Bouncing basketballs sounded like a thunderstorm—with whistles shrieking, tennis shoes squeaking against the gym floor, and a whole ton of yelling. The smell of sweat filled the room, but someone had propped open the double doors so fresh air circulated through, along with the sound of dance music being played somewhere down the hall.
I’d gone to the bathroom and saw some of the dance team practicing a routine near my locker.
There were a lot of students out and about in the school, but I was one of the only audience members for basketball practice. The coach came in, saw me, and started to protest. I saw how his shoulders tensed, and he scowled, but Ryan ran over, with Nick and another guy hot on his heels. They talked to their coach and after a bit, his shoulders relaxed and the scowl flattened to a firm line of disapproval. He said something to Ryan, who nodded and ran back to his place for drills.
I went back to my homework, not making a peep, and finally practice ended.
The guys stayed around for a scrimmage game, and I sat and marveled at how damn good Ryan was. He’d been the first to finish the drills. He’d given the calls.
I mean, I could be biased, but he seemed to be the best at shooting, and he worked the hardest.
Wachowitz, on the other hand, was dragging. He’d been lagging behind half the team since the middle of practice. He missed a pass, and after he missed another, one of his teammates yelled for him to tag out.
He did just that, and the game kept going.
“Can I sit?”
I turned, surprised that I hadn’t noticed anyone coming up the bleachers, and saw Cora pointing to the seat beneath me.
I nodded. “Sure.” I moved down a little, giving her some space.
She sat, straddling the bench so one foot was next to mine and the other was below her. She watched the court. “I always forget how good Ryan is until I see him.”
“Really?”
She nodded, her gaze solemn.
We watched the game for a moment. Ryan’s teammates cut across the gym, and he passed to one of them. The toss was so fast that the ball was in his teammate’s hands before he blinked.
She sighed. “Just get ready. It’s about to be insane, especially with you being Ryan’s girlfriend.”
“What do you mean?”
She looked to me, almost reluctantly pulling her gaze from the court. “Ryan’s nice and humble, not arrogant. People forget how good he is until the season starts. But they remember real quick. Friday night, after our first game, it’s going to be insane. Girls will be throwing themselves at him nonstop.”
Lovely. Willow had slowly stopped talking to me over the last two months, but I might have to pull out some of my inner Willow for this. Bitches might have to go down.
And as soon as I thought that, I was tired.
I was tired of the fighting, tired of the cattiness, tired of the way some girls seemed to hate each other just because.
“Don’t you get sick of it all?”
“What?” Cora frowned at me.
I glanced over and saw that she wasn’t the only one who’d come into the gymnasium once practice ended. A whole bunch of others had congregated beside the bleachers. Erin, her friends, Peach, some of the popular senior girls. There were guys with them too—half were talking to the girls, and the others shouldered past the group to sit on the first row of the bleachers.
I gestured to the group forming. “What you were saying—all the girls, all the fighting.”
She stared at them and raised a shoulder. “I don’t know. I don’t really get an option, you know?” She turned back. “I feel like I have to fight just to have my friends notice me.”
“Not Kirk.”
She threw me a look, half rolling her eyes. “He noticed me because you told me not to give a shit. I didn’t, and he came right over, but it hasn’t been like that since. I give a shit. I don’t know how not to. I’m not at the top of the food chain. I mean, look at him.” She gestured to Kirk, who had his arm around Erin. His face was bent toward her neck, like he was nuzzling her, and she laughed. “He flirts with everyone, makes out with everyone—”
“Not when you’re around.”
She gave me another one of those “are you serious” looks. “I’m around right now.”
“Bet he hasn’t seen you yet.” I flashed her a grin and hollered, “Kirk! Up here.”
“Mackenzie!” she hissed under her breath.
Too late.
Kirk lifted his head, saw us, and a broad smile lit up his face. His arm dropped from Erin’s shoulders. She shot me a scathing look as Kirk left her side and came darting up the bleachers to where we sat.
He dropped down next to Cora, straddling the bench like she was. She could’ve leaned back into him, and he eyed her backside like that was what he wanted.
“I didn’t see you guys up here,” he drawled. “What are you doing?”
Cora stiffened, pointing to me. “She’s waiting for Rya—”
“I’m talking to you. I know what Malcolm’s doing here.” His eyes were steady on her.
I saw her blush; it traveled up her neck to her cheeks.
“I’m talking to Mackenzie,” she said quietly.
“Interested in going somewhere and talking to me?”
Cora’s eyes were glued to mine, and they widened. I watched as she sucked in her breath.
“What?” It came out as a strangled squeak.
Kirk snorted, moving up behind her so there was no point in her not leaning against him. If she didn’t want to be touching him, she would have to move forward. She didn’t.
He ducked his head so his lips could find her shoulder. “You heard me.”
Another strangled sound came from her. She still didn’t look at him, but she wasn’t moving.
