Seeing my baby on that screen was one of the most magical and emotional experiences of my life. Kinley has been doing better over the past couple of weeks. Her morning sickness has started to go away, now that she’s further along. She’ll be entering her second trimester here soon, and we plan on telling our family and friends then.

I can’t make it up for her next appointment, but it’s a pretty standard one, according to her, so not much for me to miss. It still irritates me some that I can’t be there in person to support her.

We are still no closer to deciding when she’s going to move down here, but she needs to make a decision soon, so we can get her moved before she isn’t allowed to fly anymore. I know we still have a few months before that happens, but I keep bugging her to get the ball rolling.

For now, I’ve got to stay focused on my job. The playoffs are about to start; we clinched the number one spot in our division. We’re playing St. Louis in the first round, starting on our home ice tomorrow night. Today, we’ve got a short practice and a long video session, as the coaching staff preps us for tomorrow night’s game.

Playoff hockey is a game of its own. Do or die. Fighting for that win, to bring your team that much closer to the championship series, and hopefully end with the cup in your hands. Having won it last season, I know what it takes to get it done, and I just hope we can get there again this year.

I make it out of the video session and notice I have a few missed texts from Kinley. The more I scroll, the harder my heart beats due to the urgent nature of them.

Kinley: Call me ASAP

Kinley: Brian, please call me! I know you’re in practice, but if you get this between sessions, I need to talk to you, it’s important.

I have a few more messages, all spread out by ten to thirty minutes, basically all saying the same thing. I head straight for my truck, so I can talk to her without anyone overhearing our conversation, pressing send on my phone as soon as I’m out of the arena.

“Kin, baby, what’s wrong?” I ask, worry filling my voice as soon as she answers the phone.

Her crying fills the phone, causing my heart to clench in my chest. Fuck, I hate not being close, where I can just go to her. I need to hold her, help her through whatever has her so upset.

“Kinley, I need for you to calm down, take a few deep breaths, and tell me what’s wrong, baby.”

Her crying slows down as she follows my directions, and she’s finally able to talk.

“I woke up in a puddle of blood this morning. I freaked out and went to the ER.” She gulps in deep breaths. “The ultrasound showed that the baby’s heart had stopped beating and I was miscarrying. Our baby is gone.” Her cries become heavy again. “Our baby is gone, Brian!”

No, no, no, fuck. Not the baby. My heart sinks in my chest. I don’t know what to do or say to help her. I just know I have to get to her.

“Kinley, where are you now?”

“I’m back home.”

“Is anyone with you?”

“My mom ran out to the store to pick up the medicine the doctor prescribed to me. She should be back soon.”

“That’s all I needed to hear. I just don’t want you to be alone right now, baby. I love you. Tell me what I can do?”

“There isn’t anything you can do, Brian. I just have to let my body finish passing everything. The doctor wrote me off work for the next couple of weeks.”

“Do you want to come down here in a few days?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

Feeling helpless, I fall silent. I don’t know what to do. We hadn’t told anyone yet, as she wanted to wait, just in case something like this happened. Said she didn’t want to have to un-tell people. And now I get that, but fuck, if it isn’t going to suck calling my mom and sister, and breaking the news to them.

“My mom just got back. I’m going to go try and take a nap. Can I call you later?”

“Call me whenever you need to, babe. I’ll keep my phone on me at all times, so I don’t miss your call or texts. I’m sorry, Kinley. I love you, and please just tell me what I can do to help you.”

Without answering me, she ends the call. There was something in the silence that felt like she was shutting me out, pushing me away, and that didn’t sit right with me. There is no way I will let this come between us; I won’t let her push us apart. I will fight against her, if that’s what she’s doing.

I drop my cell into my lap, trying to figure out what in the hell I can do from thousands of miles away. The only thing I can think of is to fly out on the next flight. I need to go talk to Coach and let him know what’s going on. As much as it will fuck with the team, I can’t stay here. I need to be with her.

I grab my cell and head back inside, straight for the offices. I stop at Laura’s desk, instead of just barging into Coach’s office.

“Hey, Brian, what can I help you with?”

“I need to talk to Coach. It’s kind of an emergency.”

“Head on back, he just got up here.”

“Thanks, Laura.”

I head straight for Coach’s office, rapping my knuckles on the open door before I walk in, closing it behind me.

“Brian, what can I do for you?”

I take a seat in one of the chairs facing his desk.

“I need to leave town in the next few hours. I’ve had a family emergency, and I need a few days to take care of it. I know it leaves you and the team in a lurch, but I need to get there.”

“Anything the team can help you with?”

“Not unless Laura can find me a ticket. I just found out about the emergency when I looked at my phone after we left the video room.”

