I’ve never been to Paris. Hell, I’ve never left New York. My excitement is starting to get to me as I begin tossing clothes into the various suitcases and bags I have strewn all over my penthouse apartment. Anxiety is real and anytime I have something big or exciting going on, I feel like I want to hide in my closet from the world.

I love this place. When my long lost sister Seven asked me to join her and her family when they moved back to Manhattan from upstate New York right after we met, and James threw me away like a piece of trash, I jumped on it. I was over the moon when I found out I actually had a blood relative in this world besides my mother. I wouldn’t take advantage of it that was for sure. But, she spoils me, and I know I don’t really deserve any of it. But, shit. I grew up in a small shitty house with a single mother. I always wanted shit I couldn’t have, and while my mom did her damnedest to bust her ass and provide for me, it was never enough for me to be accepted at school. I was always an outsider, still am.

I guess by the time I hit high school I had just been beaten down so many times over the years that I was over trying to fit in. You can only be called so many names before you start to believe you really are a homely piece of shit. I’ve never been the tallest or prettiest. I never had the nicest clothes or new shoes… until I went to college and started my blog.

I laugh because it seems like everyone Seven surrounds herself with are a bunch of outsiders. Star has always danced to the beat of her own drum, and I really wish I could be a little more like her. Paisley, her younger sister, ran for the hills with one of the guys from the MC long before I got here. They live somewhere in the south where Diesel, her husband, runs a chapter of the Hell’s Renegades. Then there are the guys from the club. They are all misfits in their own right. No families, no real stories, at least to strangers like me. They are a collection of nomads that they’ve turned into a family of their own. Blood doesn’t make always make a family.

I’ve written about all the clothes I wish I could have had over the years. All the styles I loved, and would pair together. It got me somewhere now that Seven James, one of the most powerful women in the business sector, is my sister. That somewhere being fashion week in Paris. I just wish Seven could actually leave behind her company for a couple days to make the trip with me. Sad, huh? I should be begging the man I am supposed to be marrying to vacation with me. Instead, he is barely a thought.

“You are going for a week, not a year.” Pierce walks into the bedroom and laughs at the mess I’ve made.

“I have some bad news for you, love,” he says, walking up behind me and wrapping his arms around my middle. Something about his touch reminds me of Ryker’s arms around me just last night. Shit!

“Bad news? I don’t like the sound of that.” Secretly I hope he can’t get enough time off from work to come on my trip. The offer had always remained, but he never comes through for anything I want to do anyways, so I didn’t expect this to be a first. I need the space; I need time to myself to figure my life out. He’s always around, and our relationship has just gone too fast. I am just too nice to put the brakes on it. He is a genuinely nice guy, and I know he would treat me like a queen for the rest of my life but there is something missing. Chemistry.

“I can’t come to Paris. My schedule just got crazy, and I tried to get Seven to find someone else from the board to cover the meetings but no one else will.” He lets out an exaggerated sigh.

“I really wanted to come, I haven’t seen enough of you lately,” he adds. I want to laugh because he is really the only person I actually see on a daily basis. I shouldn’t complain about that considering we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. In truth, the sheer thought of it scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel like I am being smothered. I’ll never be able to live like that. I am just too nice to put a stop to it all.

“It’s okay. I will just transfer your ticket into Quinn’s name and she can come as my assistant.” I really am relieved. I almost want to thank my sister for throwing a crazy workload at him right now.

“She really wanted to come anyway. We’ll make it a best friends' trip. We’ve never had the chance to do anything cool like this together.” I turn and give him a small and super fucking fake smile.

His green eyes look relieved, his chin length black hair is shaggy and in need of a good wash. I hate when it gets like this at the end of the day. Truth be told, I wish I could shave his head in the middle of the night. I think back to when we first started dating two months ago. Seven set us up and I was still having nasty nightmares at the time. We became quick friends, but I struggled seeing us as more than friends. I still do, which is why I know I really need to put an end to all of this. The thought of hurting him or anyone else literally makes me sick. It’s the people pleaser inside of me. I think it came from the need for more love and attention from my mother but I never put too much thought into it long term. I get it, I’m fucked up.

