnshops to strip clubs and gas stations, all under their control. They even own Angelo’s Pawn, the shop I work at. But turning to them to fix this for me has to be my last resort. Being in debt to the Borignones would be a nightmare. My mom has been under their thumb for years, and Janelle and I have sworn on our lives we’d never fall into their trap.
On the other hand, Angelo is an associate with the big boss’s ear. There’s no doubt if I told Angelo what happened, he’d arrange to have Carlos’s neck snapped before I got my weekly paycheck.
My mom got me the job with Angelo two years ago. She’s a stripper at a gentleman’s club on the West Side—owned, of course, by none other than the big boss, Antonio Borignone. When I was looking for a weekend job, Antonio told my mom about an opening at Angelo’s Pawn. I was scared as hell because saying no to Antonio was not an option. Working for Angelo was frightening at first, yet he turned out to be one of the best guys I’ve ever known. He lets me read and study when the shop is quiet, and in return, I write essays for his son Alex, who goes to some fancy prep school. I’ve read and written essays on some of the most amazing classic literature of all time. Last year, I asked Angelo if I could see my grades from the papers I write, and he now brings me the marked-up essays from Alex’s professors. I’ve tried to learn from my errors to make my writing better, and according to his teacher’s remarks, it looks like I’m truly growing as a writer.
After getting dressed, I walk into our tiny kitchenette where Janelle passes me a coffee with two packets of Splenda. “I’m gonna do my makeup, then we’ll hit it. You okay?” I nod my head quietly and move to sit in the small folding chair at the kitchen table. Staring out the window with my coffee sitting in front of me, I think about my mother. I wonder how long it’s been since I saw her last. A few weeks? A month, maybe? I look around the kitchenette, remembering the days when my mom would only be gone for a few days, but it felt like forever.
***
“Girls, let’s go shopping!” my Mom squeals from the doorway, clapping her hands together. We turn our heads and smile in surprise; our mama is home! She’s been gone for three and a half days. Janelle and I jump off our chairs and run to the front door, greeting her with tight hugs around the waist.
“Mama, can we go to Toys‘R’Us? There’s this new scooter I wanna get!” Janelle lifts her hands in prayer, blinking her baby-blue eyes that people always gush over.
“Today we can do anything you girls want! My bank account is ready for action! I met this guy. His name is Antonio Borignone—and he’s rich and gorgeous! He says he’ll take the best care of me! And I just know he’s telling the truth!” Her smile is huge and scary, bigger than usual. Janelle turns to me, happiness bursting out of her face, and I push the funny feeling I have in my belly away.
My mom starts talking so quickly, my head is spinning. “First, let’s go to the toy store. Then, let’s get McDonald’s. Or, no, let’s go to one of those fancy places in SoHo! We’ll go get our hair and nails done! Janelle, you could use some blond in your hair like me. But not Eve, her hair is too dark.” She turns to both of us, touching our faces. “God, my girls are so beautiful. Not as beautiful as me of course, but you can hope one day, maybe!”
I notice how fast her lashes are fluttering. I put my finger on my eye to feel my own lashes; do mine move like that too?
My gaze lands to a stack of books in the corner of the room, all of which I’ve read too many times. “Mama, can we also stop at the bookshop? There are so many books I want to buy!” I jump up and down a few times, unable to contain my excitement.
She swallows hard as her eyes darken, and I realize I just made a big mistake. She moves her long blond hair to one shoulder, pressing her lips together. “What does a six-year-old kid care about books, Eve? No books! Do you hear me? You can’t be filling your head with that shit. Who taught you to fuckin’ read, anyway?” She turns her body away from me, focusing on my sister. “Janelle, was it you?” I drop my head, fingering the holes in my leggings.
“No, Mama. She taught herself,” Janelle replies in a quiet voice.
“Eve, what you trying to be, huh? I refuse to raise an uppity girl,” she huffs. “You think you’re better than everyone else around you? You think you deserve more? You’d leave this place behind without a second thought if you could, huh?” I stay quiet, not sure what I’m supposed to say. Wanting more, or better, than this isn’t a good thing.
After a few moments of silence, I look up at Janelle, terrified I may have angered our mom badly enough to ruin our day. She gives me a tiny head nod and I finally bring my eyes back to my mother.
