Chapter Thirteen
“This is the last box, Miss. Where would you like for me to put it?” Tyrell, one of the movers asked.
Esther’s new apartment was scattered with boxes with very little space left in the living room. Her couch was being delivered later in the day so she wanted to make room for when it arrived. “You can just stack it on top of that pile in the corner. And please hold up before you and your partner leave.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Esther grabbed her purse and pulled out three twenties. She’s already paid the moving company up front for their services, but the two movers they’d sent deserved a tip for all their hard work. They’d gotten her things out of storage and into her new place within a couple hours. She handed the bills to Tyrell. “Here you go, that’s for you and Joey. You guys were helpful.”
The mover grinned, revealing large white teeth. “Thank you so much. And I hope you’ll think of us should you need our services again. “
“Definitely.”
Once he was gone, Fiona came out of the kitchen sipping from a glass of water. “I got the kitchen stuff unpacked. I took the liberty of organizing it in your cabinets.”
“Fiona, you didn’t have to do that.”
“You know me well enough to have figured out that I don’t do anything I don’t want to. Besides, you have your work cut out for you with all these boxes. I still don’t see why you had to move.”
Esther patted her friend on the shoulder. “I already told you that I like living on my own. As fun as it was to live with you, I need to be by myself.”
“Well, I hope you don’t start isolating yourself from the world.”
“When would I get a chance to do that? I stay busy.”
“You sure do. You never mentioned how your trip to New York was.”
“Exhausting.” The production company Esther worked with had a series of commercials to shoot in the city and had required her services. Esther had ended up staying overnight because it was a two-day shoot. It was good to get away, especially after her encounter with Matthias. She hated the way things had to be between them but it was for the best. Now if only she could stop thinking about him morning, noon and night, things would be okay. “There was one actress who told me that she could do makeup better than I could because I made her look old, mind you, this lady swears she’s thirty but without makeup, she looks fifty. Makeup can only do so much.”
Fiona chuckled. “Oh my, how ever did you get that resolved?”
“I called her bluff and gave her my makeup kit. By the time she was finished she looked like a clown on a horror movie, but she wouldn’t admit she looked like a lunatic. So when the director took a look at her, he made her go back to me to fix it. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.”
“I didn’t realize you worked with such difficult people.”
Esther shrugged. “Actually, most of my clients are great. The ones who hire me themselves have always been pleasant to work with; it’s usually when I’m hired by a third party that I ever run into issues, which isn’t often. But it’s so few and far between that it doesn’t really bother me when the occasional problem crops up.”
“Where are you so far in getting your own line developed?”
When Esther had started her endeavor, she didn’t realize how much hard work went into it. But she was determined to see her dream come to fruition. “I’ve actually developed my first test samples and now we’re in the volunteer stage of the process. The chemist I’m working with needs a random sample of people with different skin types to test the products. They’d all be paid of course. It’s certainly more expensive doing it this way than testing on animals but I want to make my line as humane as possible.”
“That’s admirable.”
“And the most exciting thing happened to me the other day when I was coming out of your shop. I literally ran into this woman. I must not have been watching where I was going. Anyway, after I apologized to her profusely, she just brushed it off. She said she admired my makeup and asked me if I did it myself to which I answered yes. And then somehow we got to talking about what I do for a living and how I’m developing my own line of cosmetics. She seemed very interested and then she handed me her business card. You’d never guess, but she manages accounts at a small venture capitalist firm. She’s very interested in investing in my line. She said her assistant would be in touch to set up an appointment. This is like a dream come true, honestly, I’ve put a lot of money in this venture and I could really use the financial assistance.”
“That sounds exciting, dear, but you know I could have loaned you the money. I have enough of it courtesy of my ex-husbands.”
“Fiona, you know I could never take money from you after you’ve already done so much. Anyway, I want to say I did this on my own without relying on you so much.”
“It would be a loan, so it’s not like I’d be giving you the money free and clear.”
Esther pursed her lips to show her disbelief. Fiona was generous to a fault, and would have given the money to Esther as a loan and then promptly forgiven it. Esther couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to her friend. “I’m very appreciative of your offer, Fiona, but I think I’ll go this route.”
“That’s admirable of you.” The older woman looked around. “Looks like we have our work cut out for us with all this unpacking.”
“I know, but Holly said she’d be by later to help out. That was really sweet of her to offer her help.” Holly and Esther had become friendly from Esther’s many visits to the shop. Holly was a sweet girl and a hard worker. “Maybe when she gets here we can order take out because I don’t exactly know when my couch will arrive, but I was given a window of time when the delivery should get here.”
“That is the worst, being held hostage for an item you purchased.”