It sucks because that is still how I see him today. Don’t get me wrong, I love Pierce to death and I know he is a good guy. He just isn’t the good guy for me and I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess without hurting his feelings and losing someone who has become damn near my best friend.

“When you get back we can work on finalizing the wedding plans. We only have about six weeks until the wedding. I know you’ve got a lot of stuff knocked out but the final details are needed by the wedding planner.” My anxiety kicks up and I feel a panic attack coming on. I get like this every time he even mentions the word wedding. Hearing it come from his mouth makes me want to run. I keep trying to put everything off. It is happening too fast.

“Yeah, when I get back I’ll deal with all of that.” Or I will just never come back from Paris like the fuckin’ coward I am, I think to myself. I’m a shitty person. I know it and I feel like everyone on the street can see right through me day in and day out now. Ever since the night with Ryker.

“I’m going to head home. I have a report to put together and I left my laptop battery at the office. I will come by in the morning and see you before the car comes to pick you up for the airport. Okay, love?” Love. Love. I hate it when he calls me love. Shit. I can’t concentrate on anything he is saying. I just keep picking out all the bad. I keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

I’m a bad person. I’m a disgusting person. I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve him. I turn around with a fake smile plastered on my face. I learned it from the best — my sister. “I’ll see you in the morning, Pierce.”

“Forty-five days!” he sings as he walks out the front door of the penthouse. His annoying countdown to the wedding I need to call off. I wish I knew how. I wish there was a greeting card you could send to your fiancé to break off a wedding. Do they make those?

Sorry, love. I cheated on you because I’m infatuated with a man I can never have. I think you are a great friend but I just can’t marry you. Can we still be friends? Shit!

The door to my penthouse opens and closes and I peer around the corner.

“He looked happy. Sex must be good, huh?” My big sister Seven laughs as she pulls her dark hair up into a knot on top of her head. Her youngest daughter Willow sits in one of those fancy car seat carrier things on the floor at her feet. She drops her Coach diaper bag onto the floor with a thud.

“Actually…” I trail off debating whether or not to tell Seven about our sexless relationship. Something about him wanting to wait until marriage, which totally isn’t cool with me because I’ve always felt like… you have to test drive the car before you purchase it. Or is that a dude thing to say?

“We haven’t had sex,” I blurt instead. Seven’s gasp is loud as it bounces off the bare walls of my living room. Her hand flies to her mouth with genuine shock. I want to laugh at her reaction, but I stand there stone-faced. I can’t react to it.

“Wait… so you agreed to marry him without a test ride?” It’s like she knew exactly what I was thinking. She has always had a way with words. I have to admit, it is really nice to have a sister as an adult, considering I grew up as an only child. I always dreamt of a day when my father would walk back into my life and say how much he loves me and wished he had been there my whole childhood. But that never happened because he already had a family, and a wife, and whatever fucked up hippy life they were all living.

A little over nine months ago I learned about Seven James, the sister I never knew I had until I finally went looking for the man I would soon decide to call a sperm donor. There was nothing father-like about him. Saying my relationship with Seven had a rough start would be an understatement. Some crazy bitch ended up kidnapping me to get back at Seven. Yeah, because I’m worth some kind of quality ransom. That is how I met Ryker. He rescued me with his MC. He took care of me. He was the only person there for me when I needed Seven, and all the people I consider family today. Except they were busy holding vigil at Seven’s hospital bedside after she was hit by a car. At the end of the day, it is all a really long story that isn’t worth getting into; all that matters is where we are today, and that is close. A close family.

Our lives are complicated. Calm but complicated these days, but it doesn’t change the fact that we had a bumpy start to being sisters.

“Pierce wanted to wait,” I add without sounding like too much of a push over. “Seven, can we talk about the wedding and stuff?” I need to get this all off my chest. I need to confide in someone and Quinn won’t be here until tomorrow morning when we take the long flight to Paris.

“I’m all ears, kiddo,” she chirps pulling Willow out of the carrier and settling in to nurse her daughter with her feet kicked up on my white sofa. Only Seven could whip her tits out and not blink an eye. Every time she does this I try and look everywhere but at her. Awkward!