Kirk’s eyes flicked up to mine in confusion.
The buzzer sounded, ending the scrimmage game. I nodded to Ryan, who was walking over to his bench. “I’ll be taking off with him in a minute,” I told them. “Go. Hang out. Have fun.”
Kirk’s grin widened. “Yeah. What she said. Let’s hang out and have fun.”
Cora was so stiff that when she nodded, it came out looking like a robot. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s hang out.”
“Great.” Kirk was up on his feet, pulling her with him. “Tell your boy I’ll call him later,” he told me. He tugged Cora behind him, though she couldn’t seem to stop looking at me. Her mouth hung open.
I waved at her, and when Kirk turned around, I gave her two thumbs-up instead. Have fun, I mouthed.
She flipped me the bird, but she was grinning.
I chuckled to myself.
The bleachers moved underneath me, and I looked up again. Ryan was loping up the seats, but he stopped and turned in the direction Kirk and Cora had disappeared.
“Did I see what I think I saw?” he asked.
“You think he’ll hurt her?”
He looked at me, his eyebrows shooting up. “They leaving to mess around or something?”
I frowned. Was he clueless? “They’re holding hands.”
“Kirk holds hands with every girl.” He thought about that and growled, “Except you. He better never touch you.”
That made me feel good. “If she likes him, you think that’s a bad thing?”
He sat next to me, straddling so one knee was touching mine and his other knee was behind me. He was sweaty and smelly, but neither mattered. I felt myself calming, just having him this close, and I was startled to realize I hadn’t even known I wasn’t calm until he touched me.
I relaxed into him, and he pulled me close. “I don’t know. Kirk always had a thing for Cora growing up.”
“He did? When did that stop?”
He didn’t answer right away, and I turned to look at him more fully. He was suppressing a grin.
“When she started liking me.”
I swatted his knee. “And you pretended to play dumb, didn’t you?”
He shrugged, pressing a kiss to my shoulder. “I never liked Cora like that, but she never said anything. I would have been an asshole if I’d told her straight up not to like me.”
“There were little ways you could’ve set her straight.”
“I did. I dated other girls. I emphasized that she and I were friends, but that’s all over.” He hugged me close. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I felt his voice through his chest to me as he spoke, “Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a good thing. I think Kirk actually does like her.”
I was starting not to care, being in his arms.
“Ryan!”
And I was back to caring.
I looked down. Erin was waving at us—at him—wildly enough that her shirt rode up, showing off her midriff. I felt a growl forming, and Ryan bit back a laugh.
He nipped my shoulder. “Easy now.”
“Right.” I locked eyes with him. “Imagine me saying that to you about Wachowitz two hours ago.”
He winced. “Sorry.” Lifting his head, he called out, “What, Erin?”
She stiffened. That hadn’t been the inviting tone she wanted, but she pushed out her chest anyway. “A bunch of us are going for pizza. You want to come?”
I waited to be included in the invite, but it didn’t happen.
A full growl erupted, and I surged to my feet. “You did not do that, did you?”
I wasn’t waiting. I started down where she was, and Erin squeaked, backing up.
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I wasn’t going to let the insult stand.
“Hey.” One of her friends backed up in front of her like she was going to block me. She waved her hands in the air. “Come on, Mackenzie.”
I ignored her. I ignored everyone watching us, and I really ignored how I knew I was overreacting. But this was a personal affront.
How could I not react?
I went right up to Erin, and I kept going until she was backed against the gym wall. I slammed my hands against the wall beside her, trapping her.
My eyes were dead. I couldn’t see myself, but I knew they were. I was channeling all the anger, grief, and sadness inside me, everything I’d started to suppress. I let it all up to the surface and turned every ounce of it on her.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
She gulped, not daring to look away. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
“You ask your ex out for pizza while he’s sitting right next to his girlfriend? When I’m right in front of you. What’d you think I was going to do?”
I felt Willow snort beside me. It’s because you’ve been nice. She’s forgetting the crazy in you.
Fine. I’d let her see how crazy I was, and I pulled back the last remaining wall. I let her see the girl who cyberstalked her dad’s mistress (well, who I thought was his mistress) and showed up at her house. I let her see the girl who’d been talking, seeing, feeling, smelling her dead sister, and I let her see the girl who had yet to talk about what it was like to find her sister in her own pile of blood. That girl had never been let out, yet.
I let her see the darkness in me.
Erin had almost shrunk in half, starting to ball up, but I wasn’t letting her go.
This was an insane scene. I was causing it, and I knew people were recording it on their phones. They’d talk about what a lunatic I was, probably talk about how Ryan deserved better, but I didn’t give a shit. I meant what I’d said to Cora—you couldn’t care. Once you did, they had you.
Are you really fighting them? It wasn’t only Willow’s voice in my head. It was Robbie’s. It was my dad’s. It was my mom’s. It was mine.
Maybe not. Maybe I was fighting myself.
