“Mom?”
My phone began ringing not long after my standoff with whatever-her-name-was, so I didn’t have much time to dwell on how embarrassed I should be. Grabbing it, I moved out to the hallway and huddled against a locker with my finger in my ear so I could hear her.
“Yeah! Hey, honey. How was your day at school?” She didn’t wait for my answer. “Listen, something’s come up. Nothing bad, but your father and I are staying in the city tonight. We’ll go to work like normal tomorrow, and then pick Robbie up for the weekend. We’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”
Oh.
I felt someone standing behind me, and I knew it was Ryan before I looked. I was attuned to his presence.
I turned to face him, still leaning against the locker, and put my other finger in my ear. “You aren’t coming home at all tonight?”
His eyes lit up.
I rolled mine, knowing what he had on his mind.
“Yes. I mean, no, and Mackenzie, please be good. Please, please, please, no Ryan in your bed tonight.”
Wait—what was she saying? I leaned forward. “But he can stay over?”
I heard a long sigh from her end. “I really wish you’d make some female friends, but yes. Ryan can stay over as long as he doesn’t sleep with you and there’s no sex. Got it?”
I gave him a thumbs-up. “Yes. We got it. No sex, and he won’t sleep in my bed.”
Ryan was grinning when I hung up. “We’re sleeping in the basement then?”
“Hell yeah.”
He tugged me in for a kiss.
I let myself get lost for a few seconds before pulling away. My anger was still raw from the gym confrontation, but his touch helped calm the edges. I didn’t feel so much like a combustible balloon—one prick and I’d explode.
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
For making me feel sane again. “For not looking at me like I have two heads.” I started to pull away, not wanting to see his response, but he tugged me back.
A fierce look filled his eyes. “Hey,” he said softly. “I get it. Okay? You’ve only had words with a few girls. Kirk and I trolled for actual fights some weekends. It was stupid, and bad—really bad.”
A slice of fear went through me at the thought of Ryan in a fight. “Were you hurt?”
His grin turned lopsided. “That was kinda the point.”
“Did your parents know?”
He nodded. “I couldn’t hide the evidence, but I stopped. Peach looked traumatized every time she saw me afterward. I couldn’t do it after a while.”
I was shaken by the thought, but I remembered how it had felt to square off against the girls in the gym. Flames started flickering, warming me. It was almost addictive, and so simple. Hurt or be hurt. Those were the options, and both were an escape from what I didn’t want to feel.
I shuddered, feeling it starting to burn again. “Let’s go.” Before I go in search of another fight.
I didn’t feel Willow beside me, but I heard her. And you always thought I was stupid for fighting. You get the appeal now? You can forget yourself . . .
They were her parting words as I walked away.
We went through a drive-thru for a couple of burgers. Ryan pulled up to the window and started fishing for his wallet to pay, but an older guy replaced the food attendant at the window. He shook his head, holding out the bag of food. “Not for you. Your food is always free during basketball season.”
Ryan grimaced. “No. Thank you, but I’d rather pay, sir.”
“I won’t hear of it.” He held the bag out and shook it a little. “I know you’re going to take us to the championships again. This is an easy payoff. Take the food, Jensen.”
I could tell Ryan was reluctant, but he took the bag. “Thank you.”
The man nodded before pulling his arm back inside and letting the window close behind him.
Ryan didn’t move forward, not at first. His head bent forward, the bag in one hand and his money in his other. “Fuck it,” he growled.
There was a donation box for a children’s hospital past the window, and Ryan stuffed the entire wad of cash inside before heading out.
I didn’t say anything, only took the food from him so he didn’t keep squeezing the bag. I understood—Willow was the artistic star, and Robbie is a genius. I understood the special favors that came their way because they were that: special.
“I know it may seem stupid, but—”
I cut him off. “I get it. I’ve seen it happen time after time with Willow and Robbie.”
People like people who are deemed gifted, which was a good thing, but there were consequences to that too.
“It’s starting. I like getting free shit, but after a while, there are hooks inside you, and you never know when someone’s going to pull one.” He paused at a stoplight and looked over. “Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.” I said it lightly, but I knew how he felt. I saw it tear Willow apart some days. “People give you things and are nice to you, and it’s wonderful at first, but there can be strings attached.”
“Exactly.” He rubbed at his chest. “You start to owe so many people that you lose yourself. It’s a weird feeling, and I feel like a dumbass bitching about it. There’s a reason I’m getting the free shit. I shouldn’t be complaining too much.”
“No.” I turned toward the window, lost in thought. “I get it. I do.”
Was that what Willow had been feeling?
Did she feel pulled in too many directions? Did she feel like she owed too many people? Or did that add to the problem?
“You okay?” Ryan asked.
“What?”
We had started to drive again, but Ryan was skirting looks at me. “Did I lose you just now?”
“Sorry. I . . .”
I needed to talk about her. I knew I did, but the words weren’t there. I could think them. I could feel them, but the idea of saying them aloud filled me with dread.
I shook my head, turning back to the window. “No. I was thinking about something else. I hear you, though. Too many people wanting something from you can make you lose yourself.”