“I need to call the wedding off.” I don’t realize how flat and emotionless the statement sounds until I replay my words in my head.

“Cold feet?” she asks without missing a beat. I wish I could consider the mess I’ve gotten myself into a simple case of cold feet.

“Something like that. I just… Seven, it’s rushed, and not right. I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to spend all this money on this wedding when I don’t want it to happen anyway. I need to call it off.” I am just grasping for excuses. Money seems like a good one at this moment.

“So it’s about money?”

“It’s about everything. I was in love with the idea of being in love. But I’m not. I’m not in love with Pierce. He is head over heels in love with me, and I just don’t feel the same way. Marriage is supposed to be a big deal, something little girls dream about their whole lives… this… everything… it just feels like burden after burden.” As I speak the words, I feel lighter and lighter. The fact that I am actually getting it out, speaking about my feelings, is freeing.

“You need to relax. Have some fun in Paris and when you get back we’ll talk again. I don’t want you to make any rash decisions when you are stressed. Which you clearly are right now.” My sister goes out of her way to try and be reassuring. I know she is means well, but I just have this nagging feeling that no matter what I am never going to feel better about anything that is going to take place, or has taken place since I went looking for this whole Pandora’s box of love. Nothing with Pierce and I is love. It is all just more work.

I shrug my shoulders and excuse myself to finish packing. Instead of looking at everything I put in my two matching suitcases Pierce bought for my first international trip, I throw handfuls of clothes not caring what I pack. A couple pairs of heels, panties, bras, and my toiletries and I’m done. Ready to get the fuck out of Manhattan for a week and clear my head. I need the peace of not having Pierce or Ryker around.

“I wanted to give you something before you left.” Seven rounds the corner with a card in her hands. “It’s nothing too special, but I can remember how nervous I was before my first trip out of the country. I have to get Willow home and put her to bed, plus Levi is probably looking for me already since I came right here after work. Be safe, and make sure you have that translator app on your phone. You’ll need it.” She smiles and wraps her arms around me in a big hug.

I feel comforted, and my nerves slowly melt away.

“Thank you,” I say. “I love you, and I’ll see you when I get home.” “I love you too, Lyric. Be good.”

* * *

Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep. My phone wakes me from a dead sleep. Looking over at the clock, I see it is a little past midnight. What the fuck? Why would anyone be texting me at this hour? Everyone knows I leave tomorrow morning for the longest flight on earth. I blink a few times, trying to clear my vision and I reach for my phone.

My heart sinks when I see the name on the screen. Text from Ryker.

Open your front door.

The first text makes my heart skip a beat. Shit. Why does he get to me like this? He shouldn’t. Hell, he shouldn’t be texting me. It’s over. I am tempted to ignore the second text altogether, but I guess my curiosity will always get the best of me when it comes to him.

Come on Lyric. WTF open the door!

I kick my feet off the edge of the bed, and pull on the black robe hanging from the post of my bed. A fist bangs on the door as I click the lock out of place and open it.

“I was sleeping,” I say with a less than amused tone. I am tired, and I don’t want to deal with him, this, us, or anything before I leave in the morning. I thought it would be smooth sailing with the men in my life for a good week.

“I do have a flight in the morning,” I add and roll my eyes. I step out of the doorway to allow him in. If I don’t someone is bound to notice the noise coming from the hallway. The one bad thing about living in a penthouse is the neighbors.

“I wanted to talk to you…” His words are slurred and when I turn to take a good look at him, his eyes are completely bloodshot. Payback for my drunken visit the other night? I don’t know, but I don’t want to think about that night, and I don’t want to be thinking about Ryker either but his drunk ass is in my living room now. I close the door behind him and click the lock into place.

“What is there to talk about, Ryker? We said one night… you are breaking the one rule we actually both agreed on.” I could never have been happy with one night. I just will never let him know that.

“What’s he have that I don’t?” he asks as his body collapses onto my sofa. What does who have? I don’t get the question.

“Who?”

