Dixie
The cop looked almost exactly like Shemar Moore. The afternoon sun glinted off his shaved head and cast his confident swagger in shadow as he approached us. He even had the neatly trimmed goatee surrounding his mouth and the kind of smile that made me forget my own name. I was having a really hard time listening to what he was saying and not gawking with my tongue hanging out. He was tall, built, and gorgeous, just like the man sitting stiffly in front of me. They might not be related by blood, but there was no mistaking that Church was every inch his father’s son and there was also no missing that his dad felt it was long past time his eldest returned home.
“I am very obviously not kidnapped.” I couldn’t believe that someone had reported me missing. For a second I wondered if it could be Kallie going above and beyond to get my attention since I wasn’t around to keep her world from crumbling around her like I normally was. I wouldn’t put it past her, but I quickly dismissed the idea when the hot cop took his sunglasses off and pinned me with a hard, chocolate-colored stare several shades darker than my own.
“You give anyone a reason to report you missing before you left Denver?” His voice rumbled like distant thunder and his drawl was so thick and low that I really had to listen to understand him.
I shook my head vehemently no as Church swore. “I pissed off a drug dealer before I blew out of town. Could be payback for that. Got some looks outside Kansas City and some more once we hit the Mississippi state line. Could be that.” He tensed up and practically growled at the man standing stoically next to us. “You know how it goes.” He sounded pissed and his words made the man he didn’t refer to as Dad look angry.
“I do know how it goes, son.” It sounded like it didn’t go well for either of them in the past.
“Someone locked Dixie in the bathroom at a truck stop the first night. They jammed a pipe in the door and she was stuck there while I helped some guy out with his radiator. Someone also tried to run us off the road the first night. I’m thinking none of that was coincidental now.”
“You got a description of the guy?”
Church shook his head. “No, sir. I can’t tell you what kind of car he drove or what he looked like. I can tell you all of Acosta’s guys are Hispanic.”
“Acosta, the drug dealer?” It was so formal, so regimented. I couldn’t believe neither man was an emotional mess after spending so many years apart. There were no hugs exchanged, not even a friendly handshake. It was all facts and information exchanged in clipped sentences. It was almost painful to watch.
“Yep. He’s tangled up in federal court right now, but he’s got a dirty lawyer that I wouldn’t be surprised to learn is helping him run things from behind bars.”
The cop switched his attention to me and his lips lifted in a half grin. Dear Lord, if Church ever let go of all that history and horror that made it impossible for him to smile he would be devastating. He was already the prettiest man I had ever seen, and if he ever got to the point where he could comfortably flash his pearly whites my heart wouldn’t be able to take it … and I was pretty sure my vagina would spontaneously combust.
“You see the car that tried to run you off the road, Curly Sue?” I couldn’t hold back the giggle at the nickname. When Church called me “pretty girl” it made me feel all kinds of hot and bothered. The “Curly Sue” from his dad made me feel welcomed and enfolded in the warmth of a family that was missing a piece. I didn’t have anything to do with bringing the prodigal son home, but the cute nickname and the lazy smile that showed all of his strong white teeth made me feel like I was the key to putting all the fragments back together.
“No, I didn’t see anything, but I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy watching my life flash before my eyes.”
He nodded and put his sunglasses back on. “It’s been my experience that most drug dealers tend to be more in-your-face with their retaliation, but this guy might be more subtle if he’s looking at federal charges. Not sure what’s going on and it’s going to be a paperwork nightmare to get the alert pulled on you two, so I would keep an eye out for anything else that seems out of sorts. Pretty easy to spot the things that don’t belong in a small town.”
Church snorted. “One of these things is not like the other.”
The cop frowned and shook his head. “You’ve been gone a long time, son. Things change. The boy you were may have struggled here, that doesn’t mean the man you are now can’t find his place.”
“Not sure my place is here, Jules.” I saw the admission hit the older man like it was a bullet fired from a gun. Julian Churchill had been waiting for his son to settle for a long time, and the fact Church couldn’t see that made me want to smack him upside his helmeted head.
“As long as you find a bit of peace when you find that place I don’t care where it’s at. I’ve got to get back to the station and try and untangle this missing-persons mess. You headed to the house?” He said it like it was a given that Church and I would be staying at his childhood home. I saw Church start to shake his head no, and I decided it was enough.