“True. But we’ll be here for most of the day. Thank goodness this place comes with electricity, heating, and is cable-ready. That was definitely a headache I don’t want to deal with.
Fiona frowned. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“That buzzing sound. I’ve been hearing it all morning and I don’t know where it’s coming from.”
Esther paused to listen. “I hear it too.” She walked around the apartment to investigate the source. She noticed her purse was vibrating and then it came to her. “Oh, it must be my business cell phone. I usually have it on silent most of the time.”
“Well, it must be urgent because someone really wants to get in touch with you.”
Esther answered her business line when she had free time but for the most part, she checked the voicemail and called back if it was a serious inquiry. Out of curiosity, she dug through her purse and retrieved her phone. “Who the heck is this?” She muttered under her breath when she noticed she’d had several missed calls from the same number. She didn’t know who that number belonged to but she hoped they’d left a voicemail. She scanned through the list of numbers that had messages attached to him and sure enough, her mysterious caller was there.
She punched in her code and retrieved this message.
“I hope I’m calling the right number but I came across your business card but I believed you’re my sister. This is your brother David. I know it’s been years since we’ve last spoken, but Josiah, Malachi and I would really like to see you. Mama has passed and Josiah, Malachi and I wanted to let you know that services for her home-going service will be this coming Thursday. We’d like to hear from you. And if you’re wondering if we harbor any ill will toward you, we don’t. The Lord would want us to forgive and I just want you to know we forgive you.” There was a click on the other end.
Her mother was dead. Esther wasn’t sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, that was the woman who had given birth to her. On the other, it was also the first person who had ever told her she was a worthless nobody. Her mother, who claimed to be a woman of Christ, had been an abusive, mean-spirited monster.
Fiona walked over to Esther and placed her hand on her shoulder. “Is everything all right, dear? You seemed to have lost all your color as you were listening to that voicemail.”
Esther licked her now dry lips before answering. “That was…my brother David. I haven’t heard from him in years, not since I left my mother’s house. Somehow he got a hold of one of my business cards which is why he called that number. He wanted to inform me that my mother died and her service is coming up.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” She gave Esther a sad frown. “I know you mentioned that you didn’t have the best relationship with her, but how do you feel about her dying?”
“Honestly? I don’t feel anything. Does that sound bad? I mean she was my mother but she taught me to hate myself. What kind of mother does that? She never once told me she loved me or that she was proud of me. There have been so many days and nights I would lie awake in bed and wonder what I’d done to make my own mother hate me. But once I realized I wasn’t going to take her any more of her abuse I left. That was the day I made peace with the fact that she would never love me as a mother should love a daughter and I just had to be okay with that or I would lose my sanity. I’ve rarely thought about her since I left. But here’s the kicker: in the message, my brother says that he harbors no ill will toward me and that he forgives me for what I did.”
Fiona lifted a red brow that matched her hair. “Forgive you? What exactly does he think you did that would warrant his forgiveness?”
“My only guess would be leaving our mother. You see, after her second husband left her, she became even more insufferable than she had been before. She fell ill but I was always kept in the dark as to what that illness was. I was basically forced to be her caretaker while my brothers were allowed to make lives for themselves. I guess they felt guilty enough to each send me money for Mom’s care and our household expenses. But beyond that, they never lifted a finger to help me. That’s basically how it’s been with them growing up. They saw what our parents did to me, but none of them stepped up or defended me. Most of the time, they treated me like an annoyance or with condescension.” The more Esther thought about it, the angrier she grew. Where did David get off telling her that he forgave her as if she’d committed some big crime for not wanting to be shit on again?
“That was certainly a ballsy statement of him to make.” Fiona shook her head.
“He’s his father’s son.” Esther didn’t bother hiding the bitterness in her tone.
“So…are you going to go?”
“No. I don’t owe them my presence. I see no point in paying my respects to a dead person I didn’t respect when they were alive. My parents were rotten people and it took me a very long time to realize that. They made me feel worthless and unwanted. After my father died, my mother was particularly vicious. She said and did things to me that no mother should ever say to their child. I swear there were days when she made me fear for my life. There was this one time when I was cooking dinner, and there was a pot of greens on the stove. Mind you, the stove was still on and the greens were in extremely hot water. She looked at them and said I didn’t clean them well enough so she took the entire pot and threw it all me, scalding my skin. It was cold that day so I was wearing a couple layers of clothing, but it burned me so bad that it left scars on my chest. I fell on the floor screaming and crying. I kept saying it felt like I was dying because it hurt so badly. So then she said to me, “Good, go ahead and die.” And then she walked away.” Esther wiped a tear that slid down her cheek.
Fiona took Esther into her arms. “You poor dear. If your parents were still alive, I’d kick their butts myself. You have to know that what they did to you wasn’t your fault. They sound like very warped people who had their own issues to deal with.”