“The suit,” Ryker replies, turning to look me in the eye. Despite the redness, his blue eyes are stunning. The reason I fell in love with him from the get-go. He hides behind all this pain and biker bullshit, but his eyes tell me that he just wants to be loved. I hate that he is screwing with my emotions like this. Why come here and put this on me a few hours before I have to leave?

“How fucking dare you… You come here after you pushed me away and ask me something like that? I don’t understand you at all!” I am frustrated as hell. I run my fingers through my hair and pull on the roots. This man drives me insane!

Ryker holds his hands up in defense,

“I’m just asking a simple fuckin’ question, Princess.”

“You want to know what he has that you don’t? LOVE for me! He treats me good. He puts me first. He doesn't run out on me when he starts to feel something more! He is committed. That is what he has that you don’t!” My chest is heaving, and I am pretty sure it won’t be long before my anxiety gets the best of me. Or I punch this asshat in the face.

“It ain’t the money, huh?” Ryker pushes me.

“Because I almost had you pegged for a gold digger. I mean, how else would you go from a guy like him to me, and then right back to him? It don’t add up.” Fucking asshole.

“I go back to him because you keep pushing me away. You want nothing to do with me, asshole!” I am pretty sure my heart is about to fly out of my chest at any moment. I want to cry, but I’ll be damned if I let him see me vulnerable again.

“You walked out on me,” Ryker accuses.

“The fuck are you talking about?!” I yell.

“You walked out on me. You ran before I woke up. You left me.” He almost looks hurt.

“I left when I had the chance to sneak out without anyone seeing me! Can you imagine what would have happened if I got caught?” I yell back at him. Pretty soon I will stab him with a spoon for being so damn frustrating!

“You got caught! You went to Star. Chrome saw you. He called me. All the guys know already. It ain’t no secret we fucked all night. Everyone that walked through the door to my apartment that night could hear us. Secret’s out, Princess.” I can’t even process everything I feel right now. I am pissed and relieved. I am happy and mad all at the same time. I want to kick myself in the ass for being so stupid and pat myself on the back for doing exactly what I wanted to do. Goddamnit, one of these days drunk Lyric is really going to fuck my whole world up.

“I’m calling off the wedding,” I say without thinking of the weight of my words. Am I doing this for me, because it really isn’t want I want to do? Or am I doing this in hopes that Ryker will finally show me the time of day? No. Fuck that and fuck him too! I am doing this because it is what I want. I don’t want to be with anyone. I came to Manhattan with this grand dream of meeting Mr. Right and getting married, but at the end of the day, that isn’t what I want. I just want to finally be happy with myself and my life, with or without anyone else in it.

I don’t know if it is the drunken Ryker in front of me that causes this revelation or maybe the fact that when Pierce left earlier in the night I just let him go. Never fighting for him to spend the night. Never chasing him or begging him for more of his attention. That should have been my red flag a long time ago.

“I have to go. You have to leave,” I say, waving him up from my couch. I am going to do this tonight, once and for all. I am going to end this sham of an engagement and be done with it all before I get on that plane in the morning. It’s a long enough flight. I can make up the sleep I’m losing out on then. I can escape and leave the drama behind. “Ryker… I said you have to go!” I yell, and when I turn back around I find him passed out cold on my sofa.

I let out a sigh and wonder what the hell I am going to do with him. There is no way I can wake him up. I slap him a couple times and he snores louder. Only my luck! Seriously!

“Fuck this!” I yell and grab my keys. Robe and all, I am on my way to Pierce’s apartment whether he is awake or not. I have to do this now. I have to do this before I leave for my trip. My blood pumps through my veins rapidly. My heartbeat slams in my ears, and by the time I make it to the ground floor of my building I have Kent the doorman hailing me a cab. Robe, no shoes, and it’s freezing cold out but I am a woman on a mission. No one could stop me now if they tried.

I give the driver the address and name of the building. You know it is late in New York City when the driver can actually hit thirty miles an hour and not take out any bike messengers. My palms sweat, and a tear runs down my cheek. This shouldn’t upset me. I should feel free, like I am finally going to be able to focus on my life and everything I want… I think. The indecision is killing me but I know deep down this is the right thing to do. It’s the only fair thing for Pierce, too. I take a deep breath and swallow past the giant lump in my throat. For once, I finally need to be happy with myself.

