“Hey, Ally,” I said.

I had been waiting for this call. I didn’t exactly want to avoid her after that evening at her place, but I couldn’t bring myself to get in touch again, and now it had been days and it was just a matter of time before she called, wondering why I’d disappeared on her. I wasn’t proud of it. I hated that that stupid stereotype applied to me. But fuck, I was a commitment-shy man and if life had taught me anything, it was that sleeping with a woman made them think you owed them something forever after. I hated that shit. I was the last person on earth that knew what to do to keep a woman happy, so I guess I figured I’d hightail it out of there before she even started demanding it. I’m an asshole, I know. But the least I could do I was answer her call and take it like a man.

“Hey, I hope I’m not interrupting anything…”

“No, not at all,” I said. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to call you these last few days, I know we left things a little weird, but I’ve just been really busy.” I didn’t like to think of how much of me she had seen the other night. I had let go with her in a way I didn’t think decent people could. But I played it cool.

“Yeah, don’t worry about the other night, it doesn’t matter,” she said.

“It …doesn’t?”

“Well, I’m actually calling because I need your help with something.”

“My help? What’s wrong?”

I heard her take a deep breath.

“David, it’s my ex. He’s… well, he doesn’t actually have any custody over the kids and we agreed a long time ago that he wasn’t going to be part of their lives, and maybe I was stupid for believing him on that, but Ben came home with a fucking knife, David, and I don’t know what to do—”

“Ally, slow down…”

“The thing is he’s sneaking around and meeting the kids behind my back, and he’s crazy, David. He’s literally insane. I have no idea what bullshit he’s teaching them, but I’m afraid, and just the thought of even seeing him again makes me feel sick to my stoma—”

“Wait, Ally, a knife?”

“Yeah, he’s given Ben a knife, because Ben’s being bullied at school and we haven’t been able to get to the bottom of it because dammit, you know Ben, he won’t tell us who it is and so he turned to Andrew, but you can imagine what that will mean…”

“Ally, what do you need me to do?”

I heard her take another breath.

“Remember you said that people like him were dangerous? Well, it’s worse than you know, David. I’m afraid. I can’t tell anyone, either. My parents actually loved him, do you know that? He was so charming. And the kids don’t understand why I don’t want them to speak to him. I try to talk to them, to explain, god knows I’m trying to raise them properly, but somehow I always end up being the bad guy…”

“I understand, Ally. Tell me you want me to do about it, though.”

She was silent. That came out a little curt.

“You know what, I’m sorry, you’re right. I don’t know why I thought to call you,” she said, doing nothing to hide the disappointment in her voice.

“Ally, that came out wrong. I’ll help you. Of course I’ll help you. I just… I overreacted the other day. It really upset me to see that stuff, and to be honest, I don’t want you to get too attached over anything…”

“That’s funny, I was thinking the same thing about you,” she said.

Fuck.

“Anyway, seeing those books just brought back some old memories I’d rather not think about.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It wasn’t you. You were great,” I said.

“I know.”

I was stunned.

“Huh, well, anyway. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about how it panned out the other night, I guess.”

“I already told you, it’s okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Well, uh, yeah. Your ex. You need to avoid people like that.”

She sighed.

“You’re not listening to me. I am avoiding him. But he’s coming after me and my kids. I need to act.”

“And do what?”

Here she dropped her voice to an almost whisper.

“Make him go away? For good. Don’t get too cocky about it, but I called you because I know you have experience with this kind of thing, and because of the missions you’ve done with organizations like the one he belongs to…”

“Wait, what? I never told you that we were investigating the National Legacy?”

“I’m not stupid, David.”

Silence.

“Ally, shit. These people aren’t some cheesy old guys playing at KKK at weekend barbecues. These aren’t just causal racists. These guys mean business.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“This is bad,” I groaned.

“David, he’s targeting my children.”

I thought of little Ben. Ben who wore miniature versions of very serious little button-up jumpers, and slightly lisped his words, and still had soft, baby hands. I thought of his older brother, lovingly irritated with him at all times, but defending him even though he was only a few inches taller. I thought of the two of them fleeing the scary monster in the backyard, squealing with excitement, toy swords flailing. It was hard to believe they were the sons of a man who belonged to an organization responsible for more than a dozen terrorist attacks in the last year alone. It was kind of crazy that a man that evil could produce children so… perfect. Legacy is a funny thing.

“Ok,” I said. “I’ll take care of it, don’t worry. Give me his full name.”

“Andrew Watkins.”

“Ok. Good. Don’t worry. Don’t raise any trouble. And don’t tell anyone you’ve talked to me about this, okay? Nobody. You know nothing. He’s probably just some low-level member, but if he’s not, you need to be careful. I’ll get back to you on what I find out.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“About last night though…” she said, her voice softening a little.

