Church
Hey, Church. You know I love you, right?”
There was no stopping my fall after that. My knees hit the ground. My head fell forward on my neck and my heart turned itself inside out. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see past the haze of everything I had to lose suffocating me and pulling me under. I don’t know how the words escaped but I managed to tell her, “You don’t get to do that, Dixie. You don’t get to give me that when you’re risking your neck like a little fool.”
She laughed but it was sadder than anything I’d ever heard in my life. It was so final, so fatalistic when she whispered the damning truth and gave me a good-bye I was bound and determined to obey: “You’ve always had it.”
Then she was gone and there was no getting her back. I let out a roar that was inhuman and dragged my bloodied, battered body down the driveway even though there was no way in hell I could catch up the car that squealed away with my entire life inside of it. I fell to my knees again. Leveled by emotion and hammered by pain, none of it coming from the graze across my arm or the jagged hole that burned right under my collarbone. I’d taken a bullet before. It never felt good, but I knew enough and had been wounded enough while I was overseas to know that while these injures hurt like a bitch they wouldn’t be the end of me. I felt a heavy hand land on my shoulder and looked up at my dad through eyes that wouldn’t focus. My lungs were burning and my mouth felt like it was full of acid and bile. He handed me something that looked like a spare T-shirt and ordered, “Put that on your shoulder and get your ass up. Let’s go get your girl, son.”
I barely heard him. I was too lost in my own spiral of panic and remorse. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. I wanted to leave Dixie at home so that she was never in danger in the first place. I wanted to take her to bed the first time she gave me the opportunity so that I could tell her with my body what I didn’t have the words to say. I wanted to make sure she knew that if I could love her I would. I had forgotten how but I was willing to learn for her and because of her. She made me want to face my biggest fear. She was the only woman that made me want to take that risk. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms every single morning and I wanted to spend all day, every day making sure she knew that she came first. She was the sun in my sky and if something happened to her there was absolutely no way that anything would ever get the chance to flourish and grow in the soul she had been cultivating and nurturing from the moment we met. In fact, all that rich and fertile soil that she had been tilling and digging her way through would go back to ash and dust if anything happened to her. I would be barren and desolate, like I had been before her bright light found its way into all my dark places.
“If anything happens to her …” I trailed off and allowed Jules to haul me up to my feet.
“We’re gonna make sure nothing happens to her, Dash.”
I winced in pain that had nothing to do with the bleeding hole in my shoulder. “I wish I could believe that, Dad. Our track record isn’t so great in that department.” I followed him to his cruiser all while he was shouting orders and rallying the troops, and we hit the doors at a run and peeled out into the street and after the speeding sedan. Jules tossed his radio at me and ordered me to relay every twist and turn we took as we followed. I knew he was trying to make me feel productive and helpful in the pursuit but all I could feel was panic and fear threatening to choke me. She’d sacrificed herself for me, for Elma. She took care of me when it was my job to take care of her. She would give up everything for the little bit of good we’d had together.
“We might not have a winning track record when it comes to keeping them, but we’re undefeated when it comes to finding the best women to make a life with. I think the big guy upstairs owes us a solid, son. Keep your head in the game.” I was trying to, but I felt like I was getting sucked into a black vortex that was filled with familiar pain and hopelessness.
“She told me she loves me.” The words ripped out of my chest. It couldn’t be the last thing she ever said to me, not without me being able to give that back to her. I needed to give that to her regardless of what happened between us in the future. “She loves me and I was so fucking worried about Elma falling that I didn’t stop and grab my gun when we left the house. I knew trouble was brewin’ and I dropped the ball.” I felt my head fall forward as pain and blood loss started to zap some of my energy. She loved me and she very well could die because of it.
“I think that love has been pretty clear from the start. I don’t think she would have agreed to come here, to hold your hand as you found your way back, if she didn’t love you. And just in case you keep wanting to be stubborn it’s obvious you love her, too.”