Coach hits his intercom button. “Laura, can you step into my office for a moment, please.”

“Be right there, Coach,” she tells him and moments later, she’s walking into his office.

“Brian has had a family emergency and needs to leave town. Can you help him book his ticket, and then we’ll need to fill out the paperwork for his leave. We can list him as a healthy scratch for the next few days, leaving it open for when he can return to the team.”

“Not a problem,” Laura responds to Coach, then turns to me. “Where do you need to fly to, and how soon do you want to leave?”

“The soonest flight, and to Anchorage. I need to run home and grab a bag but otherwise, I can be at the airport within an hour or so,” I tell her, digging out my credit card. “If available, a first-class seat would be preferred, but at this point, I will take what I can get. I just need to get there.”

“I’ll see what strings I can pull and email you what I can get,” she says, taking down my credit card info.

“I don’t care what it costs. Just get me there as fast as you can.”

“I’m on it. You head home and pack that bag. Hopefully by then, you will have a confirmation in your email.”

“Thanks, Laura,” I say, as she leaves Coach’s office. I stand, reaching out to shake Coach’s hand. “Thank you. I will know more in the next day or so when I will be back.”

“Family comes first. Go be with your family.”

I leave Coach’s office and head back to the locker room to grab my stuff from my stall before heading home. I’m in such a daze, I almost walk right into Scott as he’s coming out.

“Hey, where did you run off to?” he asks, stopping me in the hall.

“Sorry, man. Kinley texted me; she had an emergency.”

“Is she okay? I’m surprised Becca hasn’t been blowing up my phone about it. What happened?”

Fuck, Scott and Becca don’t even know she was pregnant, and I don’t know when, or if, she’s going to tell Becca about the baby.

“If I tell you, you can’t tell Becca. She needs to hear it from Kinley. You have to promise me, man.”

“I promise you. What’s going on?”

I look around to make sure no one else is around to overhear. When I see the coast is clear, I lay it all out there.

“We were pregnant, and she miscarried today. I just talked to Coach, and I’m leaving on the next available flight to go be with her for a few days. I know it’s going to fuck with the lines and games, but I need to be with her. The way she ended our call felt like she was shutting the door on me, man, and I can’t let her do that. I love her too damn much to let her walk away from me.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, man. When’s your flight leave?”

“I don’t know yet. Laura is working her magic to find me one, and will email me the info once she gets one booked.”

“Go. Be with her, and don’t worry about us. Kinley needs you more than we do right now.”

“Thanks, man. I’ll keep you posted as to when I’ll be back.” I step away from him and head into the locker room, so I can grab my stuff and haul ass home.

As I reach my truck, my email dings on my phone. Laura, God love her, was able to get me on a flight that leaves in three hours. Just enough time to get home, grab what I need, and get my ass to the airport.

* * *

On my way to the airport in an Uber, I send my sister a text message, telling her I need to talk and to call me if she’s available within the next hour and a half. My text hardly is sent when my phone rings.

“Hey. I didn’t want to wake Isaiah by calling.”

“Nice try, what’s wrong?”

“Why do you immediately think something’s wrong, Jenn?”

“Because you never text me that you need to talk to me ASAP about something important. And you’re my brother. I like to think that I know you better than you know yourself sometimes.”

“Okay, you’re right. Something is wrong. Are you sitting down?”

“That’s a bit cryptic. What’s going on?”

“Kinley and I were pregnant. She miscarried today, and I’m on my way to be with her for a few days.”

“Oh! Brian! I’m so sorry. How is she doing?”

“Not good. I’ve only talked to her once, and that was about an hour or so ago. She didn’t tell me much; just what happened. It kind of felt like she was pushing me away. I don’t know what to do, Jenn. I’m so fucking scared. Please tell me what to do.”

“Well, for starters, you’re doing the best thing you can, and that is going to her. She might be pushing you away, but she needs you right now more than either of you know. When Drew and I miscarried, I felt so alone and like my body failed me. The guilt I felt, especially when it pertained to Drew, was debilitating. I felt, at times, like he would be better off without me, and I tried pushing him away. So hearing that you feel like that’s what Kinley is doing, is normal, but don’t let her. Be there for her. She needs all the support she can get right now. The first few days are the hardest. Her body is going to go through so many swings of emotions as her hormones change.”

I breathe a heavy sigh, my mind spinning a hundred miles an hour.

“Brian, just take a deep breath. You can’t do anything until you get there. And once you’re there, just hold her. Let her cry all over you, if that’s what she needs. If she asks for some space, be willing to give her some. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but there will be moments where the emotion is just so overwhelming that she may just want to be alone, to cry or sleep.”