“We’re going to the hospital to see Elma Mae first, but when visiting hours are over we’ll be there. Church mentioned that you live close to her, so we can stay there and help her out once she gets back home. It’ll be great.” I purposely ignored the daggers that I was sure Church was throwing at me with his eyes behind the lenses of his sunglasses. I could see his big body lock with tension and refusal. His dad must have picked up on it, too, because before Church could offer up a suggestion that didn’t have us under his father’s roof the cop mentioned that he would call his other boy and make sure that he had the place tidied up. He excused himself in a rush and turned and walked back to his cruiser.
Church’s jaw clenched and a muscle in his cheek twitched. “I was planning on getting us a couple of rooms in town.”
“You haven’t seen your family in ten years. It’s obvious that your dad wants time with you, and I think we both know you need the time with him and your brother. It won’t kill you to stay with him until you figure out where you want to be.” I sounded like I was scolding a child, but frankly he was kind of acting like a toddler that had skipped nap time. I could understand him wanting to take it slow while he salvaged the remnants of the bridges he had burned, but the pace he seemed to be moving at rivaled a snail for speed.
“Jules’s place isn’t very big. There isn’t an extra room for guests. That means you and I are going to be in close quarters until you go home.” The way his twang made the word “close” sound had heat rising into my face and made me tug at the collar of my shirt.
“We’ll survive it.” I sounded more confident than I felt. Last night had been torturous. There was nothing worse than that necessary distance that I had to keep between the two of us. All I longed to do was reach out and touch him. Every inch of my skin prickled and ached for me to let him touch me. I wanted his arms around me and his hard, heavy body pressing into mine. I wanted it with every part of my being, but I knew once I got it there was no way I was going to survive letting it go. He refused to entertain the idea that we could have more, that he could be more to me than a hard and ready cock and every time he reminded me of the fact it was like having a bucket of icy water poured over my head.
I’d lost my mind a little last night outside the bar. He just smelled so good, and when he looked at me like I could be the thing he built his dreams on there was no stopping me from taking a little taste. I was like a starving person that was offered a cupcake. I wanted to lick all the frosting off and shove the rest of all the deliciousness in my mouth with both hands. It shouldn’t have gone as far as it did. I knew he wasn’t going to understand that it had been more about me than it had about him, and I couldn’t blame him for that. It was hard to explain that making him happy and giving him what he wanted since I knew that there was no way I was getting what I wanted from him fulfilled me in a complex and emotional way. His satisfaction gave me a little bit of my own. It was a pretty powerful thing to be the girl that made a man that had brooding and suspicion down to an art form drop that ever-present shield he held up to keep the world at bay. That glimpse of Church unprotected and vulnerable would stay with me forever. He might not love me, but he trusted me and he lowered his defenses for me. That might be enough to keep me going when it was time to walk away.
I made his eyes glow. That better than hazel color had lit up the night and nothing had ever made me feel so accomplished or satisfied. The darkness that seemed to follow him everywhere lifted for a split second and I would never forget that I was able to chase his shadows away for that moment, no matter how brief it may have been.
“How long you think a pillow fortress is gonna keep my hands off of you?” I jolted as he rocked the bike up off its stand and turned the motor over. Clearly he didn’t want my response and I was secretly glad I didn’t have to give him one because the only thing I didn’t really want him to keep me safe from was him.
The drive to the small hospital took almost no time at all once we hit the actual city limits, though “city” was a bit of a stretch. The town of Lowry looked like it could be the set of a family drama set deep in the heart of the south. It was adorable, quaint, and looked like every single person living there had taken an oath to keep the streets clean and the main street just kitschy enough to be ironically cool. The entire place could have fallen off the front of a postcard, it was that picturesque and pristine. It almost felt like stepping back in time and I sort of loved it. I was a Colorado girl to my core but part of the reason I loved the Mile High so much was because it was a big city with a small-town mentality. People were kind to their neighbors. There was a sense of community, and it really felt like I couldn’t go anywhere without running into someone I knew. I was tickled pink by this actual small town, and I waved back at everyone who lifted their hand in greeting and smiled at everyone who offered up a grin as Church barreled down the narrow two-way street. I wasn’t sure if they recognized him and that’s why everyone seemed so friendly or if this was just the kind of place where strangers were friends until proven different. If that was the case this place was my kind of town.