I sighed and told him to pick up the pace and turn once we hit the long, flat stretches of rough road that led out of town and towards the more rural parts of the county. It was obvious neither Dixie nor the guy holding the gun on her had any idea where they were going. The poorly marked roads that seemed to go on forever were causing them to double back and speed haphazardly along roads that went nowhere.
“How could you know I love her before I did?” I wanted to kick myself and take back every second I’d spent pushing her away. That was familiar regret and I couldn’t believe I wasn’t smart enough to learn my lessons from the first time I had done that with a woman that brought nothing but sunshine and light into my life. “Looks like they’re making a U-turn and they’re headed back towards the main road. They’re going too fast. All that gravel and unfamiliar roads …” I trailed off worried Dixie was going to lose control and flip the car.
“We’re going to block them in. We’ll be at the junction at route 9 in a few minutes. He’s not going anywhere with her.” The sirens wailed overhead as the car flew so fast over the road that it didn’t even seem like the wheels were touching the ground. I’d never been so happy that the man that raised me came with a badge and a gun before. He cut me a look and went from cop to parent in the blink of an eye as he told me, “I knew you loved her because you introduced her to your family. I knew you loved her because you stayed in Denver for her even if you had other reasons for lying low. I’m not a fool, as soon as I saw you with her I knew she was your main reason. I know you love her because instead of running from whatever is waiting for you when we get to her, you’re right here running towards it. You might be scared she’s going to get hurt, but your love for that girl is stronger than your fear, Dash.”
I couldn’t think of a response to any of it because he was right. Even though I’d let fear steal time and important moments with my family away, they were still the most important people in my world and as much as I liked Denver, the Delta was always calling me home. I’d stayed longer than I’d planned because of her. I wasn’t ready to go back to gray days and frigid nights alone without her in my life. He was also spot-on about the fact I couldn’t get to her and the danger she was in fast enough. I understood that she was in the hands of a madman, that her fate was being held in the hands of a lunatic, and there was nothing I could do about it. But instead of losing control and running from the very real possibility that I might lose her, I was racing towards whatever may come so that any time we had left together wasn’t wasted. I would fight for Dixie until the bitter end. There was no giving up on her, even if forever wasn’t a guarantee.
We watched in silent horror as the older car started to fishtail and lose traction. It screeched from one side of the road to the other, a cloud of dust swallowing it up. When it came back into sight the vehicle was bearing down on the fleet of police cars thundering towards it. “Doesn’t look like he’s letting her take her foot off the gas or pull over and surrender.” They were blurry through both windshields and the smoke screen of road debris that the tires were kicking up but I could see the stark look of terror on Dixie’s face and the gun that was pointed at the side of her head.
Jules nodded and his hands tightened on the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “He’s not going anywhere.”
My phone rang and I was jerked out of my pensive thoughts. It was such a normal thing in a situation that was not that it took me a minute to juggle the device and get a finger free to swipe across the screen. I winced when I noticed I smeared blood across the glass when I hit the speaker function. It was a blatant reminder of the kind of violence the man who had my girl was capable of. “Not a good time, Royal. Let me call you back.”
I’d asked the gorgeous lady cop to check out all of Dixie’s online dates but I already knew the culprit was Joseph thanks to Dixie calling his name out while he threatened her with the gun.
“Is that a siren?” She sounded alarmed but I didn’t have time to reassure her everything was okay.
“In the middle of something. Like I said, now isn’t a good time.” I barked the words at her far more harshly than I meant to.
“Okay, well, I’ll talk fast because you need to hear what I have to say.” She took a deep breath and then words erupted out of her so fast I could hardly keep up. “All the guys on the list you gave me checked out except for Erikson.” I grunted because she wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. “We can’t locate him but we did get a nasty surprise when we checked his home. There was a dead body inside the house, Church. An older woman that we’ve identified as Marie Erikson. It was bad, gruesome. If the son is the person behind this murder, you need to be careful and you need to tell Dixie to be careful. This guy is unhinged.”