“Thanks, Jenn. I don’t know what I’d do without your voice of reason. She was adamant about not telling anyone until we’d made it to the second trimester, and we were so close. It just isn’t fucking fair. I was with her for her first doctor’s appointment. I saw the heartbeat with my own eyes, heard it beating away over the machine. It was the best day of my life and now…now, all I have is a black and white picture to remember that day by.” I start to break down, the emotion of the last few hours catching up with me.

“I’m so sorry, Brian. Please, call me whenever you need to. I will keep my cell next to me. I love you, and please give my love and condolences to Kinley when you make it to her.”

I hang up with my sister as the Uber arrives at the airport. I grab my bag and make my way inside, and head straight for security.

I stop in one of the sports bars to grab a bite to eat and a drink. I don’t even taste the burger I somehow choke down, and the straight whiskey burns as it goes down, but does nothing to help settle my nerves.

Not needing to get drunk in the airport, I head for my gate, finding a seat the furthest away, allowing me a little privacy. I know I need to call my mom and let her know what’s going on as well. I take a deep breath and dial her number.

My conversation with my mom goes a lot like the one with my sister. My mom was upset, as I expected, and I hung up, promising to keep her informed as to how Kinley was doing and if there was anything she could do for us. As meddling as my mom and sister can be sometimes, they make up for it with how supportive they are.

I decide to try calling Kinley, since my phone will have to be off while I’m flying, and I had promised her I would keep it on me, so she could call whenever she needed. I don’t want to miss her if she needs me.

I’m a little shocked she answers on the first ring.

“Hey, how are you doing?” I ask cautiously.

“Hi, Brian, it’s Jessica. Kinley is sleeping still.”

“How’s she doing? She didn’t tell me much earlier.”

“As good as we can expect her to be doing. They gave her some strong pain meds to help with the cramping that she was experiencing, as they said it could last for hours or even the next couple of days. They had given her a dose in the ER, and I gave her another once I got back from the pharmacy. I don’t think she’ll be up again until the morning.”

“I just wanted to call and let her know that my phone will be off for the next few hours, and I didn’t want her to worry. I’m about to board a flight; I’m on my way up there. I just need to be with her.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Do you need someone to pick you up at the airport?”

“I’ll just grab an Uber. I would rather you stay with her.”

“If you’re sure. I can send Tyler to get you.”

“That’s okay. I get in pretty early in the morning. I’ll just grab a ride and head straight for her place. Do you plan on staying the night?”

“Yes, I don’t plan on leaving her alone for the next few days. She’s trying to show she’s strong to everyone, and not accept help, but she’s a mess and needs our support.”

“Well, like I said, I will be there in the morning, and I don’t plan on letting her push me away. When she ended our call earlier, it felt like she was closing the door on me.”

“That sounds like something she would do. Thank you for fighting for her. She needs a good man like you in her life.”

I hear them call my flight to board, so I quickly end my call with Kinley’s mom. Laura worked a miracle by not only getting me out on a flight within hours of asking her to, but she also was able to get me a first-class seat, so I’m not cramped in a coach seat.

* * *

I make it to Anchorage, tired as hell. I didn’t get much sleep on my flights, my mind never stopping its frantic thoughts pinging all around. On my way out of the airport, I grab a large coffee and head for the Uber pick-up spot. Thankfully, I don’t have to wait long and fifteen minutes later, we’re pulling up in front of Kinley’s apartment building.

I had texted Jessica when I arrived, letting her know I’d be there as soon as possible, and she said she’d unlock the door for me.

I knock lightly so they are not alarmed, and am a little surprised when I see Kinley standing there when I open the door. The look of despair on her face kills me. I drop my bag and engulf her in my arms.

“I’m here, baby.”

“You came,” she cries into my neck.

“Of course I came. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

“But the playoffs… Don’t you have a game tonight?”

“The team does have a game tonight, but Coach is listing me as a healthy scratch for now. I had more important places to be,” I say, placing a chaste kiss just under her ear. “Can I get you anything, or do anything for you?”

“I was just up getting something to drink and making some toast. I need something in my stomach when I take my medicine, or else it can cause me to puke.”

“Is your mom asleep?”

“No, she jumped in the shower really quick.”

“Well, go sit down, and I will bring you your toast and meds,” I tell her, stepping back enough to bring my lips to her forehead.

She listens, curling up on the couch with a blanket, as I step into the kitchen.

After handing her the toast, water, and pain meds, I sit next to her on the couch, gathering her in my arms. She stiffens at first, but after a few moments, relaxes into my side.