I braced myself.

“It didn’t mean anything, okay? I think it’s just been a very long time for me, and I got carried away.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Same,” I said quickly.

“It all happened a bit fast and it’s probably best we just focus on the kids and stick to the program rules.”

“Oh absolutely,” I said. But inwardly, I was surprised. Wasn’t that my line? Compared to how I’d seen her last, she seemed so clear headed right now. It almost made me want to ruffle her up all over again. I didn’t want the conversation to end. But I didn’t know what else to say.

“So um, do you need me to come over this weekend and take the boys somewhere?”

“No, there’s no need, but thank you. My mom’s coming in to town this weekend and wanted to spend some time with them, so.”

“I see,” I said, unable to stop myself imagining that this meant she’d be alone that weekend.

“Well, okay then.”

“Okay.”

It was like the tension in our conversation nearly crackled through the line. I couldn’t take the forced politeness any longer.

“So, you really haven’t been with anyone since your ex?” I blurted.

Silence.

“Well, no, I haven’t. But that’s kind of an inappropriate question...”

“Yeah, I know but… sorry, it’s just that… the whole thing was kind of out of the ordinary for me.”

“It was out of the ordinary for me too.”

More silence.

“Look, David, I just have a lot on my plate right now. We have to be realistic here, where could something like this ever go?”

I swallowed hard.

“What do you mean? The age difference between us is not that big. I swear I thought you were 30 or something,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. She did laugh, thankfully.

“Ok, but what if I think you’re too young for me?” she said.

“Ouch.”

“I mean it, David. You’re cute and all, and I know I’m supposed to be flattered that a hot young guy is interested in me …but come on. I have responsibilities. We’re in completely different life stages, you and me. I need stability, a family, steady income, right? How do you think this is going to work with us? We secretly fuck each other after the boys go to bed?”

I quietly relished hearing her speak like that.

“Well, why not? I don’t see the problem,” I said, again being lighthearted.

“And that’s the problem right there,” she said, still laughing.

“But I don’t see why you don’t just want to follow this and see where it goes. You don’t have to be so serious.”

“But I do. I don’t have time to see where shit ‘goes’. The other night was fun, but it can’t happen again. I need more than fun in my life right now. Maybe find yourself some cute girl your age and have a good time with her. I’m not that kind of woman.”

No, she really wasn’t. She was nothing like any kind of woman I’d met before, in fact. She was so strong and yet so fragile at the same time. She was older and wiser than be by miles, but I still felt this strong urge to protect her. Her kids petrified me. But somehow I kept coming back, hoping they’d let me play a role in their lives, even if it was just a tiny one.

“I understand. I’ll, uh, get in touch with my contacts and see what they know about Andrew, don’t worry. I hate to think of that shit touching the boys somehow. They’re good kids, and I’ll do what I can to protect them from all that.”

The line went quiet again. That little speech didn’t quite feel like it belonged in my mouth, but once I’d said it, I decided I meant every word. Hadn’t I wished there had been someone looking out for me when I was a boy? I didn’t have kids of my own, but maybe I could make a difference in their lives, even though my own life was a bit of fuck up.

“Thank you, David. I appreciate that,” she said quietly.

I said goodbye and we hung up.

I was reeling. That was not the way I expected that conversation to go. Maybe Jack was right and I was growing up after all. Maybe this weird feeling welling up in me was …fuck, I don’t know. I felt like an idiot for assuming she would be clingy and needy just because we had sex. I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t given her more credit. I had been so hell bent on making sure she kept her distance that when she did, it suddenly became clear to me how much I didn’t want that at all.

The guys had all made promises to one another after the last mission was disbanded and we were all sent home. It was a bit lame, truth be told, but I think at that moment I began to understand why they wanted to make those promises at all. What had my life really amounted to, so far? What did I have to show for myself? I was so sure that as a single mother, she would be desperate to take something from me, but all at once, like a slap in the face I realized: what did I even have to offer? Why had I assumed I was such hot shit in the first place?

I left that conversation feeling vaguely ashamed. She made me want to do better. I wanted to touch that beautiful body of hers again more than anything. I would have given my right arm just to taste her lips one more time. She had opened to me that night; her body had trusted mine so fully that I was still zinging days later. But she was right. She had responsibilities. I was just a failed SEAL with a bad chip on his shoulder and some ugly ass tattoos. She was a grown woman fighting a battle that really mattered. I didn’t know how I was going to win her over just yet, but if her kids were the most important thing in the world to her, then they would have to be important to me, too.