“Well. You got anything to say for yourself, Doctor Eve?” She laughs. I keep my mouth shut. Being a doctor isn’t a good thing.
She steps up to me, putting her long, manicured fingers in my hair, pulling one spiral curl down and watching it bounce back into place. “Dark and curly, just like that asshole,” she huffs.
She looks around the room, eyes moving from corner to corner. “Girls, are you turning this place into a pigsty?” Her voice is high-pitched and loud. “The place looks nasty. Eve, clean the kitchen.” She watches as I open the closet door and pull out some cleaning supplies. The moment my hands touch the bleach, she lets out a sigh of relief.
She places a hand on her bony hip, facing me. “While me and Janelle wash up for our day, you take care of this.” She gestures around the room with her hands. I look up at her again and nod my head. If I can just make her happy with the cleaning, maybe she’ll love me more and stop leaving all the time.
“And IF you get it all done in time, then maybe…” her voice trails off and I inhale, hoping. “Then maybe,” she repeats, “you’ll come with us.” I exhale.
My mom struts into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Janelle is still next to me, squeezing my hand three times. It’s our secret signal for a promise. “I’ll help you clean up. We’ll all go out together.”
“Okay, Janelle,” I whisper, dropping my head.
“Don’t be sad, baby girl. We’re going to have the best day ever.” I shrug, hoping things will look up.
She bends down low, placing her lips at my ear to tell me a secret. I stand on my tippy-toes, wanting to make sure I hear every word. Janelle’s lips graze over my ear, her warm breath giving me the chills. “Don’t tell Mom, but if you want, we can return some toys when she leaves and use the money for books.”
“Really?” I throw my hands over my mouth, trying not to laugh too loudly. “You’re right. This is going to be the best day ever!”
“Shh! Let’s just get this cleaning done before she comes out.” Janelle picks up the folding chair from the kitchen table and places it in front of the sink so I can climb up to reach the faucet.
We put the box of Cheerios in the cupboard and then scrub our breakfast bowls side by side. We had our cereal this morning with water, which I really don’t like. We’ve been out of milk for weeks.
When we finish cleaning up, we walk together into our tiny bedroom. I love how we share. I don’t like to be alone.
Janelle turns to me, her eyes full of promise. “One day, Eve, I’m gonna get a job and make sure we always have food on the table. And you’re gonna be a doctor or a lawyer with that big brain of yours. Don’t listen to Mama, okay? You keep on reading. We’re gonna get out of this place.” I quietly nod as she kisses me on the head and walks to the bathroom. I change into a pair of leggings without too many holes, hoping my mom won’t be embarrassed by me.
After a day of nonstop shopping, we finally get back home with bags full of toys and our hair done up in curls and our nails shining with color. Janelle and I drop onto the couch, exhausted.
“Mama, can we watch a movie tonight?” Janelle asks. I smile wide, hoping my mom says yes. Because Janelle is thirteen, she always knows the best movies to watch.
My mom ignores the question and looks down, checking her phone and smiling. “Girls, Mama needs to go out for a little bit. Take good care of your toys!” And just like that, she’s gone again.
***
As we got older, we learned that when Mom was happy, the supermarket needed to be our first stop. She’d walk with us up and down the aisles, laughing and playing supermarket sweep. We’d buy up every dry good we could fit into our cart. Fresh food wasn’t smart since it ultimately went bad, but we’d take lots of canned fruits and vegetables.
Over time, Mom’s highs got higher and her lows lower and longer. Weeks would sometimes pass and we wouldn’t see her at all. Our food would run low. Janelle dropped out of school at sixteen to get a job. She pays most of our rent now, too, and makes sure we have food at all times. Eggs and milk. Pasta. I try to help out in the ways I can by cleaning and cooking meals. But Janelle refuses to let me leave school and get a full-time job, no matter what. I know she only stays in this shithole so I’m not alone.
Janelle insists that she didn’t need school to be a famous hair stylist, but I know how much she sacrificed for me. One day, I’m going to make sure I make enough money for the two of us to get out of here. I’m not letting anything or anyone stop me. I just have to survive long enough to make it out.