The hospital wasn’t a massive, sprawling structure. In fact, the entire building looked like it would fit inside of the bar where I worked back home. However, the inside was a bustle of activity and there was no shortage of medical equipment or hospital staff scurrying around in colorful scrubs. The outside might not have been very impressive but the inside sure was.
Church stopped at the information desk and asked where we could find Elma Mae. The woman seated behind it gave him a smile and proceeded to tell him that she remembered him from when he was little, that his brother was growing up to look just like him, and that she knew his dad and was so happy when Julian decided to run for sheriff. For all the forgetting Church had been trying to do it appeared that the people he had left behind had long memories. The woman thanked him for his service, to which he blushed and stumbled over a “Much obliged, ma’am.” We hadn’t been back for very long and already his accent was twice as pronounced as it normally was. He might have thought he cut himself loose when he enlisted and ended up on the other side of the world, but his roots ran deep no matter how tangled and snarled they might be.
On the way to the room he was stopped twice more. Once by a nurse that told him they went to high school together and that she was glad to see that he’d made it back home in one piece, and the second time by a doctor that mentioned he had been the one taking care of Elma Mae and knew that his visit was going to mean the world to her. Apparently the older woman talked about the Churchill men like they were family. Church didn’t bother to tell the man that they were family, he simply replied that he would be around for as long as Elma needed him. That got him a pat on the back and a toothy smile.
When we got to the room I grabbed Church’s elbow and pulled him to a stop before he could push the door open. “I’m going to give you a few minutes alone with her. I’m sure she missed you and I don’t want to intrude. Come and get me when you’re ready, I’ll hang out here in the hallway.” I really needed to find a cup of coffee. My sleepless night and the stress of wondering who would have possibly reported me missing had me strung out and feeling spread a little too thin.
He put his fingers over mine and met my look with one of his own. “I’d rather you come in with me. She’s been through enough and doesn’t need to get all worked up about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. She’s southern through and through, so there is no way she’ll throw a fit in front of a stranger.” His explanation for wanting me by his side sounded reasonable, but I could see there was more to it than that. He was scared … more than scared … he was terrified to step inside that room on his own.
His mouth was pinched. His eyebrows were pulled into a V over the top of his nose and he was pale under the natural golden hue of his skin. The fingers that covered mine had a slight tremor to them, and I really got the sense that he wasn’t going to cross that threshold until I pushed him or agreed to walk in beside him.
I huffed out a breath and tugged my hand until he released it. “Fine. I’ll come in with you, but if anyone starts crying then I’m gone.” I said it jokingly because I was pretty sure that if anyone was going to succumb to waterworks it would be me. I was a sucker for a happy reunion and no one needed someone to throw their arms around them and welcome them home more than Church.
The slender figure in the center of the hospital bed looked like she could be Helen Mirren’s twin sister. She was elegant and stately even in a pink pajama top covered in what appeared to be kittens wearing sunglasses. She had the covers pulled up to her waist but the bulk of the leg immobilizer was impossible to miss, so were the sling around her shoulder and the black eye marring her flawless complexion. Church mentioned she was in her eighties or close to it on several occasions, but I wouldn’t have put her a day over sixty-five if I hadn’t known better. She was in the hospital with a broken hip and her hair and makeup looked better than mine did on any given day of the week. I was impressed, but as her keen gaze went from elation at seeing Church to accusation as it landed on me, I could tell the feeling wasn’t mutual.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. Look at you, all grown and handsome. Get over here and give Elma a hug. I missed you something terrible, Dashel.” I had been shocked to hear his dad call him Dash. I almost fell over when this woman called him Dashel. It was a stark reminder that I didn’t know the man that had been my obsession and my downfall nearly as well as I wanted to.
Church worked his way around the edge of the bed and bent to carefully wrap his arms around the woman. Her hands fluttered along his corded shoulders, but her cutting gaze never left me as I watched the reunion with wide eyes, holding my breath for so long it made my lungs burn. I was afraid if I moved, if I so much as twitched the wrong way I would somehow ruin this moment for him. I was trying to be as unobtrusive as possible even with the old lady glaring at me like I was the sole reason he had been gone for so long.
She shifted her attention to Church as he straightened. She lifted her hands to each side of his face and turned it from side to side like she was searching for the teenager that had left a decade ago.