After Jessica gets out of the shower, and Kinley has finished her breakfast, I excuse myself to take a quick shower to get the grime of traveling off of me. When I come out, Kinley has moved back to her bed, curled up with her iPad, scrolling through her social media pages. I grab a t-shirt and some basketball shorts to put on, and lie down on the bed, facing her. The gap of space between us feels like a crater, when really, it’s mere inches. I can feel her slowly slipping from my grasp, and I have no idea how to stop it from happening. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to let her have her space if that’s what she asks for, and that she needs time to process the traumatic event her body is going through.

I lie there, watching her, taking in the small changes her body had started to make. She’s wearing baggy sweats and one of my shirts she’s kept, so I can’t see everything, but even with bags under her eyes, and puffy tear-stained cheeks, she’s still the most beautiful woman. I just want to take all her pain away, and bring back my bubbly, fun-loving woman.

“Kin,” I say, just above a whisper. “Please, talk to me.” I’m practically begging, but I don’t care.

She looks at me over the top of her iPad, new tears brimming along her lashes. I reach out and grab her iPad and set it on the nightstand. I close the distance between us and pull her into my arms. The tears overtake her, and the sobs escape from her lips. They’re so powerful, her body is convulsing in my arms. I do the only thing I can think of, and let her work through the emotions that are wracking her body. I stroke my hand through her hair, knowing how much she loves it when I do this, and I can only hope that it helps soothe her in a situation like this as well. It takes awhile for her to calm back down, and my shirt is soaked with her tears. She could soak every last shirt I own, if it would make her feel better and keep her in my arms. I continue to run my fingers through her hair, until the tears have stopped, and her breathing is back to normal.

Kinley pulls back enough until she can look up at me, and I can see a few tears still lingering around her lashes. I reach up and wipe them away, then lean in and place a soft kiss against her lips, my thumb caressing her cheek.

Realizing that she isn’t ready to open up and talk to me yet, I look into her eyes, where I see fear, pain, and heartbreak.

Keeping my palm on her cheek, and my eyes on hers, I whisper, “I love you, Kinley. Nothing is going to change that. I know you’re hurting, mind, body, and soul, and I wish there was a way I could take that pain away from you, but I can’t. But I can be here for you to lean on for anything, and I mean, anything. If you’re mad and need something to punch, punch me. You need something or someone to yell at, I’m your man. You need someone to just hold you and remind you how important you are, I will be the first one volunteering. Do you understand?”

She just nods her head, very slightly, in response. She stays in my arms for a few more moments before pushing out of my arms, and out of the bed. I stand to follow her, when she turns, snapping at me, “I’m just going to the bathroom. I don’t need a chaperone.”

“I’ll just head out to the living room. Call if you need anything, sweetheart,” I reply back.

I will take any communication I can get from her, snapping or not. At least she’s talking to me.

The rest of the day goes just about as well as the morning did. I finally convince Jessica to head home, with a promise that I would keep her updated with Kinley’s status.

Most of the day, Kinley stayed in her bed, asking to be left alone. As much as that killed me, I gave her the space and took up residence on the couch. I ordered in some takeout, and settled in to watch my guys take on the Blues in the first game of the playoffs. During the pregame conversations, the announcers mention the fact that I was a healthy scratch and are speculating as to why the coaching staff would do so. They’re wondering if I really did sustain an injury that we were just not disclosing yet.

My food arrives just as the first period is getting ready to start. A short time later, I hear Kinley’s door open, and she steps out into the living room. She’d obviously showered, as she has wet hair and clean clothes on.

“Are you hungry? I ordered extras, if you would like any,” I tell her, pointing to all the Chinese takeout containers.

“A little,” she says, still not moving from where she stands.

“Sit, and I’ll grab you a plate. Would you like anything to drink?”

“Just some water.”

I come back a few minutes later, with a plate, silverware, and a bottle of water for her.

“Thank you,” she says lightly, from her place on the couch.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” I reply, kissing the top of her head. “Can I get you anything else? A blanket?”

“I’m good for now. Just hand me that container, please.”

I hand her each container she asks for, so she can fill her plate. I’m taking her desire to eat something more than toast a good sign.

We sit in silence as we eat and watch the game. The guys slipped early, letting the Blues get in a goal. They have been fighting to get back ever since, with no success yet. Just goes to show that playoff hockey is a beast of its own. It doesn’t matter that we were the number one team in our division headed into the playoffs, and playing the bottom team. They’re out to prove something, and we must be just as dedicated to winning as they are.

Around the start of the second period, Kinley excuses herself back to her bedroom. I let her have the space while I finish watching the game. We somehow squeak out the win, putting us up one game to nothing. The best way to start out the first round of the playoffs. I wish I was with my team, helping them to a win and celebrating in the locker room right now, but being here is more important than any of that.