The taxi comes to a stop and I stuff a couple bills through the window and jump from the smelly cab. Walking into the lobby of the building is nothing unusual for me. I quickly push the elevator button and wait for the lift. Minutes go by and I tap my bare foot on the cold tile. Eventually it opens and I press the button for the thirty-second floor. The elevator car flies up quickly. The door opens on Pierce’s level and I grab my keys from my purse and make my way for the door.

I’ve had a key to his apartment for months, he gave it to me almost instantly when we started dated, but I have only once used it. He was out of town and I left my favorite pair of heels. The door clicks open, and I close it behind me. I take a couple steps in and toss my purse on the table. My heart is slamming against my chest, and I almost feel sick. There is a huge lump in my throat. You know, the kind you feel right before you blow chunks because your stomach won’t stop tossing and turning. I swallow it down and keep my pace towards the bedroom.

I can hear voices from the television, and see a flashing light. I smile thinking about how Pierce always has to sleep with the television on. Another problem we have since I need the entire house to be silent to even fall asleep. I sigh and push the door open.

“Pierce?” I whisper. But he isn’t in his bed. Puzzled, I look around the room wondering where the hell he could be.

The toilet flushes from behind the bathroom door, so I sit down on the bed and wait for him. I know he’ll be surprised, shocked even, but I can’t turn around and walk out now. I’m already here. I’ve worked up the nerve to end this sham.

I hear a giggle, and turn to the television to see what he is watching. But, the action movie has no women, let alone giggling women. Rising from the bed I take a couple steps in the direction of the bathroom and silently press my ear to the wood of the door. Bingo… the giggle. Hushed words and laughter come from behind the door. I can make out Pierce’s deep voice and the sadness I felt on the drive over here begins to disappear. Replaced by mounting rage.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, counting to three in my head. One… two… three, mother fucker! I fling the door open, and the wood smashes against the wall with a hard thud. The naked blonde gasps and Pierce’s eyes go wide. Those eyes I had once adored just stare at me without a hint of the love he has claimed to have for me.

“Pierce honey, what is going on?” the blonde woman asks him. “Who is she and why is she in your house in the middle of the night?” She struggles to cover herself up with a towel, her fake tits threaten to pop out from under the thin white material.

I point at him.

“Don’t answer that. Let me, Pierce.” I turn to the blonde and begin addressing her specifically. “I’m his fiancé, who just so happened to come over here to call off the wedding before I leave for Paris in the morning.” My body spins and I face Pierce who is still stunned into silence.

“Here is your ring… maybe you can give it to her.” I toss the diamond across the bathroom. I take a few steps toward the door and scramble to think of any way I can hurt him. I want to be a bitch. Not because I am hurt by his actions, but because I am confused. My instinct is to make him feel as shitty as I do right this instant. I’ve always been this way, looking for the most hurtful thing I can say to share the pain deep inside me.

“By the way… last weekend when I went out with the girls and didn’t go home… I fucked Ryker.” I slam the bathroom door behind me and storm out of the bedroom, making my way to the elevator as fast as I can. My bare feet pound against the hard wood floor and I am shaking with rage. I am really pissed. Why the fuck keep this charade of an engagement going if he was going to do shit like this behind my back anyway? How long has it been going on? I’ve twisted and turned myself inside out trying to figure out how to break up with him and this is what I end up with. Damn it!

“I knew you were a low life whore from the moment I laid eyes on you,” Pierce yells from the bedroom doorway. Chasing me as I leave. “You can have that white trash scumbag. You two belong together.”

“The only person I belong with is myself. Fuck you! You pencil dick prick!” The elevator door closes and I fall to the floor. Fuck this all to hell. There is no way I am getting on a plane in six hours after this. No way.

I think about crying and realize I am really not even hurt by any of this. Maybe my ego is a little bruised but that’s about it. It was a slap in the face, but deep down I couldn’t care less about Pierce and his…whatever the fuck she was.

That is how I know none of this was ever meant to be.

I’m finally free to get on with my life and I couldn’t be more thrilled.