“Fuck.” I bit the word out and looked over at Jules. My dad’s jaw was clenched and a muscle was ticking rapid-fire in his cheek. “Thanks for the heads-up, Royal. I’ll call with an update when I have one.” When Joseph had talked about everyone keeping him from what he wanted I had a suspicion he’d been referring to his mother. This news wasn’t good but it was far from unexpected at this point.
“Just tell me that you’re in the front seat of that cop car and not the back.” She sounded like she was kidding, but I could hear genuine concern in her voice, which let me know she wanted some kind of real reassurance that things were under control. They were far from it but there was nothing she could do to help the situation from Colorado.
“I’m sitting shotgun. My dad’s a cop and we have a situation but we’re handling it. Chances are I’ll be able to hand Erikson over to you at the end of the day.”
She made a noise. “Hand him over alive, Church.”
That wasn’t a promise I could make. “I’ll be in touch.” I knew what was at stake here and there was no way I was going to be making a phone call to Dixie’s family telling them she hadn’t made it. I wasn’t going to let some lonely, crazy person take her from us. This was a war I was determined to win. I’d lost enough battles when it came to love and loss in my life.
I could hear the motor screaming over the noise of the sirens. I felt my heart drop and everything inside of me go still and on high alert.
“There’s a convoy of cop cars behind us. Where does he think he’s going to go?” I put a hand on the dash as the distance between me and my girl grew smaller and smaller in a dangerous way.
“I don’t think he’s thinking. Look at Dixie, she’s trying to tell him there’s nowhere for them to go.” Jules sounded tense as he bit the words out.
Her mouth was moving and her hands were curled around the steering wheel in a death grip. I could see the tear streaks on her face and I wanted to reach through space and time so I could wipe them away and tell her everything was going to be okay.
“You need to stop. He’s going to make her keep going. He has a finger on the trigger.” He was waving the gun around wildly and screaming at Dixie. She flinched but her eyes never left mine as the struggling sedan continued to thunder closer and closer.
“Think he’s got every intention of running into us whether we’re moving or not.” Jules started to slow the cruiser down but he was right. It was clear that he wasn’t going to let Dixie take her foot off the pedal. In fact, as the car slowed he jammed the gun so hard into the side of her temple that the action jerked her head to the side. I said her name even though she couldn’t hear me, but she must have seen it because her lips twitched.
She turned her head and looked at her captor. I couldn’t make out what she said but whatever it was it pissed the guy off. The gun waved around some more and then he held it in two hands as he pointed it right at her face.
I screamed her name again as she turned back to look at me. The sedan picked up speed again as her eyes locked on mine. Her lips moved slowly and deliberately. She mouthed the words I love you over and over again as my heart stopped and my soul tried to jump out of my body to stop her from doing whatever it was she was going to do. I couldn’t watch her sacrifice herself for me, even if that’s what she had been doing from the get-go.
“No!” I put my hands up and shook my head, but she kept repeating I love you and I heard it like she was yelling even though there was silence. The cruiser rolled into position horizontally across the road and I was out the door and on my feet running towards the oncoming car before the wheels stopped. I vaguely heard Jules yelling my name but all I could see was Dixie and her unfailing desire to save everyone but herself.
“I love you!” I screamed the words back at her but I had no clue if she heard or understood because the second the last word left my mouth she cranked the wheel as hard as she could to the side, which sent the quickly moving car careening wildly to the side of the road.
Traction was lost.
The overtaxed motor whirred.
Gravel and rocks kicked up and pelted me even though I didn’t feel them.
The front wheels hit the dip of the ditch and all it took was momentum and gravity to send the big machine end over end.
It felt like it flipped a thousand times. The sound of metal crunching and glass breaking was deafening. The smell of fuel and rubber burned my nose.
I was frozen to the spot in horror in the middle of the road as my worst nightmare played out before my eyes.
She’d called me a hero, and yet again I’d been unable to live up to the title. I couldn’t save her when she was so desperate to save me and everyone else she thought she could help. She was the one who was a hero and I almost hated her for it, but it was the fact I couldn’t not love her that finally had my feet moving as my body had no choice but to follow my heart towards the woman that owned every piece of it.