Having Brian back in my bed is a little surreal. I really thought I’d pushed him past his limits and hurt our chances of working things out. Thankfully, I was wrong; he was just biding his time until he could be here in person. When he cornered me last night, I was worried he would tell me he hated me and that I was a bitch. But his sweet words of comfort and love made me realize just what a great man he really is. Was it bitchy to push him away like I did? Absolutely. But I needed to do so to heal myself. I needed the time to figure out how to cope and move on. The emotions that flooded me were so overwhelming, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through at times. But, after spending time with my therapist, she helped me climb out of the depression I had fallen into.

I wake before Brian does, but stay in his embrace. My head rests on his chest, where I listen to the soft beat of his heart. It’s a very soothing sound that lulls me back to sleep for a while longer. When I stir again, Brian’s awake and has tightened his hold on me.

“What do you want to do today?” he asks, his voice scratchy from sleep.

“Nothing. I’ve been running like crazy the last few weeks helping Becca, especially the last few days. I’m ready for a day to just veg and not do anything.”

“That sounds good to me, but how about some food? You need to feed me, woman,” he says, smacking my ass. “I require sustenance if you’re going to require use of my body today.” The laughter is full in his voice.

I didn’t realize how much I missed this playful banter between the two of us until now. How we can go from serious to playful in seconds, and make mundane tasks fun and enjoyable, just because we’re doing them together. The feeling of calm that I woke up with this morning is something I don’t want to let go of. I have some thinking to do, but as long as Brian still wants me to, I think I need to look into moving to be with him in Indy. I don’t think I can go back to the distance and hardly seeing each other.

We drag ourselves out of bed, and shower together, which turns into a little shower sex, before we finally get ready and head out to find some food. We end up at a local diner and after filling up on more breakfast foods than two people should ever consume, we decide to walk around downtown. We window shop, all along the little touristy shops that line the streets, and then walk over and through the downtown outdoor market.

It’s so nice to be doing such normal things together. We had both put the past where it belonged and were not looking back, only forward. There was something to be said about being able to do that, and it was also very freeing. As we walk and talk, filling each other in on little things that had happened during our time apart, I slowly feel the guilt and heartache lift from my body, almost like a physical weight was being removed from my shoulders.

It’s late afternoon by the time we make it back to my apartment. We stopped at the hotel where Brian had a room, and packed up his stuff and checked him out. There wasn’t any reason for him to keep paying for it when he’d just be staying with me for the time being. He truly had only bought a one-way ticket to Alaska, as he was dead set on not leaving until I’d at least talk to him.

With the peace that came to me from spilling my guts to him about how I had felt in those days and weeks after the miscarriage, it also made me realize just how much I needed to talk to Becca and tell her what happened. I knew that it would have to wait until she was back from her honeymoon as they’d already left early this morning for Europe. I just hope that I didn’t damage our friendship by keeping something so important from her for so long.

* * *

Brian had really put his entire life on hold to be in Anchorage with me this summer. He didn’t commit to the hockey camps he usually helps with, and didn’t make concrete plans with his mom or sister, as he didn’t know what would happen between the two of us.

I finally brought up the possibility of me moving down to Indy with him one night, about a week after we’d worked everything out and got back together. He was ecstatic about it and was ready to pack my apartment up that night. I, of course, had to put in my notice at work first and work out the required amount of time per my contract, which was only a few weeks due to my contract being up for renewal. Brian stayed with me those few weeks and we made plans for after to go see his family for a month, before he was due to report for camp in September. I had enough savings to float me by until then, when I could hopefully find a job in Indy at one of the local hospitals.

When Becca and Scott returned from their honeymoon, we finally had that girls’ day and I spilled my secrets to her. We cried a lot together that day. She couldn’t believe I’d kept all that bottled up inside for so long and tried to deal with it myself. Things all made sense to her, now that she knew all the details, and was a little miffed when she found out her husband knew some of what had happened but was sworn to secrecy by Brian not to tell her anything. It was only a few days later she told me she was pregnant. I was ecstatic for my best friend, but that night, I cried in Brian’s arms as I grieved the loss of our child again.