Maybe I was fighting something else entirely.
“I don’t know, okay?” Erin yelled, throwing her hands wide and shoving me back.
I gave a step, but I didn’t flinch. I didn’t even feel it. I knew it happened because I heard the crowd gasp behind me.
“I don’t know. All right?” She was heaving, her hands in the air, and she stormed at me.
I didn’t move.
Not one goddamn inch.
She could’ve hit me, but she backed up at the last second.
I smiled. “You’re a fucking liar. You know exactly why you did that, and you’re lying about it right now.”
“What? Are you going to hit me?”
I contemplated her question, my head moving to the side. “No, but if you hit me again, yes.”
She paled at my words. I didn’t think she knew she’d hit me.
“What do you want, Mackenzie?” She shoved some of her hair from her face.
“I want you not to hit on my boyfriend in front of me, or at all. I want you to stop thinking I’ll take it. It isn’t even him. You come after anyone I care about, I’m going to say something.” I narrowed my eyes, moving a step closer to her. “I’m going to fight you, whether it’s physical or verbal or mental. I’ve been through hell, so I have no problem reaching up and pulling you down with me. If you’re looking for a girl to bully or intimidate, it isn’t me.”
She should’ve known this, but apparently she really had forgotten. It’d been months since our last real exchange. Or maybe she forgot in the rush of basketball? Cora had warned me, and maybe I was setting the precedent. Go after Ryan and expect a fight. No. That wasn’t me. Girls would hit on him. If he indulged, that was his decision. I’d walk then. I wouldn’t fight that, but this was a different situation.
“Was it even about him?” I asked her.
“What?”
“Just now. Did you really want Ryan to go for pizza with you? Or was it about me?”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course, it was about you.” Her eyes moved past me, and I saw the group of senior girls standing there. “They dared me to ask Ryan for pizza and not include you.”
They were testing me.
I kept my eyes narrowed and took a step toward them. “You’ll have to excuse me,” I called. “I’ve been preoccupied since coming to Portside. I have no clue who the ‘leader’ is here.”
The girls were shocked, their mouths hanging open, except for one.
She pushed forward and pushed her hair over her shoulder. “I guess that’s me.”
“You have a problem with me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because of Kirk.”
I was dumbfounded. “What?”
She exchanged looks with her friends before turning back to me. “He was talking to us.”
“His arm was around her.” I gestured to Erin.
She huffed and then shrugged. “But I was the one he was talking to.”
“You’re pissed at me because I called him over.”
No. As she was talking to me, she kept looking at Ryan. This fight wasn’t about Kirk. This fight was about Ryan. Cora’s warning might’ve been more realistic than I realized.
“You are what’s wrong,” I said.
“Say again?” I saw the storm building in her eyes.
“You’re what’s wrong. You’re saying this is about Kirk, but I think you’re full of bullshit. You’re going at me, and you’re sending Ryan looks this whole time. This is about him, and why? Your ego is bruised because he isn’t with you? Is that the problem?”
She shook her head. “You are unreal. You have no clue who—”
I stepped right into her face. There was an inch between us, and she stopped talking. I waited, watching as she struggled against moving back, but she didn’t. She knew how this game went.
I was in her space. I could feel Willow riling up next to me. She used to live for this stuff, and a bleak part of me thought to her, You’ve been silent for almost two months, and now you’re back?
I’m here because you need me here.
“You think you’re going to win?” snapped this girl, smirking. She’d been at the pool party at Ryan’s house, and later at Kirk’s after we skipped. “I have friends. We can make your life miserable—”
“Do it.” I included her friends, sweeping a look over all of them. “Cyberbully me. Text me whore, skank, whatever other fucking stupid words you can find that are beneath you. Do it. Send it to me. Call my house. Whisper to my mom about how she should wish her second twin would kill herself too.”
I felt their surprise at those words. But I’d said it before. I knew it was out. They knew about Willow.
“Send me the emails about how I should die. Slice my tires. Slice my mom’s tires. Write loser on my locker. Do all of it. I will fucking eat everything up. I will record your calls. I will screenshot your tweets. I will save every fucking email and forward it to our principal. I will turn every goddamn thing you do to me back on you threefold. I will make it so you bury yourselves until you’re the ones getting called to the principal’s office, where you’ll hope the best thing that happens is being expelled. Do it.”
I hated them in that second.
I hated what they stood for.
I hated what they did.
But it wasn’t really them I hated, not even a tiny bit.
Erin wouldn’t step up to the plate. Cora backed down right away. Even Peach had expressed her sympathy, but these girls—they were worth the fight.
I wanted this fight. I could breathe it in. It could be my purpose for living. But none of them replied, and I glimpsed Ryan in the back corner. I locked eyes with him, and just like that, the rage drained from me.
It left me weak, and shame bloomed in my chest.
I felt tears coming to my eyes, and I turned away.
It wasn’t them I wanted to fight.