“You’re taller now. You look so much like your momma and wait until you see Dalen. He’s such a handsome boy. He looks a lot like you now that he’s growing into his feet. It’s good to have you back, Dashel. You were missed. Talking to you over Skynet isn’t the same as having my boy home where I know he’s safe.”
I couldn’t hold back the laugh that forced its way out. “Skynet? Isn’t that the computer system that takes over the world in the Terminator movies?”
He chuckled and wrapped his hands around Elma’s wrists as she narrowed her eyes at me once again. “She means Skype. I tried to check in on everyone once a month while I was overseas. Jules set up Skype for Elma on her computer so she could see for herself I was all in one piece. I told you I was taking care of myself.” He gave her hands a little squeeze and stepped back.
“You need someone to take care of you for a change, my boy. Isn’t that why you stayed in Colorado with your girl instead of coming back home?” Her words were pointed, and I was starting to doubt Church’s assurance that she wouldn’t want a scene in front of a stranger. She seemed more than willing to call me out for any hand I may have had in keeping her boy from home when his tour of duty was done.
Church exhaled a breath and shot me an apologetic look. “Elma Mae, Dixie is a good girl. Believe me when I tell you the last thing she needs is another person to take care of, especially when I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I told you there was a girl and that things were complicated, you didn’t believe me. Well, she’s the girl and things are no less complicated now that we’re here instead of there.”
Those overly observant eyes practically pinned me to the spot. She was looking at me like she could see all the things I had been covering up with smiles and humor for longer than I cared to remember. Church told me I was the sun shining on even the cloudiest of days, but the truth was there were times when I couldn’t get through the fog. There were days when all I wanted was a hug and for someone to tell me that it would all be worth it in the end. Every grin, every pat on the back, every thumbs-up and unwavering positive reinforcement I handed off to others, there were days when I longed to know that the universe would turn that back around on me and I would finally be rewarded with the simple dreams that I had nurtured for so long. It kind of felt like time had run out on that karmic windfall considering I was never dating again, and the only person I wanted to love unconditionally didn’t even know it. Not to mention the more time I spent with him on his journey home, the more I was wondering if I had ever really known the man my heart was so stuck on.
The broken soldier looking for some peace. The brooding bouncer. The beautiful and aloof hero that didn’t have the time or patience for wasted words and actions. The loyal friend. The southern gentleman. The consummate loner with miles and miles of walls erected around him. Those were all the parts of Church that I knew and still managed to fall for, but there were the new parts that I wasn’t so fond of. The battle-weary warrior carrying years and years of war around inside of him, so heavy and weighted down he couldn’t move forward. The man who had lost too much. The standoffish son. The reluctant to return small-town boy. The jaded child scarred from years of being told he was different and not enough of one thing to be a whole anything. The man that needed me to help him out but didn’t want me enough to step out of his comfort zone. There were a lot of sides to Church that should knock the rose-colored glasses right off of my nose, but my foolishly determined heart was having a hard time letting go of all the things it decided it loved about him.
“You’ve had a situation that needed figuring out here since you left.” She turned her sharp gaze to him and Church ducked his head. “I don’t care why you stayed away, alls I care about is the fact you’re back. One of these days me and you are gonna sit down and you’re gonna tell me why you couldn’t come home. You’re gonna tell this old woman why you went chasing after bad guys and nearly broke your daddy’s heart, but for now you’re gonna give me another hug and promise me that you aren’t going anywhere until I got two good legs so I can chase you if you decide to run again.”
He bent down and wrapped his arms around her and gave her a squeeze that made her laugh. He put a soft kiss on her cheek before he stood to his full height once again.
“I’m home for the foreseeable future. Dixie is hanging around with me for a little bit so we can get you settled. I told her all about your cookies and your sweet tea.”
“You aren’t stayin’?” The woman was sharp as a tack and didn’t miss a beat.
“Well … I … ugh … I’m here for as long as Church needs me to stay.” I winced when she narrowed her eyes at me when I used the only name I knew him by and it obviously irritated her.
“I don’t know anyone named Church. I know an adorable boy that wouldn’t want to disrespect his momma by throwing away the name she picked out for him.” I shifted my gaze to Church and watched as he moved his weight nervously from foot to foot. Well, wasn’t that adorable. Add chagrined and scolded Church to the list of parts of him that were impossible not to care for.