Esther sniffed. “I know it wasn’t my fault. At first, I didn’t but I eventually came to that conclusion after a while. I just wish I would have realized that before I met Mike. They’re the reason I fell for someone like him in the first place. I didn’t realize how starved for love I was until he came along. And because I’d never had the love and support of a functional family, I didn’t see past the façade he’d presented. Mike might have broken me, but they had certainly laid the groundwork.”
“And what about your brothers? You don’t really talk much about them. Would you consider attending your mother’s funeral for their sakes?”
Esther pulled out of Fiona’s embrace and shook her head. “No. If I saw my brothers again, I wouldn’t know what to say to any of them. In a way, they were worse than my parents.”
“How so?”
“Do you ever see stories on the news about horrific events happening while a bunch of people look on, and if just one of those people had stood up, the tragedy could have been averted? Well, that’s kind of how it was like with my brothers. They knew what my parents did to me and all the horrible things they’d say. But none of them did anything about it. And I get they were also under my parents’ thumbs, but not once did any of them reach out to comfort me or offer to make things better. They basically participated in my shunning. And I have to admit, I resented the hell out of the fact that they all got to move on with their lives while I was stuck taking care of my mother who was apparently suffering from some mysterious ailment. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if she had been faking the illness just to make me stay and take her abuse. I suspect they felt that way too, but still allowed me to be the sacrificial lamb. So no. I’m perfectly happy severing ties with every single one of them.”
“That might be for the best. Sweetheart, I was wondering if you ever considered going to a therapist about all you’ve been through. I can’t pretend that while you were staying with me you didn’t wake up in the middle of the night screaming. And they weren’t just regular screams. It was pure terror.”
“I’ve read a lot of self-help books and meditated.”
“That can only take you so far. Just consider it. It can’t hurt.”
Esther shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
Fiona patted Esther’s shoulder. “That’s all I ask. So…”
Esther raised a brow. “So…what?”
“What are you going to do about Matthias?”
“Nothing.” She walked over to a stack of boxes and started opening them to distract herself. Somehow Esther knew Fiona would steer the conversation in this direction and still she wasn’t prepared.
“He’s been by the shop every day this week, for a cup of tea and a slice of lemon cake.”
“Well, if he’s there for the purpose of seeing me, he’s wasting his time. He’s aware that I don’t work there anymore.” She spoke with a nonchalance she didn’t feel.
“But you stop by often enough. Maybe he’s hoping that the two of you run into each other.”
Now that she knew that was what he was doing, Esther made a mental note to stop visiting Fiona’s shop during business hours to avoid an unexpected run-in. She couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just let things be. No good could come of the two of them getting back together. “I already saw him.” She pulled decorations for the room.
“Really? You never mentioned it.”
“Because it wasn’t important.”
“Not important? Girl, it’s obvious the man is still crazy for you. What happened?”
“I’d rather not discuss it.”
“You know, I was hesitant about him seeing you at first as well because you’d already been through so much, and I didn’t know what his intentions were. I was a little perturbed with him because he wouldn’t listen to me back then when I tried to tell him that things weren’t as they seemed. But then when I sat down with him, I saw that he wasn’t angry with you, he just wanted to know why you never told him. It’s clear that man is still in love with you and I think you may still love him too.”
“You’re making a lot of assumptions based on a hunch.”
“Come off of it, Esther. I was there when you were screaming in the middle of the night. But as I rocked you to sleep, Matthias’s name would be on your tongue and a smile would be on your face. You still have feelings for him.”
“It was just dreams. You’re making this into more than it actually is.”
“If I’m making mountains out of molehills, then why are you so defensive when I bring up his name?”
“Leave it alone, Fiona,” Esther said through clenched teeth, more than a little irritated that her friend was hitting a nerve.
“You deserve to be happy, Esther.”
“I am happy!” she said louder than she intended. “I have my own place, a business and I thought I had a friend who respects my wishes. I said leave it alone!”
Fiona turned bright red. “Well, uh…okay dear. I won’t bring it up again.”
Esther pinched the bridge of her nose to release the pressure building up in her head. She took several calming deep breaths before she was able to speak with a more even tone. She had hurt Fiona which wasn’t her intention. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I skipped breakfast this morning and I’m a bit cranky.”
“Of course, dear. How about I start working on the bathroom?” Fiona didn’t wait for Esther to reply before heading to the back.
Esther leaned against the wall, defeated. It was true that she still loved Matthias but it was best that they stayed apart. Telling him about the years of abuse she’d suffered was one thing, but if he knew everything, he would eventually be disgusted by her. And she didn’t think she could bear that. She was already broken, but bearing Matthias’s hate would completely destroy her.