“Haven’t been Dashel in a long time, Elma. Went to war and earned the name Church. I got it from a man I respect and admire, a man that I still call a friend. I think Mom would understand.” His voice was quiet and the sentiment was clear. He liked his name and he was proud of how he came by it. He wasn’t a kid that needed her to look after him anymore, he was a man that had seen things and done things that fundamentally changed a person. He couldn’t be Dashel anymore. That innocence and naïveté had been stripped away.
The older woman made a noise low in her throat and threw up her hands in exasperation. “Fine, you be Church for your woman and for everyone else, but for me you’ll always be little Dashel with the wild eyes and the too tender heart. I’m so mad I fell, but God was looking out for me and He had a plan. If that tumble was what brought you home to me and your family, then I would gladly take a hundred more.”
Church rumbled out a laugh from low in his chest and walked over to where I was still hovering by the doorway. His shoulder brushed mine and he reached down to grab my hand. His fingers were no longer shaking but there was a coiled tension running all throughout his body, making him so rigid and stiff that it felt like I was standing next to a stone statue.
“No more falling. I’ll borrow Jules’s truck tomorrow, assuming he still has it, and come and pick you up when it’s time to go home. I missed the shit out of you, Elma.”
“Language!” She shook a finger at him and gave me one last knowing look. “This old woman missed you more than you will ever know. Looking forward to seeing what’s so special about your girl, Dashel.”
Church muttered another good-bye and hustled me out of the room before he had to further defend my honor. We were in the elevator when I told him flatly, “You brought me all this way, and she hates me.”
He gave me a hooded look as he crossed his arms over his chest. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just protective of me, and it’s been a long time. I don’t think she was ready for the actuality of me being grown and having lived an entire life she had no part of.”
“One of these days do you plan on sharing why she had no part of that life?” I tilted my chin back so that I could look him in the eye. “I think that’s a story I would like to hear. Also I’m not at all surprised you were scared to go see her on your own. She’s something else.”
His eyebrows shot upwards so fast I was amazed they didn’t go flying off his forehead. His gorgeous eyes widened and colored with disbelief. “I wasn’t scared to go into her room alone.”
I made a face at him and pushed past him so I could get out of the elevator. “Oh right. You’re a big, badass soldier, you aren’t scared of anything. That’s why you were pale and shaking at the door. I get it, she talks to you like you’re five and you clearly adore her and don’t want to let her down. I would be nervous about my reception, too.”
Once we pushed out the front doors and back into the idyllic scenery that made up his hometown he grabbed my arm and hauled me around so that we were nose to nose. He was breathing hard and there was an unhinged panic in his eyes that I had never seen before. This was Church close to the edge. The edge of what, I had no clue, but I was smart enough to recognize that I needed to shut my mouth or else there was a real risk I would end up pushing him over.
“Elma Mae loves me and nothing I could do or have done would ever make her stop. I wasn’t nervous or scared about how she would handle seeing me after all this time.” His eyes flashed a million different emotions at me and his lungs pushed out breaths as rapidly as he could pull them in. “I didn’t want her to be dead.”
He dropped the bomb at the same time he let me go. I rocked back on my heels and put a hand over my chest where my heart was racing, trying to keep up with his erratic behavior.
“Why would you think that? You knew she was doing fine other than her injuries. Why would you think that she would be dead just because you finally made it to see her?” He wasn’t making any sense but I could see he was as serious as could be.
His eyes drilled into me and his voice was icy cold and devoid of all emotion when he flatly responded, “Because the women I care about don’t make it. I get a good thing in my life and it goes away before I realize just how good it is. Bad can always get worse and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it.” He pulled his eyes away from mine and turned his back on me as he started walking towards the motorcycle. “Why do you think I refuse to let myself think about there being a me and you, pretty girl? You’re all good and I don’t want to bring you into the kind of bad I can’t seem to shake.”
His words floored me. They left me frozen on the spot and unable to think straight. He started the bike and refused to look at me while I stood stuck and immobile a few feet away.
We needed to talk. I needed to understand. He needed to make what had just happened here make some kind of sense, because I knew for a fact Church was a lot of things, some I liked more than others, but none of those things was bad.
I was starting to see what all those dark clouds and shadows that hovered over him were made of.
Memories and regrets and a whole lot of loss that he couldn’t stop. He was still feeling old wounds like they were freshly sliced into his soul. I didn’t know if there was a sunny day bright enough to shine through all of that but I’d be damned if I didn’t try to find one for him.